There is not much
I can provide you with
other than short poems
& flowers that wither

But when I see the sun rays
crash against the back of your head
carefully tracing your silhouette
I know I never want you to leave my bed

I seem to find comfort
within these vertical surfaces
for I feel protected
from the minds of the capricious

People tell me it's not right
and try to knock the walls down
but I do not step out
Instead, I rebuild my walls once more

This obsession with being alone
threatens every aspect of my life
I start drifting away from
everything & everyone

This addiction takes my life away
piece by piece
gradually draining who I was
and who I want to be

help.
           help me.
                             help me get out of this rut.
I want to feel and live once more.

Am I just another eight digits in your mobile phone?
Am I just a single thought when you’re sad and alone?
Am I just another drop of water in the shower
Or am I just that tiny piece of cake you devour?

Sometimes you make me feel like I’m all eight digits, added up.
Sometimes you make it seem like I’m all you ever think about.
Sometimes you make me rain on you with strong gushes of water
and sometimes I feel like the whole cake you devour.

But more importantly, most of the time, I am really just…….

an unfortunate another.

why didn't you let me pull the satin strings,
that secured your cardiovascular *****?
why couldn't you expose yourself to me,
the side that no one else can see?

why didn't you undress your mind?
why didn't you undress your heart?
it's not like being naked is forbidden
but wow, it's tearing me apart

I don't think I can do this anymore,
your touch, your warmth, your words,
they come and go
like promiscuous birds.

I had feelings for you I could never explain
to anyone, or anything.
I have to go now, I have to go somewhere,
that would make my heart sing.

With invisible pinchers you grab hold of me,
second after minute after hour,
you are in control of my emotions,
I am strapped to all that you empower

Your words magnetise me,
I am bound to them,
they draw me closer to you,
I become nothing but a gullible lamb

But there is something you should know,
I am glass, & you, gravity,
you don’t realise I am fragile,
until in pieces I shatter, broken so easily.

I knew you were getting bored
of who I am and who I can be,
I knew you were getting sick
and tired of “loving” me.

I never knew why though,
Love, I wish you told me everything
and not just conveniently slip away,
like winter melts into spring.

I am but dirt in soil
I am the filth that thrives
through the contribution
of **** from dogs and mice

You, you’re a ******* flower
through the seasons of rain and shine
you grow and bloom
but no, I never called you mine

Flaunt your bright petals and floral scent
but remember that without me
you could have never grown
into someone so lovely

I take you in, I swallow you whole,
In hope that you would heal me
Wrong move, I realise
How could I not see

My blood surges to my face
I start to feel sick
I’m not unfamiliar with this pace
I need a slap to my cheek

I begin to sense
Your side effects, they knock me off
They bring out the worst in me,
They make me cry, and bleed, and cough

What is happening
My hands, they succumb to numbness
I can’t feel your skin on mine
For your touch, I voraciously thirst

This is absurd
It is addictive, threatening, and taboo
I am losing myself
But that doesn’t matter

because
**I lost you

The seeds you plant in my heart
feed off the light from your face
they bloom ever so quickly
but soon transition into a different phase

They begin to creep around the periphery
of my vascular *****
they flourish and overcrowd
into what becomes a garden

The stalks, they start to constrict
I suffocate, I shout for help, I gasp for air
what in the world is happening?
silly me, it's not like you even care

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder
but what the heck do they actually know?
Each day without you, my heart begins to wander
into tunnels of turmoil and bridges of woe

How can I be fond of something so far away?
How is it possible to be so devoted to
something not within reach or sight?
I wish I could tell you I miss you,
because I really do.

I trudge through the darkness of uncertainty
beneath my feet lay remnants of my dirt past
a breeze of forlornness rushes over me
blanketing my body in nothing but downcast

My eyes squint for hints of sunlight
rays from the golden colossal sphere
that would temporarily take away
the coldness of this fear

Bumping into rough barks of trees,
that scrape away the thin layers of my skin
becomes a norm, a regularity
because pain to me only exists within

Whatever this place is
it is everything painful and sad
and the hurt intensifies
after every tread

but still I move forward
I march head-first into the unknown
hoping, and wishing that one day
all this darkness will be overthrown

As I close my eyes
and seal them with glue
I still envision memories
and pictures of you

As I pinch my nose
to block out any scent around me
I still feignly heave in
the smell that lingers on you (of lavender and tea tree)

As I seal my cracked lips
to prevent myself from uttering your name
I still hum to your favourite song
oh what a shame

As I cup my ears shut
and try to get used to the sound of silence
I still begin to hear only your voice
of kind words and compliance

But as I down these shots of tequila
and set my lungs ablaze
I still feel your warmth rested upon my heart.
Whatever this is, it simply never ceases to amaze.

You know how people always build homes
in the people they love?
Me being the silliest architect there could be
Built a tiny igloo in you
With little if not no certainty,

Within the bountiful depths and crevices
In your mind of a maze and icy darkness of your soul
I found a spot for myself amidst the craze,
to keep myself warm and cosy from the cold.

In this little safe haven I seek comfort in
I established a place I called my own.
My tiny space of refuge I call it,
but in it I live alone.

As loneliness kicks in
I slowly explore outside of home,
In search of a getaway retreat
Nothing too fancy, nowhere alone.

And then I realise how homesick I get
When I dwell in the heart of another
All I want to do is to return
Back into a pair of arms that wont falter.

Did I mention how I built an igloo in you and called it my home?
Igloos melt in heat
and my love, so did you.

My home no longer.

The words that escape from my mouth
are nothing but negative
words so uncouth
they make any soul grief

When I sit alone
my thoughts become a puddled mess
where good things drown
while the others infest

Not long after
I begin to wonder
why away people
start to wander

And then it hits me
why would anyone choose to waste
all their precious time around
a somber and lonely pessimist?

You cross my mind once every five minutes.
That means I think about you at least 12 times every hour.
288 times a day.
2016 times a week.

I could tell you how the glowing moon reminds me of the light in your eyes that shine every time you speak.

I could tell you how the vast ocean reminds me of your adventurous soul and how I want to discover every single part of you.

I could tell you how the song playing on the radio reminds me of the time you sang to me out of tune but it was true music to my ears.

I could tell you how the bitter cucumbers I had in my sandwich remind me of the nasty things you said to me before you didn’t say anything at all.

I could tell you how much I miss you, but I don’t.
because I simply could not.

my mind feels  like it's been set on fire
with the smoke of cigarettes that'll build an empire

i could paint you a palace of words you desire
and then back down,  weak and torn, i retire

i know sometimes i curse you with words of fire
but my love, we both know you're a ******* liar

is this what it feels like
to love someone so much
your heart becomes so heavy
and your mind, so hazy

to have your emotions so confused
so tangled up in a mess
you’d wish you could comb through
all the distress

is this what love feels like
to have your world revolve around
one person, one special someone
does it make me mentally sound?

you make me so angry
my body sparks with rage
please help me,
lock me up in a cage

you make so sad
your words, they pierce
the soft layer on my heart
squeezing out drops of tears

but you also make me feel
nice and warm
and no matter what this is
i know i’ll always be wrong

you could drown me in
a sea of hungry sharks
or feed me to the menacing
crocs in the parks

you could smoke me like
your last cigarette
or down me like
your last alcohol bet

you could grind my bones
and play with the  shards
then mould them up again,
into clean white cards

with those white cards
you shuffle me away and tell me
"shoo"

but my heart will still,
no  matter what,
run back to you.

In her eyes I stray
Uninterested and withdrawn
With her my heart freezes
But with you I am warm

Her touch is alien
So odd, so unusual
But yours keeps me sane
it’s become like a ritual

I yearn for your lips
As I lean towards hers
I want to be grabbing your hips
But I only end up with tears

These feelings I fake
become so tiring to keep up with
The empty promises I make
Deter me from being blithe

My synthetic heart needs to feel
but I’ve come to realise
that only you could make me real
only you can make me feel

it feels as though I am
locked in this prison cell
a cell that blocks me
off from everyone else

this cell is not all that bad
for I feel safe here

and although it does not expose me
to sunshine and rainbows
it makes me feel
protected and warm

but sometimes
it gets a little lonely
and I'll scramble around
to look for the key

once I put my right leg out
I almost immediately pull it back in
for the terror outside makes me cringe within
and I lock myself up once more

I don’t know what my motive of writing this is,
but I do know my unsettled heart needs to scream,
I know that these voices in my head won’t go away,
and that the chances of you coming back is slim.

Every night is a battle with myself,
a battle with my mind, to be exact,
that remains polluted with visions of you,
and memories that stay intact.

Bluntly put it, I wish you’d stay, really,
because I can’t deal with this insanity by myself,
I’ve come to conclude that I need you, really,
I'm begging you please don't leave me on a shelf.

You rob me of all my energy,
desolating my little sanctity
You rob me of all my energy,
leaving me with nothing but misery

I foolishly built a home in your soul
because I mistook comfort for security
I painstakingly withstood the chagrin
yet you repay me with your folly

Your mouth is a gun
The words you spew fly like bullets
in no time they crush my bones tidy
They exterminate every bit of life in my body

At the end of it all
I am left with nothing
I feel naked
like a mole rat in spring

But I clothe myself with
assurance and confidence
everyday I mask myself with false mirth
I pretend
I pretend
I pretend
and will continue to
until the very end

Today I saw you as you.
I saw everything about you.
I studied you.
I attempted to understand you.

I shift my eyes away from yours
diverting them to your ears
the ears that listened to my incessant cries
and heard my foolish fears

I move down to your mouth
which spoke to me only kind words
and also incompetently mimic the chirping
Of Abyssinian lovebirds

I scan over your honey-olive arm
and the smoothness of your skin
which, for warmth, among other things
I seek refuge in

I hung my head earthward
giving attention to your feet
the ones that brought you far and wide
just to let us meet

You call my name.
I glance back up and look you in the eye
those eyes were now blank and cold
I could not see you anymore, but I still try.

We slog ourselves every day
to make a change, we selflessly try
but why is it that when adversity arrives
we let go of ourselves and break down to cry

Then we pick ourselves back up
and attempt to stand tall once again
only to have a hundred more problems
shoot you right in the brain

It spins your world around
it rolls your dreams into a mat
it wrings your body like a towel
and crushes it flat

This vicious cycle we go through every day
it is not going to stop
make the most of it I suppose,
and don’t let yourself flop.

Time with you feels like travelling through a never ending tunnel
one that brims with uncertainty and complete darkness
I never know what to expect from your pace and direction
nor do I feel the existence (any longer) of (if any) connection

I feed on the minute glimpse of sunlight that creeps ahead
Stay my love, stay with me, you plead
because you know this is a one way track
and there really is no turning back

We twist, we turn
We crash, and we burn
We crave, and we yearn
We lose, and we learn

I guess no matter where this takes us
I have you, and you, me
someday love will wrap around and blanket us instead
and our bodies will bath in the light ahead

the doors to your heart* are
embellished with needles and spears;
the doors I try to open, but
only end up with suffering and tears.

the doors are thick & heavy,
frosted from the ice cold that lies within;
the doors that cannot be pulled,
because to you, my love is a deadly sin.

with lips stained from cheap shiraz
a creak is forcefully spread
your heart isn’t made of topaz
and water is not all you tread

with lungs burnt from red cigarettes
you gasp for air with so much difficulty
with feelings that remain uncertain
you crave to be of a different entity

oh but with a broken heart
that desperately yearns to be repaired
my love, you can’t think straight
much less have time to regret

I sit here thinking how I got into this
how you got me into this mess
I know I shouldn’t be blaming you
but I couldn’t care less

I stare at you
and you do the same
what is this, I question myself
why are we playing this game?

You’re like a puzzle
but your pieces; they’re
neither here
nor there

Or maybe they have lingered
all along; hidden
in between your walls

Don’t get me started on those walls
the walls I never got through
for you could never let me
even if you wanted to

I don’t even know where I’m going with this
I’m so tired of cracking my brains,
thinking what this possibly is

I wish I could make you smile
the way you make me smile
I wish I could make you feel safe
the way I feel when you’re around

My sanity slowly evaporates into nothingness
I end up hurting myself
and as if that’s not enough,
I hurt you too

my lips they burn
they burn for your tender kiss
that could land me up
in eternal bliss

my ears they crave
they crave to hear your song
the melodious comfort
i haven't heard in so long

my eyes they miss
they miss your face
the vision of you
i can never ever erase

my nose it itches
it itches for the scent on your skin
the sweet perfume
that remains lingering

my heart it yearns
it yearns for your softest touch
that's all that I ask for
it's really nothing much

my mind tells me to stop being such a fool
to erase you off completely
because all i am to you is a tool

Your hands
With a grip so sturdy, so strong
May steal and hit
and commit all things wrong

Your legs
With capacity to root you down
So athletic and toned
Could take you off without a sound

Your heart
It beats to a mundane tune
So cold and unfriendly
It keeps inside its own cocoon

Your mouth
So small yet brimmed with power
Emits all sorts of negativity
and lie and devour

But your eyes
pristine and chaste
never uncouth
will always scream nothing
nothing but the truth