My head kept spinning
Long after you kissed me
And I don't think it had anything to do
With the poison in my
Blood

I wear my emotions
On my sleeve
Like a badge
Or a brand

My poker face
Is all too easy
To read
I've never been a fan
Of gambling

You can read me
Like the pages of a book
My sad story
Splattered across the pages

I can't hide
From how I feel
But my fears
And my thoughts
Should not control me
The way you do

You are not in love with me
And I am not in love with you
Love is easy
Simple
Love is giving
Selfless
You don't destroy the person you love

You and I
Cannot get over each other
Because we cannot bear
To see the other
With someone else

I don't know if you want me
Or the memory of me
I miss the way
Things used to be

I don't know if that's possible again

He is not mine
And I am not his
All you wanted was to have me
But I refuse to belong
To anyone but myself

when you're sad
i'll rub your back
and play with your hair
along the back of your neck
and hold your arm
or your hand
and let you
cling to me

when you're sad
i'll recite poetry
about toothbrushes
and bicycle tires
and long lost
love stories

when you're sad
i'll sing to you
or hum because we both know
i can't sing
i'll be rapunzel
you'll be eugene
and at last
we'll see the
light

when you're sad
i'll bring you to a river
so the water
can drown out
the sound of
your sadness

when you're sad
i'll be there
your crying shoulder
your pillow
the one you can
trust

because that's what best friends are for

Pump me full of adrenaline
With your passion
Then leave me smoldering
With your secrets
And compromise
Give me a thousand miles
A sprint only gets you
So far

I am not a psychotherapist
But sometimes I think I'm just
******
And I give out therapies
Like I gave him too many tears

I ask all the questions
That no one wants to answer
In hopes that the truth will smack them
Open their eyes wide
Like it did mine

I listen to their answers
Testimonies of their pathetic attempts
To convince themselves of happiness
No one changes unless they want to
And quite frankly
Sometimes it feels good to hate and hurt
To convince ourselves that we're different when really
We're all the same

Tell me why you want to die
And I'll tell you not to
But this circle ends and begins with
You
I cannot save you
I can lend out a hand to your drowning soul
But you must decide to help yourself
And take it

I am not a psychotherapist
But I am a ****** therapist
I'll tell you to save yourself
While I number my days

I've been bogged down
In this quicksand
Of self-destruction
Pushed further
By poisonous
Contempt

But I am finding the strength
In my bones
In my muscles
In my soul
To climb out
Of this abyss
Rise from these ashes
Destroy what
Destroys me

I will not let
Anything
Or anyone
Hold me back

It's terrible
To be in love
With someone who constantly
Tears you to pieces

Because the only thing
That will fix you
Is their touch
Stitching you back together

He and I
Are patchwork quilts
With stitches
In our stitches
And new holes fraying
As fast as we mend them

I'm putting down
My needle and thread
I'm done sewing
And I'm done with
New holes

We will never be
New and whole again
But our quilt
The details in the fabric
The scars of our past
The hope for our future
Will always be
My favorite one

Open my heart
Like an old book
Read me
Like a familiar comfort
Run your finger
Down my softened spine

You are written
Between the lines
On every page
Folded in creases
Saving a place
For later
You have always been
My favorite story

Maybe I'll drive home recklessly
And leave myself behind
You told me not to
But I don't know
If it matters
After all
I guess I'm just another girl
You flirt with
Nothing but
A number

The metallic tang
Of disinfectant still
Haunts me
I remember the papery rustle
Of thin sheets
Against your cotton gown
And the constant mask
Of pain
That painted your
Innocent face

You've never looked so young
And I've never felt so old
I can't forget
How you grabbed my hand
And asked me to stay
With pleading eyes
And my heavy heart
Chained me to that bed
I would have stayed there forever

I don't know
How to tell
If I love you again

I don't know if I ever
Stopped

I have never been a good swimmer
I can't jump in a pool
Without plugging my nose
I can't hold my breath
Underwater
I can't tread water
When the waves are high

I am drowning
In the push and pull
Of this riptide
The waters are churning
And so is my mind

We will never be
Calm waters
So we'll slip beneath
Into the comforting arms
Of numbing pain
Maybe we'll find each other again
Someday

I can't read
Romance novels
Anymore
Because every kiss
The characters share
Makes me long
For your
Presence

When we were young
We believed our parents
Could never be wrong
We wanted to be just like them
Because they were perfect

Then we grew up a little
And we changed our mentality
Parents don't know anything
They don't know what I'm going through
They can't possibly understand

And we'll grow up some more
We'll be away from our parents
Shaping our own lives
And we'll realize
Maybe they do know something after all

People come and go
Friends lovers enemies
People change and disappear
But parents never cease
To love you

That boy who says
He could marry you
Isn't worth it
If he can't accept your family

That girl who says
She will always love you
Never can
If she doesn't love your family

I wish I could keep this moment
Put it in my pocket and save it
For a rainy day
When the world reflects my mind

I wish I could save the sunshine
As it glints golden off
Emerald leaves
That dance and whisper
In wind's soft caress

I wish I could save the silence
As it wraps it's fingers
Around my swollen heart
And holds me close
So I don't feel so alone

I wish I could save the grass
It's expansive touch
Enfolding me in a blanket
Of sweet memories
To ease my mind

I could stay in this moment forever
But if I did
I might lose the next one
And who knows
It might be better

It's funny how easy
It is to lie
When the words
Are on a screen
In black and white
No emotion

"I'm fine"
Is easier to say
When the tears
Are silent
And my voice
Can't shake

if you're the ocean
mesmerizing and strong
i'll be the night sky
stricken with stars
blending endlessly into the other
seamless

you looked at me like i was a treasure
and for the first time
i felt golden

"i'm fine"

like i've never heard that before
on long lost nights spent
pleading to save a life

like i've never said that before
on an everyday basis
trying to convince myself

like i've never lied before
because no one really
wants to know the truth

like i've never been lied to before
even when i saw you
roll your sleeves down

like i'll believe you.

I have enough
Of my own conflict
And frustrating feelings
Flooding my brain
And seeping into my
Thoughts

I cannot please everyone
I won't even bother trying
I will not waste my time
Groveling at your feet
Begging for forgiveness
When I have done
No harm

I make mistakes
Because I'm human
But I will not apologize
For who I am

I think the sight
Of you hiding in the shadows
Watching me lose my breath
Lose my mind
Will haunt me forever

I wonder what you were thinking

I spend a lot of time
Trying to make myself
Smaller
To shrink myself down
So I take up the least space
Possible

I spend a lot of time
Wishing I could
Trim down
Sharpen my soft edges
Harden my shape
I would rather be someone's rock
Strong and safe
Than their pillow
With loose ends and a soft center

It's impossible to allow someone
To trace my softness
When I recoil where their fingers
Graze my skin
I can only imagine what they think
Of my weakness

It's impossible to live in this body
That I feel unsafe in
A fear I'm constantly aware of
Judgment from all angles

It's impossible to escape
I can't hide from this hatred
My being, my mind
Controlling the image of
My self, my body
My mind is sharp but my body is soft
There's no question as to who
Will give in

It's easier to fall
Asleep on your
Chest
Than in my own bed

I guess my bed
Never felt as safe
As your arms

I'm afraid to close my eyes
Because in my dreams
I still feel your
Touch

I can't wake up to that kind of pain

someday i want to wake
in streams of sunlight
and messy bedsheets
just to roll over
and feel you stir
against me
blink the sleep from your eyes
and sigh
i'd want to kiss you goodmorning
make you tea
and read the newspaper
or maybe just be
with each other

there's something to be said
about the magic of
mornings

We aren't alone. We can't be.
And the answer to the question of whether or not we are alone is both fascinating and absolutely terrifying.
We have no way of knowing.
It's entirely possible that we are alone. It's entirely possible that we're not.
But then how did we get so lucky? Why are conditions just so exactly perfect that we exist in this world in this time in this form?
Is that a coincidence?
Can that be controlled?
And then the universe itself is a whole different question.
If it is truly unbounded and infinite, and we are a part of that, we are essentially zero. We don't exist. Our existence means nothing to the universe.
And if the universe is bounded and finite, what exists past the boundaries?
What else is out there?
Will we ever really know?

I wonder
If you kept
My sweatshirt
Or if it was too
Painful to breathe
The perfume of my
Memory
The stench of my
Absensce

I wonder
If you burned
My sweatshirt
Like you lit the bridges
Connecting us
Erasing
The perfume of my
Memory
The stench of my
Existence

Your life today
Won't be the way you live forever.
Just give yourself the chance
To see your life get better.

i have crevices
and cracks
in my weary skin
you widened them
and slipped
beneath
molding to the gaps
in my bleeding heart
like duct tape
that you ripped off
when you tore me
to shreds

i gave you the power
to heal
and to hurt
i gave you an option
you healed me
first
but you mapped my wounds
the places i hurt
most

i am not selfish
i do not live
with the intention
to hurt
so it ruins me
when i do
but you had no guilt
when you targeted
the very wounds
you helped
heal

you spoke with daggers
and bullets
with the intention to
disrepair
you tattooed your hatred
across the back of my
eyelids
embedded your pain in
every *******
nerve

forgetting you is impossible
while my once healed wounds
still throb
but your disgust and
your last words
ring in my ears
and i wish you
wanted to take them
back

I could get drunk
Off the smell of your skin
And the taste of your tongue
But now you taste like ***
And the breath of
Someone else

they've said to do what scares you
because that is what helps you
grow
if something is exciting
and terrifying at the
same time
it is probably the
right thing

you terrify me
every time you score your
fingernails across the
small of my back
catch your teeth on the
curve of my neck
press your lips to the
soft spot above my
belly button
you send tremors through my
glass spine
i could so easily shatter
but you mold to me
blurring my edges and lines
into yours

you terrify me
and excite me
so i think that means
we're doing something
right

I will give up on you
I will let you go
I will let you be
Hers
Because you will be happy
And after everything
I've put you through
You deserve
A little light
In your life

The board meeting
Isn't going well
No one can seem
To agree on anything
The politicians are fierce
And convincing
And I've never been good
At making decisions
My head is spinning
With their arguments
Scrolling through lists
Of pros and cons

There's no way out of this
Someone has to get hurt
For me to be happy
But will I be happy
Knowing that it came
At someone else's expense?

Meeting ajourned
For now

I told you I wouldn't write this poem but bad love poems are my calling so here I am
I asked too many questions tonight that you answered too honestly but isn't that what I wanted?
I showed you too much of me tonight that you didn't need to see but you did exactly what I needed you to do
I let my emotions get the best of me and here I am on the floor begging for it to stop
Tonight you didn't read my mind
You didn't cheer me up instantly
Every word only reminded me exactly
Of the world I gave up
I'm torn between my own greed
And the need to give you everything that I never could
I told you I wouldn't write this poem
I hope you know I didn't lie as much as I was trying to convince myself that I could handle losing the best thing that ever happened to me

Let me pour my heart out to you
But you aren't allowed
To listen
Because my heart
Doesn't speak with
Sound
If you want to know me
Watch me
Notice every deliberate angle
Listen to my quivering limbs
Let my fingers tell you my wishes
My toes will tell you my fears
The bend in my spine will tell you
My weaknesses
The hesitation in my core will tell you
My passions
The truth is ingrained
In the pull of my muscles
Across fragile bone
Do not listen to the words I speak
Just hear my breath
Take notes from my body
Let me show you
The story of my
Life

I sit alone at the bar
Lazily swirling the last bits of
***** and ice
Around my glass
The sweet stench of smoke
Clings to my clothes
And seems to settle in my crevices
Over the muddled din
Of pool tables and conversation
A voice at my ear
A hand at my waist
A pair of convincing eyes
Against my better judgement
I leave my drink at the bar
Along with my
Dignity

You passed me in
The stairwell
Yesterday
I came around the corner and
There you were
Trudging up the steps
With the weight of your
Disdain heavy
In your eyes
As they met mine
With a pitiful smile

You brushed my arm in
The stairwell
And I wanted nothing more
Than to run and never stop
To curl up in the dark
Into myself
So I could never
Hurt you
Again

The sunlight streaming
Through the open window
Kisses my face good morning
And creeps under my eyelids
My mouth tastes like cotton
And bittersweet regret
I slide off the bed
Out from under the tangled mess
Of blankets and my innocence
A pack of cigarettes and black coffee
Beckon me
I lean over the iron balcony
Over the foreign cobbled street
A cancerstick dangling from my fingers
Wrapped around a delicate mug
His dress shirt flutters around my bare legs
In the morning breeze
Eyes closed, I feel the cigarette slipping
He rolls it coyly around his fingers
And takes a slow drag
Before leaning against the railing beside me
This stranger and I

You make me think in poetry
The world becomes a rhythm
A cadence
Ticking along to the beat of our
Synchronized hearts
My name is a song
When it comes from your
Tremoring lips
Every silence is full
Of comfortable emptiness
Nothing is ever void
When I'm tangled in you
I'm drunk off your
Presence
My head spins when you
Trace constellations
Across my collarbones
You play me like a piano
Touch my body like keys
And control every
Shaking breath
The world is a wonderful place
But it is poetry when I'm
With you

to my ladies out there
who need to take
a little time
for themselves
once in a while
listen up
you are nobody's last resort
you do not always have to be there
you are not a toy
you can do it
so stop convincing yourself
you can't
wipe the tears off your own cheeks
pick yourself up off the floor
put away the Ben and Jerry's
hold your own girl
be proud of yourself
because nobody does you
better than you do

Tonight I'll pretend
The wind in the trees
Is the waves on the shore
And you feel the way
You did last night
When we were drunk
Off each other
And twined under covers
I'll pretend that we aren't
Falling apart
And imagine my sheets
Are your skin
Wrapping me with warmth
Lulling me to sleep

If there was one thing
You could change about me
You would make me
Less insecure

But the reason
I see myself
This way
Is because I have never felt
Like something worth
Treasuring

The steam on the windows
Conceals us from the world
As we sit beside each other
Laughing in our underwear
Discovering secrets
In whispers and caresses
Stolen kisses
And trailing fingers
Lingering glances
And quiet giggles
Exploring each other
Uncharted surfaces
Become familiar
As we learn the parts of us
That fit together
Like puzzle pieces

It's been almost two weeks
Since I last felt
The smolder of your lips

Things aren't getting easier

It's just that
I had a terrible night
And I want to talk to you
Because you always make me
Forget the pain
And nothing seems as bad
When I'm with you

But I can't talk to you
I don't know how

I want my best friend back
But  you don't
Want me here

I miss the feeling
Of being tangled up with you
The touch of your lips
Brushing my forehead

It scares me
When you come too close
All these feelings
Hit me at once
Leaving my heart shuddering
And my head spinning

I've never been a fan of vertigo