What I wish most is that I could douse gasoline on all my memories of you
and throw a lit match to it.
I wish I never let you enter my world.
I wish I couldn't discern your face from the next person.
I wish you never so insidiously crawled under my skin.
I should have known better.
But how could I have known?
When you spoke of technicolor dreams we could share
and sugary moments pressed together in bed.
It just isn't fair.
But I should be so grateful I could tell the signs early on.
I should be grateful that I stopped it.
You served your purpose
as my transitory phase.
I wasn't alone for the month of August.
But it would be easier now if I had been.

When the anguish and resentment and hurt and pain build up inside you like grout on shower tiles, remember this:
He was not your love. And he never was.
He could not carry every beautiful trait you possess.
He was too weak.
His eyes too dull.
His heart too shallow.
You may feel destroyed over the thought that you were too much, but let it bring bellowing laughter to you instead.
Let yourself remember that you hold more passion in a single strand of your hair than most people will ever carry inside their entire human vessel.
And it may tear you apart that he fooled you into thinking he was different.
But you must remember that there will be many parasites who come to leech off your light,
and you have always been strong enough to fight off every one before him.
And you will crush every one after him.
You must remember what you really are.
You must reclaim your rightful place as the warrior goddess
With your thousand arms
your lightning eyes and thunderous voice.
This pain will not silence you, for you are a force that can never be silenced.

This unfinished coloring is a perfect metaphor.
You did the same thing to it as to me.
You started it.
You started me.
And you enjoyed it at first.
You enjoyed me at first.
But not to the point where it could ever be a priority in your life.
Where I could be a priority in your life.
It was/ we were
a silly dalliance.
Ultimately fleeting.
Held little importance.
How could it have held much?
It was merely a thing to color.
How could I have held much?
I was merely a shiny new being you wanted to test out because I so intrigued you.
You used words like
"new"
"fresh"
"exciting"
to describe.
You didn't want to actually pour your time into me; pour yourself into me.
Or you would have used words like
"soothing"
"divine"
"fulfilling".
You could have made another home for yourself within me.
But instead you made me your summer getaway trip.

You want to create beautiful things
works of detailed art and diamond ******* rings

You want your face to be perfect
Porcelain. Pristine.
radiating a poison
which captivates them in a dream
You want your bones
draped in satiny skin
jutting out in all the right places
taunting the world with sin

Your eyes bright and beautiful
Lush.
You want the entire world
in your bejeweled clutch

Every person you glide by
to halt and to gawk
out of jaw-dropping bewilderment
of how you look when you talk
The slight of your lips
your gaze in your stare
the way you brush your lithe fingers
through your luxurious hair



And you wake up, you realize
in tragic defeat
What you want and obsess is just out of reach

You can never be beauty-full
as full of beauty as she.

It's all of the little things
the good that won't come out
Delusions and perceptions
endless pangs of doubt
Future worries, present cares
past lingers thick in the air
The scent of deceit is easy to trace
just start from the eyes
and lines of the face
Presently, you're just like the rest of them
so what were you before?
Are you too human and full of guilt to ignore?
Go ahead and rear your ugly head like a boar
try to fake your way through the whole ******* score.

At 13 she wanted to breathe
live the life the media
exposed on the T.V.s
Her heart and head without rest
all dead-set on becoming the best

Her motivations to do and believe
loving daughter, do good deeds
get good grades before school's end
find a boy to help play pretend

Years had been and not-so-suddenly
shifted
Doing the norm, the drugs
the insecurity temporarily getting lifted
Spirals are so cliche,
addiction is so normal
why make a scene of something
now so informal?

So she's overdosed on the affection
of her friends
their suffocating, being strangled
the means to her end
But her pride and her misery keep her locked
she likes the collapsing
Resuscitating is the last option
so she'll be eternally relapsing

Excuse me and my vacant eyes
my shallow words, those hollow lies
I don't really have a filter
of what I say and feel
Half the time, the things I've shown
they were not close to real
I don't look to sound pretty anymore
my words aren't very big
I don't try to sound the perfect score
it's all hit and miss with this gig
Effort was never my strong point
and now I've sunk to no care
so if it bothers you that I'm inhuman
fix me, I dare you to repair.