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May 2018 · 281
the verge of eighteen
MD May 2018
it was not beautiful,
the way he broke my heart.

it was not gentle,
or lovely,
or romantic.

it was a monday morning screaming battle,
it was the feeling of words jabbing into my soul.

he left without a goodbye,
I spewed hate without remorse.

it was not beautiful,
loving him.

I tore down my body for a sake of well-being
I never really established.

I left home and never came back.

he poured the gasoline,
laughed as I lit the match,
"baby, keep me warm."
May 2018 · 284
category five
MD May 2018
when our two tragedies met,
we created a storm.

it was you and me against the world,

but eventually there was nothing left to tear down
besides each other.

what's a hurricane without the wind?

I let you engulf me.
MD Apr 2018
it's much easier to appear unphased

than to admit that the walls i put up inside my being

have morphed into open windows

am i still vulnerable if it's only internal?

looking at you sparks an unsettling amount of familiarity inside me

and i know if i allow myself to fall prisoner to these urges -

if i don't refuse these emotions that keep surfacing,

i will end up creating yet another home out of a person who has no room for a permanent resident.
MD Nov 2017
If I was to be honest about the person I am

I'd walk around with a neon sign,

"I'll love you because I can't love myself. I'll love you until I find better reasons to suffer."

It's a sadomasochism complex.

It's a toxicity I've grown acquired to.
MD Nov 2017
he was the first apartment you get after moving out of your parents'.

it was your home, but not really.

it was comforting, but it wasn't familiar.

sometimes i miss the way he smelled when i had my lips pressed against his neck.

sometimes i drink until i forget the name of the cologne he wore.
Sep 2017 · 350
m.b.
MD Sep 2017
I gave you every piece of me -
Every sliver of my soul that I spent years working on,
You now own.

I thought you would take care of me
But I can see the person I used to be
Collecting dust on the shelves of your heart

And I cannot do anything but stare
And wish so badly that I could take it back,
Take all of it back.

I don't just want the broken pieces of me.
I want every stupid kiss,
Every pointless argument,
Every hour
Minute
Second
That was wasted on you.
Mar 2017 · 912
Phoenix
MD Mar 2017
your drunken lips,
my ***** tongue

remind me what it’s like to feel whole -
when there’s not a gaping void in my chest.

tell me i’m beautiful
only this time, you mean it.
Sep 2016 · 395
Ready for My Forever
MD Sep 2016
I remember the first time I truly saw her.
My eyes fixated on the curve of her lips and the gentle flow of her red hair.
I prayed to a god I was not sure existed because I needed to keep this girl around.
The green in her eyes reminded me of the time I took too many pills and saw an angel.
I'm lucky to have a piece of heaven in my arms.
Sep 2016 · 298
I Love Her
MD Sep 2016
This is the kind of feeling that is best described in stores from successful authors and movies starring famous actors.
I don't have the capacity in my vocabulary to expand my thoughts beyond the words, "I love her,"
And I mean it, I really love her.
I am looking at her in awe because freckles are something I never knew I could fall for.
I used to believe in pain as the muse for all artwork,
But I'm writing today because I've never felt more at home.
There has been a shift in my heart and I'm no longer afraid of this person I'm becoming.
I am growing into the shape of someone filled with love.
MD Aug 2016
"Does it ever stop hurting?"

No, I'm afraid not.

Broken frames of deteriorating people
Walk along the side of the road
Praying for someone to crash their car
Into the hollowness of their chest

And we breathe the same air as everyone else
Oxygen in,
Carbon dioxide out,
But we know it's different
Nothing we exhale will ever have a soft touch
On the earth

People walk,
We stomp

There's a seeking inside our souls
For something irrevocable
But people are known for their fleeting
As we are known for our sorrow

"Does it ever stop hurting?"

No,
The bleeding will never end.
May 2016 · 360
it's us, it always has been
MD May 2016
she wishes so badly to grip you in the palm of her hand

but i know that you are something much larger
than what can fit into a fist
you are something that cannot be contained into
a physical form
you are endless
you are elusive

you don't need someone
who believes only in the things they can physically see

you deserve someone as fleeting as yourself
someone ever changing
only then will you know the feeling of love
MD May 2016
i woke up today thinking about almonds

on the bus to school i heard the crunching of their shell
breaking between the teeth of a chubby little girl
and i grasped at the corners of my binder
until my palms were dripping blood

my mouth watered to the thought of muffins in algebra

the teacher called on me and the kids laughed
when i didn't respond
but i'm sure they've never heard
such a shrill silence

i cried about pasta while my family ate dinner

my mom's eyes never looked so dull
as she asked me if it was her cooking i didn't like
and i cringed as she touched my shoulder
and told me i felt cold

i went to bed thinking about my weight

i peeled back the fat of my stomach
to see if there was any part of myself left
inside this hollow shell
i called a body

i blacked out tonight

i could hear my skull smash
against the white tiles of my bathroom floor
but you can't feel anything
when you're weightless
Apr 2016 · 1.9k
Group Therapy Introductions
MD Apr 2016
Hi, my name's Anorexia

That's not my birth name
But that's what people know me as -
The skeleton walking through the hallways
Emotionless eyes and burning wrists

Hi, my name's Anorexia

The girls ask me,
"How many calories did you eat this week?"
I rattle off the numbers
They think it's a game

Hi, my name's Anorexia

My favorite hobbies include:
Fainting
Heart palpitations
Hospital trips
And weekly blood drawings

Hi, my name's Anorexia

And im dying
Mar 2016 · 479
bullshit
MD Mar 2016
i blamed you
for the large scar on my wrist
and the way i can't
hear that dumb song
without crying

i blamed you
for ruining my life
and causing me
to push everyone
away

because it was easier
blaming you for everything

and i couldn't admit to myself
that i was the one
breaking my own heart

and sometimes
i find myself awake at night
wondering if i am the reason
you believe you're a bad person

did i cause those gashes
on your thighs

i'm sorry


i still love you
MD Mar 2016
my life will never be a romance
i will never be able to fall asleep
next to you with certainty
that you'll be there in the morning
and no one can find
the light that was
once in my eyes
(i think i buried it somewhere with you)
Jan 2016 · 342
I Can't Love You/A Haiku
MD Jan 2016
I can't force myself
I don't feel a ******* thing
For anyone but you
MD Nov 2015
I laid in a hospital bed
In Grand Rapids, Michigan
Watching my demons come to life

No clocks allowed
I could've been up for days

The doctors walked in and out
But I didn't notice
How could I see anything
But the red eyes staring back at me
From across the room

I saw the devil take form
In my own body
And for awhile now
It's been dormant

But I never saw it leave
MD Sep 2015
You injected yourself into my bloodstream
And lately all I can dream of is your smile

You are in every puff of smoke I let out
You're in every single hit

I'd rather have you than any drug in the world

Last year I was rolling up dollar bills
To sniff the summer's snow

But this year
I'd prefer to be with you
Than to inhale some ****** blow
May 2015 · 278
sighs
MD May 2015
I kissed a girl with strawberry lips,
And she didn't taste bitter,
Like all the boys from the past.

I drove with a girl at night,
And I couldn't stop watching
Her eyes wander left and right.
What was she thinking?

I saw a girl with tears running down
Her face and wrists.
I kissed her until I was out of breath,
But I knew I couldn't save her.

I slept with a girl
Who had scars on her body,
And I read each one like a book.

I fell in love with a girl,
And I cried for hours
Because I tried to fix her
Instead of saving myself.

I kissed a girl with strawberry lips,
And

She didn't love me back.
May 2015 · 417
Moving On, I Guess
MD May 2015
It's been too long
And I think I'm losing touch
Of what's real

I wrote you a thousand letters
That I knew you'd never read
And I kissed each note
With your favorite lip gloss
And like that
You stayed alive inside my mind

I felt the distance between us
It was a tension
That only I could feel

I stopped writing to you
About a year ago
And lately I'm having a hard time
Remembering the curve of your lips
And like this
I'm forgetting you
Apr 2015 · 299
Beauty
MD Apr 2015
i. i've grown up to believe that beauty comes in one size; skinny.

ii. everything i've ever been taught about being beautiful comes from girls in magazines, wearing skin tight, size 0 jeans.

iii. according to these standards, i was beautiful at one point in my life.

iv. i gained a lot of weight during my recovery from anorexia. according to these standards, i am no longer pretty.

v. when the world looks down on those over 100 pounds, i feel defeated, like all my time and money spent on makeup and hair products and designer clothes means nothing.

vi. but there are days i still look in the mirror, and i see beauty in the reflection. i see hope in my once tired eyes, i see a reality to my smile.

vii. there are days i still look in the mirror and remember what i learned in that hospital in wisconsin. i remember my heart issues, i remember crying at the dinner table.

viii. i remember being dizzy, i remember being ill. i remember that being pretty is not restricted to a shape or size. i remember the day i chose to live without fear of the world.

ix. so now i'm walking down the street in my crop top, my belly flopped over the top of my shorts, i am standing tall. i am beautiful.
Mar 2015 · 312
What Is Left To Give?
MD Mar 2015
I let you have every piece of my soul

I swear if you asked

I'd let you swallow me whole
Mar 2015 · 448
To An Old Lover
MD Mar 2015
I knew one day you would leave
But I still couldn't have prepared myself
For the excruciating pain
That came from loving you

I recall nights spent in circles on my floor
With tears spilling from my eyes and wrists
I remember your face when you promised to stay
You seemed so sincere

Maybe you didn't mean for us to end that way
Maybe you thought we really would last forever
But I grew bitter
And you grew sicker
And the stitches that held us together
Began to rip from the seams

I tried to tell myself
That you would come back some day
That we would meet in a coffee shop
And know that losing touch was a mistake
But instead
I see you at parties
And through mutual friends
And I sleep in the same bed with you sometimes
But I'm not allowed to touch
Not allowed to kiss
Your body
So I sit on the edge of the bed
And listen to you breathe
You were always such a peaceful sleeper

I wish I would've known
That all the nights I spent bawling
And all the phone calls I'd make to you
Would not change the fact
That you don't love me
Anymore

So I feel like I should say sorry
For calling your mother at 3am
Just to see if she could get you to talk to me
I am sorry
For the nights I spent asking you
To come back
When I knew you didn't want to

I'm sorry
For bugging you
I'm sorry
Mar 2015 · 308
Untitled
MD Mar 2015
I thought I could get over you
But I'm burning holes into my arm
With your favorite brand of cigarettes

I sleep with that ******* shirt
That's three sizes too big for me
With a neon tiger on the front
And I should think it's stupid
I should throw it away
But sometimes it still smells like you
And I find comfort in the torture

I thought you meant what you said
But your words are empty
And your eyes can fool anyone
When you tell them you love them
Feb 2015 · 971
2012
MD Feb 2015
that was the summer my mom quit her job. she had to stay home with me because i wouldn't stop crying and dripping blood on the carpet.

that was the summer i started smoking cigarettes because tobacco tasted better than the ghost of your lips on mine.

that was the summer i didn't leave my room. i was afraid to see the world. i was mostly afraid to see you again.

that was the summer my dad tried to unload his gun in my head. he said he did it out of love. i think he was scared.

that was the summer you broke my heart. you told me i was too difficult to love. it's been years since i've last held you but i still can't seem to forget the feeling of my hands on your waist.

that was the summer i wish i spent kissing you

that was the summer i wish you didn't leave.
Feb 2015 · 881
Spring Is Coming
MD Feb 2015
I feel the world shifting
Beneath me
And I stop to feel
The wind brush against
My rose tinted cheeks
I let myself become engulfed
In the romance
That has settled in the ground
For a minute I forget where I am
Because every single bug and flower
Captivates my thoughts
I'm inhaling Spring
And I let out a sigh of relief -
Exhaling Winter
MD Feb 2015
Soon
I will be replacing the carpet in my room
Because I am tired of breaking
Each time I see
That ******* stain that you left

Soon
I'll be putting away that ping pong table
For the rest of my life
Because I can't stand to walk
Into my basement
And picture us under there
Talking
For hours

Soon
I'll throw away my wristband
From the water park we went to
In 2012
Because I cannot handle the tears
That come from sharing a bed with you

Soon
Every memory you left will be gone

And soon
I'll forget you
Jan 2015 · 3.2k
Brown Eyes // Blonde Hair
MD Jan 2015
In the summer of 2012
I loved a girl with brown eyes
And an obsession with
Everything bad for her

How could I expect her to save me
If she couldn't save herself?

In the beginning of 2015
I met a girl with blonde hair
And her only obsession
Was love

She had already saved herself
And I was healing

If I do end up
Loving this blonde haired girl
I swear it will be different

I will not attach my feelings
To each word she speaks to me
I will love in full

She doesn't smoke
She doesn't drink
But we get high off
Each other's laughter
And we get drunk on
Each other's words

If I do end up
Loving this blonde haired girl
I swear our love will be raw

To the girl with brown eyes;
I needed alcohol to love you

To the girl with blonde hair
And eyes wide like the ocean;
I will love you
Unconditionally
MD Jan 2015
i. We set up a tent in your backyard and spent the night with the bugs. You told me you would love me forever. It’s been three years and you can’t even look at me. It should hurt to look at you, but it doesn’t, it brings back that night in your tent. The look of your face with that little flashlight swinging back and forth was enough to know I loved you.
ii. The first time we hung out together, when we were officially a couple, you sent me a text when you were walking beside me. It asked if you could hold my hand. I wish I would’ve read that text before we finished our walk. I’d give anything to get that text again.

iii. Do you remember the few days we spent at my grandmother’s house? Do you remember making promises to me in the middle of the night? You were so drunk, but I thought being drunk made you more honest. I guess I was wrong.

iv. You started doing drugs after we broke up. I started doing drugs too. I think you take them to have fun, I take them to forget your face for an hour or two. I don’t know if you even remember the shape of my face.

v. Do you remember the night when you wanted to **** yourself? It was midnight and I still came over to make sure you were okay. I spent the night holding you. I would still do that again, but you found other people to take my place.

vi. My mom warned me about boys who smoke and sag their pants, but never about a girl with brown eyes and a withering soul.

vii. You never want to talk to me anymore. I shouldn’t want to talk to you either, you put me through hell, I’m still trying to put out the flames. I cry sometimes because when I talk about you to my friends, I say each word with love. When you talk to your friends about me, each word spews hate out of your mouth.

viii. I’m trying to forget about you, but you gave me so much to remember. I’m sorry I can’t find a way to forget about you. I know you wish I’d leave, maybe someday I will.
Dec 2014 · 440
Give Yourself Time
MD Dec 2014
I've always wanted to write a book
And fill the pages with my deepest secrets
Then spread it across the world
So I will no longer feel the weight of my past

I've always wanted to write a book
So I told myself to write every day
Even when I sat for hours
Forcing these worthless words out of my fingertips

I've always wanted to write a book
But I am not an author
If writing one ******* poem
Is so difficult to accomplish

I've always wanted to write a book
So I'll give myself time
And let my experiences jump
From my mind
To my hands
To the paper
Instead of forcing out these
ineffective rhymes

I've always wanted to write a book
So I will
Dec 2014 · 354
I'm Very Afraid
MD Dec 2014
You were unraveling
The world had spun off its axis
And you felt yourself
Spiraling out of control

It's been almost 1,000 days
Since she left
And you still can't forget
Her fragile hands
Shaking with fear and guilt

You didn't mean to cause this mess
You simply didn't want
To be left
Alone

So now you're crying to the stars
Asking them to take you away
And you're screaming at the moon
Begging for forgiveness

Every bright day
Turns to a dark night
And the way she
Trembled next to you
Makes you wish
You never changed
Dec 2014 · 367
Christmas List
MD Dec 2014
It is Wednesday night
There is a sheet of snow
Covering the shivering streets
And I'm sitting in bed
And I'm wondering how
The strongest of promises
Can be made broken
By a simple misunderstanding

It is Wednesday night
This time
Last Year
I was scribbling your name
On a piece of wrinkled paper
Titled "Christmas List"

And you were
Howling at the sky about
How hard it is to cope
With the fact that
You were strong
But the weight of the world
Was stronger
Dec 2014 · 921
Thank You
MD Dec 2014
I knew they didn't
Care about me
They only used me
For my body
But when it's late at night
And I'm drunk
With some guy on top of me
It felt like love

I gave myself to
Anyone
Who asked
I didn't love myself
I didn't really care

And I thought I
Was gone
I thought I
Was totally used up

But you walked
Into my life
And I didn't need
One night stands
With greasy 20 year old guys
And I didn't need
To fill my veins with drugs
To keep myself from
Remembering

You walked into my life
And you stayed
Dec 2014 · 338
I Hate You
MD Dec 2014
Perhaps I wouldn't have been
So sad
If you didn't
Mark your territory
On my body
With gentle rose-scented kisses
If you didn't
Leave a trail of pixie dust
Every time you slept with someone
If you didn't
See so many stars
Perhaps I wouldn't have been so sad
If you didn't leave
Dec 2014 · 438
8th Grade Suicide Note
MD Dec 2014
I'm so sorry
I didn't have
Another choice
Don't feel bad
It wasn't your fault
It was mine
I have no one to blame
For my actions
Besides myself

I know I was loved
It wasn't enough

I needed more help than I got
I couldn't fail 8th grade
Mom
You knew my life was
Coming to an end

I had no choice
I was alone
So alone

Every day got worse
And worse
I'm not a fighter
I was wasted money
And added stress
I was a burden

You'll thank me some day
Dec 2014 · 352
You Won't Love Me
MD Dec 2014
You won't love me anymore

When we fight one night
And I'm slamming doors
I'll wake up the next morning
And pretend nothing happened
And you won't love me anymore

I seldom apologize
When I know I'm at fault
I always apologize
For being myself
And you won't love me anymore

I'm afraid of being alone
And I know that there will
Come a time that
You'll want to be alone
And you won't love me anymore
Dec 2014 · 533
I Don't Need Your Pity
MD Dec 2014
It has been 919 days
Since you left

And I still cry when
You don't text back

It has been two years
Six months
And six days
Since I lost my muse

And it has been 6 days
Since I started writing
About someone new
Dec 2014 · 335
Untitled
MD Dec 2014
I was engulfed in the stars
As you pulled me onto your lap
My body was on the earth
But my head was in outer space
I laughed as we fumbled
Inside your car
Nights like these never get old
You kissed me and
I felt myself falling
From the realm of darkness
I was enclosed in

You kissed me and
I spent the rest of the night
Crying
Because finally someone cared

You kissed me and
I got a full night of sleep
For the first time in years

You kissed me
And I
Was among the clouds
MD Nov 2014
You told me you'd much rather wither
Than spend another day of wasted time
I shifted my glance to the other direction
I felt a chill send signals down my spine
You left without a warning
I gave you whatever was left of me
And you said I didn't try
Nov 2014 · 317
"Isn't This Getting Old?"
MD Nov 2014
Basements full of smoke,
Children growing old.
A candle burning through the night,
A little girl's soul, sold.

I'm aching in every part of my body
The day after it happened.
I'm trying to stay clear of him
But our paths keep overlapping.

I'm an addict,
And I don't really mind.
As long as I have my drugs,
And our bodies intertwined.

No, I don't love him.
I don't feel a thing.
He's fills my void
My numbness starts to sting.
MD Nov 2014
I'm worried I'll end up as I began
Needles in my arm
And a tall strange man

April 2012
The needles were inserted
Into my bruising arms
I was dehydrated
I was hungry
They pumped me full of sugars
The doctor was a man
Well over 40
He told me I didn't try hard enough

November 2014
Needles were pushed through my vulnerable skin
My veins were pumped full of drugs
I don't even know what I'm on
I don't even care
There's a man's face somewhere in the blur
He's tall and has tattoos
I feel his tongue in my mouth
And his hands reaching for under my skirt
I don't care
I don't have to try anymore
MD Oct 2014
A girl about seven
Sits still - full of doom
It's 2 in the morning
And she's scared to leave her room

A ghostly girl with bad intentions
A skeleton made of gold
She filled the air with a cold infection
And let the people mold

They didn't believe her when she was small
So maybe now they'll listen
A ghost haunting the walls
Of a place she once called home
MD Oct 2014
I screamed and called out
But no one seemed to hear
I was a child
Filled with fear

12 years old
There was a gun to my head
Where was my mom?
Do you think she'd believe me when I told her
The terrible thing Daddy did?

It's been many years
And I still live with him, my father
I want to scream and make him leave
But I don't even bother
It was so much pain I had suppressed
Why tear out the stitches?
I tell him that I love him
And I think I really mean it
He said what he did was out of love and fear
But it didn't seem to me
Like he was scared to shoot his daughter
Oct 2014 · 308
Names
MD Oct 2014
When you used to say my name
It was always with love
With a smile
You were so glad to know me

Now we are steps away
From falling off the face of the earth
And I desperately want to call your name
But I don't know what it means to me anymore

Now when you say my name
You spew hate into the once so lovely word
I still call for you sometimes
But you're too far away
To notice
Oct 2014 · 325
Wounds and Cover Ups
MD Oct 2014
Cover up your words
With a sugar-coated laugh
She looks like such a friend
But the evil from within
Will soon domesticate her being

Mother helps you practice your lines
The night before the fire
She tells you when to smile
When to laugh and when to cry
I tell her I'm tired
She puts a bandage on my wound
Says it will be good until tomorrow afternoon

Keep my feelings set aside
They wouldn't even care
I feel myself falling
I'm escaping this nightmare
Oct 2014 · 286
What Am I Doing?
MD Oct 2014
I can't seem to get high enough
To forget the rotting world
You leaned in to kiss me
And I blew smoke in your face
You never even knew me
You never even tried
Oct 2014 · 404
There's Got To Be More
MD Oct 2014
Take another drag
As you pull my hair
I wonder if this is everything
Life has to offer

Pour another drink
With your hand up my skirt
Is this really who I am?

There are glasses of wine
Spilled on the carpet
And I think this couple
****** on my bed
I want everyone out
But I'll miss the company

There are carvings on my wall
And words etched into my mind
Light another cigarette
As you pull me from behind

Everyone's disappointed in me
I swear I thought I was free
There's really nothing left here
I want to leave
MD Sep 2014
A white glass plate
A small white lie
All spilled out before me
I tried to piece them
Back together
But I cut my tongue
On the shards of broken promises
Like a bible page
I was torn so easily

A destructed book
Words were ripping at the seams

I threw you in the fire
And I burnt down my home
Because your sentences mean nothing
If you never show your face
Sep 2014 · 300
27 Months
MD Sep 2014
You spoke to me in miracles
One after the other
I'd always been so sure
Of who I am and what I do
But you walked into my life
Made a mess
And left

You engraved your name
Into my tongue
So now I spew out words of hate
And drown myself in fear
I tripped into your arms
And you spit venom into my bloodstream

And I still flinch
And I still quiver

It's been 27 months
And I still don't know what to do

It's been 27 months
And I still bawl at the thought of you
Sep 2014 · 292
I Don't Want To Remember
MD Sep 2014
I don't want to remember you
Or the way you tore me apart
Limb from limb
I don't want to remember that house
That we slept in so peacefully
You had me believing I would sleep in that bed
Forever

I don't want to remember your hands
Or how they felt
When my fingers danced along your palm
I don't want to remember your heartbeat
Drumming along to mine
As we laid there
With our legs intertwined

I don't want to remember
Stop making me remember

Another summer without you
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