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Melina Gold Dec 2016
I don't mind being used solely for physical purposes
Just so long as I have your utmost attention and your fleeting affection
For a few moments
Simultaneous sighs escaping from us as we get high off our chemical reactions to the passionate actions we are creating with one another
But I would hardly call you my lover
Love isn't just desire it's dedication and as soon as I make you *** your dedication will run dryer than the sands of the Sahara
And my heart is on fire
Because I don't mind being used solely for your own gratification
Even though you make me writhe when you're inside me
When I leave you're just another goodbye to me
Not that I want it that way, you see because I want you to like me
I want you to see me as the life source you've been looking to feed off of
I want you to inhale me as if I am the air that you suddenly need to breathe
I want you to look at me and not think I'm just a couple holes and a pulse
I want you to look at me the way you looked at me when we were on ecstasy because that felt so real to me even though we were both so far gone from reality.
Meeting you was some awful fate because you have stuck with me
I replay images of the only two nights I have ever known you over and over
Paradise, Nevada
It's ******* sad.
I threw away what dignity I had just so I could grab you just so I could hold onto you as long as I could manage
Cause I knew it was a myth
Too good to be true
A trip within my trip
The hallucination where I didn't have to drop acid in order to create  it
You're another obsession
Another fantasy I have created so intricately in my mind
That I do not go a minute without thinking of it
I have played out every possible scenario in my head
Every which way we could be in bed
Again
I want it again
But I said it then
I meant it then
That once I had *** with you I would only want to again
And again
You're like the ink inside of my pen that I use when I scribble on the drawing pad of my imagination
My mind's eye gets so creative
I think about your kiss and your touch and your lips and the lust
The immediate attraction upon our first second of interaction
The way we danced and I didn't hate it
The way you talked and it made me elated
The way we ****** and I wished I could save it because for once I felt like everything was seamless
Fluid and effortless
Our chemistry was boundless
The connection felt endless
I felt so at home and I couldn't understand why
We had never known each other until the past night
And we will probably never know each other beyond that time
Never dreamed I would experience what I did
I do mind that it can never be relived.
I wrote this after a strange summer, what seems like an eternity ago. Found it deep within the recesses of my notes today.
Melina Gold May 2011
You want to create beautiful things
works of detailed art and diamond ******* rings

You want your face to be perfect
Porcelain. Pristine.
radiating a poison
which captivates them in a dream
You want your bones
draped in satiny skin
jutting out in all the right places
taunting the world with sin

Your eyes bright and beautiful
Lush.
You want the entire world
in your bejeweled clutch

Every person you glide by
to halt and to gawk
out of jaw-dropping bewilderment
of how you look when you talk
The slight of your lips
your gaze in your stare
the way you brush your lithe fingers
through your luxurious hair



And you wake up, you realize
in tragic defeat
What you want and obsess is just out of reach

You can never be beauty-full
as full of beauty as she.
Melina Gold Feb 2011
And I could not do it
I don't know why I keep making lies
to myself this way
The pavement I tread over
The air I turn into carbon
It's all not permanent
Nothing that is me can stay

Can't make up
my decisions
my mind
my basis of self
I'm in a constant daze
Help
my demeanor screams
Won't you, won't he
She breathes life I wish I could be
It's all your choice they tell
at me
I've really done
Set myself up for defeat

Everything could have been perfect
coming up roses
Could have possibly been just fine
But was just fine what I wanted
What I needed to get by
I have no interest
In anything
No nothing at all
I'm dead weight
sink
slouch
fall
All I do is waste
Do you see my purpose here

What I thought I wanted now seems
so unclear
Fear
fear on fear on fear
I want to speak
and talk
but my motivation disappears
Melina Gold Feb 2011
The humble new owner of a pitiful existence
wherever I go she follows in close distance
With her locks electrified with shine and her claws sharpened
so very fine
Starting at the ladder in my heart and climbing to my head
She wonders why I wish I was dead
Always avoiding emotion, building up
pouring out like the deepest ocean
I try to calm her, stop her tantrums
but she's a swingset back and forth
with moods at random
Says she's seen a lot, that I couldn't understand
her pitiful existence doesn't justify her being with a man
She doesn't want your help or smile or sorrow
Tells me she wishes to never see a tomorrow
The secrets she keeps will never be known to me
Assuring she doesn't have any, that of all sin
she's free
Never knowing always guessing
the fatal cycle of hoping
feeling
raging
forgetting
Every tear of hers I've felt on my skin was like pure cyanide
Another man couldn't handle the somber anguish it brings me
inside
Her eyes trying to disguise her demise
into the netherworld
I've tried everything imaginable to try to save this girl
She was young and naive, tried to convince me she didn't
know what she was doing
Yet any man with two eyes and ears and hands could have seen
it was love we were pursuing
And now that the first love's wooing is ended
She wants a friendship to keep us mended
But I just couldn't get it, don't understand what she's thinking
the thing that broke my heart wants to watch as I'm limping
Wants to help me along and pretend to be strong as I'm feeling
my whole life slip from my grip
Dependent on the nurture and the loving-caring drama
all I thought I wanted was to hold her in my arms
Never should have trusted those lying little hands
Or the way she told me she'd never want another man
She broke the chains and ****** up the plan
My heart is being picked apart by her plucking of its strings
she's reached down
snatched me
and tore off my wings
She steals all my dreams and twists them into nightmares
And anywhere my mind tries to escape
she goes there
Why this ***** tries to tell me to love another,
I can't comprehend
When she knows she's the only one I'll ever
want in my bed
And now I'm standing in a pool of impossible
with an ending to this hell nowhere in sight
I keep on lying to myself
sobbing, saying maybe one day
I'll be reborn into some light
I still love her but my passion is laced and saturated with hate
Intertwined with the loathing she's served me
on a plate
For somehow forgetting the oaths
The ones she's condemned us and forced us to forsake
Forever now seems like a lot of type of mind-*******
when you know your story ends just like the rest of them
If she was remotely forgettable, I'd dispose her
from my mind in a minute
But that can never happen for this humble owner
of this once-meaningful existence
written in the eyes of someone else.
Melina Gold Oct 2015
Words will flicker into nothingness as they flare up off my scorched earth tongue.
Singeing the feathers of the carcass of what once was my fluttering infatuation with you.
But I have always known infatuation is meant to burn out.
It's as if I willingly stepped into a wall of flames.
I suppose I wanted to scald the inside of my mouth with one sip of your name.
I suppose I wanted to be burnt so bad that every time I tasted something, there you would be.
But what had you ever really given me?
I was infatuated with a fantasy
There was no reality
Only the mock flames that were forged
And then blew out so simply.
Melina Gold Feb 2011
Just like that
everything is gone
burning bridges
my favorite hobby
I could make ash all day long
Throw a few more matches to the breeze
Making piles of people and places
and all this memory to be scorched with ease
Things to be replaced
but painstakingly unforgotten
I'm consumed by my subconscious
as my frontal lobe is rotting
Daydreams and hopes
He's coming full circle
Will we ever leave the house now
knowing the ground can be hurtful
Melina Gold Feb 2011
Warm dewy glowing
upon my childish face
swinging and napping
skipping
pace
pace
Joy still sparks
when I play hide and seek in the dark
I'm forever young
A child til I die
Maybe I'm hallucinating
Seeing through my intoxicated eyes
Melina Gold Mar 2011
Excuse me and my vacant eyes
my shallow words, those hollow lies
I don't really have a filter
of what I say and feel
Half the time, the things I've shown
they were not close to real
I don't look to sound pretty anymore
my words aren't very big
I don't try to sound the perfect score
it's all hit and miss with this gig
Effort was never my strong point
and now I've sunk to no care
so if it bothers you that I'm inhuman
fix me, I dare you to repair.
Melina Gold Oct 2015
It's because I cannot have you
that I want you all the more
Melina Gold Oct 2015
My mother said, "He seemed nice, but he didn't seem like THE ONE or anything like that."
That woman is always right.
Now if my heart could just agree with her.
Melina Gold Dec 2016
Do you ever desire to profess your loathing of everything and everyone?
Do you ever think that this is simply because you have absorbed all the negativity flooding the world and now want to release that back outward?
Or maybe you have always disliked everyone?
The waves of bitterness are relentless
I feel oftentimes defenseless
Against the pulsating and undulating waves of disgust I am overcome with
For all humans, even those I thought myself close with
Everyone is fake
But what constitutes fake?
What constitutes shallowness?
It is the lack of depth I see, the opposite of authenticity
The ability to say one thing then go back on your word instantly
The inability to practice what you preach
All I can hear is your inconsistency
Out
Melina Gold Mar 2011
Out
It's all of the little things
the good that won't come out
Delusions and perceptions
endless pangs of doubt
Future worries, present cares
past lingers thick in the air
The scent of deceit is easy to trace
just start from the eyes
and lines of the face
Presently, you're just like the rest of them
so what were you before?
Are you too human and full of guilt to ignore?
Go ahead and rear your ugly head like a boar
try to fake your way through the whole ******* score.
Melina Gold Nov 2015
I am exquisite
I am divine
I am so loved
And I give so much love
I give it tenfold
I spread messages of truth
I share my views and awaken those who search for guidance
I am the brightest crystalline white light
I am the warmest blanket freshly out of the dryer
I am soothing and I am soft
I am sweet like chocolate drizzled on cherries
My body is nirvana
And I deserve nothing less than worship at my temple
Melina Gold Oct 2015
When the anguish and resentment and hurt and pain build up inside you like grout on shower tiles, remember this:
He was not your love. And he never was.
He could not carry every beautiful trait you possess.
He was too weak.
His eyes too dull.
His heart too shallow.
You may feel destroyed over the thought that you were too much, but let it bring bellowing laughter to you instead.
Let yourself remember that you hold more passion in a single strand of your hair than most people will ever carry inside their entire human vessel.
And it may tear you apart that he fooled you into thinking he was different.
But you must remember that there will be many parasites who come to leech off your light,
and you have always been strong enough to fight off every one before him.
And you will crush every one after him.
You must remember what you really are.
You must reclaim your rightful place as the warrior goddess
With your thousand arms
your lightning eyes and thunderous voice.
This pain will not silence you, for you are a force that can never be silenced.
Melina Gold Mar 2011
At 13 she wanted to breathe
live the life the media
exposed on the T.V.s
Her heart and head without rest
all dead-set on becoming the best

Her motivations to do and believe
loving daughter, do good deeds
get good grades before school's end
find a boy to help play pretend

Years had been and not-so-suddenly
shifted
Doing the norm, the drugs
the insecurity temporarily getting lifted
Spirals are so cliche,
addiction is so normal
why make a scene of something
now so informal?

So she's overdosed on the affection
of her friends
their suffocating, being strangled
the means to her end
But her pride and her misery keep her locked
she likes the collapsing
Resuscitating is the last option
so she'll be eternally relapsing
just the story of the average young girl.
Melina Gold Feb 2011
To understand oneself
they must understand their insides
Never knew a man who didn't know
What made up the tears in their eyes

And I never loved a man who didn't quite exceed
the consciousness of the world
and all its vapid greed
He never once did say "ignorance is bliss"
But instead to "question everything"
And with that thought, I'd surrender a kiss
Melina Gold Dec 2016
I wish I could open your mind for you
I wish I could make you see
Your lack of yearning for creativity and diversity bothers me
Your inability to believe that we are all one makes me fear for us as beings
Your lack of empathy and stern upbringing of hatred makes me feel uneasy
The way you stack your cash and see it as your idol yet preach the teachings of the bible makes me feel like you are worshipping some very backwards idols
and I don't know how you can subscribe to that
Your so-called ethics are ******* whack
All you care about is power and world ******* and cultural elimination
Degradation of ourselves as a nation We are a people who are "free" to do as they please yet all we please is chasing money.
Paper-obsessed monkeys.
Material-hungry junkies.
I find it kinda funny that we worry about that more than our environment we live in
Now that's real ****** sinning
I wish I could make you realize that imperialism isn't the way
Penetrating foreign land and taking away their culture to replace it with our own isn't right.
In fact, it's insane.
Why do you feel the need to instill your greed into everything you do?
In the long run how does that benefit you?
Did you lose your soul so long ago and now you just have no way to bring it back home?
I want to believe that you can maybe one day embrace the world and see how I see
Life should be beautiful for all and people need to be cherished
But the way the world is running is making millions perish
No sustainability
No sharing
No loving or even a hint of caring
No mercy or remote attempt at understanding
How can that be so demanding?
How is it wrong to want all persons equally treated?
Health should not be a privilege it should be an automatic given
What makes you think that someone is worth less than you?
What makes you think it's okay to let a person rot away just because they can not pay?
It's heartbreaking that money paves the way for life from birth til death.
And it's sad to think money-worshipping may never end
And I don't know if people will ever stand up to defend what's right.
But the thought of an evolution of consciousness helps me sleep at night
So maybe one day your mind will be unleashed
I wish I could open it for you
I wish I could set it free
Found this deep in my notes, forgotten about til today. Amazing how it rings even truer in these dismal times our planet is experiencing...
Melina Gold Feb 2011
Body shaking
ground moving
red green blue
colors receeding
insides on fire
head pulsating
Assume the position
drown in lost ambition
drink it down
throw it up
same old ****
different ******* visions

Swirling fast
losing consciousness
groove is thrown off
now you gotta live with it
all those thoughts pouring out
like Kool-Aid
All those fools pretending
to listen to your tirade
They're not your friend
or your foe
But it's the closest thing to love
and comfort and contact
that you'll ever know
Melina Gold Oct 2015
What I wish most is that I could douse gasoline on all my memories of you
and throw a lit match to it.
I wish I never let you enter my world.
I wish I couldn't discern your face from the next person.
I wish you never so insidiously crawled under my skin.
I should have known better.
But how could I have known?
When you spoke of technicolor dreams we could share
and sugary moments pressed together in bed.
It just isn't fair.
But I should be so grateful I could tell the signs early on.
I should be grateful that I stopped it.
You served your purpose
as my transitory phase.
I wasn't alone for the month of August.
But it would be easier now if I had been.
Melina Gold Oct 2015
This unfinished coloring is a perfect metaphor.
You did the same thing to it as to me.
You started it.
You started me.
And you enjoyed it at first.
You enjoyed me at first.
But not to the point where it could ever be a priority in your life.
Where I could be a priority in your life.
It was/ we were
a silly dalliance.
Ultimately fleeting.
Held little importance.
How could it have held much?
It was merely a thing to color.
How could I have held much?
I was merely a shiny new being you wanted to test out because I so intrigued you.
You used words like
"new"
"fresh"
"exciting"
to describe.
You didn't want to actually pour your time into me; pour yourself into me.
Or you would have used words like
"soothing"
"divine"
"fulfilling".
You could have made another home for yourself within me.
But instead you made me your summer getaway trip.

— The End —