i'm not interested

in living anymore

i don't want to die
living just doesn’t hold much interest for me

i don't feel good

i don't feel happy
only tired

tired tired
 always tired
i live in a perpetual nothingness

i can never find words
they lodge in the back of my throat and spiral out flat

may as well cut my vocal chords out
and replace them with yarn
maybe i’ll be able to string sentences together then

i’m buried in layers of ink and skin
they allow me to close my eyes and fall away
into my own personal oblivion

where it's dark and jazzy elevator music plays in the background
and there’s no sharp pings under numb detachment

there's a different breed of darkness to my oblivion
it's soft and shadowy
rippling over all my anxieties like a velvet tide
light shines in dusty shafts from no set direction
it doesn't illuminate anything
it’s nicer that way

i forgot what happiness feels like
not this halfway happiness that’s induced by comfort food and fuzzy blankets
but real happiness
that comes from deep inside of your being and spirals and glows

this is just a long complaint

hem hem

observation
about me

my life

is it really mine?

i feel so detached from it

i spend more time in dreams than i do in it
sweeping castles of words and swing sets that swing themselves


can i just leave?
fade away
into my oblivion
the one with the jazz music and the infinite velvet walls
i've come pretty close
may as well go all the way

i'm an inadequate mess of negativity
i can't function quite right anymore
unfunny angry pathetic boring
i'm me
and i don't hate me
hate is a strong word
i'm just tired
a slowly graying towel
long used and recently wrung-out
hung up to dry
dripping mediocracy onto a standard tile floor

ha

i'll show myself out

the light streaks
on my window
bamboo leaves brush
like manicured fingers
across its glass face
i feel so still
even in the midst of the
morning rush
that my senses pick up
but do not assimilate
simply looking at each new sensation
with some careless curiosity
then putting it away
as nothing

- Vijayalakshmi Harish
   21.06.2013
  Copyright © Vijayalakshmi Harish

They surround me in the dim streetlights,
Watching my every move,
Turning corners and disappearing into night,
As I make bad decisions again,
It's as if they are ashamed,
My judgments are my own,
And they know it,
They flee from me,
Walking into darkness and shadow,
Turning away and disappearing,
Heads hung in shame,
Saddened cries and tears not known to me,
As angels walk toward home,
And telling God,
'Not today'
Angels walk away from me.

There came upon this mornings sunrise,
An unexpected smile,
Someone so distant,
Yet so near,
I could hardly open my eyes,
In dreams and dreams and dreams,
I had prayed a million times,
Best wishes and my sympathy,
For you my little child,
Remove this blackness from your heart,
And sit in stillness for awhile,
Remember the voice inside your head,
And smile.



Long ago I lost her,
Today she seems she's found,
A simple kind of life,
Unbound.

Standing, surrendering.
        The weather tethers at my veins.
     Pushing.   Pulling.
             My emotions run high with the hopes of a new sunrise.

     Guide me,
          show me,
                 lead me to the holy water you sip like its never ending.
     Show me the truth behind every iris that passes my curious glance.
          Breathe in this cold sterile air while we dream of something tangible...

     Strange winds come on strong in the heart of the mislead, the outskirts.
                We thrive on the untouched surfaces of the mind..
           We breathe in the discomfort...

     Seeking direction in the wake of misdirected affection.
                                                     Faulting to the backbone of habits.

     Falling faster, I pause in the balance catching my breathe.
                                         I inhale everything surrounding my mind.
                         Exhaling all my simple poisons.
     A detox of wandering souls and singular holes.
     Eating.    Feeding.    Breeding.
             Filling all this space for all those after me.

     Fill me.
        Fulfill me.
     Accept the darkest crevasses of this mind.
                                                  I still turn a silent shy cheek...

     Drifting aimlessly into the empty serenity you present so pleasantly.
              Once again I slide further from comfort and balance...
                     Feeding off any sense of insecurity.
                            Craving that whole duality of my circumstance...

           I keep treading the muddy waters I choose.
     My body gets trapped in the
                                     sticky egos and messing misunderstandings,
                                                                                         in which everyone laughs away.

     I'll schlep the dirt from my soul and shine light once more.
            Exhausted and tried.

                                      Ill shine...

     It's lost in my own lost hope of withering dreams and lost star seeds.
            It falls away in every cold shake I make within whiskey's withdrawal.
                 It fades away in the simple staggers I make and unfulfilled chances I take.

     But, not all is lost.

     I still keep this little light of mine.
     I still let this light shine.

     I'm just a little more aware of the spaces it awakens and the souls it helps take in.
  
          It's ever shifting in this cosmic wake, it hides, it shies, it cries.
                    Like me, it knows when to pipe the **** down and listen to the world.
        Listen to everything it allows.

     It hears souls like you.
                                 It feeds me.

I cannot remember, only I can feel the empty chill of steel
sometimes, colored ghosts of autumn whisper in the shadows
that I follow, to take me far from home

Today with sun or clouds and all the bluest skies
a truth revealed, and I awakened to a madness of lakes and rivers,
spilling over - to flood, a place
within

So swift the night will come, soon to leave this home
darkness winds a long road on
and still the sun will come

Thank you for the invitation,
But I'm afraid I must decline,
I know you've gone to such great lengths,
Mixing heaven and Earth and time.
Somehow from my perspective,
The reason doesn't match the rhyme.
I've been given every chance,
To win the fantastic prize,
But something in my depleted soul,
Believes nothing from these eyes.
I wish to thank you all,
For the trouble you've been through,
But when all is said and done,
Nothing I see is true.