I am learning on the job,
Spun like a whirling dervish by uncertainty and fear
Glass floor beneath my feet
Paper thin and cracking fast
From the heat.
I need to learn
How not to leave claw marks
On your heart
And on your arms,
As you are taken from me by your indecision
And my intensity.
Everything I've ever lost
Has been mutilated by my loving it
Pried from my fingers
And I am learning as I go-
This is not a drill-
These alarms scream truth-
No time to stop and think-
How to be gentler,
And less afraid.
Sometimes this burning soul is too hot inside
And my words flee and tumble down my fire escape wrists,
Or dive from my lips like suicides from tenth story windows
And
I am trying to learn, through the smoke and panic in here
How to breathe deep even as my lungs constrict.
I am trying to learn how to say hello to you
Without you knowing I said it
Without needing to prove to myself that you do
Remember I am ashes for you.
I need to make my friction fire heart
Believe you heard
When I am really all alone in here
Fighting the blaze on my own
Armed with buckets of water.
(Water makes electrical fires hotter
But somehow I keep it coming like a rainstorm
Even though I know you've struck like lightning
And I have caught like a too-old Christmas tree
Going up in flames with a whoosh
To match its twinkling lights.)
There is
Something
Burning in here
And I am trying to stay calm,
Remember to hug the floorboards even if it feels like resignation
Remember to test every door with the back of my hand even when
All I wanna do
Is run through.
But the thing is
I can't kamikaze jump from my own body-
There is no out for me
And that's really why I am so afraid of this inferno-
I better learn
Quick
How to keep the sparks in, how to dampen the flames
Or I will die here
Or worse,
Smoke you
Out
And just end up standing alone
In a gutted building
With ashes slipping silky through my fingers.
No,
I need to learn, I need to learn now
I need to learn
Yesterday
How not to need you
Quite so close
That you burn your palms on the heat of my door handles.

And so starts another day.
Here we go again.
The bullying, the abuse, the lies that never end.
Fighting my demons as I walk around.
So many people stomping me to the ground.
Here goes another day of trying to stay strong.
Fighting back tears, making the most of things that will go wrong.
Here goes another day forcing a smile.
Fighting my demons I've been fighting for a while

I'm a man of many faces
I've carved out over time
I carry them around with me
In a leather bag strapped to my side

Usually I'll leave it up to others
How it is they set the mood
The way we interact
To what face it is I choose

I have a face I use for concern
One I have that looks deep in thought
I'm still working on the one that looks like it's in love
But I'm not sure I'll use it a lot

I've got one that's fairly happy
It's taken years to carve it out
Five different ones in stages of sadness
Two that are riddled with doubt

I hold onto one that no longer fits me
I haven't worn in quite some time
It's the face that I was born with
The innocence of a child

One I've carved over and over
Cause I wear it out all the time
It's the one with the look of disbelief
When it gazes on the state of mankind

I have a face with which I greet strangers
One I use with friends
Also a face that says I'm sorry
If I need to make amends

But there is one I don't carry with me
The face I leave at home
For when I lock my door at night
It's the face I call alone...