oh yeah
sure
let's ask the traumatized kid
if she knows anyone in that stage of psychological life
the one where you
start questioning
whether or not you're happy
and you often make
rash decisions
oh yeah.
i do know someone
who's right in that spot.
can you describe it
for the class?
what the hell, sure.
...as i explain to everyone
that my mother left
because she was bored
i watch the words "oh ****"
etch themselves
onto my professor's face
yep.
i'm never getting called on
again.

"you're depressed"
they say.
"you won't go to class
you won't eat
all you do
is sleep
you're depressed"
they say.
"i'm surrounded by failures"
he says.
dad, it's not my fault
i don't want to go
"i'll have to think about this all day"
he says.
me too
dad.
"i have psychological stuff wrong with me
from trying to deal
with all of this
the least you could do
is go to school"
he says.
i can feel the slam of the door
in my ears
"you're disrespecting me"
he says.
i told my bestfriend
that i'm not eating
not sleeping
or maybe sleeping too much
i told her
i blacked out
lost all sense
of hearing
seeing
feeling
fell down
"you're depressed"
they say.

Let me tell you a bit about me
A bit that I haven’t told anyone

Here goes nothing…

I listen to Lady Gaga
A lot
The smell of whiskey doesn’t burn my nose
Rather it smells familiar, similar to maple syrup
I love to dance a lot when no one is looking
And really provocatively
I doubt my ability
Yet fear my potential
I kissed a boy in first grade
But don’t know why I have literally hid this all my life
The book “Charley and the Chocolate Factory” changed me
And I never like chocolate until this year
I am afraid of dogs
I grew up with dogs all of my life
I really dislike my arms from the elbow up
But play off my flannel shirts and hoodies as a fashion statement
I bite my nails but not nervously
Rather because nail clippers make my nails feel weird
I watch ****…
No one really admits that one but most of us do
I love not washing my hair
But I hate going out in public that way
I love most people but pretend I don’t
It’s easier that way
I love the feeling of crumbling sheet rock
Especially if it is wet
I have cussed since I was probably 7…
I think I cuss less now than I did in fifth grade
I generally admire those farthest from me
They are what I’ll never be
I could see myself as president
But just as easily a stripper
I have to try really hard not to cry when I think of my childhood
Especially young memories
I have tweezed my eye brows
And my toes
I have worn makeup while no one was home
Mainly just to try it
I love eating raw sugar
Especially chewing it
I am pretty sure I was delusional as a child
But sometimes I feel like either I wasn’t or I still am
I don’t feel like people ever really know me
Especially my family

There is a chunk of me
Please don’t waste it

Normalicy is living up to a bigger name
Unattainable in all the right ways
A bitter sweet dream that you can't help but
Reach for.

It is a false sense of security on a "normal" day
And the crushing weight when something goes wrong
Knowing you'll never be normal
As long as you worry

Anxiety is your least favorite friend
But somehow your closest
It’s a title you try to wear proudly
Claiming “titles don’t define me”

But somehow the symptom list consumes you
With every “please don’t do that”
And you’re sinking deeper with “it’s not that big of a deal”
You’re drowning when they do it anyway

Anxiety is a trigger list longer than a prescription name
And missed phone calls everyone’s used to
Knowing you’re the disappointment as plans fall apart
A broken heart when they just quit calling

It’s  your ticking time bomb on when you’ll be fired
When people will leave and you don’t try to convince yourself that they wont anymore
Because everyone does
It’s easier to leave than to help and to understand

It’s the toxic part of you that you try to hide
Cover it with bandaids
And hope they ignore the radioactive poison through your veins
And you’re just trying to feel like you’re not poision

It’s an IM box that understands and a parent that doesn’t
Knowing you’re not alone but feeling it anyway
Because when you’re choking for air and getting weird stares
You’re alone

Good days
staring through a golden veil of sun
at a world panting in heat.
The sky is a baby blue blanket
lying my flying mind to rest.

If you want to
we can lie down together in the sun baked grass
my arms wrapped warm around your body's beating blood beauty
and listen to the dull growl
of a city talking itself into the future.
That chattered fate is not for us.

If you want to,
that moment will be silent
still
and enjoyed free
under a beaming sky bound sun.
We can close our eyes
stop seeing them
stop believing our ears
then
nothing but us
and where we touch
will exist.

*If you want to.

Of things I fear most
is someone taking away my rationality.
All the power you have
to so easily alter my mood.
Take my insecurities
'cause I don't remember having them.
Give me names good for the ear.
Hey look.
Look here,
Look at nothing.

Tonight my mind is not my own
tonight Jacob comes


I can feel his claws behind my eyes
taking control


Tonight my poetry is not my own
tonight Jacob comes

Imprisoned thoughts finding freedom
within the damaged mind
mind not what they say
nor how they say it
speaking clearly with hijacked tongue
tongue tied and muted
fear gives new voice to old words
words hasterly spoken
drawn back
upon the lips like an unstrung bow
piercing retorts
and sharpened interlect
rend away the facade of common descency
allowing profanity space to breath
rank rancid epilogues becoming epitaphs
upon a soul trapped
within the confines of anothers understanding
of morality
long dead arisen the medicated zombie wakens
and a new day dawns
follow not the path of the poet when his words
are not his to command
and yet they command your respect and your derision