From childhood,
I was predestined
to be stuck, bound
to my hypocritical
          
                                                     religion
Full of white people
terribly conservative,
no one really caring
about how anyone
          
                                                     feels
So many ‘bad’ people
in the world,
especially the ones
who ‘choose’ to
          
                                                     like
the same gender
as themselves.
There’s a special place,
for them, called
          
                                                     purgatory.
That’s what I was told,
and I guess
that’s where
I’m going

I was fifteen
when I first
figured out
that I had
             
                                                 anxiety
That was at a time
when I was doing
a lot of self discovery
          
                                                   like
realizing I loved
girls too, not
just boys. This
revelation sent my heart
          
                                                   pounding
that was a symptom
along with shaky hands,
sudden tears, and
irrational fears. As well
as noise in my head, like
          
                                                    drums.
That’s when it came
to me, that my
stupid cluttered brain
was infected with
anxiety.

It was 6th grade
my social studies class
my best friend
Sam, really my

                                                    only
friend in there.
I didn’t really talk to
or hardly understand
anything about other

                                                    girls
I wasn’t into makeup
I wasn’t obsessed with
boys, clothes, or hair.
I was just there,
    
                                                     for
only as long as
completely necessary.
One day, I looked at
Sam, and felt a
    
                                                     love
Not just a friendly one.
I wanted to kiss her.
It scared me to want
something like that

These days
I have no companions
except my problems,
me, myself, and

                                                 I
My soul is a tangle
and the only way
to untangle it
is discover who I
     
                                                 am
­I already know
what I want
to be, though
It’s hard to find
             
                                          ­    a
way to get there.
No way is sure
My bank of ideas
holds a high
          
                                            ­     total
There’s so many things
so many problems
intertwining
to create a full on
         
                                               ­   mess

I find
I feel like a part of me
really does belong here,
is rooted to this place,
but a bigger part
wants to go back

                                                              home
It’s strange to think
how there’s millions of
schools and cities and
situations I could’ve landed
             
                                      ­                        in
How somewhere, out there
could be       
                                                     ­         a lover.
someone who wants me,
someone to understand

How somewhere out
                                                            ­   there
could be a best friend
someone who cares
for me the most

How somewhere out there
could be someone like me
who knows all that
                                                            ­    I know
and has seen all I’ve seen

crazy to think about
all the missed
                                                           ­   opportunities
that could’ve been the best
or the worst
changes I’ll never see

Since I was a kid
I’ve never really felt
like “one of the girls”
From the beginning,
                
                                          ­             I
knew I was different
I didn’t know how
or what or why
just that I made no
              
                                                      sense
I’d always play
with the boys
but sometimes
I wasn’t allowed to play
                
                                      ­                 the
games they did.
I was a “girl”
and girls were not
strong like a “real”
              
                                                        man
I was a lonely kid,
few friends, at least,
after grade 5.
I just knew I didn’t fit
              
                                                         in
I know what I am now
It’s called trans, but
I’m still stuck
in this thing called
              
                                                          me

again you’ve done it
succumbed to the thoughts
you didn’t want to
you really fought

eventually you gave in
it was so tempting
like sin
you listened

like devil speak
they told you
make blood leak
prove you’re alive

you greeted the red
you’re alive
you exist, it said
you proved it

sometimes you can last
without the evidence
but then pain from the past
demands to be felt

the doubts creep
as time passes
blood seep
relapses

you did it again
you listened
gave in
to the voice like sin