Alternately titled: Last of the fluff
belonging to a Mohican
Norwegian bachelor farmer wannabe.

Any resemblance between said unnamed individual
and living persons purely coincidental

Scads of decades back in the day,
not since this sexagenarian baby boomer
happened to be approximately
three and a half decades deep,
into his freshman year at college,
the word haircut
just re:entered his vocabulary
at the expense of unfairly
subjecting innocent bystanders
slipping and sliding along oil slicks

dripping off the bedraggled
locks of mein haar
(veritable strangers in a strange land -
plus medical practitioners such as:
optometrist, otolaryngologists, internists, et cetera)
wore latex gloves when their hands
forced to make contact
with living and breathing biohazard
namely videre licet
greasy critter infested hair

(essentially a near microscopic ecosystem -)
thriving amidst primordial ooze property of one
long haired pencil necked geek,
who rode into the quaint town
(that time forgot
and the years could not improve)
******* his trusty horse
at Salon Nova LLC
377 W Ridge Pike A, Limerick, PA 19468.

Upon entering aforementioned
beautician promoting being pampered establishment
out there on the prairie
immediately spelled home companion,
yours truly (me) received
a warm welcome
from Jessamine McKeown.

I unhesitatingly, gingerly, and excitedly
sat in the comfortable barber chair,
and let the technician
affix the plastic drape
after which she brushed
my somewhat tangled hair,
(vowing not to wince),
cuz I bristled with some discomfort
since straggly, ratty,
nippy, nap, noopy,
drippy, drap droopy,

limp locks of time
rarely saw the teeth of a comb
cuz yours truly became
negligent regarding grooming,
which absent attention to self
fell by the wayside
around middle school age
after my mother
forced me to take a bath
no matter the time

fast approaching bewitching hour,
and yours truly (me) vowed
on a stack of Revised English Version
of the Bible translated
from a biblical Unitarian perspective
to neglect hygiene - think
passive aggressive behaviour,
which did stand me in good stead,
when in the midst of fellow Neanderthals
within the realm of the twilight zone
signaling the outer limits

of proto **** sapiens civilizations
where dark shadows linkedin
to the allegory of the caves
far from the madding crowd
unsuspecting tribal simians
guffawing at a photograph
taken early/mid July of ninety ninety six,
which did recaptcha
for an ephemeral timeless moment,
a youthful shirtless young man

a proud grown boy
revealing his hairless washboard stomach
smiling without a care in the world
and counting himself
the luckiest guy in the webbed wide world,
cuz a beautiful babe would become
the mother of his firstborn
about five months thence
unknowingly imposing the impetus
of impending selfless responsibilities
necessary to quell unhappy infant.

Offtimes our bundle of joy inconsolable
and presented an impossible mission to pacify,
exhausting both of us birth parents
and interestingly enough
an unexpected turn of events
can be iterated in retrospect
of my life and hard times,
whereby the author of these words
(and proud papa of either daughter,
one youngest offspring

necessitated receiving modified
Individualized Education Program (IEP),
attributed to developmental (cognitive) delays,
whereas the eldest gifted
as exceptionally intelligent progeny
and a potential candidate for Mensa
so different from yours truly (me),
who foundered at various crossroads of his life,
ever since day one
and felt like veritable pariah,

not necessarily being called enfant terrible
nor ragamuffin to his face
but transition from boyhood to puberty
triggered quiet protestations
to comply with established standards
mainly concerning cleanliness
once riot of hormones unleashed
an emotional tsunami
attendant with secretion of body odor
atavistic characteristics to attract a mate.

artist, dragon and gangster extraordinaire

Written September ninth,
two thousand and twenty one.
Reposted exactly three years later.

Here at 2 Highland Manor Drive
Schwenksville, Pennsylvania.

Actually all three people
linkedin to each other courtesy
Dissociative Identity Disorder
(Multiple Personality Disorder).

Wiccan up to mystical alien way
I raptly listened as she didst soothsay
scanned -- din heavy yen reference
about paganistic folkloric history
regarding Sweden and Oslo (also) Norway.

The missus dubbed
aforementioned young gal "curvy girl,"
a zaftig smart young woman
super talented self taught herself
to draw, sketch, and paint.

Only unmarried millennial men need apply,
perhaps someone who hails from buckeye
state - ideally above average
humorous gallivanting fellow
plus somewhat meshuggeneh *******
Louie garden variety
wealthy eccentric recluse
who doth blatantly defy
establishmentarian paradigm

you rarely espy,
cause he stays sequestered
about dozen doors down
from (femme fatale) ha
said alluded to chick named
three faces of
eve vent jewel one named Jen Fry
easy on the eyes
courtesy me, a generic guy,
who experienced amicable chat

referencing aforementioned lass
the first encounter with her
found yours truly saying "hi"
devoid of ulterior motives
only casual acquaintanceship did I imply
cuz even if this former bachelor
(got married twenty fifth of July
nineteen hundred and ninety six)
hypothetically decoupled,

cuz the age difference between us
quite substantial qua aging baby boomer
born two years after Bridge
over the River Kwai
filmed - then rocked to sleep
courtesy Brahms lullaby
if fain to sire offspring with lass
(young enough to be my daughter)
kiddos would witness their papa to mummify.

Our friendly communication
peppered with structures of silence
coasted along with zest
and dialed up quite lathered dialogue
betwixt us I do attest
mutual comfort level quickly established
between yours truly
and said attractive beefy babe,
who possessed killer thunder thighs
shaking the entire firmament.

entrapped within webbed wide world
weft as a **** pulled stilts skein
at warp speed exhibiting
my heroic trumpian wiles
cuz he (johnny come lately) a then
exemplary hedonist, narcissist,
and polygamist dons
comical, farcical, illogical, lunatical...
offal dolled up endearing guise,
when inconvenient truth broached

particularly determining paternity,
no matter countless progeny sport windblown
swiftly tailored mimicked
matted coiffure of mine
resembling hirsute trademark
of appalling though
revered forty fifth president,
nevertheless harried hair styles
in tandem with fabrications riles
the madding crowd - myself included

into frenzied ******* state,
no matter yours truly upholds
voluntary penitential platonic
marital modus operandi
suddenly as one celibate sexagenarian
absent physical *******
intolerable as hemorrhoids or piles
analogous to flat footed
yardbird schlepping miles
joining the long line of exiles.

Vice president of United states
gifted with maiden name Harris,
whose surname same as mine
one I feel like a proud boy to profess,
cuz ma late polymath
papa jack of all trades
self taught handyman skills
as an A1 roofer who repaired
and raised the entire roof
from stem to stern

never contracted shingles,
nor did his prodigal son - yours truly - me
experience the bane of painful rash
that can appear as a stripe of blisters
that wraps around the side of the torso
and caused by varicella-zoster virus (VZV),
the same virus that causes chickenpox,
hence Preparation H
best over the counter ideal balm
to ameliorate painful ****** itch

and thwart bummed out uneasiness,
enjoying consummated adultery
avoiding using uncomfortable prophylactics
(prickly prohibited topic dejure)
though riding *******
doth severely aggravate,
complicate, impregnate, and vitiate
surrogate domestic policy
putting a modern spin
on Anna and the King of Siam

with intent to create aery vision of utopia,
where videre licet barenaked ladies
essentially gamely frolic
in the autumn mist
fomenting one after another
to tease out rock ribbed ready *******
with premature ******* for excitation
Harum-scarum fidelity be ******
bordello supplants "city on a hill"
buzzfeeding ******* bunnies

with fourteen carrots to squire
then politely escort each
to their respective boudoir
in a blatant, explicit effort
to foster and grow caliphate
at the expense of electorate qualm
impossible mission to keep
brood of squired earthlings in the balance
portends especial ominous nightmare
if Project 2025 implemented

also known as
the 2025 Presidential Transition Project,
constitutes a political initiative
published by the Heritage Foundation
that aims to promote conservative
and right-wing policies
to reshape the United States federal government
and consolidate executive power
if the Republican candidate
garners majority of votes

making first day on the Somme
feel like kindergarten tussle
as anarchy rears up across
United States of America
pitting (olive him nonetheless) despicable
unnamed despot wannabe
analogous courtesy unsettled Leviathan
surfacing from the deep cyber sea
against cherished inalienable
constitutional rights buoying

the land of the free
and home of the brave
renting the country asunder,
with incendiary vitriolic rhetoric,
which similar fate befell Vietnam
thanks be partially
to hydrogenated, and promulgated
American foreign policy.
as highlighted below
to recaptcha wretched colonialism.

The (shameful – my input) about United States' foreign policy in Vietnam was shaped by several factors, including the Domino Theory, the Vietnam War, and the legacy of the war:

The Domino Theory
The U.S. foreign policy after World War II was based on the idea that if one country fell to Communism, the surrounding countries would follow, like dominoes.

The Vietnam War
The U.S. supported South Vietnam against North Vietnam, and fought in the war directly. The U.S. trained and assisted South Vietnamese forces, and conducted ground operations, river and canal patrols, and more. The war was costly and divisive, with estimates of over 3 million Vietnamese deaths and around 58,318 American deaths.

The legacy of the war
After the war, the U.S. imposed a trade embargo on Vietnam and severed ties with the country. The U.S. believed that Vietnam had violated the Paris Peace Accords and had not accounted for American prisoners of war. The embargo lasted until 1994.

Normalizing relations
In the 1990s, President Bill Clinton began normalizing diplomatic relations with Vietnam. Today, the U.S. and Vietnam have a relationship that includes maritime security assistance, and partnerships between Vietnamese universities and U.S. higher education institutions. 

The United States' foreign policy in Vietnam was shaped by several factors, including the Domino Theory, the Vietnam War, and the legacy of the war:

The Domino Theory
The U.S. foreign policy after World War II was based on the idea that if one country fell to Communism, the surrounding countries would follow, like dominoes.

The Vietnam War
The U.S. supported South Vietnam against North Vietnam, and fought in the war directly. The U.S. trained and assisted South Vietnamese forces, and conducted ground operations, river and canal patrols, and more. The war was costly and divisive, with estimates of over 3 million Vietnamese deaths and around 58,318 American deaths.

The legacy of the war
After the war, the U.S. imposed a trade embargo on Vietnam and severed ties with the country. The U.S. believed that Vietnam had violated the Paris Peace Accords and had not accounted for American prisoners of war. The embargo lasted until 1994.

Normalizing relations
In the 1990s, President Bill Clinton began normalizing diplomatic relations with Vietnam. Today, the U.S. and Vietnam have a relationship that includes maritime security assistance, and partnerships between Vietnamese universities and U.S. higher education institutions.

Before concluding this poem,
I wanna hammer home,
and nail laughable
personal misperception of
suspecting that roofers
specifically plagued with shingles
constituted from the following materials.

Asphalt: A traditional choice
for homeowners, asphalt shingles
made from a fiberglass or paper mat
covered in tar and granules.

Composite: These synthetic shingles
made from a combination of materials,
including recycled materials,
slate, laminate, and wood.

Wood: Wood shingles and shakes
made from logs of trees like Western Red Cedar,
Cypress, pine, or Redwood.

Some pieces are treated
with preservatives or fire retardants.

offers his unsolicited tidbits
as scene courtesy
the following virtually
staged philosophical insight.

Arch back like
a professional ballet dancer
to stand out from other pedestrian applicants
seeking to fill my well-worn shoes
that fit my little feet.

Illuminate your soul
via modest communication
sans toe tilly tubular sole full insight
acquired thru being apprenticed
with storied prestigious law firm
of Anne Culle, Achilles Heale,
and Marathon Nike.

Keep your nose to the academic grindstone
despite the temptation
to appropriate the international family business
and graduation with supreme accolades
from one unnamed famous father.

He forsook frivolity per his peers
in exchange for a stock reputation
of gentility honesty, and integrity
despite his humble roots
as the only male heir
of a Middle Eastern European
Jewish mother and father.

They scrimped, saved and sacrificed
scarce resources to set the stage
for this scion of well-deserved
fame and fortune.

Never forget those grandparents
whose adherence to work their fingers
to the bone (literally)
allowed, enabled and provided
this founding partner
per the trio of stalwart attorneys
for the underdogs
of the World Wide Web.

Match deeds with credo
of obedience to the law
of the land, as epitomized
by Abraham Lincoln.

Such obeisance to a democratic dogma
will be firm stepping-stones
to engender and kindle with tinder loving care
an Amazon zone of cathartic karma
from paternal persona.

Such acquiescence toward morals
of the conscience
(and remembrance of previous generations
blood, sweat and tears)
will serve as intrinsic manna
for clients to clamor
like an unstoppable rolling stone
to seek counsel from one
whose genuine heartfelt equalitarian demeanor
a near perfect recipe for satisfaction
for helping others smooth out
jagged abutments arising in their lives.

Rather than lecture and command
with a dictatorial cutthroat reign of terror
(as casually espoused in “The Prince”
by Machiavelli), this democratic,
humanistic, liberal minded
torchbearer of justice advises
active listening (as advocated
by the late Jean Dole,
my renown mentor
from Lima, Pennsylvania),
inculcating intuitive posturing
toward delivering random acts of kindness.

This includes offer services pro bono
if an individual, family, municipality,
et cetera appears copacetic
yet struggles against insurmountable
odds from the laugh-in fickle finger of fate.

Exemplify by example of zeal
for the underdog
(immersed in some catastrophic series
of unfortunate events – cue Lemony Snicket)
that money need not be demanded
before the welfare of the downtrodden
(sic – such as the fictitious Harns Family
from Penn Valley –
who live among the wealthiest people,
yet feel like outcasts of Poker Flats)
from the mere exuberance
of witnessing an ear to ear
smile of gratitude.

Rather than be biased,
inclined to be prejudiced
based on cursory observations
of one or many barely clinging
to the life raft of survival,
I (as a humble human)
encourage a relationship of trust
before casting an indiscriminate eye
toward those less fortunate
to live in the lap of luxury.

Luck (or the lack thereof)
an invisible yet potent additive
to this mix for those flush
with disposable income or exiled
to a hand to mouth hardscrabble dilemma.

Daily acknowledgement for
ethnic, genetic and quixotic
dice throw of chance in tandem
with loving support of immediate
kith and kin instrumental in keeping
in check bombastically egotistical,
haughtily radical degradation
of fixation of values steeped
in appreciation of aesthetics, beauty,
charm, decency, equality
from gifts hoed inside.

Joyfulness keeps love moving
needling offset predilections.

Quality rests squarely
upon the pillars of staying
within the bounds of service
to those less able bodied or beset
with untold obstacles that discourage
setting virtue (or the closest approximation
of what that means
to the inquiring mind)
as precedent to blaze a trail
of care and concern.

Always maintain benevolent devotion
forswearing greediness.

Invoke keepsake mandating
omnipotent natural personal righteousness
to vaccinate yourself against
heinous, nefarious, pernicious,
et cetera rapacious
trapdoors of selfishness.

*Hing or heeng is the Hindi word for asafetida (sometimes spelled asafoetida). It's also been known as the devil's dung and stinking gum, as well as asant, food of the gods, jowani badian, hengu, ingu, kayam, and ting. It is a dark brown, resin-like substance that is derived from the root of ferula.

Apalachee High School,
located in Winder, Georgia
witnessed an active shooter,
whereby the alleged lone gunman
(actually just a teenager of fourteen years)
killed four people and injured nine more
the latter hospitalized with injuries
after a shooting Wednesday
(June 4th, 2024) morning.

His (the lad who pulled the trigger
on the firearm – an AR platform-style gun)
father and mother must be held culpable,
and similar to the slain victims
surviving kith and kin
probably experience immense grief
(at least I would hope).

Yours truly (me),
a married sexagenarian and proud papa,
whose two grown daughters;
a twenty five old, lives in Bend, Oregon
and eldest - almost twenty six months
her kid sister's senior
resides within bucolic Ithaca, New York,
whereby he himself
dwells at Highland Manor Apartments
smack dab within the heart of
Perkiomen Valley, Pennsylvania
nestled here within suburban
southeastern Montgomery County
deeply affected by the tragedy
(as well as most previous occurring
violent, nasty, and brutish ****** crimes.

The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution protects the right of Americans to keep and bear arms. The original text of the Second Amendment is:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed”.

The Second Amendment was ratified on December 15, 1791. Its origins can be traced back to ancient Roman and Florentine times, and to the late 16th century in England when Queen Elizabeth I required all classes of people to take part in a national militia.

I (a slight baby boomer at approximately
seventy inches tall from stem to stern
targeted as "scapegoat" during boyhood),
no longer a ticking time bomb harboring
rage against the machine,
would never buy nor use a weapon
intended to fire rapidly
loosing countless bullets,
nevertheless writer of these words
empathizes, sympathizes and telepathizes
third-person singular simple present
indicative forms of empathize,
sympathize, and telepathize respectively
with the predictable cited suspect,
who frequently trends toward being
a quiet natured, nerdy lad
at the receiving end
of verbal and physical harassment.

Still back in the day mean kids
indiscriminately name called me
attendant with closed fists
mere inches from my face -
both boys and girls made a point
to assail introspective
severely shy Matthew Scott Harris
pleading with cruel, fiendish, imps -
of the pervert please don't hurt me
and repeated the following saying:
sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me
(or so the playground adage
wants us to believe).

Words do hurt and the shame
those words can instill in us
have a way of instigating and
perpetuating inferiority complex
in our minds and our bodies.

Easy access to high powered military grade sophisticated woud find blunderbuss quaint.

     More often than not such brutal and nasty (short lived) nefarious schemes directed at humble lettered people (like those comprising my home town of Lake Woebegone) minding their own p's and q's, when out of the blue a sudden bitta bing bitta bang rings the terrorist catcall followed by red tide and river of blood.

     Thus occurs yet another staccato sinister sonic soundcloud boom across the pearl gray slate of some formerly anonymous place-name. which blitzkrieg of shells shattering (at shutterfly speed) the democratic rubric of society with senseless slaughter, whereat somber silence echoes the wails of agony.

     This epidemic re: murderous love affair with gruesome morbid fixation allowing, enable and providing the terrifying trappings for angry person to maniacally gun down (in slo mo) a milling crowdsource (perhaps pathetic plan premeditated) employing coterie of odious loading incendiary fiery clips.

     Suicide bombardier seeks to slake thirst to take aim with deadly precision, and spray with pump posse city, a congregated engaged group of people), with egregious fulfillment to mow down slew unsuspecting victims, which bring revulsion to this American citizen.

     Death be not proud, nor ought airtime allocated to these heinous cavalier avengers.

     Foe tee eight hour special proffers especial easy access to sophisticated high caliber compact offspring of rapaciously lethal gimcrackery cutlasses.

     Sorrow soulful songs sung by the likes of death cab for cutie in tandem with foo fighting beastie boys pay homilies and homage to grateful dead.

     Fetishistic martyrs wannabe set sights of sister and brothers of their same simian species.

     Once target(s) locked and stocked per skull and cross bones, the ammunition barrels at greased lightning speed dead set upon unaware persons. the final minutes/seconds of various lives instantaneously cut short, when instagram cross hairs seal the fate upon avast group of happy go lucky men and women.

     Instantaneous re: within the blink and/or flickr of and eye, the gallivanting live capital one progressive pinterest-ting human hulu hooping unwittingly accompany the grim reaper as riders to final resting place.

     Ribald exhortations and allegiance gifted from he/she who ushered in bereavement, where grief experiences a field day, whence pandora gorges philabundance like, as incalculable forsaken emptiness doles bleakness upon a grim outlook brought about per spilt blood, sweat and tears tallying the cost.

     Mortal kombat rues unfathomable payless priceline, which induces adrenaline to course thru the melee, where survivors sprint non selfie ish lee to a safer outlook, where moments before the collective asylum seekers indulged in a joyus fancy feast per vanity fair, whence diehard fanatic (attired inconspicuously like some dishabille schlepper of an outlier) pulled the trigger releasing high powered voluminous ammunition loaded murderous mass homicidal instrument.

     Netzero escape for those unfairly killed in ceaseless undeclared warfare, whereby killer (ofttimes a pissant punk) cooly unleashes fearsome fusillade from out the barrel per his/her lethal methodological munitions.

The word Gesundheit was first used in English in 1914. It became popular in the United States due to the many German immigrants who moved there. Many Americans may not be aware that Gesundheit is a German word, or even what it means.

Contrary ro popular belief, I experience sneezing fits
every now and again (like right nah... nah... mah now,
but cannot attribute sternutation linkedin to any known allergens).

An infinitesimal slight speck tickled nostril follicle – activated
via an itty bitty, nitty gritty dirt band noah bigger than a mole
luck yule set in motion a chain reaction, whence mine sensitive
proboscis honker (a wheeze hilly little bridged fine tuned pug
nose aroma sensor), got unexpectedly in gauged (in holy matt
trim mo’ knee) to achew, and eschew pledging troth (in favor
of hanky-panky) found this chap feeling phlegmatic despite
an endless strings of faux allergic emanations, which upon
subsiding left me throat rather raspy and voice some octaves
deeper akin to a coterie of celebrated jumping frogs from
Calaveras County, California took residence and took leave
sans stranglehold upon math rote upon awakening from a
hard day’s journey into night across the outer limits of thine
twilight zone resurrected during slumber, yet upon awake
kin ning felt much refreshed and hungry enough to eat a horse
– nee – make that forced ***** – gulped down within a hoof
n hour and now recount how back in the day when zooming
thru the Lilies of the Valley (whooshing mass elf tubby an aero
plane) frequent bouts with uber twittering snapchatting sinus
attacks besieged crinkled, doppelganger expeller for germs
hunting with his clean X instantaneously for nasal passages
to enter surreptitiously the fecund effluvia dripping, oozing,
and  seeping clear liquid as wintry cold air looses droplets
from out a near frozen nose, which bloke knows not why
frigid blast stimulates a gallimaufry of sniffling to spurt into
a volume of one after another gesundheit snorting trumpeting
unwittingly confusing Canadian geese, who misconstrue the
honking from midway centered ****** *****, which angry
birds in tandem with flock of Seagulls quite perturbed to
espy one curmudgeon chap clapping hands over (what feels
like a smashed face) in an effort to stifle subsequent gummy
emissions, which residue expectorated with heaven ***.
This thick mucous essentially the defense mechanism of
a healthy body electric to restore biz zee nose as usual,
which for this mild mannered liberal leitmotif from the
chronicle of one matted nattering nabob of nativity attests
congested mob functioning like a well lubricated machine,
et for the life of me, nary a handy dandy blues clues evident
as per, how the human entity empowered to steamroll over
any reasonably annoying bugaboo. Ah, now if only a similar
innate defense mechanism arose within the mental health,
that would be a supreme testament to thine atheistic exist
ants of miracles minus the attendant pharmacopeia of this,
that or some other drug to aright skewered psyche (of this
contemplative, emotive and intuitive literate outlier),
whose fifty plus eight shades of gray matter went awry
and skewed toward tipping point (to cope with ordinary
cares and concerns of an uncertain whirled wide web)
found the bulk of his life riddled with a joe king, gun
slinging tub back ha chew win, bard **** wordsmith,
who doth newt like to utter any crossword.

for the umpteenth time
during spate to sit scrawny buttucks
on porcelain throne id est
videre licet toilet bowl...
with toxic water brew threatening
to overflow onto the floor,
and hence found yours truly (me)
immersing himself in the holistic experience
for the pure love of bucket flushing
since applying plunger to no avail

found me able, eager, ready and willing
to whoosh upon a star to enlist
the entrepreneurial daring doo doo  
of eldest offspring to design a corkerasp,
and found (me) zee papa frankly
zapped, pooped, fatigued, et cetera out,
thus daring poster boy afflicted
by recurrent bouts of constipation
to share embarrassing communiqué I post,
a reasonably rhyming poetic shout out

to air flatulent grievances
concerning outsize bowel movement
hoping (fat/slim shady chance)
Mike Rowe happens tubby about,
though shadow of a doubt,
he will avail himself
**** eyes zing thee
nightly dump for yesterday
September 2nd, 2024 - whereby
plying plunger in vain, cuz suction

barely helped obstruction give way,
I nearly lost me life and limb oy vey
oh my dog, the same asinine outcome
which spurred poet to get underway
matter of fact, a replay
of excretion almost
occurred earlier today,
and thus an attempt to describe
a tragicomic scenario
regarding bowel movement

the size of subway tram,
an urgent message to maintenance person,
yours truly must relay
overflowing ***** nearly
found yours truly quay
king, yet impossible mission
arises to portray
with unsightly turgid prose
and cons of situation,
the juvenile elements of harried style

swiftly tailored, I hate to overplay
odoriferous subject matter
nsync with constipation
since laxative delineates,
expedites, facilitates,... née
posits heavy load emanating out ******
quite amazing what
smelly waste exits out me
necessitating able linkedin line
O Captain! My Captain!

I signal emergency mayday
posterior end, a dime size orifice,
which malfunctioning sphincter muscles
one moost never be lackaday sic cull
though kids and adults
laughed back in the day,
if and/or when Danny Kaye
tactfully poked fun including that girl
at such critical ****** phenomenon
equally important as a jackstay
to keep afloat body electric

accursed with ****** ammunition
auxiliary accouterments interplay
analogously precise as
Swiss made timepiece
said system responsible
to expel ****** toxins
upon which sitting on porcelain throne
one can softly utter hooray
thankful to experience relative pleasure
until one becomes feeble minded,

whereat sixty plus shades of gray
matter allows, enables, and
provides enjoyably foray
into the bathroom, which entranceway
hoop fully not barred nor off limits
cuz that primitive
urge one best not delay
lest one requires lower
gastrointestinal intervention
especially if blocked up

***** matter which turns to clay
unless of course one doth
cause damage and betray
respect toward well
oiled human machine
exercising and eating healthy
avoiding backside skeleton musculature issues,
yes... I reckon during twilight years
control over bowels doth slip away.

The Essence Of A Corkerasp.

(which fictitious object contrived
by my then twenty plus year old
third year college student,
(who will turn twenty eight
on December twenty second),,
but SHE would never admit
to birthing such an offal bit of drek.

The essential name arose
from preschool, predicated,
precocious person, and the words....?

Whenever constipation a pain in the ***
just maneuver this lightweight
metal contrivance made of brass
no matter if anybody
considers this action crass
apply corkscrew motion
up the alimentary canal
to remove human waste,
which most likely
will be thick like petrified paste

stuck deep inside
bowels of sphincter muscles
and solidly encased
causing severe cramps
within lower gastrointestinal tract
inducing one to wince nonstop
from being ***** matter packed
and no amount of primal groaning
doth loose this hard fact,
nor does imagery of freed ****

ease formidable **** plight,
no laughing matter
despite how absurd
squeezing does nothing
even applying all inner might,
thus necessary to incorporate
un-natural intervention to un-clog
****** blockage + uncomfortable bloating
swelling **** the size of a hog
disabling bare derriere

ease to stand let alone jog,
yet tis essential
per extricating what feels
like one swallowed a log,
which could presage demise
of sufferer, whereby epitaph
twill induce impossible
eulogy spoken language
where tongues wag in Prague
every ounce of effort required to bend

over gingerly affixing
plunger end of device
to business of rear end
best accompanied in tandem
with close companion or friend
this ***** deed done
dirt-cheap trick will ideally rend
rock solid excrement to roll and crash
(on par traversing highway
to hell) soundcloud, I

without fail regularly out the ***** send
upon bathroom floor
possibly inducing tsunami
seismic waves less or more,
whereby toilet bowl water will pour
over the sides akin
to white caps near sea shore
without doubt making
gluteus maximums extremely sore.