Dreamt of a happy Christmas It never came We all went down Sick ****** shame. Vaccinations What a load of shat Hot honey and A lemon drink And a cuddle from the cat. New year come and went Bank balance didn’t Take a dent. Me and the cat were Nearly back to square one So all you people in poetry Land have a good year And lots of fun.
England football Tuchell in charge For us supporters A German thats hard. We’ve had an Italian We’ve a had a swede Still it’s just pure fantasy. This manager has no class Like all the rest Not good enough To wipe Alf Ramseys ****. The trophy room Countable of one. It’s like having bullets But no ****** gun, Tuchell singing god Save the king Thats going to be A tricky thing. Football football Coming home Fantasy football On me phone.
Went on a dating site I didn’t seem right Ending up dating A lady called Mike This was embarrassing Don’t you see This lovely lady Had a bigger Wicket Than me. I was stumped Didn’t know What to do So I phoned up Sherlock To give us a clue This lovely lady With a wicket And two bails I think this relationship Was doomed to fail.
Spring is here Flowers in bloom Church bells ring For the bride and groom. Butterflies are on the wing Listen to the choir sing, The congregation Of to the pub to Down some ales And Eat lots of grub. Music starts the band Plays on The bride dances To her favourite song, While the groom Is doing something Terribly wrong. Use your imagination It’s a difficult mess With the bridesmaid He wasn’t playing chess. Spring is here Flowers in bloom Divorce bells ring For the bride and groom.
Got a big dog Called Blacksmith Stands four Foot from The floor Every time I kick him He makes A bolt for The door.
My my mate Shane Got hit by a train He wasn’t happy Life did not fit In the end He’s was Chuffed to bits.
Noah the dog Lost his bark, Walking In the rain Other dogs would laugh Too see him in such pain, He got his voice back This obedient chow They laughed Even louder When he went meow.
I got my kicks On route 67 She lived at The top Of my stairway To heaven. Her lust for life Second to none She was my pretty woman In her house of fun.
Loving her was A coming Of age Beauty personified My teenage rampage, Very sweet she’s truly Alive wow she loved my Dimblegate drive.
I got my kicks Out of route 68 I gave her all my Loving When I was at her gate. We Get it on we did not fret High on the happy side I made her wet wet wet.
I got my kicks on route 69 That’s where Rhiannon My pretty woman Didn’t walk the line
Got my kicks on route 70 Up that stairway I did get plenty, Her loving arms My jailhouse rock Use your imagination I’ll do anything For love but I won’t do that.
You got me doing What you want me to do. Im inept Gullible I haven’t a clue You got me going up You got me going down Im your puppet A manipulated clown. Im your umbrella In the pouring rain Im caught in your Insanity I do not complain I’ve got loads of money She’s the happiness trap Im the toilet paper when she Needs a crap. I need her I love her With true grit But most of all I stay with her Because She’s Got *******. In the end I will Have the last laugh I am Drowning the ***** In an acid bath.
Can boundaries Make society stable Do’s electricity Need a cable Do we serve A flag When willing And able Do many words Make up a fable When a horse bolts Will it need a stable Can disability Make you enable Can you sell an item Without a label If you chop me legs of Will I come unstable Can you drink lots of Of alcohol and drink Me under the table Have you got a garment Made out a sable I’ve had enough Of this stupid rhyme Im going home To have *** with Mabel.
Piccadilly Circus Leicester Square Of to pall mall Without a care. Victoria station Waterloo Sights and sounds And the well to do, King’s Cross Euston station Oh look Buckingham palace Is having a celebration. Of down the old Kent road People coming in People stepping off People going for A drink in the frog and toad. My life is hectic Bustling with fuss It’s good fun being Red and a London bus
I went From the Nadir to the Zenith my dear I walked and walked I didn’t stop then all of a Sudden I had reached the top My reward was this fantastic view Top of my empire where the sky is blue When looking out smiling without a care a Thought ran through my head what is life with a stair.
Basil, Rosemary And good Girl Thyme, Good ******* Partners in crime Supermarket Products They would steal, Anything they could get their Hands on to Make a hot meal. Lasagne is their Favourite They liked it Nice and hot Then having a chuckle All three of Them laid on top.
I was Albert Pierrepoint Apprentice so called hangman’s mate. We hanged them in Pentonville And buried them In high gate. A sad job we had to do Was hang a lovely Lass called Ruth Ellis Just before the hanging She asked us if she Could be hanged in the **** So I said yes. Seems not right To be so ****** rude. She had her last meal Chicken soup Then she walked out To face the noose. She dropped Her gown Albert was all at sea, Ruth said why are You staring at me. I’d like to say missus Ellis you have an attractive cut She replied Im all Yours if you keep Your trap shut.
***** habits Me think The wife leaves Washing up in the sink. She knows That’s where I like to wee ***** habit She’s got Do you agree. In the bathroom Her ***** habits Make me laugh She knows I like Dump in the bath. She’s got one last habit A backside thorn She’s got the remote When I want to Watch ****. Im going to get Some ***** habits of my own I have to leave her And find a home, Alone.
I love These islands Of love They call The Maldives Lovely place Lovely people Beautiful weather Deep blue sea. White sand Between one’s toes A beautiful place Where ******’s Go’s
Farmers like to muck the pigs, Where judges like the boys With flowing wigs. Where ***** Women keep An eye out for You Now this is an island Reality can do. This love island Im going to give a bash Because I’m a ****** With lots l cash.
Love island Trouty lips Lovely ladies With gorgeous Hips. An arcade Of human flesh Boys and girls A reality mess, Im not a fan as You can guess It’s just a market Where you can sell Your flesh. This is the pits Cheap TV Leave love island To sink in the sea. Reality TV Is not reality Just making Rich so called Talentless Celebrities
We’ve come to The end of Your rainbow, We gave it a go. Loving you Was really true When Weirdly A ***** You grew, It kept on growing like Pinocchio nose I thought we were in the Rocky horror show. What the duck I do not know All I could do Is watch it grow. This ***** did A coloured life When I married her I do think she was My wife.
Beatles had their yesterday Bowie had his laughing gnome Elvis in his ghetto With his gramophone. Frank Sinatra Flew to the moon Kirk Kobain died to soon. Janis Joplin Mr cohen Had there Chelsea hotel From the sky John Denver Fell. oh well. Johnny cash Had his ring Of fire, Ian Dury Who had his Rhythm stick Whom I admired. Buddy Holly Had his Peggy sue When he died She felt the pain His music didn’t Die on that plane. Many artists Have passed Away Some were just having a laugh Some went drug crazy And died in a bath. Jimmy Hendrix Alvin Lee still play the blues It will be On your turn table It’s up to you To choose.
Me and my Woman we had A spat, Over who Looked better In her wedding Dress I said she was fat She didn’t like that she Punched me In the face She wears the Trousers In our house My comment Was misplaced. Don’t takeaway From the fact She’s still fat. In the wedding dress I looked better, We had a spat I think I won that. Round two Of this spat Her trousers Came of And I was right That lovely dress Was far too tight. Spat three came Her head aloft Said muck you mickhead The Wedding is off.
Promenade amblers Ice cream lickers Life guard savers Beach ball kickers. Deck chair sitters Bikini wearers Lovely ladies Summer starers. Sand castle makers Fish and chips For tea A cuddle on The ferris wheel For you and me. People playing In the penny arcade My memories of summer Will never fade.
I am stuck in a bubble I am West Ham Playing football They best I can, I left Upton Park The Boleyn ground For pastures new I took the hammers Sound. On this surface I did not rest, I am the ghost Of Mr Clyde Best I am stuck in a bubble I am West Ham Always and forever A loyal fan.
All of my Deleted Rhymes Have come Back from The dead I asked Them not to But they wanted to Be read. I said It was Not right We debated Late into The night. The problem Was the pen said it Didn’t feel right. So these deleted Rhymes decided Put up a fight. They Took me to court On charges of copy write. These rhymes They had a nerve Did me and my pen Get what we deserve Up in court in me Tie and blazer I said ******* Rhymes and got Out me eraser.
Is there anyone Out there find My rhymes Funny, Please subscribe Send me lots of Of money. If so write Them in a book, On Copyright Me and the cat will overlook . You good poets Out there put Me to shame Im better of Playing the Scrabble game. I’ve had a few Guinness It’s late at night, Im going to sleep Out goes the light.
Walked up the gangway Aboard I went Read all my letters My lover had sent. Unpacked my bags Tried out the bed A nice Four poster to rest my head. Tuxedo on Bow tie straight Of for dinner Going to Staying up late. Asked the steward For some ice in me drink How was I to know The Titanic would sink.
Boarded a plane Of on holiday We Took of We’re on our way. I had a drink And some grub I asked the steward If I could join The mile high club She was fantastic Making love to me Then the bomb Went of over Lockerbie.
Went to America To take in a show Into the night The lights would glow, Went with a beauty Whom I admired Then the shots Rang out a gun had Been fired Music still played The pavement Went red Bullets flying ironically To the sounds of The grateful dead.
If I have offended In this rhyme Im a unlucky Traveller going Through time.
Kids are playing up I’ve tasered them And put them in cuffs. When they come round I’ve got a pit in the ground. If they don’t calm Down For heavens sake I will fill the pit With deadly snakes, If they behave Feed them I might Then after they can Play with dynamite.. My children I know Can be a bit of a pain They told me once They thought I was insane. They love me really So don’t call the cops If my wife finds out I’ve written this crap She will blow her ****** top.
Window cleaner Cleaned many a pane, What I’ve seen Would put Babe station to shame. People having A meal for two, Up on me ladder I had a perfect view. Through peoples Windows I had To clean, Eye sore carnal pleasure, Do you know What I mean, Me ladders A treasure.
Met a woman She’s eighty two She wanted *** I hadn’t a clue. I said look Thats fine By me Can you Hurry up, Because Next week I turn One hundred And three. I enjoyed it I do confess, I didn’t think I could make That much mess. I think this woman Took advantage of me Who cares I died happy 103.
Got a new cat Mollie died Tears that night I did cry This new cat I do confess On the carpet Milly left a mess.. Big pile of **** You gone And guessed it I got up And stood in it. Owl and the ***** cat in A boat If she don’t Use her litter tray I will pack her bags And her hat and coat.
My doggerel I will Still write Hey Some are good Some are *****. BPD tares me apart Never happy Always sad Sometimes angry Never glad. Always inept I don’t concept You can depend I will offend, Hey hey It’s still me Writing a form Of **** poetry. My mental health, getting Better bit by bit Even John Lennon Couldn’t write This ****
Happy i am Dancing in flowers. Happy I am Feelings are great Happy I am Going on a date. Happy I am A dinner for two. Happy I am I must not rant, Happy I am Not to get excited And piddle My pants. Happy I am I just got paid Happy I am I’ve never Been laid Happy I am Like champagne In a coffee cup Im staying Undateable Because He never turned up. Sat at the table Put on a smile Felt undateable Still un-relatable Not happy I am I feel deeply cut Looks like Another night in With me legs shut.
Where for out there Juliet I am Romeo Give me a bit Of slap and tickle Of to war I go. In the carnage Juliet Sometimes I might Get some time free, Then I’ll send You all my love In sweet verses Of poetry.
Heads are splattered Insanity running rife If I get out of this **** hole, Juliet will you Be my Darling wife.
I am Juliet Im having a wonderful life **** of Romeo You ******* I’ll never be your wife.
Im a three Legged chicken Living on a farm Hoping this year I won’t come To any harm. I like my extra leg, Keeping my Feathers intact, Im not fit for the table Me and the Farmer we had A little chat. I said to the farmer I’ll take the job Of Molly the cat With this extra Leg I could catch all Those rats. We Three legged chickens Your on to a winner Let me tell you Mr farmer We’re not made For Sunday dinner.
Brian the snail Turbo fast Entered races In Every race He came last. Raced the tortoise Raced the sloth Kept on racing But still he lost. Brian would race With a sluggish Smile Lost to the hare By a country mile. Brian the snail Raced Ellie the elephant You guessed it He lost but at a price Brian was duly squashed. They retired his number, Number seven So Brian the snail could race Again in heaven.
I wish I was A penguin So I could Endure This cold. My pet Penguin Loves it But me Im To old. Im in front of Of the fire Room still Like deep freeze Me pet polar bear Curled up Looking well At ease. I have a white rabbit But he’s not Really real He don’t careless, The cold he cannot feel.
Many soldiers Died in the, Battle of Somme Why did they Do it When you know war Is wrong. Four years Of carnage Four years Of death Four years Of battlefields Turning ****** red Military madness the ******* war machine Millions of deaths Imagine it to ****** Obscene.
Im not Spartacus Im a cowardly fellow Not fighting The ****** romans They must think I’m Yellow. I use my wits To stay alive I Use my brain So I survive. Im not being Punctured by A Roman spear ******* lot Im out of here. Im not Spartacus Pinned to a cross Go on fight those Romans It’s your bloodied loss. Not for me to Die on pastures Red I want to get old Before Im dead. Spartacus Spartacus On a cross, so deflated All your followers Have been liquidated . Im still alive a Roman slave, Better alive Than be in a grave.
I got my false teeth From a charity shop Top and bottom Did fit the slot. For three weeks the Cat chewed me food Now with teeth I am in a better mood. Got me toothbrush From a charity shop We’re selling them cheap Didn’t cost a lot. Couldn’t find a dentist On the NHS So me north and south Became a bit of a mess.
Brought a used toilet roll From a charity shop I got to stop writing this ****.
Cinderella had Two ugly sisters And a wicked mum Cinderella a buxom Lass she knew How to have fun. She brought a magnum Not the ice cream type To **** them all when the time Was right. Cinderella never Went to the ball She wasn’t interested In the ****** shoe With premeditation She knew what to do. Wearing a gown so Silky red She popped the trio In their heads. This wonderful pantomime was All the rage Three dead people And a ****** stage.
Love is like A kaleidoscope Lots of colours With, Heart full of Hope. Feelings are like A telescope The more I see The more I cope. Emotions are like A microscope The bigger The picture With lots of *****.( slides)