I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence yet, but three hours after we ended our conversation at midnight, exactly 6 months from the last day I saw you. We were so naive and and and now, 6 months ago I should have kissed you. Maybe my feelings were rectified in the sirens for the tornado and the rain approaching my house. My heart was racing as I headed toward the basement, but not from eye contact, or physical contact, please let me touch her. I’m shaking from the detox of a love unlike myself. I’m not myself. and ****, I walked past a mirror and took a glance but the crazed animal looked back and I stopped breathing. It’s not me, It’s not me, GOD IT’S PROBABLY ME! So Jesus our Savior, let me drown in the fire, **** it. if i can’t have her and if I can’t have love, let the tornado consume me and her so I may have my heart race for a good reason one last time before I **** myself so I can actually die and stay dead rather than live on without a single ******* emotion in my head. **** this life, it’s been too long since I’ve seen her. and my eyes have lost their glow. How am I supposed to live with the storm within the animal I hold in my heart?

I remember when you told me.
I had to go back,
reread like I was editing a paper when
your final revision had been made.
My heart fell to the bottom of the ocean that held
the boat we sailed on.
My eyes still remember the salty water over hesitant moons and I
double over.
I crawl to the bathroom and say
“this can’t be true”
Dry heaving my feelings from my stomach and turned
to face a light.
Shield my eyes from the florescent lighting in
the operating room where
you were the surgeon and
I was the patient.
You ripped me one piece by piece but
I was under.
I couldn't see then but the scars from the
stitches made of your words reminded me
of the pain.
The medication, your eyes.
Seen once or twice a week over FaceTime
just enough to ease the hurt until-
the next time we saw each other and
prayed the distance would be removed.
but you didn't like the silence of the space vortex I tried to build around us.
So I kept my feet on the ground.
For you, of course.

please throw me into the fire.
I'm cold enough without your shade
and I may end up in the flames in the end.
so please friend, tell me what difference it would make.

she was the type of girl you'd see in a park,
singing to the dandelions while strumming a guitar.
she was the type of girl to fall asleep next to her guitar
on bed of grass at the bottom of a hill.
magic in her fingers, she'd press her light frame to the grass
and force the darkness from her lungs into the earth.
magic in her eyes, mistress of the night.
banisher of spirits into the vacuum of space where
the only thing promised is eternal and infinite blackness.
magic in her lips, she kissed the fallen leaves
turning them to amber hues when the seasons get too cool for her life to flourish.
magic rattling through her bones when the winter nights are cold,
harboring flowers in her veins, she’d bleed to let them live.
magic in her blood, letting it drip to the mud
turning it auburn and burgundy.
she was the magic that is life
and the beholder of all things good.

they say there's smog in L.A.
but have you taken a look in my brain?
that one day when you yanked me into that room,
knowing you, I was afraid to enter.
because Alex was in the next one over.
I was headed there to play music so we could drop a boulder on our emotions,
just for those ten minutes.
I was one year older,
but I went by you anyway.
he didn't say much
to me the rest of the day.
I said yes because the pressure on me was more than a TV-
crew stalking me and my heart.
my emotions were fleeting and then you started to proceed in asking.
I SAID YES because of the smog was bowing thicker and I almost suffocated under your gaze.
I wanted to make you happy,
BUT HAPPINESS IS NOT A STATUS THAT I CAN
-“check yes in this box”-
around my thoughts.
so believe me when I say, that day messed me up
but I was waiting for the day for you to
turn away to someone else.
I needed to be me for once…

and so I told you,
again and again.
and only to your surprising dismay you realized that
I MAY NOT BE WHAT MY SHELL APPEARS TO BE.
that the pain in your voice caused me hell- I haven't slept well.
but you make ME out to be another girl,
leaving for a guy.
NOT EVERYONE IS THAT WAY.
had the connection been real
had the affection and your lips on my neck felt real
and made me FEEL SOMETHING,
then maybe I'd have stayed.
but no, so I'm the one to blame,
and honey… love is a two way game, and in this one
the winning cards weren't shuffled for you.
you said you UNDERSTOOD me and the way we'd be.
pain, it's visible.
IF you care,
you didn't stop hurting me there.
I SAW YOUR HURT because I was feeling it too.
you didn't dare take a look at me though. at any of me.
ME.
MY SHELL MAY LOOK LIKE IT’S DOING WELL.
but most days it held a near death entity.

so I'm an ex now…
okay.
I still hurt, but there's nothing I can say to make you believe
my pain is also valid.

I guess I never mattered...

and she was my light
she was my star, and sometimes stars die.
yet when stars die, they become a fountain of new light and color.
and she was my sun
she gave me warmth, she gave me life.
and she was the giver to everyone and their lost souls
because her eyes were my only salvation that banished the evil
and when her fingers brushed against my skin
my fear melted into the oblivion we've starved ourselves into.
and I was not worthy of her love.
and my heart is still cold and
my eyes are still shut behind lenses to dim her light
but why would anyone **** their savior?
forgive me father, I know not what I do.
but her spark is still there
in the midst of it all
a brewing cosmic explosion
a dynamic fusion of all her hurt