In Times New Roman, I font
to hitch wagon to a star.

Alias Adobe Jenson Albertus Aldus here
wed Alexandria (Algerian, an all around
American Typewriter gal) scattershot
with Antiqua ancestry, she told me
after I Aster while Aurora Borealis

shimmered overhead, while temporarily
embarking on long day's
journey into night
("yule Jean," I uttered
for no particular reason,
while taking a knee).

Upon spontaneous spur of moment
(not prematurely *******)
whim we pledged our troth
courtesy local Justice of the peace

at a pitstop named Baskerville
renown for landmark Bell
designed by Georg Belwe
in collaboration with inscription
by poet and cleric Pietro Bembo.

Whatsapp parent tis obvious influence
upon Berkeley Old Style,
plus subtle nuances difficult to discern,
nonetheless affecting one
Bernhard Modern as well

incorporating bankrupt trumpeting
apprentice Giambattista Bodoni
envisioning aspiring career as Bookman
titling initial publication;
The art of the deal.

Linkedin to aforementioned
aliens perhaps...maybe...
lost tribes of Israel long since
swept into dustbin of history,

a puzzling hyperlinked conjunction,
but with nebulous, mysterious,
gaseous, ambiguous
personage, and/or place
merely identified as Bulmer.

As iterated, we decamped
in proximity to Caledonia known to me,
a transplanted Californian FB,
who spent countless blocks of time
shuttling to and fro Calisto MT,
where pennies pitched into
fountainhead with Atlas shrugged.

Thee above ayn nee auld
rand (dom) blurb
invites intimations, yes...
viz pre Cambria yen
humanity awoke, where

sophisticated indigenous peoples
sparsely outnumbered,
they nonetheless compensated
minuscule population size
vis a vis did intriguingly fashion
(bug a boo)

underground elaborate Capitals
two identified as Cartier,
and Caslon Wyld
housing many a "FAKE" Antique,
circa Fifteenth Century
purported predecessors of Catull farmers

easily mistaken for garden variety
prehistoric Asian Tsen
Centaur re: yen creature,
what with Century Old Style,
Century Schoolbook,
New Century Schoolbook,

Century Schoolbook Infant
teenage ninja mutant turtle vestige
aligning their (ain't fib)
be yen cool visionaries,
donning tortoise shell bifocals,
otherwise affixed i.e. born that way

with poker faced purblind outlook,
and whose shockproof
shell acted carapace
tricked out to unseen observer
as an eye opening spectacle.

Utmost nadir of despair found
this atheist craning his neck skyward
hearing resplendent August orchestra
today June 10th, 2022
choral symphony may sound absurd,
but...mine supreme auditory sense

(compensated with poor vision,
i.e. extreme myopia) impossible mission
driving after dark
genetically injured
acute undoubted gifted courtesy,
viz cochlear ability crystal clear
also heard kindled melodious Lord

and lady joyously plucked harp strings,
which did lyft uber spirits seared, moored
anchored of me, one who demurred
coyly being graced with
exquisite hypnosis got lured

into cerulean celestial vault,
where I acquiesced and murmured
after a lifetime of hardship inured
every cell in my glob bully
warmed weatherbeaten body

sought salvation, thus poetic urge averred
this skeptic (nee nihilist), no matter
faith no more,...perhaps
soul asylum desperation secured

tenuous linkedin thread of hope
barely connecting yours truly, whose word
not necessarily claiming
to be the gospel truth,

nonetheless sought to nimbly aire
asthma tried and true valued metier,
vis a vis thru write of springiness declare
ring nothing sacrilegious,
nor decried as Harris say (ad) aware
no matter Doubting Thomas's (donned

as trumpeting English muffins)
may suspiciously questioning - dare
faux authenticity atop wobbly
shaky, and noname spear
such antithetical blare
nee as the rhyming ranting

of a harmless maniac
with mediocre ability to scare
heavenly visualization -
secondarily as a zealous
Earthlinked aspiring balladeer,

who immediately chucked
delusive fastasical notions
earning degree as an engineer,
thus setting sights, and
virtually figurative crosshair

to cackle like Chanticlear,
which discordant aural
debacle tortured ear pier
sing decibel threshold of unbear
hubble pain for
those unfortunately subjected

and forced to endure such screeching
a result of budget cuts - profoundly severe
that perilous, seditious, and viscous tear
into webbed, whirled, and wide statecraft,
hence melodic reverberation mistaken
as mock apple pie "FAKE" fakir

begging intercession qua spiritual guardian,
wrought mine overactive imagination
conjuring smug cockle doodle fledgling cheer
shoring temple mount reverse fortune,

whereby by fanciful fatefulness, I fell victim,
tomb eye own dim eyes, poppycock did ensnare
riotous, roisterous, and ruinous roostering
essentially roused, grounded,
and distorted nightmare!

Aforementioned title and following
little known verses of Matthew
finds me feeling squeamish,
peevish, anguish, et cetera
at our (the missus and mine) digs,
cuz low income rental housing regulations
require safe and secure place to live,
hence unpleasant inspection
scheduled at least once per year
here at 2 Highland Manor Drive
between 9:00 A.M. and 4:00 P.M.,
the last Wednesday of June 2022
when worse fate than death befalls us.

A triumvirate of persons
also known as
(the warden, zaftig and mister snitch)
comprising Property Manager
Regional Property Manager
and newly hired Maintenance Man respectively
will rap on the door or ring sorry excuse for bell
(cue suspenseful music)
before their collective gaze turns toward:

the kitchenette, stealing
a peek into refrigerator, stove,
cupboards, testing our patients
assessing utility room
housing hot water heater
testing smoke detector in bedroom
scanning bathroom
all the while reserving right
to take pictures
inside our unit if necessary.

No matter the missus and me
experienced aforementioned inspection
at least half a dozen other instances
since we lived here circa July 1st, 2017
(plus or minus a decade – ha),
which state inspection
explains metered emission
synonymous with violation,
whereby absolute zero
personal property we utilize
not considered off limits
to inquisitive troupe constituting
above identified higher ups
(reference made to aforementioned
motley management crew).

Now no more time for inane verse,
cuz tis urgent we get down to brass tacks,
yours truly cannot relax
until he and the wife
align figurative ducks in a row
courtesy ventriloquism acts
issuing convincing quacks,
plus suddenly magically enlivened
neatly arrayed knickknacks
threatened with receiving

bonafide paddy whacks
if said tchotchkes misbehave
and exhibit buffoonish antics
subsequently summoned,
instructed, and commanded
to complete x squared jumping jacks
otherwise sent to fabled boot camp
superfluous unwanted playthings
recruited by Salvation Army
filling out ranks of toy story barracks.

Countdown triggers nails
bitten down to quick
golly gosh if only Mary Poppins
who still appears rather gracefully slick
(especially during rainy weather)
at 17 Cherry Tree Lane, London England
could pull off cheap trick
or think super tramping Glinda
protagonist courtesy film Wizard of Oz
Good Witch of the North

ruler of the Quadling Country
South of the Emerald City,
and protector of Princess Ozma
riding her reo speedwagon
at light speed in nick
of time (in case of flat tire)
she will travel on her
state of the art broomstick,
but unfortunately said
courteous wonder women

long since retired though the former
still residing in her dotage
at the Banks residence,
nevertheless in an emergency
either one or the other
willingly avail themselves
providing freelance capering
constituting steep consulting fee services
while comfortably holed up
in their respective bailiwick.

spurred by most recent therapy session
with Renee Cardone
whereby thematic thread
stitched how yours truly sewed
coping modus operandi,
viz avoiding emotionally volatile situations
courtesy mine trademark signature reactions
rather than be in compliance with expectations.

Said nonconformist passive rebelliousness
especially affected our eldest daughter
me and the missus begot
even when she became potential human,
which zygote quickly multiplied and divided,
and upon first blush
if blot of amalgamated undifferentiated cells
shown to botanist visible to the naked eye,
he/she would understandably, possibly,
and easily misconstrue specimen as ergot
housed whip smart Rorschach inkblot
sized being who expressed disdain NOT
be linkedin with me, her disheveled papa,
who underwent extensive cosmetic surgery
and rigorous physical training
to become taikonaut.

No rhyme nor reason why
yours truly recalled how
me very late (long deceased) mother
(earlier in her fitbit livingsocial years)
non verbally communicated disgust
(nsync with audible sigh)
quite often ultimatums
blasting fulminating nauseating
scathing well nigh
she loosed loathing against
grungy looking son (guess who)

futilely escaped wrath of Harriet Khan
clamoring upon rooftop high
offering birds eye view
out of earshot and eyesight aye
catching sunbeams while smiling wry
cowardly lion sought divine intervention
courtesy sheltering sky
acres of shingles I sprawled
these lovely bones did lie
property of garden variety generic guy.

She who helped beget and birth
sole heir inheriting gamut of behavioral quirks
linkedin with many predecessors,
who trod, slunk, roamed...
across planet Earth.

Best bet said present day scribe i.e.
poetic, nonesstablishmentarian, liberal,
jesting, humble, freelance, dilatory ******
whose hindsight evinced a student dumber
than his classmates wheedled
(as targeted scapegoat) by bullies their flummer
re: entrapped - worse louse than lice
internalized trauma left figurative tread marks
analogous to raging road runner
pressing accelerator pedal of hummer
driven by (an actual person)
one Roger Kummerer,
jogged me memory to recollect
if yours truly not mistaken
his older sibling Marsha
gave a preemie kitten to Amélie
mine eldest sister,
(whom she named Twinkles)
scores of decades in the past,
when our family lived on Lantern Lane.

Despite agonizing vicious tongue lashing
courtesy parents against their flesh and blood,
which venomous invisible whiplash
never petered out against
******* son of a gun
(even when sundry bloke
got married and gladly left home)
abusive treatment markedly
left appalling, loathing and percolating
ambivalence if though mama passed away
(these last eighteen plus years) wrung
cash crop of poetic endeavors,
albeit resultant lackluster
literary crafted aspirations
many describing marginal existence.

Memory of mom overshadowed
by similar facsimile thereof
think shrieking banshee,
an indelible psychological imprimatur,
I strive to acknowledge
emotional reverberations to date
(June eighth, 2022).

My trademark wordsmith fashioned communiqué
impossible mission to shake off bittersweet feelings
toward once (former)
Arthur Murray dance instructor,
which fancy footwork synchronized with favorite
debonair handsome young fella (papa)
both flirts buoyant with elan and energy
only thru death will angst become free
interestingly enough hands will clap with glee,
cuz versatile wordsmith he
meaning this logophile will cease knee
dulling anonymous readers now me (Phil)
Anders heads off into the virtual blue beyond.

The following admission
honest to dogness haint no bunk
nobody, but yours truly
bore deeply and countersunk
his spontaneity satisfactorily
lightweight corporeal mein kampf,
didst more than baptise or dunk
cuff, which admirably aided to flunk,
(whereat no universal solvent,
could (kant) kelp dissolve barnacles
of sea sonned gunk),
asper thickly congealed

encasing this laughable
antithesis of hullo kit ting hue man
overweening tricky hunk,
which thought to attempt
skidding row bust humor
as a "FAKE" teetering drunk
ken-pro lit tarry overgrown punk
(riotously swinging balled fists
way of course), and mine
feeble insubstantial poetic jabs, where
teenage shadow boxer slunk
tis my harmless recourse to peddle

as sway to escape funk
seriously, Aesop hoes,
this personal mockery
wrote for no rhyme nor reason junk
bonded really gluten
free self deprecating
playfulness of course as chipper munk
makes any sense, neither kerplunk
emanating from atop me notch noggin
swishing with grade A klunk
emasculation par excellence, asper
out thee talking head of this lunk,

whose upcoming "talk therapy"
every other Monday
at 11:00 a.m. with preshrunk
kin shrink finds tarnished psyche resonating
analogous to reverberation while spelunk
king in an echo chamber futilely
questing, searching, rummaging...why I trunk
hated living when merely thirteen
courtesy Anorexia Nervosa
with spindle shank (chicken legs)
to attest as permanent stunted growth.

This hug gust aspiring writer..., albeit youth
fool looking imp posse Hubble wordsmith,
(i.e. the babbling dad) **** sitters hyperbole
nsync as acceptable literary playfulness,
no matter figurative persiflage

bespeaks, expresses, invokes, jimmy's...
simultaneously stretching limits credulity
(think courtesy metaphorical crowbar)
teases out apropos exaggeration
after quaffing vermilion vintage vermouth
without shadow of doubt signifying untruth
merely relishes using me pickled brine

as a practiced po' wit, whereby this logophile
doth das scribe today June sixth, tooth
house sand and twenty two, hoop fully
hits pun hushing metaphorical home runs,
yours truly figurative slugger and word sleuth

rivaling those four baggers
fielded by legendary Babe Ruth
lemme know if literary endeavor
(even juiced by ghost of chance) forsooth
prominently tickles one and/or booth

Funny bones belonging to thee
generic garden variety bot
dear reader rabbit carrot
teen loony toon Bugs Bunny
(asking what's up doc)
impersonator 'course I would unroll

welcome mat (a two seater)
roomy for outsize trumpeting despot
Scottish tartan and Harris tweed
(cuz I'm boss), oh... I almost forgot
dons hat as coordinator

three ring circuits, who runs hot
and cold compliments
courtesy schizoid personality disorder,
when juiced mere unicellular, speck, jot...
nine month parasite huddled in utero

with umbilical cord tied into Gordian knot
assimilating, gestating, maturing,
signaling mine trademark bon mot,
which aforementioned gobbledygook
poetic translation essentially means diddly-squat.

All Joe King aside, I embarked
as independent contractor
for United States Space Force
as 007 secret double agent
to craft senseless poem with humorous bent
quite aware acronym designating heaven cent
ear, nose and throat specialist

may not necessarily wax poetic,
thus scud daddy ling dude,
(nevertheless quite decent)
wrought literary dud versus
concocting Earth shaking event
versatility exemplifying fragment
infinitesimal ability owned by modest gent
with honest to goodness intent.

After the above written
rhyme without reason poetic yawping,
I took much needed reprieve NOT
to exhaust mine laudatory wellspring
subsequently all he wrote comprises something
inane, and without sophisticated substance
essentially absolute zero nothing
nutritious for cerebral cortex
to feast upon material hampering
intellectual succor zilch
otherwise outcome ranked as low achieving.

otherwise wordily titled: pooped out
after pouring bucketfuls of water into
place of ablutions
all the while skipping to my loo
umpteen times courtesy bathtub faucet
turned toward hot temperature
so toilet would finally,
magnificently, and royally flush.

As ofttimes occurred in the past
anonymous reader's time
I once again promise to waste
concerning asinine verbiage
without this bard **** feeling shamefaced
broadcasting his fealty
to posterior predilections must appear
(as rearing to volley rebuttal
against fans of mine) yours truly
ofttimes discusses that byproduct,
which issues out buttucks) narrow-based
if not downright banal, gross, offal... in haste
to craft something more philosophical
how craven ***** talk
whereby theme doth self debase.

I excreted a bowel movement
earlier today June 5th, 2022
substantial enough to sink battleship
(maybe ye experienced tsunami after effects)
laboriously dumping bucketfuls of hot water
insync with applying plunger found me a drip
with perspiration, and would have possibly found
site manager and/or maintenance man to flip
(a rare sight to behold
worth inconvenience of clogged toilet bowl),
which yours truly felt strain in back muscles
as he poured bucketfuls of water from his hip
accidentally splashing water
on bathroom floor

yes your honor
(necessitating **** deck to evacuate)
if thee choose to sit in judgeship
but please be mindful
to restrain giving me any lip
cuz atypical dilemma I figuratively did nip
in the bud, yet foresee similar outcome
sure as this...
once upon a sage, rosemary and parsnip
herbaceous generic fellow sought readership
ideally landing webbed wide world trip
heralded all along as a V.I.P.
where fanfare for this common man
would find his doggerel
induced listeners to yip.