I don’t know what my motive of writing this is,
but I do know my unsettled heart needs to scream,
I know that these voices in my head won’t go away,
and that the chances of you coming back is slim.

Every night is a battle with myself,
a battle with my mind, to be exact,
that remains polluted with visions of you,
and memories that stay intact.

Bluntly put it, I wish you’d stay, really,
because I can’t deal with this insanity by myself,
I’ve come to conclude that I need you, really,
I'm begging you please don't leave me on a shelf.

the doors to your heart* are
embellished with needles and spears;
the doors I try to open, but
only end up with suffering and tears.

the doors are thick & heavy,
frosted from the ice cold that lies within;
the doors that cannot be pulled,
because to you, my love is a deadly sin.

with lips stained from cheap shiraz
a creak is forcefully spread
your heart isn’t made of topaz
and water is not all you tread

with lungs burnt from red cigarettes
you gasp for air with so much difficulty
with feelings that remain uncertain
you crave to be of a different entity

oh but with a broken heart
that desperately yearns to be repaired
my love, you can’t think straight
much less have time to regret

With invisible pinchers you grab hold of me,
second after minute after hour,
you are in control of my emotions,
I am strapped to all that you empower

Your words magnetise me,
I am bound to them,
they draw me closer to you,
I become nothing but a gullible lamb

But there is something you should know,
I am glass, & you, gravity,
you don’t realise I am fragile,
until in pieces I shatter, broken so easily.

There is not much
I can provide you with
other than short poems
& flowers that wither

But when I see the sun rays
crash against the back of your head
carefully tracing your silhouette
I know I never want you to leave my bed

You rob me of all my energy,
desolating my little sanctity
You rob me of all my energy,
leaving me with nothing but misery

I foolishly built a home in your soul
because I mistook comfort for security
I painstakingly withstood the chagrin
yet you repay me with your folly

Your mouth is a gun
The words you spew fly like bullets
in no time they crush my bones tidy
They exterminate every bit of life in my body

At the end of it all
I am left with nothing
I feel naked
like a mole rat in spring

But I clothe myself with
assurance and confidence
everyday I mask myself with false mirth
I pretend
I pretend
I pretend
and will continue to
until the very end

I take you in, I swallow you whole,
In hope that you would heal me
Wrong move, I realise
How could I not see

My blood surges to my face
I start to feel sick
I’m not unfamiliar with this pace
I need a slap to my cheek

I begin to sense
Your side effects, they knock me off
They bring out the worst in me,
They make me cry, and bleed, and cough

What is happening
My hands, they succumb to numbness
I can’t feel your skin on mine
For your touch, I voraciously thirst

This is absurd
It is addictive, threatening, and taboo
I am losing myself
But that doesn’t matter

because
**I lost you