I was foolish to think that things ever
Change
It is always the same
The only thing that changes is seasons
I thought the north would help
A change of scenery
A change of pace
A change of color
A change of seasons
Maybe a change in the way I see my life
Or in the way life sees me
But I was wrong
Nothing changes

I'm getting to that place where this feels necessary again
Where my need for validation
Runs higher than my self worth
And I need someone to tell me I'm right
To tell me I'm good
To tell me I'm acceptable
And not in a passive way
I'm done being passive
You tell me what's good for me
And you go off and betray the only one who ever loved you
And that not me
And he's too far away to notice
But the six hour drive is nothing to him
Cause then he gets to see you
And you're giving him up for someone a thirty second walk away
Selfish
You have the world on a string
But that's not enough
You need to cosmos too
And I thought I was done with all this
But it's becoming more and more evident that
It never ends
The stupidity never ends
The selfishness never ends
The greed
It never ends
And for me
Second place is all I get
I am perpetually wearing that blue ribbon
I try to hide it from new faces
Because it forces me to take off my mask
Which is probably see-threw anyway
Cause I've never been able to trick people for very long
They all seem to come to the same conclusion eventually
And when they do
I'm left
Sitting alone
Wondering what I could have done better
Id like to say the answer is nothing
That I did all I could
That they're all ******
And some day you'll find people who actually like you
But those words are more tired than the socks left on the handles
That will never be clean again

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with the lies
And the fear that someday
Your back will turn on me
As it has to so many others
Can I be done with the being let down
Because the expectations I have of you
Aren't even that high
I just wanted you to be there for me
But you left.

Can I be done yet?
Done with the broken promises
Of love and otherwise
Because you had no intention
Of ever putting meaning into those empty words
Can I be done with the back and forth
I need a constant
I need you to stay
Or I need you to go
But I don't need you popping in and out as you please
And I would rather it is you just disappeared

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with feeling like I'm not good enough for you
Or your family
Even though I have never tried harder
To be worthy of someone
Can I be done with the judgment
And the subtle ways you prove to me
That you will always be
More important to me
Than I am to you

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with feeling like I owe you something
When you have done
Absolutely nothing for me
Except make me feel as if
I am unloved
By the people I love most
Can I be done with always worrying about you
When you don't bat an eyelash at me
Why do I know your problem
But you don't know mine
And more importantly
Why don't you tell me yourself

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with doing everything for you
With nothing in return
With promises of payback
But those words always being empty
And void of any true intention
Can I be done with the disrespect
And having to get along
With everyone you tell me to
But you never want to be around my friends
Because they aren't good enough for you

Can I finally be done yet?

The moons never talked to you
The way you wanted them to
Because they saw the truth
They saw your lies
In a way I could never
The northern lights dimmed when they caught sight of you
And the milky way shied away
Because if stars are good at one thing
It's fear
You've painted my heart black
And at first you told me it was so
I could travel the night with you
Unnoticed
But I've recently realized how many things
Are wrong with that statement
You never cared about me
You cared about the wind
And how it disappeared when you got far enough away
You liked the seclusion
You feed off the feelings of lose
People feel when you travel
When the sky turns pink
Thats when you'll return to me
From you illustrious travels
My dear Foreigner
That is when I will trust you with my heart again
When the sky tells me it is right
Because the sky is the only person left who hasn't lied to me
And all I want is to rest in her stars
And all I want is for the lies to be done
And all I want is for the loneliness to subside
And it's not to much to ask for
Because I know just how to do it

I still ******* love you
And I don't know what to do about it
Because whenever I start to forget
The sound of Mosquitos
Reminds me of all the whispers
I bet you don't even remember what you said to me
What you promised to me
I don't expect that from you
Monkeys could see what you were doing to me
But I guess my inferiority got to me
And I let it slide
But if strangers tell me to stay away
Should I listen?
You don't even make an effort anymore
So why should I?
Why do I still feel the need to tell you everything
Because it's occurred to me that I don't know you
I don't know if I ever did
But I know that this person you've become
The hallow person
Isn't who I wanted
And I'm a horrible person for saying that
Maybe now that nothing is clouding your judgment
You've realized you can do better
Or admitted that I can
But you were never the kind to admit defeat
There was a time that I couldn't picture my life without you
I cried to you not to go
Not to change
Not to leave me all alone
But now the best thing you can do for me
Is to never speak to me again
I never wanted to be this person
I never wanted to give up on you
But you've given me no choice
Wherever you are
Stay there
Don't come looking for me
Because there is nothing left here
For you to find

I'm staring to a wet footprint
At least that's what I think it is
I can't really tell
My vision is too blurring
My eyes are too dry
Because the last time I let go
Seems so long ago
But I'm determined not to do it again
Because
According to your institution
I'm not worthy of release
And all the eyes in this room
Are focused elsewhere
So why do I feel like I'm being watched
And why do I feel as if no one cares
And I'm wondering if I care
If I think the next year is worth this strain
And I'm beginning to be certain it isn't.

Words don't carry much weight
When they spring from hallow lips
Let alone
A hallow heart
Where not even your blood cells will enter
For fear of being trapped
In that black hole forever
Just like me
I have been pulled into your nothingness
And I cannot escape the grasp
Of your need to be alone
And my need to be needed
You made me feel that way
Until you made me feel like
The raindrops that made lines on my skin
Were useless and unimportant
Compared to the ink dripping from your vanes
Because you always were a poet
You had the perfect words
For the perfect times
To make perfect moments
But only when you spelled it out for me
Your voice never delivered the same grace
As your tire tracks fade
So will my need to keep them there
Just because you've been somewhere
Doesn't mean you'll return
And holding onto indents in the snow
Is an arbitrary action
That I will no longer take part in
The only things I will hold onto
Are the tree branches that carried me
Long before you came around
And tried to take their spot
But you're just not strong enough to beat my oak tree
And it's a shame
Because all this time
All I've wanted to do is trust you
But your breath speaks lowder than your words
And it tells me the past and future
Both of which scare me
And I'll watch the fog roll in
And wonder if the grass ever gets frightened in the dark
Because I know I do
Colored paper and tea leaves won't keep me safe
Only you can do that
So since safely isn't an option
I will have to fight
But do me a favor
Don't trust in the rose petals on your doorstep
Fear them

The heaviness of my eyes reminds me
Why I don't write your name anymore
There is too much time wasted on someone
Who walks through my life
And leaves all their **** for me to clean up
Leaves their life for me to fix
And if you really cared about me
You wouldn't blatantly disregard everything I say
I'm attempting to string pretty word together
To describe how I felt in those moments
But all I want to say is
You're a parasitic *******
You're a egotistical self pitying child
You're a reliable day ruiner
You're unapologetic in the worst way possible
And I have no more pretty words for you
Congratulations
You burned me out
You took the last shred of hope I had for you
And threw it way
Then washed it down with that first shot
I no longer believe you will be ok
I don't think you will ever be ok
And I just have one more thing to say about you...
You're a ****.

I had never felt closer to a person
Than in that moment
And now we were never farther
And I won't be the one to build the next bridge
Just to see you burn it
I thought you would whisper to me
The secrets of the universe
Little did I know
That everything you had said was falsified
And unimportant
I am not some crash test dummy
You can practice your feelings on
To see which ones break me
Just so you can sweet talk your way through
Life
Eventhough I know you've never been too good with words
The most profound thing about you
Is that you can make people believe you
You can make me believe you
When I have witnessed your manipulation
Time and time again
But I always thought I was different
That must be the most idiotic thing I have ever done
Believe in you
Believe in your words
The ones that used to create clouds for me to live in
I could have lived forever in those words
But just like my smile
They pass
And they won't return
They are waved away into nothingness
And I have to watch as my life fades with them
And I could create a million clouds
And they would still never be enough
I have no new love for you
Just the same feeling of dread
Everytime you make a wrong turn
So basically that feeling never goes away
But
For your sake
I hope you find a way to keep it there
Because you're running out of time
And I'm running out of capacity
And you are taking up too much room
Not in my heart but in my brain
And that's a place I never wanted you

What if the world didn't circle you?
What if, just maybe
There were greater forces moving us along?
We are just atoms
Held together by paper cuts and splinters
That we were too afraid to tell our mom about.
We are the same
So don't pretend like anything you do
Is superior to everything I do
Because
Unlike you
I do not wallow in misfortune
Or blame anyone else for my spilled milk
And these will always be my problems
That you were too busy
To care about
Because you are chasing a future
That you don't want.
We are just people
And the tape you used to showcase your pride
Doesn't make you more
It just makes you a sad little man
With a handful of opportunities
When all you can do is
Steal those chances from others
Even though no one has threatened to take yours
And you believe that no one could
But the day will come when you will fall
And someone will steal one of those opportunities
You thought you had a lifetime to achieve
And I will be there to watch
And catch
And stabilize
And throw my darts at the people who thought they could hurt you
Because I want you to know
That I am there for you
Even when it's not a full circle

Why cant the world see what I see in myself
The age old question that
No matter how hard you try to fake it
You have asked yourself
Every time the leaves started changing without you
And before you know it the snow is falling
But no friends are calling "you-who"
Outside your window
Because they never quite paid attention
To which one was mine
And social interactions were never my thing
I always do the wrong thing
And I wish I could say
"With you it didn't matter
Because you always made me feel normal
And loved"
But that would be a lie
And no one does that anymore
So why start now
Why fluff up your ego
And tell you what you want to hear
So you can use it as a boost
In other endeavors
That have never included me
I'm the sign on the highway
Covered with black cloth
Because the sign wasn't useful anymore
But no one cared enough to take it down

I try to act like what you say doesn't effect
Who I am or what I do
But it does

I inflict my own pain
So you can't hurt me
You can't torment me more
Than the snow
That always remembers my footprints
And where they took me
And though I can always hear the wind
It never seems to reach my skin
And I prefer red leaves to green
Because they appear to be on fire
And all I want is my life to
Be
On
Fire
And have flames run through my vanes
And engrave itself on the back of my neck
To represent the childhood house
That might as well be ash
Because there is nothing left worth saving

Your help is just about as useful as the quarters left under my pillow
In place of the bones I lost transitioning between childhood
And whatever stage I am in now
Because it isn't adulthood
It is a jumbled up mess of unwashed clothes and broken hair elastics
But mostly tears
And I have never viewed tears as a weakness
Always a strength
Because strong people feel emotion
Where weak people lack it
But even though my pillow knows my strength has no bounds
The world will never see power escape these eyes.
You'll never see the jeans laying on the floor around my room
And though I may still find coins behind my bed
They wont pay for the future they represent
And somewhere along the line
I went from making money from lost teeth
To spending money to get rid for them.
Your prayers are welcome but I don't know how much they will do
Because every prayer I ever made
Remains unanswered

I spend my weekends in the clouds
A place I never thought you would return to
And the words you said
To the long-haired boys
Still replay themselves in my head
Making me more annoyed every time
Maybe it was my brain making things worse than they were
Or maybe its the fact that
Every time you replay a memory
You change it
Maybe you weren't as insufferable as i believe
Maybe You were just trying to hard
And maybe it was the fact that your bird flew back to you
If only for a night
And when we were alone you treated me like i mattered again
So maybe you just care who sees you give compassion
Because the second your little bird came flying in
She was the only thing that mattered
Again
But that doesn't surprise me
What does is that I didn't care
I didn't care when you didn't pay attention
I didn't care that people were talking about you
And I didn't try to defend you
I've done enough of that
It's time for you to grow up
Without my help
Whatever you want the world to think of you
Is fine with me
And i wont try to tell people differently
And i wont get them to change their minds
Just like how i wont try to help you live your life
Anymore
Because
Too bad for you
I can move on
And you don't even know it
I didn't even know it until the night after
But you don't have me as you back up plan anymore
And I will sit in this five by two room
And do all the things that you cant
Do all the things that should keep you away from me
Because
While you are great when you spell out your words
Face to face may not be your thing

If only the answers could be written out in front of me
Then maybe I would know which way to turn
When the choices I have to make are not completely black and white
My life is made out of grey area
And no matter how bright my flashlight is
It isn't strong enough to fight off all the shadows
Taking refuge in the corners of my mind
Waiting for the moment to carry me to an unwanted place
In an unwanted time
In an unwanted life
Right and wrong are now unrecognizable things
And maybe I can tell the difference
But admitting my mistakes is always going to be harder
Than continuing making them
And my life was never supposed to be like this
And my name was never supposed to be used like this
And my days were never meant to be spent like this
In fear of anyone finding out my true plans
Of anyone finding out who I really am
Before I have the chance to figure it out myself
And the lines around the block
To see this lonely girl
Explain to a crowd of people who don't know her
Why she does the things she does
And you will be disappointed with the answer
Because she did it for the most scary reasons
But mostly
To be happy

My breath reaches for the stars
Creating clouds to obscure their vanity
But my fingertips pull me closer to the cement
And knowing that the last step is longing than the rest
Is helpful on the way up
But soon forgotten on the way back
Down
Dirt gets in between my toes
As I run towards comfort
That may or may not be
The
Fantasies of a child's mind
Playing hop-scotch
In a teenagers body
In a teenagers life
Walking down the
Hall
At school
Pretending that you cared enough
To carry my books
Even if my class is on the other side of the school
But
There
Aren't even books that are able to be carried
Especially by you
Because you don't even know what classes I'm taking
And all I'm asking of you
Is
To treat me like you did before
When you still thought you needed
To gain my love
Because just cause you have it
Doesn't mean I can't take it away
All I'm asking of you
Is some time for
A
Heart to grow open
And consume the love it's given
The love I offered you
But threw away
All I'm asking of you
Is to be a
Man
And own up to your feelings no matter how small
Because this might come as a shock
But you need me
And I can do without someone
Who
Wants the world on a string
Without ever casting his hook
Into the depths of his mind
Where he will
Never
Find the questions he is looking to ask
To match the answers he already knows.
Your head
Sleeps
On a pillow too far from mine
Yet I wish you could be farther
Because we only seem to work when
We have something holding us back
And I don't know
How
This came to be
But dysfunctional as it is
As we are
As
I
Am
I wouldn't want it any other way
And the stars in the sky scream for my
Wish
But I'll never tell the sky
It is far too vast
Far too many souls to tell
And not enough heart for me
So maybe
I
Will tell the blades of grass
I pulled out of the earth
While listening to silence
Because we never needed to say anything
Maybe I
Could
Tell the flies that circled my head
That night it all seemed like it was over
And it was all starting
In one breath
And I wish the planets would
Be
A bit more forgiving
But they remember everything
Every letter I threw out there
Like
A bird from a nest
That would never be able to fly
Just to see if they could float
But I guess my wings will never be strong enough for
**Him

My minds been compromised.
I can't form sentences
But when I do
It's just a jumbled up mess
Of the broken words
That fell out the window
That one cloudy night
Last May.
My minds made a compromise
With my heart.
One wont feel for you
If the other doesn't think of you
But they both have problems with
Keeping their promises.
Your tear-soaked "sorry"'s are on my clothes line
A different color for everyday
I cried to you through florescent light.
Caring is written on the ball
That I always throw correctly
But never really hit the target.
Caring is spray painted on your ceiling
But you always seemed to miss it
Every time you went to sleep.
Caring is the name of the one-way
Dead end
Street that I walk down every single day
Hoping for a different outcome.
And hoping was always something
I had left to those
More experience in short comings
Until I realized that the people
I should have been relying on
Were the people who hoped blindly and
Got everything they didn't know they wanted.
And for some reason
I wish it hurt more when you don't answer
Because then maybe I would have a new emotion
To connect to your smell.
And God only ever shed his light on me
When he knew I was indecent
But to be lit at all
Is a blessing itself
Right?
Right.
That is the only right answer to that question.
Right?

My writing is a pool of unattainable thoughts
Trying to find explanations where there are none.
I wouldn't expect you to understand because I don't myself
And
Like my words
I am floating aimlessly
Because my goals are unreachable
And my dreams are undesirable
Closing my eyes
And catching flies
Will only get me as far
As their wings can take me.
I am forever glued
To the spot you left me in
When you told me you'd see me again soon.
Lies.
All lies.
Liar.
I was warned and I continued because
I trusted in the man
Who I thought had
The heart of gold.
I was right
You do have a heart of gold
But it makes you greedy
You concentrate on how your happiness
Is immensely more important than
The people who loved you
And I say I understand
And I plead others to have reason
But I have limitations
And you are testing my tolerance
And your balance
Because
Trust me
The tightrope your walking on
Has two ends
And I am only holding one.

The only constant is change.
That must be your reasoning for why
Your emotions are constantly changing
Are you trying to find some stability
In a life where there is none.
And if I am the closest thing you have to stable
Then you must live your whole life
In the last ten minutes of Titanic.
Well good luck in the future
Because I am done being your rock.
If you've never noticed
People step on rocks
And the pebbles don't even get a thank you
When you use them as stepping stones
To cross your precious river.
Not only am I not interested in being
Walked over by you
I do not intend to spend the rest of my life
As your stability
Because do you know what happens to Stability?
Nothing.
Nothing happens to Stability.

O' bright one, tell me of the stars
Tell me about the songs each one sang to you
Whisper to me the secrets of the sky
Of the darkness you encountered
But of how there is light in the darkness
So you knew you'd never be completely lost.
Write me bed time stories of your adventures through Saturn's ring's
And the craters of the moon.
Tell me of how the face there was carved by you
In honor of the life you've left in a black hole
Somewhere in the depths of space.
Speak to me of the immensity of the universe
And how it only makes you feel larger
Because you got to witness it all from your flying machine.
Tell me of the crystal flowers you picked
In a meadow lightyears  away on a planet like earth
Only the grass is purples and the sky is orange
And the people are happy.
Dear Traveler, Tell me of the wine you drank
With the kings of far off galaxies
And tell me what you told them of earth.
Help me picture the waters you swam in with the beautiful mermaids that lead you astray
But remind me of how you don't care because you got a good story out of it.
Tell me of all the mistakes you are happy you made
Because the stars never judged you
And the planets never abandoned you.
Tell me of the people you met and the lives you changed
Because someone touched by light cant help but shed it on other people.
Tell me of the times you danced all night
Because a young maiden with three heads
Was just too much for you to resist.
Tell me of the field of glass hearts you had to walk through
To get to where you are now.
And then
Blessed One,
Tell me why any of it matters.

I can't hide from the pictures on my wall
Or the shadows in my room
Or the ballet shoes in my closet
That used to fit perfectly.
The mirrors know what I've done
And the Hand-Me-Down clothes judge me
From their untouched spots in my closet.
The old school books know my past
And the summer reading I haven't done
Attempts to tell the future
And it's probably right.
The old toys stored under my bed
Used to keep the monsters away
But now my stuffed animals help them
Reach through the cracks in my wood floor.
Unfolded laundry spills my secrets
To people who walk by
And folded cloths offer up gossip
To anyone who will give them some attention
Even though
Anything that is folded hasn't been touched in years.
Winter shoes are crying for approval
And summer shoes are screaming for a break
And I'm lost in the middle looking for both.
But my blankets and pillows have it worse
Because they can only guess why
I cling to them when the lights turn off.