Don't pull this self sacrificing ******* with me.
Leaving me behind is not whats best for me
So let those words rattle in your brain
As long as you know they are a lie.
You always say I can't lie to you
You know me too well
But you seem to forget that
Knowledge works both ways.
So let me just put this out there
When you sigh
There is trouble
Because the weather forecast calls for tears
And false words falling from your mouth
Like hale.
And I catch them in my eyelashes like snowflakes
Not nearly grasping the immensity
Of the hurt about to ensue.
You are doing this for you
Which is fine
Just own up to your selfish ways
And self centered tactics
And we will all be fine.

The Lego castles I built when I was little
Aren't strong enough to keep you safe
But they are the best I can do.
And I promise
The collapsed dollhouse in the garage
Is not a fair representation of me.
Though it might be a bit too close to the truth.
And I've never been good at Jacks
But I promise to pick up all your pieces
Every time you get thrown around.
And I got good practice
Taking care of people
Through all the stories I made up when I was five
And the rubber heads of my Barbies
We're always still connected to the plastic bodies
At the end.
So I think I have good experience
On how to stay alive in the real world
So maybe we could live in Lego houses forever
Please?

I burned my thumbs searching for your approval
And scraped my knees tripping through the recesses
Of your mind
But now I'm finding myself needing to
Paint over the flaws I made for you
To get you to look my way
All you left me with was a bag of cliches
And wet feet from running in the rain
Trying to make it to your side.
I was abandoned before you arrived
And I was found before I was lost
So now I will be going back to my old ways
But as long as your steps are forward
It doesn't matter how many steps back
My feet take my mind.

Destruction is in my breath.
It is every word left unheard
By the people I love most.
It is every note I let escape my lips
When I think you aren't paying attention.
It is every cry I let swallow me at night
Because I know
People only hear when they aren't listening.

I continue to wear sweaters in the summer
To shield myself from you
To protect my skin from your light
Because you are my Sun
Though I wish you were my Moon
Because I can't hide from the Sun.
I can avoid daylight as much as I want
But even at night
The Moon is a reminder of your existence.
If only you were nocturnal
Then maybe I wouldn't be afraid of the day time hours
Maybe I would be able to lay in the grass
And smell the summer
But I guess
Instead
I will sit in the darkness
And smell the smoke
And see nothing
See nothing but the Moon
See nothing but a constant reminder
Of you
And how you shine light on everything you touch
See nothing but whispers
Of dreams long forgotten
From hearts long ago broken
See nothing but nothingness
The miles and miles of nothingness
That I still have to drive through
To reach my happiness
Which ran away long ago.

Of course I stay up waiting for your call
Any chance I have
I take it
Missing your call is like missing
A shooting star
because I know
You aren't mine forever
You are here for this moment
But who knows what the next will bring
Maybe it will bring you everything you've been searching for
And am I wrong to want to stop that?
Yes.
I am wrong.
But I am always wrong.
I ruin things.
I would ruin you
And I would ruin us
Because
For me
That is just another day

I always said you looked good in that color but I never knew you listened
And I'll place rose petals on your scars
Until you believe that they
Are just as beautiful as the rest of you.

I listen to your voice on repeat
And I'm dying because I missed you
And I miss you
Everyday I want you to come home
But fear the day you do
And I want you to be safe
But know I'm not the one who
Can supply that for you.
I'm living a lie
About you
And with you
And no matter what
If it's with you
It feels wrong
Everything feels wrong
And you are the only one who can
Make it right

I stay up at night
Wondering if you do the same
But I never seem to wonder if you are
Thinking about me
Because you never are
And I wish I could keep you in a bubble
And protect you from anything I see as wrong for you
But you need to make those choices,
Or
Rather
Those mistakes
Yourself.
I can't lead you down a right path
Especially since that isn't the path I'm on.
And maybe what I've been telling everyone is true
I do believe we will be together
In the end
But we aren't ready for our forever to start
Now

I can't pour white out all over my life
And erase all the mistakes I've made
And I wouldn't want to
Without those I've learned nothing in my life
I've never tripped on my doubt
Or spilled milk all over my hate
And that scares me more than
Hitting myself in the face with my jealousy
Or sleeping with fear in my mouth

Every firework reminds me of you.
But everything reminds me of you
So I guess that isn't so special.  
But what can I do?
You keep me trailing behind you
Like a lost puppy
When I always thought I was the one
Guiding you.
You asked me how I love you
In what way do I
And I couldn't tell you honestly
Because I'm not entirely certain
But my times up.
I had my two weeks of peace
But the flame is back
And your just a moth flying blindly
To a false warmth
Of someone who is in love
Just not with you.

You always seem to know the wrong things to say
At the right time
Or is it the right things to say
At the wrong time
Or maybe it's both
But
No matter what
The wrong always outshines the right
Because in the end the timing doesn't matter
It's what you said in the time that you were given
That will dictate how people remember you
But you are hollow
And I will always remember you as
The boy
With the chocolate coated nothing words

Last night as we sat under the stars
We were so far away but I felt close
Due to how tightly I was holding a piece of metal to my head
Just so I wouldn't miss a syllable
A breath
I wanted to hear everything.
That's the closest I have felt to you in a while
And I came clean
But you left me with questions I don't know how to answer
And comments I don't know how to process
In the simplistic head I wear above my shoulders
For me, not a necessity
But an accessory
Because my head never really did me any good
It's just there to pull the look together
It has no real purpose.
My thoughts are small and unimportant
Especially to a person like you
Whose thoughts could change the world
If you would just try
So thank you for every time you made me feel as if
I was smart enough to match you
But I then take them all back
For there are equal times you made me feel
Less than
Unimportant
Weak
But at least you have a solid ratio.

Don't call me "punk", don't call me "druggy"
And don't you care call me by my home town.
That's where I've been not who I am
And if that is your impression of me
you obviously don't know who I am.
But that doesn't surprise me
No one in this town ever really knew
Next door doesn't even grasp it
So let me explain it to you
Though I am always myself I am not always the same person.
When I'm with you I'm the person you want
When I'm with them...
But it always seems I'm a little too much for you
And not enough for them
But unlike you
They don't seem to mind
They don't criticize my every move
And they love me without putting me down
Or trying to put me into a box where I don't fit
And
I'm sorry
But I just don't fit in your box.
I'm not made of clay that you can bend into a desired shape
And my heart doesn't have strings attached that you can pull like a puppet
And make me dance
You cant control who I am
Who I was
Who I will be
I can't even do that.
So you can put on your show
And make everyone believe you are something you are not
But I know who you are
Because I don't try to put you into any boxes
Not even the one that you are bending over backwards to get into.
Am I the only one who finds it liberating to breathe in the fresh air
Instead of being confined to breathing the same air
As you are passed on from one box to another
Until the only one left is a pine box that will hold you forever
Excuse me if that is the only box I ever want to fit into
The shapes I make are way too elaborate to be labeled as "punk" or "druggy"
And especially not by my hometown.

You seem to enjoy fixing things that aren't
Broken
Like my stairs
Or my swing set
Or my home.
No one asked you to step in
And try to make everything better
I don't need you painting my room
Or planting my grass
Or loving my my mom back to health.
We are broken.
And maybe I liked it that way.

Please let me know if you cant talk to me
Because I'm tired of pouring my heart out
To someone who's not listening.
I know you've got you're new girl
I knew you'd find someone better
We are falling apart at the seams
And promises I thought would last forever
Are crumbling before my eyes
They are ash in the wind
That you will just blow into the next persons face.
I can't concentrate on a **** thing
because I'm either trying to figure out what to say next
Or worrying because it wasn't good enough for you
Because nothing I ever do is good enough for anyone.
I don't need you every minute
Even though I can't remember the last time
I didn't answer when you called
But I would just love if you could answer me that simple question
Do you still care?
Yes or No?

I realized tonight that you don't really care about me
And you spit out words and aim to please
But you don't take into account that we are people
We live and we talk and I know
I have feelings! And you can't just play with them!
Say what you think I deserve and disregard the truth?
Is that what you think friendship is?
Is that what you think love is?
I feel like some old sofa
That might have gotten you through your glory years
But just has one too many stains for you now
So you move on to the next shinny new toy.
And you leave me on the side of the road
Hoping some poor guy who has no idea what he is getting into
Picks me up and takes me away,
And if someone doesn't
No problem
Once I've spent a good amount of time on the outside
looking in on the warmth I once knew
You will take me to the dump and get rid of me once and for all.
Is that all I am to you?
Stability and a blessing?
I got you through this year?
Is that all you want from me?
Are you done with me now?
Fine.
I will still give you everything
I will still give you all of me
Because I will never meet anyone I love more
At least I hope not to because I never want another person
who will be able to rip my heart out by saying nothing.
I knew it was too good to believe
I knew you'd find someone better
So why am I so upset that you did
Once again you lived up to my expectations.
Empty promises and empty bottles are all I have left of you
And I wish I could lie and say that's all I want from you
Because that would make this poem end in a nice neat bow
But that's not true.
I want more of you.
And I don't want to spend the rest of my life as your lap dog
I want you to live up to your words
Or take them back
Or just do something with them
Because as they are right now
They are reused and old and bled dry of any real emotion
They are rung out and left out to dry on the cloths line of my inbox
Hoping one day they will mean something more
But no longer having faith that things will ever end up the way I want them to
I can clean myself as much as you want
But I will always be scared and flawed
And that will never be good enough for you
I will never be good enough for you
At least that's how you make me feel
And no one should have that power
I want to be over you
But I'm slowly realizing that will never happen.
You told me you will always be in my life but I'm not sure if I want that
I just want you to tell me that I will be okay
But you can't
No one talks to their old couches
You tried to fix me
You tried to sew on patches to my broken heart
But I ask too much of you
I don't try to but it always seems like too much
It always seems like something else is more important
But you are the most important thing to me
So can you promise me something?
Instead of leaving me on the side of the road
Just leave me in your basement
Because that way maybe I'll think you will come back for me
And I will have something to live for
And I won't even care when you never return
My heart wont even hurt a little
Because sofas don't have hearts
And that's all I am.

When I little I used to play a few games in my back yard
They have become more real for me lately
And I think that is because you make me feel like a six-year-old again
naive and impressionable and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I used to play freeze in my friends back yard.
At night we would run around and wait for her security camera
Light to go on
And when it did
You froze.
If you were close enough to the edge of the light
Someone on the outside could pull you back
But if you were in the middle
You were *******.
And that's how I feel now
That is how you make me feel
Stuck in the middle, all eyes on me
Except in real life, with you, the light doesn't go back off
It stays on staring at me
Forcing me to rethink every step I ever made.

My best friend and I played a spy game in my back yard
Trying to figure out who the evil master mind was
With our faithful companion
Hogan
The best dog ever.
And I wish I could go back to those days
Where we could make up our own secrets
Instead of hoping the real ones wont get exposed.
Or even better
We now try to uncover real secrets
To expose our enemies for what we believe them to be.
I want to turn into that spy again and figure out
What you are feeling
From the source: your heart
Because I don't think I trust your mouth.

Tag.
Your It.

I've been thinking about what I should say when I visit you...
And I am hoping I will gather up the courage to make you say it to my face
Tell me how you feel without hiding behind the cloak of a keyboard or computer screen.
I think I could be brave enough to tell you that I'm not going to find anyone better
So there is no point in waiting for that to happen
That there is no way I could find someone as good for me as you are.
I want you to find the strength to kiss me for real
Instead of kissing me on the head saying you always wanted to kiss me
And wanted to make sure you did it in some way before you left.
And while we are on the topic of you leaving lets talk about things you said.
You can't say you want to spend the rest of your life with me
And then go away
You can't cry in my arms and let me do the same
And then disappear
You just can't tell me you would stay for me
And not expect me to want to ask.
You're confused now, you don't know what you are saying
You don't understand that this is getting real very quickly for me
And I don't know how to make it stop.
These aren't just words.
They are supposed truths that I wish I could believe
But can't stop thinking that you will change your mind, that you will find someone better
Because we all know you could.
I wish I could believe you
And I tell everyone that I trust you, and I think I could
But I don't think I do
And the worst part is
I know I did.
Once upon a time I could believe in every word that you said
But it seems like you are confessing more lies to me every day
I love that you are telling me the truth but you have wronged me in the past
And I'm not so sure I'm over it.
I want to be, I want to have everything figured out
But that's not realistic.
The upside is I have thirty days to figure out what I want to tell you.
And maybe I will just hand you this right before I go.
Do to you what you did to me
Leave the ball in your court.
But then the bad news is I have thirty days to chicken out.
So if you're reading this then I congratulate myself
I did the impossible
I told you the truth.
You're turn.

I found something worth crying for
And it's the fact that tears were gathering in your eyes as we had to say goodbye
It was the first time I could really tell you loved me.
I could tell you were trying to hold back streams of tears
I wish we had both let it out
One last cry in the arms of the person I loved most in the world.
The person I trusted most.
A final gift
A final hug
And like that you were gone
And I was left to explain where you had gone to
"He's gone"
That's all you want me to tell people
So that's what I will tell people.
Hello World!!!
He's gone!!!
And I really hope he comes back
But I just don't know.

Everything I write I write for you
Every syllable every word
Is all I wish I had the courage so say to you
But don't.

We never held hands, at least you never held my hand
And now I'm worried that will never happen
that my hands will stay empty forever.
My hands are perpetual black holes of happiness
******* the joy out of everything they touch
and I'm sorry you got caught up in that
you had no idea what you were doing to yourself when you asked me to talk
and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the mess you were willingly walking into.
Maybe things would have turned out differently
but I can tell you one thing;
the next time I see you
the first thing I will do is hold my own hand
and pretend it's you.

There will be no more sad songs
or nights of no sleep
worrying about you
and wondering if you are alive.
There will be no more secret deals
or desperate lies
to keep up your life style
and no more tears that fall.
There is no need for crying.
The pride I have for you
Is larger than words can describe
And if I could find the words to express it
I would want to scream it
to the world.
But I wont
I'll keep those words for us.