sometimes i wonder
am i lonely
or am i just alone

i ponder on this as I poison myself with more alcohol
and stumble across the busy streets filled with people looking for temporary pleasure.

cheap alcohol and ****** music
lonely old men that'd be slapping those shrinking ***** againsts an asian ***** later in the night
underaged kids addicted to the revolting taste of luxury with their parents money

i am a disgusting hypocrite for i live for nothing except cheap thrills and writing.

that night i remembered as we explored the familiar grounds
of all sorts of sinful pleasures
like books and hand squeezes from time to time
turned into something rather feisty
'rough'
i said
and 10 minutes later i'm laughing with my hands around his neck
just because i can
'you're crazy'
he would say between his laughter
'stop it. You're getting me out of my character'
i pout and squeezed harder and let go
and hear breathe again

i live for the taste of life. late night on his bike with wind through my hair. the overpriced coffee. i am somewhat a lazy and privileged *** in the prettiest hell anyone could ask for. sometimes crying and asking my dad why can't i feel anything. why cant i be emotionally connected to people. I like to think of myself as a vagabond (its the ADHD and depression he says just like what my psychiatrist tells me)when it comes to this sort of things and the alcohol makes it less revolting as i sit across the table saying things i don't mean nevertheless what i do, i do the best.

be patient.
for one day
as much as you don't believe in love
as much as you feel 'he' doesn't exist
you will see yourself
in white
walking down an aisle
and you will think back of when
you were 18 and never believed in its existence
and the feeling of being doomed to being alone
and how here  is waiting for you now
down the aisle beaming with pride
not breaking eye contact
because you were two human beings waiting
for each other.

'Ive done it all'
says every 18 year old.

not me.
ive not done it all.
i still haven't gotten accustomed to affection.
i haven't said 'I love you' and meant it.
I really want to go for bungee jumping.
Finish my half read books that i have up on my shelf.
hell,
i wanna wear my pretty dress and dance to frank sinatra with someone.
Grow my hair longer and dye it grey with black roots.
Get a job,an apartment,a cat.
nice antique plates.

its easier to fall in lust
than in love

knowing the difference
between being desired
and being valued

'you don't know how men are like'
my dad would always say to me