I’m sick and tired of this lot.
Not of my making.
No, it was not me.
As you thought.

I wait for real forgiveness,
But wait I have, wait I will.
Sometimes it seems easier to not
because real is hard to find.
And so I wait still.

Why do I wait,
When it wasn’t my making?
Because of all the other times
When I wasn’t so innocent in the making.

I never said that I would forever keep,
All the wounded and crippled at my door.
I never wanted the burden
And yes, it must **** to feel as a burden.

I get so ****** tired of feeding your addiction
Expecting me to do it all.
The weight is so heavy
I feel like I’m coming down with an affliction.

Now don’t read me wrong
Blame isn’t my reason.
I will always love you,
no matter what.

Now I’m just so ****** tired
Of the need to be forgiven.
I can’t do for myself,
Along with you and your extra.

Yes, nothing in life is free
Unless you live with me.
I’m spent and money is fading,
But I see, all is still here for free.
I feel used and much like raving!

I’m spent but you still look to me,
Like it’s my job to fix your life’s pain,
And keep you from sleeping in the streets.
There’s really only so much I can take
Of this switch from you to me.
Now who do we blame?

Yes, the time has come for you to fix you.
And me to fix this whole wrong.
Fixing me will come later on.
So who do we blame for all that is wrong?

Every morning I wake,  I scream and scream,
So to alert all, that I am here.

I check each room to make sure I am the only one here.
Then I look in the mirror and there you are..

Why are you always here?  I hate you!
Every morning I shout at you, Go away!

I hide but when I look, there you are..
Why do you insist on taking over?

You slither around me and take control.
I face you with all the courage I can muster but
In the end, you always win.

So I wait for you to weaken and grow weary,
And I can take my power back.
I have never been past this point
But I still feel that small light of hope.

So I look into the mirror with such hope.
Hope that somehow, someday I can defeat you with that light I feel.

I look deeply into the mirror and there you are,  waiting for me as always.
I won’t give up to you!
I will fight to the end.
For I truly hate you.
I say, you cannot have me or my essence,
For that little light of hope still shines on.

Yes, we are planning a baby
A baby most wanted.
I have it all planned
So this is how it will go.

I will have my boy, named Sam
He will be first
He will have red hair and freckles
Oh Sam, you will be so cute!

Later on my little girl will come
She will be beautiful
And Sam will always protect her
Like a big brother should.

The day has come, I am pregnant!
I am so happy, Sam is on his way.
Four months of morning sickness
Has put a doubt in my mind.

What have I done, well can’t back out now!
Will I know what to do?
I have never been schooled on raising a child.
A red headed, always in trouble, Sam.

Oh!  What was that? A pressure, a pain.
It’s here, two weeks late, my little Sam.
Eighteen hours later
I’m pushing, one two three
He is out!

Wait a minute! The doctor is saying a girl!
No you are confused, it’s my boy, Sam.
I open my eyes and look into my daughter’s face
As she hiccups and hiccups.
She is beautiful.

The largest green eyes you have ever seen.
The best baby you could ever wish for.
I was truly blessed on July 25, 1968
With what must be an angel.

I have my Sam, with big green eyes
And dark brown hair.
For lo and behold, one of her
Friends nicknamed her Sam
Without knowing of Sam’s story.

My daughter was the only blessing
I would have.
There hasn’t been one wish
Of a different outcome.
My daughter, Sabrina
My daughter Sam

My best friend is my daughter.
We have been through thick and thin.
I have carried her, she has carried me.
We know who to turn to in the end.

There have been trying times on both sides.
And we have been separated by anger.
We are surly in hell, for we hurt so
when we are apart.

But nothing can part us for long.
No misunderstanding, nothing anyone can say,
can destroy our bond of love and respect.
We will always come back to us.

My daughter has been blessed with compassion and forgiveness.
Not just your everyday forgiveness but one that surprises me daily.
she has a gentle nature and can be hurt easily with words.
I know, for I have been guilty in that.

It has taken me a long time to learn
to use the right words, but my love for her
keeps me on my toes.

What I am saying is, she always forgives me
and tries to teach me to do the same.
She has been strong, when I couldn’t be.
and kept us together always.

She will always be my little girl
with the big green eyes.
My love for her grows each day.
and I pray that I have given her enough
to make it someday without me.
But till then, we are together
Me and my best friend, Sam

"Mommy, daddy said he is making me a stick horse,
just like the Indians use to ride!
"What! Oh that man...
"What did I tell you? You never tell, not ever!

"What's wrong with being an Indian, mommy?
"They think you are *****, they call you, savage!
"My kind, white people, won't let their kids play with you.
" They hate Indians, they call them stupid and *****!

" Do you mommy?  I look into her eyes and see nothing.
She has left me again and gone to her safe place.
I hear her whisper very low, "just go play and don't ever tell."

Little girl behind the rocker, so sad, so ashamed, so scared.
Don't tell my only friend?  She will hate me?
Does my white grandpa know? Will he stop loving me?
Scared little girl, so sad, so many tears, softly saying, "I'm *****".

" What are you doing? You just took a bath before bed!
" I'm getting cleaner, so they won't call me *****.
" They won't because you will never tell!
" Now get out of there and go to school.

"Marlene, what will you not do at school?
" I won't tell, never tell...
So confused, so alone, so ashamed.
Walking with head down now, slowly disappearing.
Voice is almost gone, silent tears falling on her old used coat.

Look at all the flowers on daddy's grave.
Everyone liked him and has come to say goodbye.
"Daddy, don't leave me! I'll be just one little Indian, all alone.
"Don't put him down there, it's dark and it will get him!

Little girl behind the old rocker, so very sad, so very quiet.
All her joy and wonderment taken from her by hate.
She listens to her mother and minds what she says,
"Don't tell, don't ever tell!

But every morning, while everyone still sleeps,
You can see a little girl running to the old garage,
Then, hair flying in the wind, as she rides her stick Indian pony!!
Silently saying, " I love you, my Indian daddy". And
Someday, I will tell the world!

Mother am I beautiful?  No, you are pretty, just pretty....

Little girl behind the old rocker, in the corner of the living room.
So very quiet, so very sad.
So often forgotten and never listened to.
"Oh, she is just shy and a real momma's baby".
What a shame, she has no voice. Are you sure she's okay? You know....

The prison of silence they put her in.
Each cutting word stole more of her voice each day.
One day she just gave up and her voice was silenced to all.
Words were never  uttered in her prison of silence.

Each day she stayed a little longer in her own little world.
She tried to make it perfect but sadness would creep in
and her unheard tears would flow again.
Somehow she made it through her young years,
and grew up into a woman or so they thought.

Little girl still hurt, silent tears still flow.
And a smile that hides more pain
that you could ever know.

Little girl in the dark, with covers up to her chin.
Eyes wide open, heart pounding.
Don't go to sleep, it will get you!
She strains to hear it coming.
Make sure all is covered but the face.
For I must see what is going to get me!
If I don't move or hardly breath, maybe
it won't see or hear me....

What is that in the closet?!
Eyes straining to see the horror
that is surly going to get me.
Don't move, Don't breath!
Don't let your foot fall to the edge,
he will grab you and pull you down.
Keep your hands covered,
because he waits under the bed.

NO! you can't call your mommy.
Stay quiet little one,
for he will get you!

I see it in the closet.
I see it moving towards me.
My heart beats so fast.
Oh No! I hear it breathing.
Was that the closet door?
A silent scream strains.
Shhh  Shush! He's coming now.

Don't close your eyes,,
you need to see it coming!

Little girl in the dark.
All covered in blankets.
So frightened, waiting for it.
No moving, no breathing, NO crying!
For then it will get you.

Little girl in the dark, so tired.
My eyes are so heavy,
but I can't sleep, for it will know
and come for me.
Oh God! help me!
I am falling, falling asleep.
And it is coming,
for I have fallen asleep!!