Admitted affection
or fear of rejection,
accepted attention from sweet souls
or incite admiration from attractive ones
Skinny-dipped, touched lips
with anyone
or even hold their hand,
been free
or properly controlled myself when necessary,
only potentially destructive
but without the nerve to do so,
never fully accepting though the concept makes sense,
I read a book or two on the topic,
the practice much less tangible,
maybe only for the few who have the guts to try,
not for those who sit and wait for confidence to make a move
to play Russian Roulette with another
I never owned a gun but still shot myself in the foot
same place, again and again
just stuff myself with food and alcohol
numbness better than reality
right?
Not quite
I exist to try to live though it's so simple it's a mockery to attempt to apply words to the concept
stand up stand proud sing
be the type of person you admire
never have I ever
felt quite fulfilled
though maybe such things are mirages,
messages to be pretty but never found or acheived,
never have I ever
believed in my self.

I want to move on
false
I want you back
I desire for time to be rewound to the time last year
we were laying on my bed
the sun was going down
and we were just talking
listening to music
being in love
but I think you've forgotten
trying
you want me gone
and I don't understand-
it's so easy to me,
if you love someone, love them.
End of story.
If they're worth it
you will fight.
But it seems to me
that you forgot how worthy I am
orphaned heart left to learn how to breathe again,
to go about each day
beating weakly,
trying
to grow stronger
trying
to forget that it was forgotten
trying
to just get by
and hoping
you'll remember
just what it is
that makes being apart so painful

I love the smell of toxic waste in the morning
licking gum off the floor
hopping off wagons and onto rabid rabbits
lemme get yo numbah
how much you got?
You on salary?
Get tips?
Wanna see me put my fist in my mouth?
I wanted to go to college
but sometimes life is funny,
you know
like a darkly written novel
adapted into an even darker film
then watched by a suicidal tween who writes the lines on his walls
fires burn but also give life
think of the forests
doubled edged pinky ring
nothing too dangerous
just thinking such things
stop being silly
stop assuming
***** that ***** who is perfect and has the attention of your attention
let's just have some fun and torch a bank
make sure the money is good and scorched.

May I just say
That you are more lovely
More imaginative
Than any I have ever experienced;
You put the D in my Day
The smile on my laugh
Make me feel all kinds of silly
As if falling
Down a wonderful hole
And I keep falling and falling
And just when I think I’ve reached some sort of destination
You appear
And the journey continues
And we fall together
Because nobody else is around,
It’s just me and you
And our tumbles of ridiculous words
Not knowing which way is up
But it’s ok
Because as long as you’re by my side
Touching my fingers
Breathing the same existence
I know it’s ok to be me and to be us
And to be
And it’s beautiful,
Knowing you’re in this world
Walking its planes, seeing its glory
And it makes my ribs feel like they’re expanding with all of the sun’s light,
Stars in your mouth
And it’s alright
To lose time and money and energy
Because with you
All is found.

So you think I'm cool, huh?
Witty.
Lovely.
What gives you the right to form those opinions?
Who are you to enjoy my presence?
If you really knew my desires,
my thoughts,
you'd know I'd rather be left alone.
Actually,
I'd rather be mauled by rabid tigers
than see the appreciation on your face
or to hear you laugh at my words.
They are not for you,
none of it is.
You can be mine
if you wish,
but I can never be yours;
I would cease to be myself.
I'd be smothered and sweaty,
and really,
I just want to drive as far away in the opposite direction
windows down
hair slicing my face
until you no longer exist.

I see you on beautiful days
the kind that make your heart stop and your mind take mental pictures,
when the sun is setting just rightly enough
that shadows are long but the day isn't sad because it's ending,
merely continuing its natural cause-
you are in those shadows,
your figure mirrored in their calm, lenghty presence
and in the words of the birds
speaking joyfully-
it's you they gossip and sing for.
The little fragments of light on the water
when the wind hits it like a painting
those are your eyes
your smile
the gentle paper noise of the leaves on their branches
that is your voice
speaking to me in a way nobody else has ever tried
a different language
all our own.
You're in the air itself
so clear and cool and mind numbingly brilliant
it's all you
even miles and hours apart
even while you're doing your actions and I'm completing my routine
and even when I feel lonely without you to enjoy such a wonderful sight
you are already here,
to selflessly make the sensations of existence just that much better.

Pitter- Patter-
no more,
just shut up
can't take
nervey nerves
so dumb
no big deal
just feels
out of place
in my face
can't escape
shouldn't
would be a regret
until then
sweats and snips
no relief
not in usual pain killers or thrillers
just thinking far ahead
when everything will be
anxious for another reason.

nevertheless
can't help but remember
what happend that day-
not so fun, huh?
not a proud moment in any of those 24 hours,
just nostalgic
destruction
wanting to go anywhere
to not think about there
here
and now and again
I return to those moments
not to reflect per se
but to induce vomitting-
not so fun
being compared to undesirables,
and yet
so fitting
in a way
or five hundred,
it's you.

It's time to get xenophillic and leave home for a bit.
My place is nice- loving and airy,
but it's feeling a little too little and crowded
and I have many fears of close walls.
I think I need to get oh so very lost and embark on my own personal odyssey;
I need to be uncomfortable and alone, afraid and poor
in order to feel alive.
This departure will arrive sooner than realized
and mostly I think I just want to forget and put distance between my thoughts and my feelings.
I need to run to the mountains and jump to the tallest tip-top and scream out my soul
until my brain echoes and time rewinds
and I can have impersonal close relationships and feel ok with being mediocre.
I want to fall from craggy cliffs into carnivorous waters
and live to drink delicious poison.
I want to be reckless and break some bones
and wake up in another country with a panda.
I just need to stop emoting and start being irresponsible.

Cleans like bleach
Mr. Magic does
liquifies organs and minds
nice of him though,
makes decisions for others
though they claim to want control
they really want answers
results
someone to say "Hey, here's how your life will be; no questions."
Mr. Magic
a mad machine
flushes eyes out with Listerine
doesn't need trademarking
just free parking
on the roofs of other cars
cherry stars
eats them one by one with the blood of
Christ it's hot out today
Mr. Magic
mop up this heat
we need slower heart beats
our veins getting runny
he'll help though
brillant guy
class act fer- sure
just tell me this Mr. Magic:
why so sad
all the time?

I can make you talk
walk on coals
I like to think
I'm a tiger
elegant and powerful
but I'm not a liar,
won't fool myself
into believing
I'm a whole lot more
than a kitten with a crown
snoozing
while the big cats demolish buildings with their roars.

Just too eager
easy, wanting attention
affection, direction
the comes and the goes
love me ******
fawn
call me gorgeous
if you mean it
and even if you don't
I get off on knowing desire
desire it
desire me
lustycravings
instability
balancing on air
falling into temptation
don't deliver me from evil
want to get there ASAP
if it calls me pretty.

I don't want to be seen
I just want to be read
or heard without having to speak or make any kind of effort.
I don't want to have to make acquaintances
I'd rather just have us be life long friends and forego the introductions
and awkwards and explaining of favorites and flaws
I just want it to be known all my weirdnesses and quirks
and be left alone when I need to be in time out
but still liked when I get out and decide it's possible to be human again.

I would never
or would I
hard to tell
when it's you
easy to analyze someone on the outside
doesn't need all the facts
a proper conclusion
but from the inside
can't really say
how you feel about the day
or if it even matters
or if it should to you
difficult to know for sure
if the bugs bite for your blood
or because you're already decomposing
so what is it, exactly
which is more accurate
are you alive and thriving
or slowly rotting inside
each step closer
to a less than legendary hault

Got the shingles
the shakes
the quakes
and not in good ways
just old days
no pay, can't afford
to miss it
must do it all
and fast
before it's gone
I'm gone
nothing but a memory
that all else will forget
but have to be happy
yes
must do it all
jump from every cliff
scream every note
of every song
then make some up
and make some out
and make some love
and paint bodies colors that are too perfect for skin
too analogous
mix them all up
melt them
any way possible
must be quick
run
run until the molecules that make the body
fall apart from exhaustion
dissipate
become a part of the universe;
they will be dispersed
and each atom
each fiber
each silk string of theoretical maybeness
will know what has been done,
can tell an infinite number of stories
and they will each
be moments in time
replayed for the pleasure
of only me.

well well well
what do we have
there
and around this bend
over-exertion
extending into
what I like to call
reality
of some kind
not so kind
or so mean
but a neutral time and place
intermingling in his face
inside of it
so silly right
to imagine being so complete
you know
like there's no holes
at all
just a whole
but complacent
like a lamb
and I shall be
a solvent in veins
scratching at the door
that lets the brightest of the thinkers
into the dark.

We don't know we're young
which is a shame
because we would take things less seriously
live the lives
that others would want to experience vicariously
we would stop pretending
to have self respect;
we haven't earned it yet,
too busy
trying to impress others
"friends"
when really
they don't care,
just want us
to make the calls
so they don't look out of place-
if we knew we were young
we would embrace every breath
knowing that it is as clear and pure as it will ever be
that it won't get better
our bodies are in their best condition
top knotch
they want to be appreciated by other bodies
and should be
but not when they're too close for comfort
and even then
most of all
learning that we are young
that we are getting old
makes the cringes all the more worthwhile

night goes on
goes on
and wh oare we
to say what is what
not us
we aren't
much of anyhitng
but a bit of spunchen
right that
just waiting for the night
to go on
and on
into oblivion
like ****
the night goes on
and on
and then
we realize our lives
and we say
that's what's up
because we can't say much else
except to wamp
and belive in tomorrow
because what else
provides such hope
as finding a new day every day

Sounds like:
you know,
got a head in a musky chiminey
you and me
we're not so different
not so evolved
just play **** erectus
walking tall on all twos
but our minds are a stew
filthy, grimey
yum
want some
?

as bob dylan said:
let freedom ring,
ring like a tree in the fall
crisp and burnt
until cold
echoing on sidewalk
call it a morning of sorts,
the kind where everything feels right
with your soul
and it melts into the physical world
much like descartes may have liked
or contested
but also much like I would like
to do at times,
become a part of everything
not just a something
maintain a sense of identity
within the whole scheme
of all that is,
will be hard
but really
freedom is like water,
necessary and occasionally attainable
if looking in the right places
but impossible to capture
in hands-
too physical
for such needs,
water and freedom,
representative
of a concept so simple
yet not fully understood

I think you disgust me
(most likely)
because I do not wish to enjoy you.
I chastise myself and my poor judgement
every time you cause that dreaded ***** smile on my lips.
And yet
it continues.
I think you instigate my anxiety
because your manners and unnecessary attentiveness
make my stomach squirm
in a most grotesque way
and I feel that I do not deserve such respect from such a sweet soul.
Oh, if I could,
I would hate you.
I would say terrible things to others,
but it'd be all lies
because you are all anyone could ever desire ,
a tragic example of how every male should behave.
I feel so inadequate, so vulnerable,
so terribly close and alone with you
that I must shove a barrier between us
and lust for a boy
who's as distant and hurtful
as me.

so I'm back on it
probably for the best-
hard to know how soon is too soon
not soon enough
the brain is a delicate creature
never was one for chemistry,
but I digress
it's worth a million nights of restlessness
loss of libido
a whole new mind
for the moments of not feeling quite so afraid

Go away:
I'm trying to ignore you,
be aloof
oh so desirable
and I can't do that
if you see me
seeing you
because who would want
something
so vulnerable?
You would?
Well
in that case
I would rather be
alone
and proud to be in such a state
than to get all worked up
because you may
get silly butterflies
when you are with
another girl.
You know who I am
or at least you think you know
and you like what you think
because it's what you want
and that's me-
not them,
they aren't the same,
they're boring
bad on the outside
good on the inside
but who wants that-
not you
not me
and I don't want you
if you're going to be
so whole
without my approval.

Always wanted to
paint the moon
it's lovely
the way it glows
throws shadows
they say so,
its light is beautiful
much better than the sun's
which rules the excitement
the action
and yet
it's much better
to be
under the night light
of stars and silver
who needs gold
when melted breaths
surround you

Meet me in my mind,
we both know the way.
Always on time
and bearing gifts of lust and remorse,
shame and excitement
we dissect time and space
and staple  aluminum stars to the night sky
so that we can find a path
leading to the River Styx.
Cold and milky
we drink the water until,
almost bursting,
our bellies hang low to the ants and caterpillars
who climb up and up to tickle our chins
with their many furry feet.

We stop the forward motion of history
to pick the tiny blooms and pistils
off of dainty little flowers to prevent
their future disappointments
and arguments with offspring.

Oh how lovely,
in this darkness with its lightness,
to be inhaling your spirit
your you-ness
and all that you have experienced
to make my soul smile for a moment
and forget the pitiful nature of all else.

it can be fun
to not not rhyme
or make sense
because anyways
oranges are good for sickness
which I of all people
should know
just in case
it gets too sick out there
and then
with nowhere to turn
you stumble upon
a grove of orange trees

so him right?
too perfect for anyone's good
even in his "flaws"
I see more glory than the most tearful of gorgeous moments
could bring the most dreadful of ******* to their knees
including myself-
a heartless *****
I suppose
but not so much with him,
no
with him
I am the most feeble of all human-like things,
honored to be vulnerable before him
and it's a shame
but it isn't
it's a blessing to be even considered a maybe something in his mind
let alone a one and only
and every day since the second that we met
I wake up a little bit better
more of what one should be
because I know that he Is
and knowing that he approves of me
is more important
than any pointless thought, any reluctance
a former me may have ever been silly enough to believe.

Let's say
for instance
that you make me feel
like a wild animal who wants to make you all mine
in many ways
some that you would probably find enjoyable
and let's just suggest
that I want to be
yours in just about every way you can think of
mental, theoretical and physical
of course
more than anything
I'd rather like
to be playing in your sheets
with you,
of course,
such things aren't quite as fun when alone
we can just be a couple of silly people
becoming gods
together
we can make the world beautiful
from within the privacy and secrecy
of walls
thin enough to disturb neighbors
we'll make it a little game
see who can
drive the other crazy enough
to be locked up
forever-
and ever and ever more
I will spend my hours
learning every nerve ending
every temptation
of yours
I'm a good little learner
and you're a wonderful teacher
let's just be terribly perfect
and do nothing
except each other
until the universe decides
it's time for existence to nullify
and then
we can just say
we knew happiness more than
any *******
could ever hope to lie.

So what is it
that it is
that it does
and where is he
that beautiful boy
when I need him the most
he is off
doing who knows who knows what
and he should be here,
should be
should think of me
because he doesn't
and it doesn't make me mad
it just
makes me pathetic

How were you supposed to know,
Can’t really blame you
Or me
Or any thing
But for real though,
What were you thinking?
Not about me
Not at all
Nor should you have,
But in all selfishness
You mother ******* should have.

you want what I want
when I want something you want,
which is me
wanting you-
a little funny paradox
hall of mirrors
with naked bodies
ours
you want
to use me
like a weapon
a tool
to absorb your needs
your problems
and difuse reality
so that for a while
you can feel alright
making me alright
but it's not alright
it's very wrong
and for some reason
I think it's alright

Sincerely yours,
The word of the day
Some could say,
If they had the right mind to speak such
And even if
Then and because
If there ever was
A fated line of will be’s
Would it include
Anything like this?
Like all of us, causing a fuss
In the muck of cerebral sludge
Just some lazy ole son-of-a-someone
We all are
I think
Don’t I?
Course not
If I did
Would I be
Here at all?
I would be
Out in the there
You know where,
The places I can’t see, don’t know
Because, ****.

Lazy
don't want to do a thing
laying around
is too much work
thinking of anything at all-
exhausting.
What to do
when it's so beautiful outside
and so dark inside
and yet
it's so much more rewarding
to attempt to do
nothing at all-
no breathing
no blinking
no existing
no molecules moving
just
nothing

What would you think
if today
the sky began to shrink
becoming nothing
until we were no longer protected by a blue blanket
but could only see everything
the universe
no atmosphere
no clouds
just all that truly is
lightyears away
stars and galaxies would cheer
for our courage,
our unprecedented step into the fearful truth
and we'd laugh
because it's not so scary
when all is revealed
to be nothing more
than better than you could have ever imagined.

I wish I could call you a regret
because then at least we tried.

I wish I could say you were selfish in bed
because then at least I would have felt your sheets on my skin.

I wish I could say you stopped being romantic
because then that would mean you were at some time,
and
I wish I could just find another guy to obsess over
because then
I might take a chance

Legggoo
and you know
you know
I got that good good
and you want it
see
and you need it
and it's wonderful
not going to lie
just going to be honest
and I don't know why you're being so coy
I mean ****
just tell me what you want
and I'll tell you if it's accceptable
just don't go and be dumb
with other girls
if you think
you think I'm worth something
because you aren't even that hot
for real
I know you are ****
but I need answers
and I need boys
so don't be oblivious
and don't waste my time
let's just be honest
so we can move on
cuz all I want
is to feel good

Greatest hits
never had one
but can't feel so innocent
too guilty
for such pleasures-
call it a fault of sorts
of my own-
never known quite what I want
possibly
because it isn't something to know
but to feel
and said things
are frightening,
no new revelation
at all,
but conflicting thoughts,
negligent feelings;
what do they want?
What do I want?
Do I want the affection
attention
admiration
(as if I deserve them)
or would I truly be happier
left alone
almost bitter,
were there a reason to be,
left to be safe in solitude
never to experience discomfort
never to experience life

Just a lonely somebody
walked up and said
"How do you do
the things that seem simple
like being happy?"
Who can respond
to such blatant honesty
in a socially acceptable way?
Butterflies bloomin'
intervention season
no real reason,
but sun and moon and weather are effective
in ruining moods
we're little animals deep way down
almost cute and endearing
if it weren't for brains and opinions and feelings
then we'd be perfect little
non-humans
who wouldn't be happy
but at least we wouldn't know the difference
between two greater goods
and a hand full of disappointments.

Jab in the ribs
splintered bones
fragments of teeth
what's that?
Oh, just some fun
you know
kids being kids and such
face of mush
punch me again
it's pretty ******* fun
like the feeling
of brain reeling
flash
hook
no oxygen
just reaction
blind survival
not mad
just slowly killing
a pal
a foe
fists of limitless power
next on deck is bigger
though doesn't want it
victory
life
more than I.

cool to think
that tomorrow is another day
(if you're lucky)
and then another may follow, God willing,
(or whoever)
and that tomorrow may be wonderful
can be
will be, even if terrible
it's funny
all of it
the awful and the awesome
and tomorrow can be anything;
could be the beginning of a new everything,
the end of it all
always an adventure-
can see each person as the most unique creature on earth,
each leaf as the most beautiful,
trip to the grocery becomes a story worth remembering-
can make life worth it, if you want
and to want such a thing, well
even all would say that can't be but so selfish

Oh,
If love were an option
A yes or a no
If it were perhaps a choice that a person may allow
Once they reached the legal age to love and be loved
I would run away
From such a decision
Because it is too much of a life sentence
Too much to feel,
To be so dependent on another
To need and to be so admiring
That I believe I would become violently ill
Every moment that I awoke from my loveless slumber
And become a robot
Capable of only positivity
And I know
That I can belong only to myself.

you say you love me
then you say I hold you back
you say I'm amazing
then you laugh about how I thought "this" would last
you ignore me until I break
then you hold my hand and say you missed me.
you are more messed up than I ever imagined
and I feel embarrassed for continuously fighting a battle
that you left months ago.
I wish I could be as heartless as you-
just shut my eyes and hold my breath,
try to forget until it all just disappeared-
but I know you.
I remember when you were by my side while I cried
I remember when you told me I could never do anything to make you stop loving me
I remember
when we were just a boy and a girl, so innocent
first meeting
first kiss
first admission of love
I remember
but you want to forget
want to run away from difficult feelings and responsibility
you don't care about how I feel
and I feel an awful lot of awful
as you leave and erase me
I ache and break.
I. Hate. You.

but why can't you just love me like you used to?

I would be woven into your sheets
a necessary fixture in the framework of your box spring
tangled in a mess of us
we would pass our moments sharing a breath
a shudder
the most aggressive acts of tenderness
we use words and lips and hands and ourselves
to perform otherworldly kinds of magic
the kinds that make you laugh and cry and scream with joy
we'll kiss till our mouths become blurred,
impossible to tell whose belong to which half of us
all the same
loving until
the barrier between individuals has been demolished for certain
and certainly, we won't mind
be a relief
caved in, paved in
until one last moment of clarity
and the city of which we had worked so hard to build
has come crashing down in one last passionate upheaval

oh
my
starry *** surprise
wanna know something good?
smoke wood
and then we can
dance all night
dance all night
to this
whatever
and then when it's over
we can just
collapse
and say
**** the world
because
for real doe
it's ******* crazy
but with the right attitude
almost worth experiencing

Where are the men?
Not the boys
the guys
the dudes
I'm talking "men";
I don't want a cowboy,
no guns or big cars,
though a gym membership would be nice,
a respectful m-a-n
quiet
passionate
willing to fight for love
to look a woman (me) in the eye
and say "I'm scared"
to cook dinner every once in a while
to write a heartfelt poem
and remember that you like wine and not beer,
to plan special dates for your anniversary
to treat you like the intelligent woman you are

I know they exist
maybe met a few before
I just wish
they could teach my heart
to stop pining
for a little boy
whose heart moved on before I grew up.

I know, I know
I just don't want to accept.
I want to alter people
their feelings
and stupid reactions
but how?
Thinking and worrying?
Meditating on the matter?
I can not let things be
because they are not what I want;
I have the power to incite an intrinsic riot
and swerve off of this path of passivity and safe play
so I can begin living as I should, as I want,
in a way that will make it worth living.
Stop making things so difficult
and allow me to ruin it all
in the name of fun.

you're one of them:
the nonsensical
theorhetical
beauty
if such a concept
should even be entertained in a mind
a soul
if I have one
I want to meet it
shake it's cloudy hand,
take it for tea-
we don't like coffee
but philosophy,
shoot
we get drunk until we're dizzy
falling
in love with notions
powerful potions
love and love and love
leave me alone
I don't need it
from you
just stay where you lay
keep your thoughts neutral
leaving your vicinity
is safer and kinder
than saying no
to your flea-bitten face

He used to say
The kind of **** to make you smile
You know,
The words that mean a certain something to you and only you
Because the rest of the world is too stupid to realize
Beauty in the simplest degree
A nothing in the sense of the word
And those words
Make your bones feel like art
And not the ****** kind
But the type that makes you cry
Because you don’t know why,
But you know it means a hell of a lot
Because it was from a living soul
Not a dead one,
Not a corrupt one,
But one so pure and appealing
Capable of suffering though never had a bad day
Ever
And those words were the things worth singing for
Worth breaths in the night sky
As clichéd as lovers in lust and kids in confusion
It was all and all and all
One could ever.

Not sure anymore
how to feel
though it doesn't matter
the hows
but why
and why do I care
if I feel like they're all enemies
deep down
they'd all skin me alive
eat it
rip it off my bones
and laugh
and it's just the way
everyone is
and yet
I could never bring myself
to be so cannibalistic
call it stupid
or naive
but I can't bear the thought
of such delicate flesh
torn apart
because of my own doing;
I want to be safe
and yet
such an unrealistc wish
because as animals
we all wish to destroy
but how come I'm so domesticated?

none of that
"oh, you'll be fine"
crap,
give me the truth.
how bad is it-
am I?
would I be
the worst human being
in the sense
that I don't function
like a typical person,
but have some redeeming qualities
that render me
somewhat pitiable
if not
worthy of living
an equal life of opportunity;
I'm not a terrible human being
in the sense
that I wish ill will
on any
or cause chaos
or upset feelings
no
I am just terrible
at being a human being
and so
I live like I do
chasing the cats that nobody else
seems to see
and eating my meals
burned, outside
enjoying the company of crickets
more than
the people inside walls