“Hayaan mo na lang ako matulog.”


Eto ang realidad,
Ng mundo,
Dahan-dahang pumapalibot sa atin,
Ano bang mali sa’kin?
Sobrang layo pa ng hinaharap,
At hindi ko maisip kung ano ba dapat ko maging.
Ano ba dapat **** gawin?
Marami nang nangyare,
At ano pa ba ang pwedeng maganap?
Magkukulong sa sulok,
At magmumukmok,
Naka-ilang hithit-buga na ng yosi,
Baka sakaling makalimot.
Naka-ilang bote na ng alak,
Pampakalma sa pusong kumakabog.
Hindi mo mapigil ang pag-tulo ng luha,
Isa-isang nawawalan ng kislap ang mga tala sa iyong mata.
Nawalan na ng liwanag ang buwan,
At ang araw ay hindi na sikat,
Naghalo ang amoy ng dagat at ulan,
Sumingaw mula sa mainit na lupa parang naagnas na katawan.
Lalabanan ba ang apoy?
O hahayaan lamunin ka at matupok?
Lalangoy ba kasabay ng mga alon?
O handa ka nang malunod at mabulok sa kailaliman?
Hanggang sa hindi na ma-iahon.
Marami ang nagtatanong,

“Mahalaga pa ba ang nakaraan?”

Kung ang hinaharap ay nagtatago sa likod ng kasalukyang puno ng kirot at hirap,
Hinagpis at galit,
Poot at pagkamuhi,
At sakit na walang lunas.

Mahalag ba ang nakaraan?
Maraming pagkakataon na ako ay lumipad,
Mula sa kalangitan, malaya ang diwang may pakpak,
Naglalangoy sa ulap ng kawalan.
Tanaw ko ang sanlibutan, nag-aaway,
Nag-papatayan, para sa ano?
Lupa? Pera? Para sa diyos na makapangyarihan?
Ngunit ang mahabaging diyos ay wala namang pakialam.
Wala naman dapat patunayan,
Wala naman dapat paglabanan.
Rinig mo ba ang ingay mula sa kabilang baryo,
Parang mga asong ulol, nagkumpulan at tumatahol.
Ako ay naglakad,
Saksi ang dalawang paa sa harapang pang-gagahasa ng mga higanteng buwaya; walang umalsa.
Natatakot sila.
Dahil sa mata ng nakararami,
Karahasan ang tama,
At hindi ang karapatan ng bawat isa.

Marami ng problema ang daigdig,
Dadagdag ka pa ba?
Iiwasan mo na ba o babalikan mo pa?
Pilit lumalayo,
Patuloy ang pagtakbo,
Ngunit hindi pa rin maabot ang dulo.
Hindi malaman kung saan patungo.
Dalhin mo ako sa lugar,
Kung saan mapayapa ang buhay,
At mayroong pag-ibig na tunay.
Dahil matagal nang may sindi ang nitsa,
Hihipan ko na ba?
O hahayaan na lang mamatay ng kusa parang paubos na kandila.

Dahil eto ang realidad,
Ng mundo,
Dahan-dahang pumapalibot sa atin,
Ano bang mali sa’kin?
Sobrang layo pa ng hinaharap,
At pagod na’ko magising,
Gusto ko na lamang umidlip at managinip,
Patungo sa paraisong ang ihip ng hangin ay malumanay,
At ang kulay ng paligid ay pagmamahal na dalisay.

“Hayaan mo na lang akong matulog. Kung sa aking pag-gising ay meron paring sakit, hayaan mo na lang akong matulog, dahil pagod na’ko magising.”

Hayaan mo na lang akong matulog.
Baka sakaling hindi ko na maramdaman ang sakit.

Hayaan mo na lang akong matulog.
Kahit ilang oras lang, iiwan ko ang mundong mapanakit.

Hayaan mo na lang ako.
Dahil gaya ng sabi mo,

“Sa sobrang hilig mo sa sleep, pwede ng ipalit ang pangalan mo sa salitang *ogip.”

Kaya hayaan mo na lang akong matulog,
Dahil pagod na’ko magising.
At ayoko nang magising.

Gabi.

Nang una kitang makita.
Ikaw yung matingkad at nagniningning sa madilim na parte.
Sa may kubo.
Nakaupo.
Ikaw, alak, at sigarilyo.

Lumapit ako.
Dahan-dahan, para malaman kung alin at ano.
Kung bakit nga ba sa dinami-dami ng tao,
Bakit sa’yo ako dumiretso.

Gabi.

Ikaw ang unang nag-salita.
Ngumiti lang ako, habang nakatitig sa’yo.
Tila may kabog sa dibdib.
Hindi maipaliwanag ng bibig.

Tinanong mo ako kung naniniwala ba ako sa diyos.
Sagot ko ay hindi.

“So, atheist ka?”
Tanong mo na may halong pag-dududa.
Sinagot kita. Sabi ko, oo.

“Tayo na ba?”
Ngumiti ka at tumawa.

“Sige.”
Biro-biruan lang.
Walang palitan ng “mahal kita.”
Nag-palitan lang tayo ng numero.
Sabay sabi “nandito lang kung sakaling kailangan mo ako.”

Lumipas ang ilang araw.
Hindi na tayo nagkita.
Minsan, nag-uusap sa telepono
Madalas, hindi kumikibo.

Minsan, magpaparamdam.
Madalas, parang wala lang.

Minsan, nariyan lang.
Madalas, wala lang.

Gabi.

Nang tayo’y muling magkita.
Sa harap ng bahay.
Sa may kalsada.
Nag-usap ang ating mga mata.
Ikaw, alak, at sigarilyo.

Tanda ko pa non, magpapasko yun. Laseng na ako.
Madaling araw na, tara sa dagat, ligo tayo.
Mga alas tres na yun.

Tapos nag-inom ulit tayo dun.
Sa likod ng pick-up truck.
Sa bote na ng Jim Beam deretso ang inom.
Walang chaser.
Kasi wala namang habulan.
Hindi naman tayo naghahabulan.

Gabi.

Pang-ilang ulit na ba?
Akala ko biro lang,
Akala ko lang pala.

Yung joke time, tila nagiging seryoso na.
Natatakot ako baka bigla na lang ‘tong mawala.

Pero sa t’wing magkasama na,
Lahat ng problema’y nalilimutan bigla.
Kita ko ang ngiti sa mga mata mo.
Madilim man ang paligid,
Maliwanag naman sa piling mo.

Gabi.

Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula,
Kung ano ba ang dapat sabihin,
Yung tama lang at hindi makakasakit ng damdamin,

Pero bago natin tuldukan,
Bakit hindi muna natin simulan sa kama,
Kung ang ending ba natin ay parang sa pelikula,
Yung masaya o tulad din ng iba, yung hindi pinagpala.

Pero maaga pa ang gabi,
Hayaan **** mahalin kita ng lubos kahit sandali,
Pati ang mga galos at sugat mo,
Yayapusin ko hanggang sa maghilom at mawala ang sakit,
Dahil kung may pusong mabibigo, 

Gusto ko yung hindi sa’yo.

Kay hayaan na lang muna siguro natin na gan’to,
Pag-sapit naman ng gabi,
Ikaw pa rin ang uuwian ko.

Kulang ka sa tulog,
Kaya 'di ka nananaginip,
Mulat ang mga mata,
Ngunit sarado ang isip,
Lumilipad sa kalawakan,
Habang humihigop ng hangin,
Mayrong puting usok,
Pumapalibot sa paligid,
May batong gumugulong,
Pinapaikot yung plastik,
tik,
tik,
tik,
Dinig mo ang pag-ikot ng kamay ng orasan,
Para bang may nagbabantay,
Andun sa dilim,
Pati yung nakaraan,
Dinadalaw ang buhay,
Takot ang sumisilip,
Ayaw kang lubayan,
Pag huminto ka saglit,
Mauubusan ka ng laman,
Gusto mo ay palaban,
Maglalaro ka ng apoy,
Kahit magka-sunugan,
Dahil matindi ang pangangailangan,
Yung tawag ng laman,
Pag nariyan sa harapan,
Hindi mo na matanggihan

Until we find ourselves under the same stars. We'll be searching over and over for the love we have left in the open sky. And this my love, is my unsent letter of an unfinished story.


And this is the beginning.


From scraps of broken pieces of ourselves, we once built trust.
From the shattered pieces of our hearts, again we danced without the music and the lights surrounding us.
From empty chairs and spaces, we shared the deepest scars unknown to the people around us.
From lonely words and empty promises, we laughed and smiled as we exchanged happy thoughts of goodbyes and suicides from past experiences.


And from nothingness, for a moment,
As we lie down together with the sky slowly covering the sun,
I watched you as you slowly undress,
I prepared for battle,
I knew it will happen,


Our souls collide
Our bodies unite
Our hearts ignite
And the night was filled with lust
And there was something
Yes! it was a different kind of love
No! It wasn’t love but it was pretty close


But until then…


Until we find ourselves in the same bed, underneath the same blankets. We’ll be searching over and over for the love we thought would never end. And this my love, is my unsent letter of an unfinished story.


I remember how you would cling onto my arms and you’d tell me:

“I’ll annoy you forever”

And then, we’d walk around town like it’s the last.

I remember how often we exchanged messages and how long we spent talking on the phone.
We talked about politics, we talked about god, we talked about how ****** up this life is for us.
We talked about anything under the sun.


I remember everything we did that made us who we are. I remember everything you said. From sweet talks to curse words. From I love you to go **** yourself. From I'm sorry to *******. From i miss you to why don’t you just die? And from ingat ka to putang ina.

For a second, I remember everything.

Wait.

You were like the sound of the pouring rain, it ease my mind, you remove my pain. You were like a freshly opened bottle of water or a Gatorade, you quenched my thirst every time I dive right in between your hips without wearing anything. You were like the PM1 at Mang Inasal, when I was starving to death, you feed my hunger with unlimited supply of love, but only for a matter of minutes until the guard places the signboard at door saying “sorry we're closed.”


“Sorry, we’re closed.”


At that moment, I saw the future was only a step away from the present.
And every time you said “I love you, babe” without sound.
I knew it from the heavens above,
Angels can be true, sometimes.
But then I knew it too,
Before we even began,
We were already at the end.
Just waiting to finish what we were about to get started.


From the promises we made, we lied to keep us safe.
From all the pain we felt, not even a single shot of morphine can make us numb.
And from all the hurt we had, we drank ourselves with beer and threw up all the **** like we don’t care.
And from something, once again, we were nothing.
Yes, we were nobody from the beginning.
And it happened as if it was expected to happen.
Before we even began,
We were already at the end.
Just waiting to finish what we haven’t started.


But until then..


Until we find ourselves under the same sun. Burning our skin trying to look tanned. Burying our toes into the sand like burying the past ‘cause no one would understand. Maybe somehow, somewhere, we won’t be searching anymore for the love we thought we deserve. But maybe, we could just accept the love that is being freely given without asking anything in return.


And this my love, is my unsent letter.


And I'm just a name you won't even remember. And you'll look for that distinct part of me but you won't find that from anyone else. I swear to god that I don't even believe in, you won’t find me in that lonely hearts club band playing your favorite songs of blues and jazz.


But you know exactly where to find me.
You just don’t want to.
And if you’d only search your heart.
You’d find me there, sleeping soundly.


But until then...


This is the end of our story.

I’m not giving up I say
I’m fighting for my right to live
This won’t be a better place
If we keep hiding our faces
These words are bullets written by poets
A beautiful poem that could change someone’s perspective

Read between the lines,
Sometimes words have no meanings,
But what could meaningful words mean,
If we don’t do anything
Live and let live,
Choose between living or dying,
An eye for an eye or forget and forgive

So don’t you just give up I say
Fight for your right to live
This world will be a better place
If we show our true faces
These words are bullets written by poets
A beautiful poem that could change someone’s perspective

We could all live in harmony
Singing in sync with rhythm and melody
That’s what humanity’s supposed to be
Don’t have to die for anything, land or religion
Cause what’s the point of living if we’re hateful human beings
So do what you think is right
Spread love and reunite
At day’s end who’s to suffer?
Us and our children

So don’t you just give up I say
Fight for our right to live
We can make this world a better place
Smile on children's faces
These words are bullets written by poets
A beautiful poem that could change someone’s perspective

Now what you see is what you get,
But we deserve more than better,
If we get our acts together
We’ll have everyone in the future
Soon is not enough
Now is the answer
A place for everybody
Believer and non-believer

I’m not giving up I say
I’m fighting for our right to live
This world’s a better place
If we show our real faces
These words are bullets written by poets
A beautiful poem that could change someone’s perspective
So don’t you just give up I say

Fight for our freedom
We can make this world a better place
Smile on our faces
These words are bullets written by poets
A beautiful poem,
I hope it changed your perspective

She wanted the stars
I offered her the moon
She wanted words
I sang her songs
She wanted time
I gave her mine
She wanted love
So I offered her my heart,
I gave her something,
Not even money can buy,
I gave her a piece of me,
Which took me years to complete,
Yet in the end,
My existence still wasn’t enough.

Sa tuwing naaalala,
Ako'y naluluha,
Di lubos na akalain,
Lahat ay mawawala,

Ang pag-ibig na pinagsaluhan nating dalawa,
Sadyang kay bilis limutin,
Parang inihip lang ng hangin,

Tila ganon lang kadali,
Pipilitin ko rin ngumiti,
Lalasapin ko ang pait,
Titiisin ko ang sakit,

Dahil wala ka na,
Iniwan **** nag-iisa,
Di na mababalik ang tamis,
Di na mahahagkan pa muli,
Di na mamasdan ang ngiti,
Di na mauulit pa,
Hindi na muli,
Dahil wala ka na,

Saan ba tayo nawala?
Ba't hindi ko nakita?
Di lubos na akalain,
Tatangayin pala ng hangin,

Ang pangako sa isa't-isa'y,
Babaliin lang pala,
Okay lang ako yung masaktan,
Wag ka lang mawawala,

Tila ganon lang kadali,
Ba't ang hirap pa rin ngumiti,
Nilasap ko na ang pait,
Tiniis ko ang sakit,

Tangi kong hiling sinta'y
Nakikinig ka,
Minahal kita abot langit,
Hanggang maubos lahat ng "subalit”

I know you could deny me,
In front of everyone,

A bad memory I have become

But no one could replace me,
We both know I was the one,
Who picked you up when you were down

I know you would deny me,
In the eyes of everyone,
A bad memory I have become

But you could never change it,
The fact that I was the one,
Who dressed you up when you have none

Why do we keep on fighting?
Why do we live?
Why do I live?
Why?
Why can't I just leave?

Let me sleep universe.
Let me slip away.

You are the hurt I'd like to keep
My forever pain that would never leave

Of all the battles that I have fought
You are my sweetest defeat

You are the waves of the sea
I am the shore that waited for thee

You are the stars of the night
That shines brightly with glee

And I am the sky,
Dark and lonely without you in me

You are like the words I couldn't speak
I couldn't let you go that easily

For you are everything I would ever need
The highest form of bliss that always gives me chill

You are the hurt I'd always keep
My forever pain that would never leave

You are the love I'll always seek
Forever in my heart I'll always keep

Precisely.
Methodically.
One heart at a time.

I saw shapes, scratched in the dirt...
Spirals and eyes and jagged mouths,
A relic of some sort,
Maybe memories are remembrance.

Can we associate pain with art?
Are we capable of art?
I wonder...
Is hurting a form of art?

Maybe.

I've been smiling a lot now,
Since you came into existence,
My world's become so different,
And you just let me become me,
Not in the way you wanted to see me,
And I appreciate the fact that you're always there
Someone I can talk to,
Someone who really listens,
And I hope we don't ever lose our connection,
But I want you to know,
I'll always remember you,

You're the one who saved me, (I'll always remember you)
So grateful for having you, I really do,

So thank you for making me smile once again,
When I'm inside your world,
I don't want it to end,
'Cause now I've finally found the reason,
And it's you

So thank you for sharing your smile to me,
You light up my whole world,
Though there's nothing to see,
And now I've finally found the meaning,
And it's you

I've been smiling a lot now,
Since you came into my world,
Nothing really matters,
And you could stay here as long as forever,
I'm lucky enough to spend with you some time,
I appreciate the fact that you're always there,
Even from afar
You always seem near,
And I hope we don't ever lose that connection,
I just want you to know,
I'll always treasure you,

Can we just break the trend of losing and winning an argument?
It's not my cup of tea, you see,
I'll just forget the things you said,

But it hurts me more to see you sad,
And to see you smile is way different,
So I hope someday you'll find forever peace inside you heart,

So long, so long,
Good memories,
Something to remind,
I was once your prince,
And you were my princess,
You were my queen,
You were once everything to me,

Somethings are better left unsaid,
I'll keep it hidden under my bed,
Some words have two meanings,
Yet some are meaningless,

And some changes with how you say it,
So be mindful 'cause it'll burn bridges,
But I hope someday you'll find forever peace inside your heart

Can we ever learn to understand,
Our differences shouldn't be a thing,
Easy to say but if love is real,
Everything will perfectly fit its  place.

Bigla bigla ka na lang dumadalaw eh. Nagkaka-gulatan tuloy. Ano ba meron  at andun ka? Andun din ako. Nag-tago ako sa likod ng kurtina para di na magkita. Kaso uwian na pala. Naglabasan na ang mga bisita. Ba’t nagkita pa?
Eh ayan tuloy, tumulo ang luha. Tumalikod ka at lumakad palayo na parang walang nakita. Sinundan kita.

“S…! Wait! Can we talk?”

Tumingin ka lang sakin habang patulo na ang mga luha.

“Mag-usap tayo saglit bago ka umalis.”

“What’s there to talk about? Eh hindi ka nagparamdam?”

“Tinawagan kita! Ilang beses pero hindi ka sumsagot!”

“That’s it? Pag di sumagot di ka mag eeffort?”

“No. Hindi naman sa…”

“How bout my stories sa IG? Nakita mo diba? Di mo man lang ako kinumusta? Ang tagal kong naghintay tapos ngayon… ano…”

At tuluyan ka ng umiyak. Di ako umimik. Dahil alam kong walang kahit isang salita ang makaka-alis ng sakit na iyong nadarama.

Tumalikod ka at lumakad palayo. Dahan-dahan.
Sinundan kita. Hindi.
Hinabol kita. Hindi.
Pero sana noon ko pa ginawa nong pwede pa.
Cause I remember hurt by looking at her, hurt.

They say the worst heart break was the first,
Not the second, nor the third,
Not to question the fourth,
And the fifth, never heard,
There's not much on this list,
Even if there was a sixth,
So the question is,
Why the **** does this still fvcking hurt?