I’m sorry, Sir,
I know you said
I had to write out
50 times

“I must improve” - but
50 times
a different thought
came to my mind

i must look after myself properly
i must eat more
i must drink less
i must make time for myself
i must get the test
i must organise the divorce
i must sort out my job
i must sort out my head
i must get the car serviced
i must tidy this ******* place up

i must give up the ****
i must phone my friends more often
i must become a better person
i must take control of my life
i must find a therapist
i must hoover
i must grow up
i must calm down
i must sing more
i must accept myself

i must finish that poem
i must challenge ‘must’
i must find a new balance
i must raise my self-esteem
i must put on weight
i must get to bed earlier
i must return those calls
i must take up meditation again
i must get to the bottom of this paperwork
i must ease off the whisky

i must read more classics
i must remember how to feel good about myself
i must print those t-shirts i keep talking about
i must feed the fish
i must organise my finances
i must rearrange the living room
i must look into a mortgage
i must pray to the god of small things
i must hold good people close to me
i must burn out my cynicism

i must stop spending more than i earn
i must stop pushing people away
i must stop feeling icky about her past
i must stop being a drama queen
i must stop beating myself up
i must stop putting it off
i must stop going through the motions
i must stop looking for the answer in others
i must, i must,
i must
stop substituting poetry
for action

i hear the crickets
i listen to the thunder
i hear the phone hang up
and i listen to the sirens screaming

i bite my tounge
i taste the rain
i bite my lip
and i taste the salt

i inhale the aromas
i smell the storm
i inhale the thick air
and i smell the dirt

i touch the sink
i feel the metal
i touch the floor
and i feel the pain

i see white walls
i imagine another life
i see my blood
and i imagine your face

"Beautiful dog, Dachshund right?  It have a name?",
that is what I would have said to you
in hopes of sparking a conversation
in hopes of learning your name. I honestly
don't care about the dog's name at all, but
you have nice hair, and hips. They mesmerized
me while you walked, your dog, away
from me. I never said anything.

On a dark dark night when the stars all glow
Tell me again where does the Half Moon go

When winter appears with a withering snow
Tell me again where the warm winds go

When the day diasppears in a glourious show
Tell me again where does the twilight go

When storm clouds appear To and Fro
Tell me again where does the sunshine go

When I am so old, so tired and so slow
Tell me again why yoy love me so.

No.
It is not ok with me to say that.
Gay is not a synonym for stupid.
Gay is not an insult, and I will not allow you to use it like one.

It is because of people like you
That our society is intolerant, ignorant, and unforgiving.
It is because of people like you
That our society revolves around the chauvinistic cult
That men are not manly if they don’t show preference
For a butts and **** attached
To a brainless body.

It is because of people like you
That hundreds of tormented, depressed teens attempt suicide
Every year.
It is because of people like you
That many succeed.

It is because of you
That one of my best friends is addicted to drugs
Struggling with alcoholism
And self-loathing
Because he can’t admit to himself
That he might be gay.

So no.
It is not ok with me.
That you are openly homophobic.
Because what if I were gay?
With my pretty face and big *****,
Would you treat me differently?
Would you still joke around and flirt?

Because in the end,
Homophobia is the same thing as
Xenophobia
Racism
And sexism.

And the only thing that separates you
And the openly gay boy that you
Hate so much
is that he has strength to go against the
very tide
that has swept you and morals away.

I try so hard not to notice
When I go without that one thing.
The one thing that makes me break.
Cry.
Scream.
The one thing that makes me weak.
I look away, ducking my head.
Trying to hide from it.
But it calls me in.
Just like every other time,
I resist.
Turning my back.
Trying to walk away.
But in the end,
Temptation takes over.
And I know,
That I truly am addicted.