when did you become cruel
was it the changing colors of the leaves
the change of scenery
no, it couldn’t be
you were cruel long before
when you tied my wrists
and whispered i was safe
when you smiled
and said everything was fine
all the while
you were cruel
to us
to me
to you

if there are five love languages
i am fluent
and you...
you could never speak

number one: words of affirmation
i never stopped affirming
"you matter”
“i believe in you”
you could never accept

number two: acts of service
when you were hungry,
i gave you food
but when i was starving for your love
you could never feed me

number three: receiving gifts
from me, you received
the dancing bears
for your coldest nights
you could never wear it

number four: quality time
in our time together
you were given
my undivided attention
you could never attend

number five: physical touch
i gave you my heart,
my body
selflessly, unconditionally
you could never touch me

if there are five love languages,
i am chomsky
and you...
you could never speak

one foot out
the other on its tiptoes
reminiscent of my ballerina days
neither here
nor there
the safety
pulling me in
the unknown
pushing me out
push
pull
push
pull
the dog barks
i turn around
engulf myself
in the safety
that i cannot yet leave
soon,
i tell the unknown

that september day
when everything changed
the two hour long drive
that felt like years
are you even alive
the vision of you
unconscious in that warehouse
my blind rage
that fueled me to your rescue
that september day
where i cradled you
for far too long
until you awoke
and nothing was the same
that september day
i brought you back to life
but you killed us forever