It isn't easy
To love myself again
If all I hear
Are more reasons
Convincing me that I'm
Worthless

I can't change
Back to who I was
To who I want to be
When I'm being held by memories
That you can't seem to
Let me forget

I make mistakes
A lot
Because I learn the hard way
I wish my best friend
Could accept me
But maybe I've done too much
Taken it too far
Maybe there's no
Turning back

I can't bear the thought
Of seeing your face
In my rear view mirror

They say if you love something
To let it go
But they didn't know you

I can't put to words
The magnitude of what
I'm about to lose

I'm writing snippets of bad poetry
And missing you already
You've fried my mind and
You don't even know it

You'll use the excuse
That tastes like apple
And burns like poison
To justify your lust
And your desire to hurt
But drunk actions
Are honest thoughts
And you have never been more
Truthful

I will not
Kneel at your door
And beg for you
Back

I will apologize
In some hope
That you will
Forgive me

But I will not
Grovel at your feet
As if
I cannot live
Without you

I gave you
My apology
I will not beg
I will wait
Don't expect me
To come running
After you
If all you do
Is walk
Away

I wish I was a tattoo
Permanent and unforgettable
But all I am is pencil
Already half-erased
Wishing I hadn't been
Such a mistake

On our first date
At the movie theater
You told me your hands were cold
So I would hold them
And keep them warm

Now my hands are cold
And your presence lingers
In a scent
On my sweatshirt

I've been living in an expectation
I am a series of checked boxes
Containing everything
I used to be

I've been living in the shadow of my past
In words and vows I made
Once upon a time

I've been changing
Who I used to be exists only
In the memories of those clinging
To their pasts

I've been growing up
Exploring the world as I never have before
Challenging my fears and testing my limits
Living for myself
Instead of for those
Who mold me into the expectation
Of everything I
Used to be

It gets awfully lonely
Without a haven
A safe home
To turn to
When all hope seems
Lost

I destroyed my haven
I set you ablaze and left you to
Burn
I turned my back
When I should have stayed
By your bed
In your darkest
Hour

You've been rebuilt
By a different
Homemaker
Who kindles a flame
Within you
And tends to it
With care

I watch from the cold
While you are warmed
By new light
And wonder
If I'll ever be home
Again

My mother is a vegetarian
I grew up on tofu and kale
We eat meatless meatballs
And always try new organic foods
I know about healthy

Your are the candy
I convince myself I don't need
But still eat anyway

You poison my body
Spreading through my veins
Infecting me
From the inside out

You chip away at my strength
Deteriorate my self esteem
So I'm convinced I need you

I know about healthy
So how did I end up
In such an unhealthy place?

I am a goddess
I am strong
I am powerful
I will knock the wind out of you
Make you beg for air
I will bring you to your knees
Pray before you enter the chapel
Of my body
I am a palace
And you should consider it an honor
To enter into my halls
I am made of light and fire
Do not forget that I will blaze and burn
I cannot be quenched
I am an untouched treasure
Pure and rare
Do not disgrace me
Or discard me
I am a goddess
And I refuse to be treated
Like anything
Less

I want to stargaze
With someone
Who wants to have a conversation
About the universe
And their life

I want to explore
With someone
Who will climb over
Roots and rivers
And uncover secrets

I want to drive
With someone
Who will just talk to me
Over winding roads
And long lost paths

I am not looking for a lover
I do not want to be replaceable
I'm not concerned with getting
Swept off my feet
I can stand on my own

I am looking for a friend
Someone who will call me at 3 AM
Drunk and crying and seeking advice
That only I can give
I want a best friend
Not a lover

You are gone
But you left yourself
In parts of me
That now feel
Hollow

I have been raised in a church
To believe that love between
Two people
A man and a woman
Is sacred
They taught me
Only people who love each other
Can have ***
I have grown up
Believing in futures and eternal love
And the idea that the man
Who holds me in his arms
And takes my innocence
Will be the one
Who holds my child
With the same tenderness

I do not believe
In promises of forever
The man who steals
What I've protected
For so long
Will never meet my children
It's time to wake up
And step outside these sacred walls
I cannot hide
Under the blanket of ignorance
Anymore

You held me in your arms again last night
And I swear
I've never felt more
At home

Digging a little deeper
In the pit of my
Worthlessness
You crush me
With the weight of your
Unspoken honesty
And pent up
Hatred

I don't know how to love you
I can't love
The man who fixed me
The same way I loved
The man who broke me
But you fill the spaces I have
You mold to me
And you've molded
Parts of me
You left your fingerprints
On my heart
And your scent leaves my brain
In a haze
You and I
Are not perfect people
But we complement each other
And your hold on me
Is stronger than I ever
Anticipated
I love my ******* best friend
Because you're mine
I don't know how to love you
The way you
Deserve

It would be nice
To escape my brain
Just for an hour
Or so

I wouldn't have to think
About everything
That weighs me down
Maybe if I had no brain
I could fly

I wouldn't have to worry
About everything
That holds me back
Maybe without a brain
I could break free

I could escape
The thoughts
That plague my mind
And poison my body
Maybe I could be
Clean

It might be nice
To take a break from
My brain and my mind
Sometimes sanity
Is just too much
Of a burden

If you had her
You would not need me
To remind you
Of all the sweet memories
The passion we had

You'd be making new memories
Maybe you're thinking
Of her
While you're looking
At me

Because you know
What I will give you
But it isn't me
You want it from

Break me in two
Breathe your cursed name
Into my lungs
Pump my heart
Full of your toxic
Presence
Twist my arm
Behind my back
And pour your
Manipulation
Down my spine

Leave me on the floor
This is just another
Love poem

i think the day
i stop writing poetry
about you
will be the day
you stop reading it

the day you stop
wondering
about my life
and how im doing

or maybe you already have

So I'm the *****
Because I kissed a boy
Who likes girls and *****
A bit too much

But you're going after
The girl with a steady boyfriend
Who you know will fall for you
Like she did last time

Tell me how it's fair to call me names
And say I'm a bad person
When you're no better
Yourself

I am a writer and a romantic
Late at night my thoughts
Start to sound poetic

The curve of your spine
Molds to mine
And becomes my cocoon

The sound of your voice
Gritty and **** in the dark
Becomes my melody
Calming my eager heart

The ridges in your fingerprints
Become tattooed on my bones
And my muscles respond
At their recognition

Your breath warm on my neck
Sending little icicles
Through my nervous system
That warm my fingers and toes

Lay with me in the dark
Speak to me in words
And I will read you
In poetry

Kiss me like you need me
Like you're drowning
And my lips are the last
Breath of air

Kiss me like you missed me
Like you're clutching at
Strings and I'm a
Violin

Kiss me like it's our last
Like you're running down
The sands of time and
Slipping through the cracks

Kiss me with passion
Like you mean it
Put everything you could never say
Into your sigh
Don't let go

I lingered
A second longer
Because all I wanted
Was too look up
And see you coming towards me
But you turned out the lights
And I was alone

Why can't I
Stop loving you?

I never knew what the word dysfunctional meant
Until I met you
Because our relationship
Is completely
Hopeless
Expendable
Malfunctional
Complicated
You don't feel anything anymore
Because of me
I took everything you had
And hung you out to dry
Left you broken and empty
And then took some more
I feel too much
Because of you
You stormed into my life
And took my breath away
Gave me every emotion I've ever felt
And some I never knew existed
We hate each other
For everything we've done to another
But we love each other
For everything we've been through
I want to scream at you until my throat bleeds
Then collapse into your arms and cry
Because even though you're the one
Who breaks me
You're the only one
Who can fix me

Play me like a
Marionette
Tighten your hold
On the strings of
My emotions
And control my motion
With the flick
Of a finger

I am growing weary
Of this puppet show
It's been too long
Since I told my own limbs
How to move
Cut the chords
And watch me dance
On my own

I don't want to go home
Where your presence lingers
In my sheets
I can't keep pretending you are there
I can't keep pretending you want to be
Sleep is the only escape
But you stole that from me too

i want to be a cardiologist
maybe then i'll understand
why my heart skips
when you graze my skin
and why it splinters
when i hear his name

i want to be an ophthalmologist
maybe then i'll understand
the novel in your eyes
that your lips cannot express
and the daggers in his stare
that burned me as i passed

i want to be pulmonologist
maybe then i'll understand
the way i lose my breath
when you sigh my name into my lips
and the way my lungs shuddered
when his red-rimmed eyes pierced my will

maybe if i learn medicine
ill be able to explain
why i feel the way i do
for you
or ill find a cure for
heartbreak
so i will finally be free
of him

I don't know how to tell you to be gentle
My skin might dissolve under your touch like the way
Your eyes melt my
Insides
And my knees might crumple
When I see your smile
And I'll curl up into the
Curve of your dimples
When you breathe your name
Into my trembling lips
And I'm fragile
So I need you to be
gentle

I hope someday
When you've grown up
Figured it out
Moved on
I hope you remember
The girl you met
At freshman homecoming
How you swore it was
Love at first sight
I hope you remember chasing her
For a whole year
Vowing to never
Let her get away
I hope you remember loving her
And her loving you
Under the stars
On the dance floor
In her car
Secret nights spent
Driving aimlessly until
Silence fell easy
I hope you remember losing her
Giving up on her
Watching your love fade
Realizing only after she left
Exactly what you had
I hope you remember her
Your high school sweetheart
Your first true love
Your best friend
She won't forget you

After midnight my mind
Becomes a graveyard
Haunted by
What-if ghosts and
Could-have-been ghouls

Their whispers might make me insane

It seems
I have been misplaced
Again

I no longer belong
In the niches
I used to fit perfectly into

I don't seem
To occupy
The same spaces
That seemed like they were
Meant for me

Someone changed the puzzle
And I am still a piece
Of a different jigsaw
My corners do not match
My shape does not mold
To the same places
I once belonged

I am out of place
And I fear
There will never be
A space
For me

for a moment
i thought
i could do this

i could be someone else
someone new
someone foreign
out of character

i don't regret my experiences
because they make me
who i am
so i won't regret you
i'll just regret
how you happened

so that's not me
i'm not someone else
i'm not what anyone expects
i'm not willing
to give my all
for someone who gives me
nothing

i'll figure me out someday
but in the meantime
i'll make more mistakes
like you
and not regret mistakes
like you
and learn from mistakes
like you

so thank you
for being a mistake
because now i
know

Jealousy
Is not a hatred
Of another
And their possessions

Jealousy
Is a hatred
Of one's self
For lacking
Something
That another has

I am jealous of her
Because your friendship with her
Is easy
Simple
The way we used to be
I hate myself
Because I cannot
Be that good
To you
Or for you
And I'll never forgive myself for it

If I am a sinking ship
Then you are a
Hurricane
Swallowing me whole and
Folding me into you

If I am a sunset
Then you are
The night sky
Melting into me and
Taking me over

If I am a poet
Then you are my
Greatest love poem
Your smile inspires sonnets
And your kiss sends tremors
Through my heartstrings

You are my fairy tale
Charging into my life
And rescuing me from
Who I was becoming
Prince Charming has nothing on you

If you ever feel alone
Look to the stars
And I promise
I'm looking at them
Too

I need to know
That I won't wake up tomorrow
To cold sheets
And a new hole
In my heart

I need to know
That a few sips
Or a whole fifth
Won't make you
Forget me

I need to know
That I can give you
All I have and more
And you will stay
Until our inevitable
Separation

I need to know
That you will be
My best friend
And believe in me
When I can't believe
In myself

I just need to know
That love can last
Forever

Funny how the memory
Of two simple words
Can cause such
Staggering loneliness

*don't go

You used to tell me
You always looked back
Whenever we parted
I wish I knew
If that was true
Because now
I'm the one
Always glancing back
To the bittersweet pain
Of watching you
Walk away

Love is not an
Obligation
Love does not come from
Pity
So don't tell me
What you think
I want to hear
The truth is better than
Any lie

You are the kind of person
Who craves
Adrenaline
The rush of finding
Something new
The hunger in chasing
What you want

I am not new
I am a comfort
A familiarity
A constant
Nothing new
No adrenaline
Like an old book
Or an old shoe
That always seems to fit

I do not want to be an old shoe
I bore you
And I'm no rush
You don't have to chase
What has always been
So easy

I don't have anything
To excite you with
You don't have fun
Flirting with me
I can't help but wonder
If it's me you want to love again
Or the idea of me

We used to be in love
Not even once upon a time

We used to go for drives
And spend hours
Just talking

We sang to each other
Badly
But we smiled through
The words

We held hands
Kissed each other
Goodbye

Fell asleep together
Made memories together

We had the kind of love
That some people spend
An entire lifetime
Trying to find

We were best friends
And lovers
In the most innocent
Sense of the word

I wonder if you remember
Loving me

I am alone
But I have never felt
So alive

I am no longer bound
By guilt and insecurity
These voices in my head
Are on my side again
The people surrounding me
Support me
And see the light within
My darkness

I never have to be anything
More or less
Than everything I want to be
I owe it to myself
To open the doors
And let my potential go

the moon rests her heavy head
on the horizon's weary shoulders
and skips stones of hydrogen and helium
across a jet black pond of her doubt
scattering schools of gravity
and kicking up clouds of gas and dust
leaving them to settle in a
carefully disarray of beginnings

I can't tell you
Who I am
In 250 words
Or less

My test scores
Say nothing
About the way my smile
Lights up my face
When I talk about
Something I love

My GPA tells you
Nothing
About the way
I react
To stressful situations

I can't describe
My life
With words on a page
Because letters
Don't show you
The tilt of my head
Or the expressions
On my face

I am not a statistic
Or a number
I am a girl
With reasons to love
And dreams to fulfill

Do not put me
In a box
I will color
Outside the lines
And draw circles
Inside of squares

I am not a number
Do not count me
With the rest
But never
Count me out

I don't want to
think about
You
anymore

*please stop

I know exactly how your lips will feel
The moment before they brush mine
Yet your kisses never fail
To take my breath away

I know exactly the path your fingers will trace
Along my cheek to the back of my neck
Yet your touch never fails
To electrocute my skin

I know exactly the look in your eyes
Before you lean your face towards mine
Yet your gaze never fails
To paralyze me

We are an oxymoron
Inexplicable
But we are also puzzle pieces
Perfectly seamless

You say the reason
You can't let me go
After all I've done to you
Is because there's a tiny thing
In your heart
Just something
That tells to
Not to let me go
You don't know what that something is
But I think I do
Because I have it too

I can't let you go
Because part of my heart
Is made up of
You
And I think
Part of your heart
Is made up of me
Too

***** is my drug of choice
It's like an oxymoron
Burning as it soothes the senses
But tonight I took a voyage
With thieves and pirates and scoundrels
There was no burn
In my chest
Until the captain
Kissed my lips
And sent me overboard

Their eyes follow me
Their whispers hit my back
Like the dagger you
Split me with
Everyone knows
That I am not fine
And I am lying
When I act like it
Their looks of pity
Burn in my stomach
And behind my eyes

I do not need pity
I am not weak
I will do whatever it takes
To become myself again
To stand up for myself
I will not bow