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Therefore karma caught up to me big time
and delivered yours truly sent to purgatory
(figurative speaking) by casting a spell,
whereby the government issued Safelink
Tracfone got permanently disabled
and all the data
(including contact information
such as risqué photographs
of seductively posing nymphs
linkedin to Facebook Messenger)
stored therein forever inaccessible.

I did not pass GO,
nor collect two hundred dollars
but went straight to spiritual jail
after being warned countless times
(particularly courtesy the wife),
that husband of hers would pay
for texting and sexting with females
young enough to be his daughter.

No matter infrequently did I divulge
and/or countenance communicating
to females thru Facebook Messenger,
those few honest confessions found
the wife brushing her index finger of
dominant hand against index finger
of recessive hand uttering tsk tsk tsk...

Upon speaking over an alternate cell phone
to a Safelink representative, I got told
that NO replacement
for model Samsung Galaxy J3 Orbit -
the type I got sent a couple years ago -
NOT feasible because
the warrant time frame elapsed.

Aforesaid accursed misfortune of mine
would without a shadow of a doubt
(unlike the shadow
of Punxsutawney Phil
on February second
id est Groundhog day)
find the wife gleeful,
but (praised be dog),
I never admitted culpability
secretly painstakingly keying
unfulfilled romantic whims
inadvertently sabotaged
throughout those precious years
of puberty to emerging adulthood.

Quite frankly, I felt relieved
above mentioned cell phone got zapped
because after sharing preliminary questions
(more so about me
versus other communicant
on receiving end
telling nothing about herself -
with the exception of asking for money) -
an intimation clearly broached
to strategize about a rendezvous
with each other, no matter
original primary intent of mine
merely to plumb the depths
of a platonic relationship.

Lucky destiny intervened
in a timely fashion because
about a dozen
(***** deeds done dirt cheap)
years ago the writer of these words
met acrimonious, combustious, egregious,...
malicious, and opprobrious fallout
awakening our then two tween-age daughters
forever experiencing sundered dynamic
when he (their birth father)
nonchalantly drove home
from West Philadelphia
after visiting a woman of color
returning back to the then dwelling
at 724 West Railroad Avenue
in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania)
after the bewitching hour.

The sh*t hit the fan
and the spouse
analogous to a kamikaze pilot
zeroed in and drove brickbats
upon behavior of mine, appalling and base
and around the Mulberry bush did she chase
the monkey chased the weasel,
until she caught and verbally throttled
he who betrayed covenant vouchsafed
making a mockery of vows
with amazing disgrace
a major faux pas I can never erase
forever envisioning culprit
standing stockstill totally shamed
while she spewed
venomous bile back in my face.

The long story short,
she (the wife not ordinarily
a forgiving person)
did accept her
(once revered knight in shining armor),
yet never lost an opportunity
to hurl blackened barbs
as a subtle reminder to steer free and clear
of verboten fruit,
and as passive retribution
against further secrete liaisons  
I took a silent vow to be chaste.

Though more difficult
to thread a camel thru the eye of a needle
which creature invites one definition of ****,
now overactive imagination of mine
presents sexually evocative disjointed poem
crafted some years in the past
which following example
many or most readers would claim
adds injury to insult,
nevertheless fantasy appeases animal
call of the wild
to envision whim to attain foreplay,
and subsequent gambol
elicits sought after outcome
after fruit of the **** linkedin
to nurse ******* penult.

Mebbe thru da world wide web
dis Yahoo of a Verizon hotmail lives
earth linked lad kin wed
this aol (owl) lush
former Norwegian bachelor    
turning his married charade role alot
boot strong quaking testosterone
sans axon and neuron surges
thru this protoplasmic blot
closely resembles malignant blood clot
although just an infinitesimal dot
in cosmic skein since big bang hot
that birthed our universe
from microcosmic jot
best in webbed wide world
event in the cosmos
since invention of white bread -
gives empty calories a lot
soak up syrup
from chicken soup in a ***
followed and/or proceeded
by yar sweet kumquat
ex are size zing ma little **** tate tour
afore atrophy doth bring ****** rot
strongly suggested by this tartan
non-tweed wearing scott
who seeketh mare ring type woman
hoofing to trot
******* without shrieking WHAT!

The usual routine
t'will most likely
find me fantasizing
while this knight lies at night in bed
gets me little pawn feisty cred
with celibate life I dread
wonder if this smallish bore ring shaft
with smallish helmet head
will go sliding and slipping
like on well lubricated sled
and experience once again
when genital yar ***** will wed.

Matthew Scott (a mwm)
can hard lee await
to let each of us master bate
the other per ****** to create
as the first of many a date
whereby his ***** ***** will *******
into fecund field of whet dreams
*** with ongoing joyful fate
p'raps as friends, lovers
or e'en a temporary ****** mate.

although nada mooch bigger
than a cereal box toy
if ya wanna romp
with ma male member -
an imp for carnal ploy
which ******* would give me joy
to drop me drawers lay anchor ahoy
perhaps with a phone number
for this gentile goy
who enjoys foreplay
playing being faux coy
no matter this mortal happens
to be a sixty + six year
young looking boy,
who would love
to lay his little leaping lemur  
till anchor drops softly
in your mossy cove
and heart softly murmurs.

froom - Scott Matthews
a bar **** froom  perky yo' man
hoops poetic ant ticks woos
and alight with desire froom heads to toes
middle man appurtenance elongates
like a little ******
after a successful day
gone fishing he glows.
within mine marriage,
and all the ramifications
that happen therefrom
courtesy the social media platform
of Facebook Messenger,
wherein those subscribing
to an orthodox dogma
may consider said website infernal
(even more despicable
then once upon a time
Old Rotten Gotham
sliding down into the behavioral sink),
where sirens wail their plaintive call
seductively luring and captivating
(courtesy their cam girl schtick)
yours truly just another netizen,
(albeit a married Caucasian fellow)
merely seeking platonic relationship,
but nevertheless drawn
into placid tranquil Elysian fields
compliments of ambrosian aphrodisiac.

Impossible mission to consummate
illicit liaison with female(s)
young enough to be my daughter
unless I rent asunder vouchsafed bonds,
when troth got pledged,
(nearly spanning my half-life ago)
inconsolably bawling
for the first year of mein kampf
after exiting the birth canal
as a scrawny newborn sixty six years ago
January thirteenth
two thousand and twenty five.

Shame on me flaunting availability, carnality,
faux fidelity, juvenility,
obtainability, and unmorality
linkedin to unmet socialization
when a pubescent lad
essentially stunting healthy development
of body, mind and spirit,
while writhing with psychological agony
thwarting puberty every inch of the way
(because I wanted to remain a little boy),
hence no surprise self deprivation
of vital healthy biological development
witnessed devastating lifelong sabotage
undermining natural manifestation
of body, mind and spirit of life
from boyhood to manhood
recklessly endangering himself,
though he committed no crime per-se
starving himself to death
upended predestined kindled flux
about a dozen years prior,
when spermatozoa gamete
chanced to witness fertilization
nowadays primarily courtesy
breakthru technological wizardry
utilizing high-resolution microscopes
with specialized cameras used,
often in conjunction
with micromanipulation tools,
for procedures like ICSI
(intracytoplasmic morphology ***** injection)
and IMSI (Intracytoplasmic
Morphologically Selected ***** Injection),
which reproductive medicine
giving hope to those
experiencing challenges conceiving offspring.

Unintentional quirk of circumstances
found me texting and sexting young women
compliments Facebook Messenger
after acknowledging receipt of friend requests
unbeknownst such
nonchalant click of the mouse
would usher temptation
of the verboten flesh
(off limits after yours truly
promised to uphold sacred vows
not quite thirty years ago),
I claim the lame excuse
to compensate for forsaken opportunities.  

Analogous to someone starved
for one of Abraham Maslow's physiological needs
late childhood/early tween age hood
of mein kampf peppered
with absent necessary emotional,
physical, mental and spiritual growth,
which deprivation partially explains the reason
(without any rhyme or feathers) why the writer
of these words experiences giddiness
when veritable unknown females
(who congregate in cyberspace)
unwittingly boost my ego
paying me compliments
on my non-photogenic likenesses
or various and sundry autodidactic,
cryptic, dogmatic, fantastic, grammatic,
poetic nuggets of wisdom
from an altitudinarian, doctrinarian,
platitudinarian sexagenarian, and solitudinarian.
courtesy ******* minus preemptive measures
while plugg naughty bits of tarnished knight
while he took tea and crumpets within mistress's boudoir

The following verses typed out some years ago,
but equally pertinent and relevant to the ebb and flow
of my life today, and as ye become familiar with me
time and tide will tell lo'
more to thee just ask me and I (a letterman) will show.

After viewing Netflix
documentary life after death
portraying instances
where subject(s) pronounced
courtesy words one rapt listener
doth most fearfully dread
according to metrics
regarding absent heartbeat
and absolute zero brain activity,
yet after span of countless minutes
came back into the realm of consciousness
methinks mebbe mourning one grateful dead
premature ******* er utterance
superfluous and no longer acceptable

analogous to gasoline without lead
or also on par with emotional immaturity
still leaving psychological repercussions
bombarding the inside of mein head
admittance being immature
since taught me delicate
diplomacy of relationships
which deprivation of healthy
linkedin heterosexual rapport bred
hunger to appease libidinal longings
tugging, pulsating, jumpstarting the *****.

Nsync with variations on said theme:
various and sundry
pseudo lurid fictitious escapades
reduced as common ****** meme
mostly I did merrily wet
whet aye ever did dream.)

The missus personal trappings
strewn helter skelter
every perilous step fraught
with danger analogous
riding as passenger
with death cab for cutie
'course thy Queen
of denial feigns ignorance
attributes hazardous condition
linkedin with accident prone
little Lord Fauntleroy's
double doppelganger, me
trumpeting pet husband,
her unrequited germane Liebchen
willing to risk life and limb
doting hand and foot
as proper husbandly duties.

He (ahem... me) exhibits drama
whimsically visiting slapstick pantomime
especially pretending to remove sneakers
pulling with all my feeble strength
off little feet of wife
half-heartedly struggling,
lamely denouncing marriage
nevertheless conveying jollity
regarding marital entrapment
er... rather unbridled wedded bliss
constituting fits and starts enduring
about two dozen years.

I reciprocated amorousness,
whether toward MaryAnne,
(his long ago coldly dismissed
sagacious enchanting first paramour,
(half a dozen years my senior),
whose astrological forecast
accurately predicted promising
acquaintanceship/relationship
potential soul mates
(approximately two plus four score years ago -
gone to naught),
which latter aforementioned humble lass

decried he fomented
incessant emotional grief,
he cruelly (albeit unwittingly)
doled out nothing
but lackluster lovelessness
attributed to identical
zodiac signs (Capricorn)
(matter of fact shared same birth date
January 13th - six years age difference)
stubborn misconstrued perception,
whereby fancy free and footloose
selfish nasty short brute nevertheless
deemed himself loutish
undeserving of love - humph!

Addeneum: Approximately four decades
re: one quarter century after
aforementioned baptismal initiation
love stricken  paroxysm
forty fifth president of United States
took (i.e. plagiarized) many pages courtesy,
cruel playbook authored
by fella pseudonym self named Jane A. Rug,
who left trail of heartbroken sage woman
commander in chief deliberately stoked,
née sparked long
simmering smoldering, and stewing
long festering white supremacist altercation
fiendishly igniting racial conflagration
exploding during late spring 2020.

No matter no child left behind kibitzing
(yours truly as boy plucked petals
off daisy reciting "she loves me,"
"she loves me not"...
cupid loosed an arrow
into boyhood neighborhood sweetheart
she innocently bespoke
"I wanna marry you,"
when uttered courtesy Sherry Jones,
a little girl who lived
approximately three doors down
along cul-de-sac within Apple Valley

perpendicular to Lantern Lane,
or more age apropos,
when young gallivanting
purported vestal ****** ladies
nonverbally signalled
libidinal proclamations of emancipation,
as demurely expressed
lest unlucky (chaste into)
precocious ******* proclivity
suffered the punishment
of being buried alive.

Now back to present day,
when our old geezer,
the prototype garden variety
male of present poem -
any resemblance between general referenced
fella and living persons purely coincidental.

He (yours truly) easily qualified as
overly cocky whippersnapper,
i.e. young buck and/or Casanova wannabe
experienced bit torrent
hormonal secretions gushed
particularly in close proximity
wherein wafted pheromones -
think a waif faring ingénue.

As evident and quite obvious,
I fabricate (prevaricating
my signature trademark)
rather than stating bland reality stark,
yet will plainly explain issue
in summary essential rhyme
without reason constitutes
nothing more spectacular than
garden variety generic pockmark
excised pustule ofttimes hallmark
of teenage/ pubescent pimply benchmark.
Earlier today March 28th, 2025
(thee hour now fifteen minutes
after eight o'clock at night, cuz
yours truly & wife paced back
and forth from one room to the
other wearing out rugged groovy
Tuesday (three day) experienced exhaustion
within anticipatory anxiety
while feeling foreboding regarding
impending inspection courtesy
funding source for low income
rental community R(ural)
H(ousing) D(evelopment)
facility named Highland Manor
Apartments allowing, enabling,
& providing safety and security
away from elements harried
styled and swiftly tailored Mother
Nature poised to strike
indiscriminately across Perkiomen
Valley (though this geographic area
rarely if ever experienced
extreme weather phenomenon),
yet occasionally bam wham
thank you ma'am solid punch
evidenced nevertheless no likelihood
divine intervention would intercede
to disrupt yearly the plan for RHD
to take lock, stock and barrel of
property at 2 Highland Manor Drive,
whereat many tenants experienced
high anxiety nervously awaiting
the verdict concerning apparent
violations which would necessitate
immediate actions incumbent upon
management company known as
Grosse and Quade subsequently
affecting spike in rent beyond
the pale of affordability after costs
of repair calculated into the mix
courtesy officials prowling around &
scrutinizing soundness of building,
once upon a time former elementary
school in borough named for George
Schwenk, born and died (1728 -1803)
respectively locally famous and noted
worthily essential man whose mettle
constituted being adept as tradesman,
crafting and repairing metal objects,
from household items & tools to
farm equipment & even weapons,
using a forge & anvil to shape heated
iron, thus recognized as an inimitable
blacksmith, whose son Jacob served
in the Revolutionary War under George
Washington, hence name Schwenksville,
Pennsylvania no longer an isolated
hamlet bleeds into adjacent communities
where said building I live chock a block
with vinyl city, where affordable housing
necessarily requires ordinances & property
inspectors de jure enforcing, mandating,
& yielding de rigueur to arbitrary (usually
yearly) scrutiny of about a half dozen
randomly chosen units within Highland
Manor Apartments to ascertain tenants
deemed and maintained their assigned
units in accordance with standards as
outlined in the lease, which severe
disinclination to abide by coda could
constitute legitimate violation & reason
to be forewarned than after given so
much time to shape up or ship out,
which crises nearly found ourselves
(yours truly & the misses) with no figurative
(and literal) roof over our heads, and
forced to ******* himself as rhetoric
the great or panhandle as local
historical buff displaying wares of "Lenni
Lenape," (which means "original people"
or "real people" in the Lenape language,
though said indigenous natives also known
as the Delaware, a name given by European)
particularly their kitchen middens whose
ghosts invariably haunt these regions grist,
for the mill of one story teller with overactive
imagination expounding on how one desperate
wordsmith wannabe or spouse sold their souls
to the devil, which action if successful would
which set in motion a vicious cycle necessitating
them to sell other parts of their body namely
major organs until they slowly but surely became
incorporeal beings able, eager, ready,
& willing to roam hither & yon, to and fro
across the webbed, wide world with few
if any obstacles in our way, whereat
nothing will thwart our collective endeavors
to sustain being linkedin to the air supply
eventually becoming absorbed into the ether
real medium encompassing the infinite
eternal cosmos, but interestingly enough
as the hours lapsed into late afternoon
especially when time approached
seventeen hundred hour myself & the spouse
dared the other to even whisper how
the fickle finger of fate showed a thumbs up
that no Mötley Crüe would appear
as the Iron Maiden de jure subjecting
ourselves on the receiving end of Poison,
thus dazed and confused as a Led Zeppelin
aimlessly spinning around like a whirling dervish,
who got stopped in his/her tracks to blink 182 times
plus me and the wife pinching ourselves &
the other to reckon eyes (usually subjected
to adversity since each of us got born) free
& clear of major catastrophe by a hair's breadth,
nevertheless feeling defeated living life struggling
with money woes & impossible mission for me
to eradicate indebtedness to this,
that or some other collection
agency no surprise ratcheting up frequency
when the purpose driven life ofttimes reaching
the tipping point where the grim reaper extended
a bony hand welcoming chemical romance videre licet
an accidental overdose of Fluoxetine elucidating
suicidal ideation as modus operandi to escape
(as a permanent solution)
the travails of penuriousness
still prevail at twenty two hundred hours
and never to late too send out an electronic sos for munificence.
Warning: The following material no worse than getting cooties. I remember them way back in grade school, whereat everyone ran away from me with worse luck than Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, who kissed the girls and made them cry, when the girls came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away.

My humblest apology
if the following account
doth gross thee out
forlorn childhood of mine,
but remembrance of things
past icky and sticky
bumper crop of divine
nose diving delectable
diamonds secreted by
the mucous membranes
of the respiratory
passages, especially when
produced in excessive
or abnormal quantities,
e.g., when someone
is suffering from a cold
found further ostracization
of me tantamount
being shipped off
to a leprosarium.

As a chronic gold digger
in early grade school,
specifically within nasal passages,
I excelled at
locating awesome gooey gems.

The pinky seemed
most opportune for
button nose of mine as most
convenient handy dandy
blue's clues implement
to mine for juicy
succulent wads of yuck.

Early academic ex: pear
re: ants helped refine
delicate art of reaching
pitch perfect snot.

This individual craft essentially
entails extensive dexterity
in conjunction with
recognizing ideal picking time.

If one plunges
the little finger prematurely,
nothing but a glob
of **** will dribble out.

Best to wait until rock
hard sensation felt
when applying pressure to
either nostril.

The consistency of rock candy the
best analogy for this
other than tasteful habit
instinctively learned when
being housed in the womb.

Upon birth one
or more phalanges often
solidly locked where mucus generated.

This common medical
condition frequently requires
delicate intervention
(usually minor surgery)
to separate glued
gummy intertwined proboscis
from fleshy mitts.

As a natural born miner for
the most moist
and choice septum byproduct,
this lad as one gangly
whipper snapper mastered
the art of sifting
thru the sinus cavity to extricate
boulder sized buggies
wrote the book on the
ole factory chews.

Unlike many other young
children who fancied
this fun hunt for miniature crusty
crab cakes like formations
as delectable treats,
this grown man
when a little boy chose
to paste them on under
side of his desk.

No particular strategy for affix
sing goop upon
the underneath section of old
fashion unit (whereby
the top opened up and
provided a dish like formation
to store materials)
motivated this daily
cultivating for ripe buggies.

Within very few months,
the front most section
became quite thick
with wads of buggies that
quickly hardened into
scaly coating displeasing
even to my
high tolerance for gross.

Since no preliminary
measure for measure
took place to map out
where to place
the collection of daily glob,
inevitable contact took place
with aging dried
buggies that felt
like molting shells of insects.

Nightmares eventually
took place incorporating
this scary goblin
like creature (usually dripping
lugi with mossy slime),
which sought out his
insatiable hunger for buggies.

In these dreams,
I tended to be honored
with razor sharp fangs
and dagger type fingernails.

The latter came
in particular service
to probe my pinocchio-
sized smeller with
amazing ease to scrape
practically to the brain
(and perhaps some
grey matter did
get unintentionally removed)
to appease the buggy monster.

Soon after wake
king up in a start
from this nightmare (when
outsize still pitchblack),
a blurry image seemed
to dart away
leaving soggy footprints
closely resembling phlegm!
found himself bewitched about Circe,
particularly after reading book title by the same name.

An enchantress and a minor goddess
in ancient Greek mythology and religion
depicted as living on the island of Aeaea
(pronounced "ee-EE-uh"),
the daughter of the sun god Helios
and the Oceanid nymph Perse
Circe renowned for her vast knowledge
of potions and herbs
unwittingly cast her magic
across millenniums of space and time,
whose fictitious existence spanned
during the Bronze Age
and the Greek Heroic Age,
which roughly corresponds
to the period of the Trojan War
and Odysseus's journey home
courtesy Madeline Miller
an American novelist,
author of The Song of Achilles and Circe,
who spent ten years writing
The Song of Achilles
while she worked as a teacher
of Latin and Greek.

After reading the first hundred pages
of aforementioned well written novel,
(a riddle wrapped
in a mystery inside an enigma -
In an October 1939 radio speech,
Winston Churchill used this phrase
to describe a situation
difficult to comprehend,
when he analyzed the early events
of the second war to end all wars),
yours truly experienced
increased familiarity towards Circe,
which inadvertently brought admiration
and eventual infatuation - ha
to said subject matter at hand
compliments aforesaid
forty six year young autheress
weaned on the classics as a little girl
courtesy her mother,
(who shares the same first name)
a librarian, started reading her
The Iliad at five years old
and she started learning Latin at eleven,
hence no surprise the daughter
started writing her first novel,
The Song of Achilles,
during the final year of her bachelor's
after co-directing a production
of Troilus and Cressida.
Most of my life of threescore and six years
found me a **** poor bloke transfixed
with reading about
femme fatale fictional personas in general,
and Circe in particular,
whom yours truly
found himself besotted with
because of her intriguing charisma
and found himself pretending
to wine and dine
said figment of Grecian imagination
à la suit of lovers such as
Telemachus, Hermes,
and most significant
life changing relationship Odysseus.

Short of cash
since becoming aware
of the importance of money
(particularly the lack thereof
of said currency),
I lucked out being a Guinea Pig
to test run the latest iteration
of time machine technology
and willingly accepted the opportunity
to volunteer myself
aware that any number of quirks
could find me stranded
somewhere in time
cue The 18th variation
of Sergei Rachmaninoff's
"Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini"
never to return to the present moment
(March Madness 2025)
before circumstances
leisurely cruising thru cyberspace
texting one of the countless friends
I met courtesy social media platforms
until accursed ill-fate
found me experiencing
a series of unfortunate events.

After an instantaneous
indeterminable interval
of fleeting seconds or minutes,
a blinding flash indicated
that space-age contrivance
approached speed of light,
which pure energy form
accompanied with surrealistic kaleidoscope
of brilliant and spectacular colors,
which virtual phenomena
analogous to a rave party
typically featuring
electronic dance music (EDM),
with other genres like house, techno,
trance, drum and bass,
and dubstep being common choices
quite visible even with protective gear
donned over entire talking heads.
Unfortunately due
to some ghost in the machine,
a mechanical breakdown
within the Elon Musk
made contrivance
where time travel
to classical Greece
original objective in general
and experiencing firsthand
the invisible presence of Circe in particular
found the airy mission
thwarted (possibly a conspiracy linkedin
with John Wilkes Booth)
to pre antebellum America instead
birthing the following snippet
from a more lengthy vignette.

Nothing unusual, but
please pardon my lack of ability
to communicate in a clear and concise fashion.
The heat from summer like temperature-
induced drowsiness, which effort
to keep eyelids opened
tantamount to a futile effort.

So this fellow relented to visit
Doctor Mehmet Ozzy Osbourne land
during his Black Sabbath.

Thus mere moments ago,
while adrift in deep,
profound and tranquil sleep
(which seemed to encompass
more than the usual
one hour or so dog gone cat nap)
an undetectable transformation
quietly, softly, and subtly
jettisoned me from the here and now
to the flux of events
awash mid eighteen hundreds America.

Prior to waking
from hypnotic, trancelike state
(populated with exquisite
redolent viz psychedelic furs dreams
nearly true to realistic personages)
held me spellbound.

Akin to a frictionless,
gliding locomotion mechanism
(safely and securely
transporting human cargo
known as Matthew Scott beyond present)
ferried me across corridors,
labyrinths and passageways
countless decades ago,
I absorbed the ambient
mind-set, beliefs, creeds, ethos,
gentility, integrity, morality,
nuanced opinions, political thought-processes,
vices and virtues
of progressive think
men and women,
for their time,
who accident of fate
writ (unbeknownst to them)
their incomplete biographies
cradle to grave scores of years ago.
of diverse and sundry sizes engaged
in woebegone wild rumpus
as a last hoorah
for diversity, equity and inclusion,
whose somber bowed heads
(hide their snickers
just a kiss away)
their backsides mimicked
tufted heavenly clouds
interspersed amidst with imaginary fallen angels
softly chanting profane funereal requiem,
where a former
warren of dust bunnies galore
met their ill fate getting vacuumed
hashtagged as sinners
in the hands of an angry dog.

Twas (NOT the night before Christmas),
nevertheless bright idea lit up the eyes
of zee missus Clause
(she got known far and wide
as an impractical joker)
poised to strike
at the least opportune moment
while donning das skies
of a ******* centerfold
within the erogenous penalty zone
took a page from Ursa (la) Major.

Hens forth aye dedicate and air
this poem for self aggrandisement,
thus trumpet and blare
to acknowledge this mister
and asking thee
to please support me courtesy
mailing a blank check
to Matthew Scott Harris,
I kid thee not dear reader
with ewe nanny muss cowabunga
names of barnstorming farm animals
buck cause I sheep push lee duck clear
to promote worthwhile secular humanist
(Billy me), one beatle browed, foo fighting
nirvana seeking enigmatic, kinetic,
romantic, and zoetic yahoo who dons guise  
pulling wool over your eyes.

Before birth of our progeny
yours truly (me) addressed said spouse
"my little buttock blaster" endearment -
for obvious reasons,
and before she begat two 'ere
rip press able deux lovely daughters,
anyway thee wife I fear
to publicize contracted a benign
strain sans incurable glare
ring housecleaning malady,
(thus far no unpronounceable hair
raising name affixed
to non contagious plight, nonetheless
accursed obsessive/compulsive malady,
whereby to keep from appearing
on Hoarding: Buried Alive at bay,
she applies elbow grease
scrubbing stubborn stains
from clothes, dishes,
getting down on all fours
with the help of scrub daddy
and consolidates tchotchkes
to make room,
when gamut of hibernating
Ursine horde (nee Mötley Crüe)
come breathing alive with the sound of music
Nsync chron eyes with beastie boys,
Bay City Rollers
culture clubbing babes
upon first spring day
engrossed in this, that,
or some other sweeping floor foray.

Endless task to “keep house,”
especially cuz rural housing development inspector(s)
(scheduled of March twenty eighth)
intend to grade our apartment against any violation
checking every square inch for tell tale signs
of abhorrent sight for sore eyes
such as manifestations of sizable tufts of dust
analogous to Velveteen Rabbit
shedding gray winter coat
when warmer temperatures arrive,
where humongous fur clumps would lay
comprising sudden empty raft
of shelf space minus a may
zing globules, oh...lemme get on track,
whence frenzied fever
"cleaning bug" nee
major virus afflicting wife,
would necessitate impossible task
strapping, pinteresting, and kickstarting
former feisty Norwegian farm gal
a force to reckon with
even in a straight jacket
would hardly deter native talent
to create chaos in her wake
inviting ecosystems of critters
who ordinarily she doth thrive within slovenly
unkempt environment analogous to pigsty
would be to her analogous child's game to play
boot tiring and cruel task to pick up after her
Yukon say 24/7 daily challenge for yours truly
the husband to experience despair
lest we receive eviction warning,
impossible mission to locate
an affordable accommodating
renting a U-Haul to move out,
which unpredictable eventuality  
defies ample time frame
to shape up or ship out
thine remaining lifetime
wedded to wife oy vey
would frank lee zap
every last efficient
excellent employee “oompa loompa”
specifically to the small,
orange-skinned people
who work in
***** Wonka's chocolate factory
in Roald Dahl's Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory.

Ultimate challenge constitutes
weathering blistering retorts
for remaining years
of married life with same spouse
in response to constructive criticism
like a nattering nabob of nativity
buzzfeeding, lamenting and testifying
to the omnipotent power at large
who hopefully can affect and infect
the wife with “house beautiful” syndrome.
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