Dinosaurs roam the land
Gathering grain while they can
Roaring beeping bellowing dust
While the weather holds they must

Big wheels rushing to and fro
Trailers to the store on tow
Keep it going rush and tear
While there's still an ear out there

Darkness comes but they don't stop
If they can they'll get the lot
Tomorrow may return the rain
Back to playing the waiting game

There is a vicar from Chelsea
Who alas is not very wealthy
Often he dines on communion wine
And curried bat from the belfry

He lights a lot of incense
To hide his flatulence
He gets a bit high
Perhaps that is why
His sermons never make sense



--The vicar gets his knickers in a twist--

The old church roof had seen better days
The pressing need was a serious fund-raise
So the vicar abseiled down the tower
As the village watched by the graves and flowers

With a flurry his cassock flew up in the air
Shocking pink he wore under there
Flapping around it covered his face
As he dangled there in embarrassed disgrace

Someone called the fire brigade
A turntable ladder came to his aid
When at last they got him down
Humbled and grateful he kissed the ground

Distraught the vicar wore a frown-
The churchyard wall had fallen down

Well he could devoutly pray
But not a single brick could lay

Fred said don't you worry, not at all-
We don't need a churchyard wall

Think about it now, he grinned
Those within can't get out,
And those without don't want in

The churchyard was nearly full up
Just one vacant, desirable plot
When a hand-written sign appeared,
It's message to all crystal clear

This plot take note I've reserved it
For one in the parish who wholly deserves it
All Ten Commandments he has observed
And faithfully his community served
So here shall lie at the end of his life
Fred the cobbler and Gracie his wife

As word got round the village saw red
To a parish meeting they summoned old Fred
There are others who wish to lay there too
This plot does not belong to you

Finally all the arguments stopped
It was first come first served for the last plot
So Fred quit the pills, became very ill
And what he wanted he got

I don't know why I grieve today
Why it stabs me with such pain

Is it for my lovely dogs
I miss them all
But for all the joy
Always there's a price to pay

Or for the friends where tragedy
Far too soon stole them away

Or for all the mothers' sons
Who gave their lives
Behind the ****** battle lines

I don't know why I grieve today

Sleeping on sofas, sleeping on floors
Friends are her family
Her mother abroad

Little miss nobody, pin-ball girl
Says why are you being so nice to me
It's our job says the nurse
As she stitches her hand
Everyone is somebody

You folks are amazing
You really care
Best phone the hostel
Tonight I'll go there

So vulnerable
Naive, street-wise in equal measure
If you had a family
You would be their treasure

A wedding coming up, that's nice
Put some pink champagne on ice

A little son for Pam and Ted-
Better wet the baby's head

Cyril died for goodness sake
Get some beers in for the wake

Paddy says he saw his ghost
Must be worth a little toast

Rabbie Burns night guess the plan
Old Lang Syne then a dram

Talking business I've a hunch
Could involve a liquid lunch

Dear John news comes in a letter
Have a brandy you'll feel better

Internet gone on the blink
Enough to drive a man to drink

Not that I take much you see
Just a little socially

For the big occasion
She's lost a pound or two
Last minute jitters playing out
Something borrowed, something blue

Posies for the bridesmaids
Flower in her hair
The thought of all those people
Gets her feeling scared

Roller waiting, protocol demands
Be ten minutes late
Line up for some memories
By the old lych gate

Holding back tears of joy
She glides the aisle in a daze
Nervous smiles exchanged
As the ***** plays

A moment's pause, new shoe shuffle
Children struggle to behave
Baby words da da da
Echo down the nave

No impediments are known
As far as we can see
No one shouts out from behind
Yeah, it should have been me!

In the nearby meadow
The big marquee awaits
Congregation filters back
Through the old lych gate

The groom pays sincerest thanks
To everyone he should
The best man airs embarrassments
As we knew he would

The band strikes up, as they dance
The car is 'modified'
Lipstick on the window
Cans and balloons are tied

It's not a worn out cliche
As the night winds down they realise
They really have just lived through
The best day of their lives

We're ladies who lunch, we have a good time
We appreciate art, we sip fine wine
Watching our weight so no more than a nibble
But believe you me - we're fond of a giggle :)

We're ladies who lunch, we thrive on variety
We run the local history society
We move some chairs around in the hall
And invite a nice man to talk to us all

We're ladies who lunch, we support one another
Devouring books from cover to cover
We always discuss the topics we've read
Our husbands are hard at work or dead

We're ladies who lunch, we're busy but free
No one does luncheon better than we
Society's backbone, we stick together
And fully intend to go on for ever

Ginger hit a great old flint
Split in two his *****
Took it to the smithy
Had it back inside a day

In the twenty acres
Kenny bust the plough
Let the smithy have a look
He'll fix it up somehow

Big old mare she cast a shoe
Better do all four
Hinge has broken on the gate
Latch needs mending on the door

Show him what needs fixing
He can sort it out
Heat it up in the fire
Give it a good old clout

The smithy's long been dead of course
The forge has long been closed
Just the house name on a slate
To tell of days of old

The barn door shakes, hedges sway
Extra coats come off the peg
A wicked wind finds its way
Up every sleeve and trouser leg

Fires burn all day and night
We mourn our absent Spring
We keep our shirts tucked in tight
Powerless to change a thing

Primrose petals bruised and torn
Birds shelter in the hedges'  lee
Waiting quiet and forlorn
When they all should busy be

A hundred feet above our heads
A skylark sings his song
Reminding us to rise above
Sing loud and carry on

They were different times

The only thing I know about old man Venn
He used to tie two cats' tails together
Hang them over the washing line
To watch them fight
Cruel old man Venn

There was a man in the village
He killed dead pigs
If a farmer had a pig die
He'd cart it home then squeal and shriek
Like a dying pig
Then pass off the meat as fresh
Everyone knew about it

A couple in the village were always arguing
One night the man said he was going to drown himself
In the pond
She said do you go an' do it in someone else's pond
I ha' got to drink that water

Jim said there'll be a fire in the village afore long
Russell said how d'you know that then?
Down at Hall Farm I see him stripping the paint off his window
With a blow torch
Right near the thatch
He knows better  'an that
Sure enough the old farmhouse burnt to the ground
He built a bungalow with the insurance money
Old Jim was right again

Russell met his wife to be during the war
He had a few days leave but not long enough to go home
So he stayed with his mate in Lancashire
Ended up marrying his mate's sister
She came down to Suffolk
One of the local women said to her
Where do you come from?
Lancashire she said
I didn't think you was English she said

A farmer said to Jim
That wholly made me sweat to write out your cheque
For thatching this year
Med me sweat fust said Jim

For hurdle making they would cut ash pole in the wood
Using hand axes
When they finished the women from nearby cottages
Would come and pick up the chips to start their fires

When I can no longer see
And the way is dark
You shine a light ahead for me
And beat for me a path

When I feel I'm sinking
You help me rise above
When I want to hate
You show me how to love

You may be real or perhaps
Just inside my mind
But I feel you watching over me
Almost all the time

So when I get old and I'm being told
That I can no longer roam
Take pity on me, don't leave me be
To sit here at home all alone

Take me to the top of a mountain
And there let me sit all the day
Leave me on top of the mountain
And there I can fade away

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn
What a vision of loveliness you have become
As I watch from the wings sipping a Pimms
A one-sided love affair has just begun

She holds a martini and graciously flirts
Still wearing the fetching tennis skirt
All the boys stare as she climbs up the stair
Every one wishing she could be theirs

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn
Did I cheer too loud for the match that you won?
Was our handshake too long when I told you well done?

And now it is nineteen seventy one
What an excellent wife and mother you've become
But alas not to me
Miss Joan Hunter Dunn

"Aren't you going to write something today martin?"
-No shut up-
"You really ought to you know."
-Why? I don't have to write something every day. Anyway, who are you?-
"I'm your muse."
-Well it's your job then. Come on, 'a'muse me ha ha.  I'm waiting. Cough up or shut up.-

"Don't you think you're being slightly unreasonable? As your muse I can give you an idea but you have to run with it. I don't present it as a fait accompli do I?   So now, how about a limerick?"
-Go on then-
"What do you mean go on then? What's on your mind today?  The sea, the stars, the sky, outer space?"
-Just you at the moment muse.  Ok, just listen to this then leave me alone.-

                   My useless excuse for a muse
                   Is hardly the one I would choose
                   He isn't much cop
                   He argues a lot
                   And when asked to perform will refuse

"Mmm...not your best but...I knew there was something in there waiting to come out. Just needed a little **** didn't it?
-Mess off muse, or I'll give you a little ****.-
"Bye, see you tomorrow. Perhaps you'll be in a better mood."
-*******-

What should I say to cold callers?
"Not interested thank you "
"Yes, that is my name "
"No, actually my computer isn't broken "
"I think you need electrocution lessons, I can hardly understand you."

Or maybe I'll try this;

Mario, we had a deal now Mario
We shook hands ain't that right?
Meet me on the bridge my friend
Same time alone tonight

Bring the dough now Mario
You gotta pay your debt
I'm like that elephant you know
The one who don't forget

I got you covered Mario
I know your family
You gotta learn how to behave
Act responsibly

We're nearly brothers Mario
We share some blood I guess
So let's not spill it over this
Let's clear up this mess

           click

The atom he wanted to split
But didn't quite manage it
So he changed his tack
And instead of that
Wrote a limerick

He promised that pretty soon
A man would land on the moon
They didn't quite make it
So he told them to fake it
It was harder than he'd presumed

It was mid-Summer night
He thought that he might
Ask for her hand
As they strolled on the sand

He said I'll love you for all of time
If you just promise you will be mine
But alas his love was blind

For when he met mother
His vision recovered
And quickly he changed his mind

Let's go outside
Swifts are scything high
The last to cry the sun good night
Wings are beating then they glide

Let's walk round the meadow
As we like to do
We could be Summer gypsies you and I
Watch each day in pastel shades give way

All is kind, mild and soft
Daylight graced away
As we survey our sanctuary
Far from the maddening, saddening motorway

A fragile film of mist hangs above the meadow flowers
We wonder at the science of it
As nature's breath is blown aside
Like a magic trick

We could stay out here all night
Be Summer gypsies you and I
But we are tied
Signed up to this, bound by that
Anchored, rooted to the workaday

Come inside, for we must sleep
We need to sleep
Let the night its gentle solstice secrets keep

It's Grandad's birthday coming up
He says he wants a ******,
To entertain him in the bath tub-
Better not tell Granny

Panic rising in his chest
Control slipping away
Too many demands on his time
His children raising hell
Eating themselves out of house and home
Tearing lumps out of each other

How could he teach them a sense of responsibility,
Manners, morals
Who could he turn to for help, advice...
There was no one

This was not the way he'd planned it
This was not the way he'd meant it to be
God sighed
He put his head in his hands and wept
It was not easy being a single parent

It's big boys and their toys
Highway cruising poise
But oh dear,
Cover your ears
What a blinkin noise!

He wheeled it out with pride
Took it  for a ride
Cornered too quick,
Felt it slip
And pranged his Electra Glide

In the blue ridge mountains of Virginia
On the trail of the lonesome pine
I promised to stay true to ya
But kind of changed my mind

There was linda, Natasha, victoria
All waiting in a line
Rebecca Mae and Cynthia
And so little time

In the blue ridge mountains of Virginia
We had a lovely time
I read all their poetry
They read all of mine

There it lay
Down by the kerb
A scrap of paper
Covered in words

A little poem
Thrown away
Without a message
Nothing to say

To write such verse
Is nearly a sin
So I cast it away
This time in a bin

Flickering fires, dim candlelight
Barely pierce the chill Winter night
In a world of toil with no hope of change
Life is a trial down Strugglers Lane

Endless worry is their lot
The only rest is when they drop
Nothing but hardship mingled with pain
That's what's on offer down Strugglers Lane

No escape, nowhere to go
Best do a deal with the devil you know
Nothing comes easy, it's always the same
That's how it is down Strugglers Lane

If you find yourself anywhere near
Heed my advice, stay well clear
Turn right around, go back again
Don't take the sign to Strugglers Lane

I do not cling to life
That hat is worn out now
I've seen this world
Felt its pain
And now the earth,
It claims me back again

It's time to lose all time
To leave it all
Leave you all behind

I will be greeted at the gate
A mother, father, brother, sister, wife
All await me there

I leave you all with wishes kind
Stories of war, peace and adventures maritime
And memories
But most of all
With love

My dear the sight is perfect bliss
To prove the point
I will anoint
It with a little kiss
                               x

We went to the woods for a picnic
That girl was such a nitwit
She promised a lot
But all I got
Was a peck on the cheek and a biscuit

Her parents went to Rhyll
To me that sounded brill
I went to her place
All prepared (just in case)
And fed the budgie some trill

I said I've fallen for ya
Let's cuddle in the corner
She said that's nice
But tonight I might
Practise my recorder

She said it's good to share
I said I'm with you there
Then I was led
To a single bed
And loaned a teddy bear

I did my best to please her
But she was just a teaser
My money spent
My patience went
So it was time to leave her

I'll    (that's 2 words)
show
you
mine
if
you
show
me
yours

Prosthetic monster men playing heavy rock
A laderhosened Austrian gives his squeeze box all he's got

Desperation dance routines, too hard they always try
Wailing divas, rigid smiles,
Do we laugh or cry

A Fin from the back woods plays a fiddle fast
Our song is pretty good but still we might come last

Hello Bratislava, hello Tallin, hello everyone
Votes are cast for friends as the evening never ends

At last we have a worthy winner, well done indeed to you
But with too many 'nul points'
Once more we meet our Waterloo

adoration we adore
criticism is deplored
reptilean eyes show no remorse
as silken smooth we subtley slither
closer now, invite a strike
or keep your distance
and your life

my teeth are hollow
so is my pen
venom flows
through both of them

Hedges snowy white
East wind blows up trouser leg
Blackthorn winter's here

Thank you sir, how would you like to pay, firing squad?
-- I beg your pardon?
Nice and quick sir, no mess, comes highly recommended.
Or there's the rotten cotton bungee jump, very popular with our younger customers.
Um, we offer an old fashioned duel with a chieftan tank, there's walking the plank,
And we've just started an in-house hang draw and quarter option with free head impalement.
Exceptional value that one, sir.
Now what else is there, there's the axe in the neck from the man with the hood,
The genuine guillotine experience, the short flight over the ocean with a sharp shove at 15000 feet,
Um, the drag naked through the streets by a crazed horse,...
--Is barclaycard acceptable?
Of course sir, I can offer you a complimentary snake bite with that sir.
--No thank you.
Ok sir, let me offer you this free bladder of wombat spittle mouthwash,
Special promotion till Friday, yours to enjoy.
--I'll take two.
Certainly, excellent sir.
--Is there a cheese shop in the neighbourhood?
Yes sir, finest in the district sir, but if I were you I wouldn't go there sir,
The man who runs it is a bit strange sir.

At the end of the run
To spoil the fun
An evil crime
Conceived by a twisted mind
Delivered by human ****

Mr Kipling grins
Satisfied he did the right thing
Watching it go round and round
Certain his investment's sound
Sending him a trifle dizzy
While making exceedingly good
               electricity

Their vows they made, he kissed her
He couldn't now resist her
Then later on he said so long
I should have married your sister

She said I love you Billy
And asked for something silly
To prove you love me
There's no one above me
Tattoo my name on your *****

There are plenty of fish in the sea
At least there used to be
But now there are not
We've got to stop
And let them recover you see

Her tummy was swollen
This could mean
A future King
Or future Queen
A gift of life
A baby's breath

Instead it was seed
From the angel of death

When the daisies push up with Maggie beneath
Marking her grave will be taking a chance
For some will come to lay a wreath
But others will come to dance

All the bills were coming in
I've paid off all of them
There's credit on the plastic
I'm free-wheelin' again

Work is done and over
We are with our friends
Corks have popped, it's Friday night
We're free-wheelin' again

Winter's been a long one
Like it would never end
Soon the bikes are coming out
We'll be free-wheelin' again

There she goes, my old flame
Her kids have grown, all left home
She still looks the same

Is it fanciful to claim
After all this time
In her heart a tiny part remains
That is forever mine?

Je suis seule
Je suis enceinte
Le vent me dit
Rentrez, vous n'etes pas assez forte
Je reste ici

Les etoiles seront mes copains
Le ciel mon abri
Je dormirai avec les pierres
La pluie me lave

Mes souvenirs, l'amour
Sont perdus
Je n'ai pas besoin de l'argent
Demain n'existe pas
Seulement le silence
Et un papillon

Driving west we reached an inn
A group of friends around a table
Laughing, joking, talking
About the usual things

As local, native as can be
But their language
Incomprehensible to me

Not similar or remotely related
To the sounds that come from my mouth

They speak my language too
But theirs by choice
It lives and thrives across the whole of this lovely country of theirs
Wales

History comes alive
My eyes are open wide
To diversity
Reminding me
Ours is a land of immigrants
Always has been

Clever Trevor likes to surprise
When he was born he shouted Hi!
I'm Trevor, glad to be aboard
And look, I'm wearing a mortar board!

They gave him a part in the Christmas play
As baby Jesus the divine
He took to it like a duck to water
Which of course he turned to wine

Mum took him to the beach to play
Let's be normal just for a day
He dug a hole in the sand
Drained the sea away

He likes to throw stones,
Never missing a target
He aimed for the moon one fateful night
Knocked it out of orbit

A keyboard wizard,
If he got a bit bored
He could start a third world war

So come on Trevor, please do something good
Help us out here, I wish you would

On our bikes, day after day
Wheeling along the West Country Way
From Georgian Bath, that Jane Austen knew
To Glastonbury Tor, our challenge still new

Where are we now, is it this way or that?
Another cool stretch on a railway track
No one fell off, no one got hurt
Except now and then by a few cross words

And so over Exmoor, our longest day yet
It was football, not cider in our Somerset
Sea views and fresh air in Westward **!
We could have stayed longer but on we go

The hills are getting longer, tall hedges either side
Our legs are getting stronger now we've found our stride

The Eden project was on our route
So we had to stop and see
The scene was complete in a bio-dome
With David Attenborough filming for tv

Past holes in the ground where they dug the clay
Along old canals our journey panned out
Then over a beer at the end of the day
Out came the map for the mileage count

On through the ancient landscape we go
Past the odd castle or stately home
Past sheltered coves and beaches of sand
And on to the end  -Lands End-
Where we ran out of land

When the words don't seem to fit                                                     
When the spot they just don't hit 
I re-visit my friend                                              
Shake him again                            
Good old Mr Limerick                                       


There is a young woman from Dunbar                     
Who jogs but never too far
She carries a snickers                                                   
Insid­e her knickers                                                        
­And a mars bar in her bra                                            


-Stretch limo-
So much length it had gained                                      
To drive it was really a pain                                        
So they put on the wheels                                            
Tyres of steel                                                            ­                               
And turned it into a train                                             


Mesmerised for a while
By those eyes which so beguile
The men she meets
Fall at her feet
But why such sadness in her smile?


A pretty young thing from Milan
Had a beautiful tan
She enticed married men
Into loving again
And then the **** hit the fan


She used to be happy, fulfilled and carefree
As wild as white horses out on the sea
Now she's no fun
What has become
Of the girl she used to be