i
lost
              a
       poem

today i switched my contact lenses.
the world became a couple of noises,
blurry lights and never fading shapes.
honestly, the world looks prettier
when you have to peel back the layers.
when you know just how ugly it already is
you really have to strain to witness
anything new

i'm done with reaching
and never achieving,
of meeting half way
for you just to belittle me.
don't patronize me,
have you even seen
how much I've grown?

sleepless nights and
she's sobbing,
she's missing,
   she's coming back
and i'm staring.
i'm waiting
for you or something
   that seems to be happening
   tomorrow
(is bringing
   the sun,
'cause it's rising
   the birds
'cause they're chirping
and you're whispering
   that you've missed me
this evening).

spit out your clichés at me
and call me heartless,
devour my pessimism without an ounce of the regret that's engraved on my very bones,
chew on the crippling loneliness
that haunts my thoughts and dreams
and ***** out your stanzas of
"roses are red and violets are..."
yellow.
'cause they've never seen the sun,
they're paper thin and falling apart
so i'm focused on ignoring people telling me to look for "the one".

the blue skies won't fool me
the green grass can't use me
the far away mountains won't help me
and the cold river isn't freezing.

on a positive note,
women's thundering feet could cover and swallow me whole
and we'd be grateful for being trampled
by such an empowering force
I'd die happily *******
if I was only capable of knowing
that my passing would ensure the lives of all my amazing sisters-in-soul (god bless women)
the resilience is striking, our boots will stomp you out,
get ready because we're coming,
men, you better jump boat now.

when have the weights on my shoulders
changed appearance, to humanoid forms
and why am i not able to pry them off
if they're only sinking me down
to spin me around

i am left astounded
in your unexplained absence.
in the holes in my face
left by your own eyes when they fade.
no more opening up to people
and no more giving everything away,
no more knocking down walls for
those who wouldn't even open a door anyway.

today i am angry
drawing strengh from courageous role models that I've never resembled

not
      one
              bit

even in my anger i am able to look around
and see other people's second eyes
staring
right back at me with the same fiery hate

i am
astounded
as to how we can all be so unhappy
and not be able to find the solution
as to why we secretly
hate
(each other)

she wonders if she's worthy
to cross their poignant minds
an ice temple is burning
the trees are all yearning
for her savoury touch

solitude is like having a hole in your boat
no matter how much you repair it
the imprint of that stupid hole will be forever burnt onto your retinas;
forever stuck between giving up and chucking buckets of water over my shoulder,
i am
        meaningless.

rumpelstilskin
has nothing on me

whilst he may be able to spin straw into gold,
i've been able to spin a web of deception
that has wrecked countless innocent souls

it's crazy how someone can be
slowly recovering
but also
hurtling
               towards
                              the end.

the issue is: i must live to write.
it's imperative, imagination only does so much;
so now i'm here, where no one lives.
i am stuck
in this place no one gets to die
of their own exclusive free will.
i struggle and feel worthless
'cause i must live to write
but i must write to live, at least one last time