I'm haunted by the ghosts of everything I never said

I haven't been sleeping lately
You're wandering into
My thoughts
And keeping me up
You haven't said you love me in a while
I wonder if it's still true
I don't want to keep you
On a line like you think I do
I can't lose you again
I don't think you get that
Because you think so lowly of me
That I'm starting to believe you
I can't handle your disapproval
You make me want go insane

I've been missing you lately
I've been missing us lately

They say distance
Makes the heart grow fonder
It seems you have grown
In my heart
From 850 miles away

You lit a flame
That not even
Michigan winters
Could touch

I want to curl up
Beside you
And fall asleep
In the crook of your neck
Like you curled up
Inside my bones
To keep me warm
From within

I would be a fool
To ignore the past
But I have been a fool
For letting it
Control me

Change is inevitable
For the future
And impossible
For the past
All we can do
Is look forward
In belief that we can
Make it better
Than before

You and I
Have changed
As individuals
And as a pair
The mistakes we have made
Have changed us
And molded us
Into who we are

Maybe the future us
Could be better
Than the past us
Take a leap of faith
With me

I am a horrible liar
I am not good at
Pretending
So I don't know how long
I can keep up this
Act

Even after everything
You've always been the one
To make me laugh
Through pouring tears
And forget why
I cried in the first place

I wish
I were the kind of person
Who could let everything
Roll of their back
I wish I could laugh
In the face of trouble
And take it on
With my head held high

I watched you crumble
You went through hell
And I could only sit by
But you didn't need help
You overcame yourself
Your body was destroying itself
And you fought back
Nothing could keep you
Down
Nothing could defeat your spirit
When you were at your worst
You became your strongest

I can't forget you
Not simply because
I loved you
But you inspired me
Changed me
Proved to me that
Nothing is impossible

I've known you
For three years
But it may as well
Have been
Our entire lives

We didn't grow up together
But you grew into me
And I into you
So our lives
Are entwined
Irreversably
You discovered parts of me
That I didn't know
Existed
You never changed me
But you made me
The best version
Of myself

I cannot cast you away
You are not a thought
Or a memory
You reside in my bones
You trickle through my veins
You are a corner of my heart
I owe the wrinkles on my face
To all the times
You made me smile
I'll never lose
The parts of you
That make up me

Big city life calls
To me
The anonymity of
Fast-paced
Anxiety
Forms an intricate
Anthole world
Tiny creatures constantly
Moving
Scurrying
Hurrying
Each tangled in their own
Complicated web
Connected in some
Way to everyone
Else

The lights call my name
Wait for me

I used to be the girl
Who swore she would never
Drink
I promised I would never
Smoke
I never imagined
Having ***

Now I'm the girl
Who drinks occasionally
Because sometimes
It's easier to forget
Than to face reality

Maybe I'll become
The girl who smokes
To prove everyone wrong
Or the girl who *****
To hide her insecurity

Maybe I'll become
Everything I swore
I could never be

How come I never want to do anything fun?
Why do I only tell boring stories?
You're stuck in a routine and it's ******* the life out of you
Or maybe that was just me

But I guess I shouldn't feel sorry for myself
It's not like I haven't heard it all before

You make me so mad
It blinds me
I'm choking on my words
Trying to
Spit them
Down your throat
I won't play your games
I'm done
Feeding into your little
Twisted fantasy
I'm the only person
Who isn't afraid
To tell you the
Truth
To your face
It's not my problem
If you can't accept
The truth
And an apology
Enjoy eternal loneliness

I used to float
Weightless and free
In a sea of blue green
But now I'm just drowning
Slipping father under
There's no way out
Of this blue green
Abyss

I cannot write this poem
My words simply
Do not do it justice
I cannot tell you
Exactly how I feel
Words have no meaning
My only chance
Of communication
Is my body
My limbs speak a language
Without words
Merely motion
Sometimes sound
But lately it seems
That my body has grown
Tired
And can no longer
Spell out
My thoughts
I'm losing my language
My native tongue
I cannot speak

I cannot describe the feeling
That pulses through me
Every time your lips
Dust across mine
With a smile

My only explanation
Is each kiss
Causes another crack
In my already
Splintered heart

I've never liked the taste
Of hard liquor
Because it sets me ablaze
Burning me alive
But this empty bottle
Is more like lava
Scorching me slowly
Leaving me numb
Just the way I like it

Cotton ***** on a field of glass
Suspended by a thread
Clinging to last resorts
Lazily chase each other
And I float among them
Wishing I could never
Come down

What do you do
When you love someone
But they aren't
What's best for you

We have tried
To be together
Many times
And each time
Ended the same
In heartbreak
And fighting

We have tried
To be apart
Many times
And each time
Is the same
With jealousy
And loneliness

We crave each other
Yet we never work
We're attractive
And repulsive
This twisted electromagnetivity
Keeps me to you
And pushes me away
So I guess
We'll just pulsate
In a constant state
Of confusion

I am torn

Half of me
Wants us back
Rekindling
The love we had
Making new memories

Half of me
Knows we aren't
Meant to be

It kills me knowing
What I want most
Is what's worst for me
For us

I can't be your friend
I can't be your lover
I never know
Where we stand

I fit into your arms
But I'm afraid
If I go back now
I'll never be able
To leave

Your kisses are like crack
And baby I'm
Addicted
The touch of your lips
Sends my heart into
Dangerous palpitations
The world disappears
When you whisper
Your poisonous love
Into my skin
Saying goodbye has never
Been so
Impossible
These withdrawals
Might be the death
Of me
But it's worth it
Ask me to pick my
Poison
I'll pick you every time

I sometimes wonder
If I have ever given someone
Butterflies

If they tingle inside
When I smile
And shyly tuck my hair
Behind my ear

If they melt a little
When I laugh at their jokes
And fire one back at them

If their stomach
Twists in knots
When I listen to them
Like they're the only thing
That matters

I wonder
If I have ever driven someone crazy
With every little thing
I do
Maybe I will
Someday

It's a cruel cycle
We've become a rut
And I can predict
Our future
The harder I cling
To our past and memories
The easier it is
For you to forget them
But as soon as I
Begin to look forward
You pull my hair
And whisper in my ear
As soon as I begin to give
You turn your back again
We never seem
To face each other
So maybe
We should stand
Side by side

There are so many things
I want to say
but my brain is all fuzzy
and nothing makes sense
except for the fact
that I can still feel your lips
on mine

hey there eugene
it's me
rapunzel

i've been wanting to talk
but i know you're hurting
it's my fault
so you don't have to
keep reading
but i'd like it if you did

i messed things up tonight
i tried to step out of
my tower
into the big kid world
but i tripped
and fell on my face
like always

i told you i wouldn't do it
i promised i'd stay safe
i tried to keep
my promise
but see, someone stole from me
he pulled on my hair
and called my name
i didn't want to leave
my tower
but i let him
pull me down

eugene im scared
i hate this tower
i wish i knew
all of it's secrets
but i'm still learning
now, that fall taught me a lesson
i know i needed
but how many falls
will it take
before i learn?

you trusted me tonight
and i know i
let you down
so if you're still reading
im still lying here
with a bump on my
head
to match the splinters in my
heart
i can't get back
to my tower
without my
eugene

i don't deserve your help
i don't deserve
you at all
i'm greedy for
wanting you to
stick around
and help me up
when i fall
but i've always promised
to brush you off too
please do not forget
how i healed the **** on
your hand
im trying to heal the ****
i left on your
heart

i need you eugene
i hope you
don't hate me too much
after all
you helped me
see the light

The worst part
About walking away from
The very thing that
Saved me
Is that I don't
Have a
Choice

Someone once asked me
To describe how it felt
To be in love

And I found myself describing
How it felt to be
With you

I wanna get drunk
Belligerently drunk
To the point where
I can't tell
The difference between
The lie on your lips
And the truth in your eyes

Maybe you'd be happier
If I never existed
I hate myself
For causing you pain
And stress
Because I want to be
The one to make everything bad
Just go away
But then I myself
Would have to
Disappear

For your sake
I would

The backseat of
His car smells
Like bonfire
And whiskey
And him
He trailed his
Sleepy fingers
Down my spine
And split me open
For him
I knew I was doomed
When he told me
He believed in me
Because I was worth
Believing in

Falling asleep
Would be a wonderful way
To die
To simply
Dream forever
To sail among the stars
With your lost lover
For an eternity
Nothing can be so bad
When you're
Dreaming

the rain taps his
drumming song
on my windshield
but even he cannot
drown out
the sound of your
absense

It hurts
To breathe too deeply
Maybe it would be easier
To not breathe
At all

I wonder if it makes you stronger
To make me weak
Do you get those muscles
From my lack of
Dignity?
You pull your power
From my weary heart
Because I am
An inexhaustible source
Drain my soul
And I'll still be here
Begging for you to
Come back

I was never a jealous person
Until I met you
I envy your sheets
That comfort you
In your restless sleep
I envy the sun
That kisses your face awake
In the tired morning
I envy the cold
That settles into your bones
And stirs your blood
I am a jealous person
Because I want to be
Something you need
But I am not

I have always thought
That you were the
Only person
Who could make me smile
When it seemed impossible

But you are not here
I am alone
With my tea
And my overwhelming
Thoughts

I am the only one
Who can cheer myself up
Because I am the only one
Who can truly
Bring myself down
And I deserve better
Than to wallow
In my misery

Maybe if I get drunk by myself
No one will stop me
From erasing all the pain

I can drink myself numb
And cry myself dry
Until I feel nothing

I'm sick of feeling too much
All the time
Maybe I'll get drunk by myself

There is so much I want to tell you,
But you do not
Know me yet so I think
It would scare you
Away

You made jokes about my
Goth phase in eighth grade
And you had no idea how
Close to home you
Were
All I wanted to tell you was
How the only reason my arms
Are clean
Is because I couldn't find
Something sharp enough

You asked about my best friend
And reminded me of all
The hurt that I make it easy
To feel
I am the easiest person to destroy
Because no one feels
A thing
And I feel everything

I wanted to tell you about the book
I read but
I know you don't like reading
And I didn't want you to see how
Vulnerable
I was when I read the letters
And the confession
And almost lost my
Mind

I can't keep it together
And I wish you were someone
I could tell but you
Don't know me
Yet
And all I'm good at is
Changing people's minds

Do you want to know why
I write so much poetry about you?
Yeah
Sometimes I wonder too

Maybe it's because I never wanted
To be over you
You neglected me for months
So I forced myself
Out of love
But never really fell
Out of love

Maybe it's because you're my best friend
Or you used to be
Things will never be the same again
As much as I wish
They could be

Maybe it's because you're the first
Love of my life
And you're still so present
It's hard to be around you
And not be in love with you

Maybe it's because I cant move on
The way you are
I don't want to fall in love again
Because I don't want to forget you
But you're trying to
Forget me

So ill keep filling this space
With empty promises
And for-the-nights
I'm not ready for a new lover
Maybe you are
I have no right to care anymore
But I still do

Sometimes I wonder why

I have been perpetually
Exhausted
But sleep only comes
Easy
When I'm in your arms

I have two months
And seventeen days
Until our every day
Conversations
End

And it *****
Going even one night
Without hearing
From you

If you look up "love"
In the dictionary
There shouldn't be
A definition
"Love" cannot be confined
By a sentence
Or a phrase
If you ask me
What I think "love" is
I could not answer
In words

All I know is
When you look at me
With those *******
Ocean eyes
And grin at me
With the smile that
Stops my world,
I feel the pressure of my heart
Compressing
And expanding
Simultaneously

I can't tell you
How I know I'm in love
I can only love you
And hope that it's
Enough

Maybe one day
I'll come to terms
With the truth

I am not yours
And you do not want me

All I wanted was a fairytale
A handsome prince
And a white horse
I looked for magic
In people and places
Who knew nothing of the sort
I dreamed about roses
And dancing in the moonlight
Forever hoping that one day
I would be swept off my feet

Maybe fairytales exist
You proved that magic exists
But you also showed me
The thorns in the rose
I've been waiting in this tower long enough

The problem with creativity
Is the fantasies my mind
Entice me with
To disguise the reality
That I'm trying to
Ignore

I crave
Open spaces
Endless skies
The freedom of
Emptiness

I want to climb
To the tops of mountains
Lose my breath
To the clouds
And the morning sky

I could float in the sea
On a single boat
And lose my mind
To the coldness
Of the stars

Let me explore the spaces
Of the Earth
And fill the emptiness
With my energy
I want to spread my soul
To the corners
Of the world
I want to
Escape

We could be friends
With memories
That we try to suppress

We could smile at each other
Passing by in the halls
And forget to take route
Where we surely meet

We could wave to each other
From across the room at prom
Whilst entwined in the arms of
Someone else

We could congratulate each other
On graduation day
Before rushing off to celebrate
With families and friends

We could say goodbye before college
One last gathering
Before we go our
Separate ways

We could meet again
Fifteen years from now
And reminisce on the good old days

We could be friends
And wonder
If we could have been

The harshness of this winter
Has taken a hold on me
The cold has seeped it's way
Into my blood
And wrapped it's
Delicate fingers around
My bleeding heart
The frost traces
Intricate patterns
Across my worn skin
And freezes in tiny crystals
In my hair and eyelashes
My eyes know no warmth
They pierce with the chill
Of arctic winds
Ensnaring unsuspecting passerby
In a caressing grip
The flame has gone out of me
Replaced by sheer ice
My frostbitten heart
Pumps only icicles
Slicing through my body
Building up walls
Made of crystal