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Psychobabble in progress. Waiting for the flow......

Slow and steady but I feel like a hurricane.
In order to express I have to dig,
so much under my walls with such itty-bitty living space.
I catch my subconscious thinking inspiration is a race.
Though, that frame of mind is hard to avoid in such a place.
And ostentatious race, needing metaphorical mace.
So many wolves, it's hard to know what's looking for love and what's looking to feed.

I don't understand the part of me that gets so completely chaotic whenever I try to let someone in. I tell myself it's because there's no new found security in our relationship yet but part of me knows it'll still be there once we get past it (this time I really feel like we will). I don't want to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's an indescribable feeling of chaos, it's beautiful, but it's still chaos. I beat myself up for acting so clammy. So much warmth under an ice cold exterior. It's so frustrating, there's walls not even I can penetrate sometimes. My own scar tissue has a lot more control over me than I thought. I'm almost there, I'm ready for it. There's just something about not having a firm foundation to stand on quite yet that kind of makes me feel like a fish out of water at times.Today I'm fluctuating between feeling beautiful and like totally chaos. I just hope he's patient when dealing with such delicate merchandise.

I have a tendency to forget that others are just as vulnerable as myself.
I will let my self sink in to the blue,
I may float for a while and smile too,
I will close my eyes and think of ...
I may drift off as I drift out in the sea to,
the sea dreams, or landlocked in
the lake of the lost, feeling small on
the ocean adventure,
all from by bed with blue sheets and
king size comforter.

My beard is a windsock, I know the breeze is changin'.

This my vessel, the anchor has been weighed,
I set sail tonight again, to ride the waves,
for when morning cracks the horizon,
I find a port and with my sea legs, walk,
the lands, never yet
finding home.
People want a good story
One that makes them restless
They want the happy ending
That wraps up all loose ends
Ties them in a perfect knot
People seem to crave the exploitation of others
See someone else’s life fall apart
And watch as they pick up the pieces
They want to see their story break and revive
But no one desires to see their own life shatter before their eyes
To see what once was so nice
Break and fall apart
Because then there are loose ends
Hanging above and below
Not connecting
There is glass that breaks and shatters
And the worst part is
They don’t know if they get the happy ending
It’s not a book or movie where the world is controlled
Created from someone else’s head
And then bestowed to the waiting audience
It’s a cruel and harsh reality
The story isn't imaginary or pretend
It’s a raw event
That shakes them to the very core
And each chapter seems to write itself
As blank pages turn
The story told over and over
Events fill chapters, words fill lines
And letters fill every aspect of life
Building and molding to make sense of all that occurs
The story of life
People strive to fill in the blanks
Know what lies ahead
Question why this occurred
But sometimes people leave their story alone
Allow it to flourish and grow on its own
Living life to the best way they can
And granted, life will turn their story upside down
Twist and turn it all around
Make some chapters unbearable to see and read
Make them regret and cry to an end
But some chapters will provide unstoppable laughter
Beautiful memories that capture the heart
Monumental moments
That leaves them breathless
People want a good story
One that will make them restless
They want the happy ending
Maybe that’s what makes the story so interesting
Not knowing the ending
Just living
Broken heart,
Tired eyes.
But a smile
is her demise.

It hides what lies within
while her cover grows even more thin.

And a tear falls down in the middle of class,
That cover now as useful
as shattered glass.

But she picks up the peices,
And puts them in her pocket.
Saving them for later,
When the *demons scream loudest
A silence with you
Is not
a silence

But a moment rich
with peace
Nothing complements a cup of Earl Gray tea
quite like a walk around Nevada City
and a few cigarettes.

Of course
knowing I will see you tomorrow
and complement your outfit (because it will be nice)
will do fine.

I asked for a dance and you promised me two
and I won't think of much more until the second one is done.
And even after that I'm sure I will think of little more.
Until we dance again.

The football players will still get "pumped up" on four or five EPI pens before a game
and I will still hate them
and the girls will still post on Instagram
and I will still hate them
and she will still laugh at my jokes
and I will still love that laugh.

This has all happened before.
To me, my grandfather, and a boy named John who lived in 1970's New York.
It's all been done before,
it's all a copy of a copy of a copy of  Jesus
but it will still never cease to amaze
(occupy)

Shock and Awe was a failure, some will tell you
and 40 percent of the Central African peoples will be infected with ***
and Jesus will never leave the cross.
And you laugh will never cease to amaze
(occupy)
She comes, and she goes but she never stays
She looks, she smiles, but she never speaks.
I look at her; she is a beauty of forever,
She brightens the way like a shining star.
She walks like a snake sweetly,softly and silently
her open hair flying in the open air
I know, does she know?
What a beauty she can make!
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