If there were a heaven
I would want it to be
Like the lunchtime walk we did today,
Little Bear and me

We took the bridleway as signed
Through a cottage garden
Someone had a mower going, the first cut of the year
We slipped through unnoticed,
Me and little Bear

The path went by a natural brook
Below a sloping meadow
And led up to an ancient wood
Beside a well-clipped hedgerow

At the wood we paused
It looked inviting, dark and deep
But for now its secrets it would keep
There was work to do,
A heap of straw to sort and lay
So that adventure we will save
For another day

That adventure we can save
For another day

The kettle boiled, switched itself off.
He made tea, topped it with milk.
He had never felt calmer.
Today was the day.

He counted the strides to the station,
One less than usual.
The train was two minutes overdue.
A robin just above him piped and trilled its cascading song.

The train came into view, now it was level with the end of the platform.
This was the time.
Before he could see the driver's eyes.
He hesitated.  
The moment passed.

**** robin, **** ****** robin.

Grandma, Lucy gave birth she informed us,
and wants us all to see.

Lucy gave birth to a tortoise,
and it ran away to sea?

No Grandma, Lucy gave birth to an infant,
and she wants us all to see.

Lucy gave birth to an elephant,
today at half past three?
How did she do that?

No Grandma, Lucy has had a little one,
she's ecstatic and wants us to see.

Lucy, plastic surgery?
I'm not surprised if she gave birth to an elephant.
Shall we visit her?

Yes Grandma, what a good idea.
Shall we find your hearing aid?

What do you want a ***** for dear?

My old man's in finance
He dishes out advice
He'll tell you where to best invest
But only for a price

He charges a hundred fifty
For every hour he's there
I thought he'd got a ****** cheek
I don't know how he dare

I fell out with him
I'm not that easily led
So my stash is going back
Underneath the bed

for Higgs

My old man's a dustman
He's in the pub today
He'd be there all the bloomin' time
If he had his way

My old man's a dustman
He don't give it's all take
He plays his banjo late at night
And keeps us all awake

My old man's a dustman
He loves his missus so
He wouldn't swap her for the world
I think she'd swap him though

My old man's a dustman
He once met the Queen
He kept his hands behind his back
'Cos they weren't very clean

My old man's a dustman
He's really quite a card
Friday night he'll take you on
If you think you're 'ard

My old man's a dustman
He knows my Auntie Jean
Every time she sees him
She does a little scream

My old man's a dustman
Making no mistake
When he finally pops his clogs
There'll be quite a wake

There was a pirate who came from afar
Who sank his ship for a h'penny o' tar
He had a scar on his cheek,
Gold in his teeth
And like Prabhu, a thing for the noir

There was a vicar from Kent
Who gave up religion for lent
He enjoyed a spree
Of being un-holy
Nobody knows where he went

For the tourists to impress
She wore traditional dress
She liked the grass skirt
And the flowery shirt
But the coconut bra caused distress

One of the tourists she knew
Was really enjoying the view
He bought her a drink
Tickled her pink
And said may I remove it for you?

The limerick man was on top
He was writing such a lot
The barrel he dredged
He lost his edge
And didn't know when to stop