Electric, electric man
Why do you make me cry
I will -ucking tell you
Your Prices are too high.

Gasman gasman
You to make me cry
Bring down your prices
The cold makes people die.

Sainsbury’s Tesco’s
You to make me cry
Profiteering *******
Food can’t be priced
This high.

All you brexeteers
Who voted let’s get out
Blame it on the Russians
Was this to a good shout.

Labour ,conservatives
got into bed with the reds
Now cap in hand to the
Americans just to get fed.

It’s all reverting back
To the bad old days
Where rich suppressed
The poor
We all know
what happened there
Two world wars.

Why are we feeding arms
It makes us lots of money
Depramental to our own
Health it’s sad
but really funny.

Cat hairs in me fridge
Cat hairs in me tea
Cat hairs in me coffee
Cat hairs on me
Everyday I hoover
Molly likes  it to
Im fed up of hoovering
But what can I do.
She is an adoring cat
Never misbehaves
She’s  still
A hairy cat
Can’t get myself to shave.
Molly the fur ball
Hair everywhere
Really my lovely
I just don’t care.
Hair on my bed
Covered by her fleece
Me and Molly
All curled up
Seemingly at peace.

You have
A good heart
In an ugly body
Even your
wheelchair smells
Just a bit to shoddy
I to have
A good heart
And an ugly body
My wheelchair
Stinks and to is
Rather shoddy.
Two smelly wheelchairs
Two good hearts
In loving terms
Thats a good start

There’s a breezy wind
Down bridal path
Morning birds
Tweeting
Having a laugh.
Mr fox ambled by
With distain let
Out a sigh
On her branch
Mother hawk sat
Eyes her prey
A nice brown rat.
Rabbits and hares
Unregimented in
The field skittering
Around Without a care.
Roe deers appear
So aloof
Walk this bridal path
It happens that’s
the truth.

Put 100 pounds
On a horse
You got it
Lost of course
Put 100 pounds
On bang on the bell
Lost on that
It fell as well
Put 100 pounds
On who’s the face
Guess what never
Finished the race.
Put 100 pounds
On number eight
On the off just
Sat in the gate.
400 pounds give it
One more shot
Put 100 pounds down
And lost the lot.
Nothing was going to stop
This losing run
Should have gone to
The brothel and had
Some fun

I was once a pugilist
A boxer of note
I got beat in three rounds
Against  Mohammed Ali
He became known as the goat.
I was once a sprinter
Runner up was my spot
This spot  Was not my fault
Couldn’t catch the
Master, Mr Usain Bolt.
I was once a snooker player
Snooker cue in hand
Played Ronnie O’Sullivan
For a miserly 500 grand
Really wasn’t about the
Money I couldn’t
Give a toss
You know the outcome
I got thrashed,
I jolly
Well lost.
I played football it’s called
The beautiful game
Played for Leeds United
There’s where I got my fame.
I got paid millions,
Millions every year
Never to be a winner
Now that’s ****** queer

Tycoon man of property
In Mayfair they found
Him dead.
It looked like
****** a bullet to
The head
Properties a plenty
Railway stations too
All the amenities
Totted up to a fair few.
His life started on the
Old Kent road
Was
Ended in Mayfair
Community chest
Was set up for all
So challenge me if you dare.
The police investigated
This man of wealth and property
He Left his legacy  a family game
He Called it monopoly
They found his killer
His younger brother bill
He’s gone straight to jail
For a life in Pentonville

1+2=4
This is why I
Showed maths
The door
Algebra and binary
Are they confusing
Or is it just me.
Angles and
Denominators
Maths teachers all
Base dictators.
Obtuse and
Isosceles
All they gave me
Was
Brain freeze.
Times, dividing adding up
Its not my cup of tea
Numbers **** there
Not  my thing
I ask you this can Einstein sing
Most probably.

I’ve got a terrible story
Of violence and butchery
The butchers ****** apron
Filled up many a cemetery.
Admiral Nelson flew
His flag many didn’t even
Make the body bag.
Captain cook
Natives mis took
At there terrible demise
In the Caribbean
You can still hear
There blooded cries.
The butcher apron flies
On every warship
Building an empire
For  good old queen Vic
We built our cities
On sugar cane
Through suffering
Lots of pain.
Mothers
Fathers
Sons and
Daughters
The butchers apron
Had no heart
It was all about
The slaughter.

Had a dear friend
Tiger was his name
Loved his golf
He could play
The beautiful game.
Then one day
He had a stroke
Bit of bad luck
Very nice bloke
On his last hole
He shot a seven
I asked to let me
Know if they play
Golf in heaven
He passed a way
Year to the day
Then I heard
Him softly say.
Got good news
and some bad
Good News yes they
Do play
Playing golf in heaven
But now I have some
News of Sorrow.
You are such a wonderful
Chap
You’re  in the team tomorrow.

Never closed
Always ajar
Letting people
In its to bizarre
Doors open
just a bit
For
communication
Purposes.
My doors ajar
But i am closed within
With every knock back
I’ll take
on the chin.
All I have is skin
And bone
Oh so sad all alone
Im so dark
I have a flaw
Letting people in
My front door.

Blue eyes crying
In the rain
No more teardrops
Down the drain
If I could get
Out of these
Chains
I would bleed
Your throat.
Black eyes crying
In the snow
Im all chained up
Nowhere to go
Release me from
These steel chains
So I can eat your
Delicious brain.
Green eyes crying in
Inclement weather
All chained up
Tarred and feathered
Looking forward
to the hangman’s noose
Your so lucky these chains
Aren’t loose.

Innocent people
Why must they die
Establishment must
win
that’s
The reason
why.
Lions will **** the week
Claws  they will surely
Bare
Innocent people will die
Starving Every ****** where.
When the wells run totally dry
We will have no more tears to cry
Establishment will
Turn there backs
And blatantly openly
Lie.
I will try not to believe
Our corrupt government
Who will deceive
When the well is full
And plenty
Our governors
Will be sure to empty.

Im about to write a
Simple
scary ode,
Already people
Inane people
You’ve let me
into your home.
Im going to travel up
Your sweet loving
  spinal chord
Infect your
lonesome mind
That you can be assured.
This scary ode will infect
Your home
Please my darlings
Don’t be alone.
Hope you have a password
A good security code
Because I’m scary
Quite contrary
This sweet little ode
If your reading
I do fear to dread
All you lovely  beauties
Will  end up
brown bread.

My mate bill
Invented the wheel
Had an idea from my
Mate Mike
Add another wheel
Then we’ve got a bike
On this bike we will not
Get far
Two more wheels
Will
Have a car.
My mate harry
They said was a liar
Not known to them
He was a superb flier
They  labeled him
*****  
cruelly
insane
This man  my
Friends made the aeroplane.
My friend sue was at loose end
She didn’t know what to do.
People assumed what a loon
From one socket
She made a rocket
And flew it to the moon.
My mate Mandy
she came in handy
We needed lots of parts
Getting all those ideas
In your head
Then one can make a start.

Just picked up
A pigeon
It didn’t have
A head
A car had hit
It now it’s
Awfully dead.
People looked
At it
Saying Im not
Touching that
I’ll eat it said the
Magpie and
The hungry cat.
Just spotted a car
It had no speedy wheels
Someone had nicked them
Now he knows how
The pigeon feels
People looked at the car
The car it’s not fit
For scrap
Fred and Jim
Down the cafe  said
We!ll have some of  that.

The sun has got
His hat on
Hip hip
Hip hip horray
The sun has got
His hat on and
He’s coming
Out to play.
Nuclear bomb
Has got his
Warhead on
He wants to
Come and play
He wants to travel
To the sun
And take
Our lives away.
If you have something
good
You must have something
bad
Problem with that
One makes you happy
The other so saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

Big C is
Not the fun guy
To be
around
At all
Once he gets hold
Of you
Your gonna make
A call
He took my mate
Jim away
Riddled him with
Pain
Off to the hospice
Never to be seen
Again.
Big C
Not the fun guy
To be
around
Sometimes just a
Whiff of him
will put you
Underground
Big C took my mum away
And millions like her to
Hidden in plain sight
Don’t let big C take you too.

The man who
Invented
Scrabble died,
Was it natural
Or third degree
Put the words
Down. maybe.
Numbers attached
To letters
place
Them on a board
Put them on a
Triple just to
Boost your score.
Double was the trouble
Triple always red
Then one day a word
Did play
Fantastically high of
Score
Scrabble man had
Heart attack
He can’t play no more

I want to be
Controversial
Through a spanner
In the works
Not having
To be tight lipped
I’d rather go berserk.
No woke restraints
must be free speech
Never shackled ever
Shackled to
Eat ones peach.
Freedom is our liberty
Everybody  free
Sometimes I want to be
Controversial oh well
That’s just me.

On the bus
Coming home
I speak to
Brother
On the phone
Growing up far
To tense
One thing
We had was
A sixth
Sense.
I was ill took
A bucket full
Of pills
To end my
****** life.
How my brother
New of this
Is quite beyond me
He phoned the police
I was nearly at peace
They dragged me out of
My ****** room
Down the stairs
Doom and gloom.
Of I went to A and E
Then they phoned my family
For days and days they
were by my side
Why did I try to commit
Suicide.
Really don’t know what
It meant
All I know my brothers bond
He had a sixth sense.

I have a line for the 300 poets
If everybody was alright
There would be nobody left.

You knock my door
I greet with smile
I get butterflies
Will you stay awhile

Our lips touch
We kiss and cuddle
My mind elated
Im all befuddled.

Would you like
A glass of wine
Please my dear
That will be fine.

Would you like
some nibbles
Something to
Eat
Listen to some music
Watch a film
Something
That’s not to deep

In each others arms
Embracing seems
So right
Softly rolling over
One turns out
the glowing light.

Little piggy
Won a meal for three
Of to the Ritz
Greeted by the maitre de
Twenty course meal
That’s a lot to bank
Two piggy’s ate
Thee other one drank
Maitre de asked
Bemused confused
Why did you two eat
And your mate
Drank while
On the phone
I will reply said I
One of us at to go
Wee wee
all the way home.

Where did you
learn to cook
From a
Jack and Jill
Cookery book.

Is this all the
Best you can do
This is cat food
this is
Not a stew.

You come on the show
Tried to do a roast
You should have
Stuck to beans on toast.

You can’t cook
You make horrible cakes
Your not fit to wash
The plates.

Celebrities on my TV
Trying to cook
Not for me.
I wonder what’s all the fuss
They pushed poor Dave
Under the cookery bus.

Did he deserve that
first course
He got bad afters
Celebrities
showing
No remorse

BBC  will stab you in the back
Then give you the -ucking sack
All cookery programmes a
Waste
Of time
Did Dave really commit
A horrible  crime.

Is there anybody out
There
Wants to part with there
Money.
I don’t care what amount
I’ll set you up,
Put it in my bank account
I really do love you
Like a bee making honey
I need your loving
But mostly your money.
Did you know they
Took the word gullible
Out of the dictionary book,
Something you might
have overlooked,
Is there anybody out
Out there
Could I be a honey
To say l love you
And thieve your money.
Take from the gullible
Give to the poor
I think not.

There was once a schicklgruber
What is it in a name
In the last century
He played a deadly game.
People believed in him
They made a costly mistake
He took them down
a path of death.
They took their  slice of cake.
He was once an orator
With hatred in his voice
The world came down
Upon him
He  had no ****** choice.
Suppression oppression
You can’t keep people down
Learn from history humans
Extinction we will drown

Got myself in a bit of a mess
Insult William the conqueror
I do confess
He wasn’t pleased
He felt a bit sick
I started the war in 1066.

Spanish armada
Francis drake
I sunk all the ships
It’s just  deep fake.

Great Britain is my home
It has a mighty roar
I got up to a bit of
Mischief
And caused a civil war.

Boer war
I had to settle a score
We had a fight
We called a truce
With my mate Bruce
It was a honourable  draw.

I was on HMS Victory
Cruising up the Nile
I caused a bit of raucous
It made old  Nelson smile.

I caused the First World War
Bucket and ***** in hand
I was on holiday
Accidentally
killing my best mate
Archduke Ferdinand .

Sitting at home in 39
Bored with nothing
To do
That’s where I had the
Idea
To start World War Two

Troubled I was
I needed to play
Crossed the ocean
Went to the USA
There I concocted
My next mischievous
Plan
I got the Americans to
Invade Vietnam.

Hope I haven’t offended
With this  bravado rhyme
I just me despicable me
You got it  Im
Planning world war three.

My mate Dave
Went to a rave
Took some drugs
Now lies in a grave.

My mate Steve
On ******* and crack
Now resides in a
Mortuary
lying on
His back.

Overdose Bill
Cardinal sin
Stupid ****
Passed away
Took to much
******.

My mate John
Did it all wrong
A shot in the arm
Did a lot of harm.
He’s alive
not very well
Residing in a
Hospice
An empty shell.

Runstable woodhams
Is my name
Lost my friends
Playing a dangerous game
Many more died
Life run out of  the fire
Twist about this rhyme
I was there drug supplier.

Sweet little butterfly
Flirting with the flowers
Flying through the air
Between the April showers
Sweet nectar which you
Search
nature gives you plenty
A kiss from a butterfly
Will never leave you empty

Colours of the rainbow
Arc through your heart
Sunny days rainy days
Please hold my hand.

Waves of your emotions
Come piercing through
Your eyes
I will never question you
Please be by my side.

Loving and fire oozes
From your touch
I need the warmth
and passion
Am I asking too much.

The aroma from your skin
Sunshine from your mind
I’ll try and make you happy
Till the day we die.

My name is Van Gogh
I painted the clouds
It’s a bit of work which
I am quite proud.
My name is Marcel Deauchamp
I painted pictures of toiletry crap
It’s my painting style  Im very
Proud of that.
My name is Edvard munch
I painted the scream
Nothing about this painting
Is about what it seems.
My name is mark bell
I do painting as well
It’s like my writing
Crap.

I walked a crooked mile
Had to many pints
Of Guinness.
While Zig zag walking
It made the locals smile.
Half an hour later
Should be nearly home
Im going to have a chatter
To the big white telephone.
Late for work
Might get the 45
After a good Guinness
Session it’s good to be alive.

Jaws the film
has its sharks,
Blazing saddles
Lots of laughs.
Exorcist was very
Scary
King Kong
Very hairy
Green mile
Tom hanks class,
Rocky horror
Show what a farce.
It’s up there with
The best
One flew over the
Cuckoos nest.
Shaving Ryan’s privates
Classic film of war
While
Ghost busters had
my favourite score.
Memories of films
Over years fade
In my overall
Opinion
Toy Story
The best film
Ever made.

Every morning
When you wake
My mornings
Come alive.
I Watch you dress
Put your make
Up on
I do smile as the
Day goes on.
Then at night
When you disappear
I begin to sulk
Having nothing
To leer.
When you return
And the lights go on
All your beauty
Is back where it belongs
In the morning I will
See you later
Your ever
loving
wallpaper.

All year been
Rather sad
Not been good
Feeling bad.
Been couped up
All year long
This year  I feel there's
Something wrong.
Moths have been
Picking at  my brains.
Been all year
Going insane
This year doing
something
Different
Whoops Im under a train.

Molly the sleeping cat
Eighteen hours
Laying out flat
Feeding time she asks
For haaaaaaam
Hold on a minute
Going fast as I can.
Molly Molly seventeen
Always grooming
Keeping clean
She dos not wander
Very far
She parks her backside
Under  the wheel arch
Of my neighbours car.
Molly Molly
A big ball of fur
Lots of sleeping
Do you concur

My spiny
Cactus
On my
Window sill
Soaking up
My music
It’s a lovely
Day.
Sun coming
Through
My window
Watch those
Cacti smile
Enjoying the
Music
They’ve been
There awhile.
Bulbous bill
He’s the big
One swaying
On the sill
Spiny spike
The tall one
Never sitting still.
Different shapes
And sizes
Make this motley
Crew,
Listening to the
Music
Soaking up the sun
Family of cacti
Having some
Summer fun.

Sudoku compiler he to died
Numbers didn’t add up
The numbers  lied.
In every square
Numbers one to nine
They found him
Swinging from
A Washing line.
Suicide it was
Certainly not,
It was
****** in the first
Degree
All the numbers
Were arrested
Accept for number three.
This mathematician
Was truly slain
For compiling
Bad sudoku games.

Looking at you
With reddish eyes
Emotions burnt
Inside have died.
All you have left
Me
is hurtful tears
Heartbroken and
Chards of fear.
You trampled over
All our dreams
Blood in my veins
Became a polluted
Stream
Heartbroken
Lost my zest
I gave love a chance
And failed the test.

As I was walking down a street
A ******* I did meet
A simple man he got upset
He told me he was a flibbertigibbet.
Talking away most of the day
Bumfuzzled he became,
Dagnabit I don’t need this dinglebob
So I sent him on his way
Everything went cattywampus
The day went a bit agathokakological
Now writing this *******
Im starting to feel
Floccinaucinihilipilificational

Floccinaucinihilipilification
It’s  a long word spreading
Cruelly throughout our nation.
Prices high, feeling cold
So much hate,  Im getting old
I  will now confess
It’s gone all a mess
I got this feeling of
Worth full ness.

Trying to be
A silk purse
In a blood
stained dress
Nasty person
Your life’s
A mess.
I need you
We must asunder
You are my lightening
Im not your thunder.
I need you
I won’t deceive
Cant live a life
Of make believe.
Silk purse thing won’t
Wash with me.
So I must  
go home
alive and
Unhappy.

Sun field pastures
Turquoise skies
Watching people
Walking  by
Fallowed land
Beauty of stone
As I travel Im
never Alone
Rainbows dancing
In the breeze
Rain and the sun
Are such at ease.
I walk my country
Head held high
I will walk this walk
Till the day I die.

Cryptic crossword compiler
Suddenly died.
Police
the autopsy people
Never knew why.
The crossword  compiler
Was a clever dude
Left the police lots
Off clues
Autopsy could not
shed no light
Detectives they to
not so bright.
Suicide no no no
Poison just a
step to low.
So do you want to
Know how he met his maker
Answer will be in
tomorrows paper.
If your reading this
And at a loss
Visit the cemetery
He’s buried there
Three down and two across.

It was on the morn
A child was born
Coveted with love,
An angel came down
And took your hand
In a shape of a pure
white dove.

While sitting on
A white washed wall
Longtime I would sit
A squirrel came up
To me and asked me
For a cup of tea.
Hello mr squirrel
You seem very nice
I have no tea but
I have coffee
Would that be suffice.
We conversed the
Squirrel and I
Talked about anything
Time just flew by.
Mister squirrel
please don’t
Leave
I like you very much
Im out of here said
The squirrel
I can  see your really
nuts.

Blood runs cold
Down blooded steel
No time to reflect
On how you feel.
Soldier oh soldier
Stalwart and true
The lives you take
Become apart of you.
Corrupting thoughts
Haunting your mind
Taking your eyes
Where the sun
Don’t shine
Barbed wire soul
Acid shot eyes
Aftermath of war
Mother cries.
Blood runs cold down
Blooded steel
Ask for help
Before god we kneel.

My dad made an ark
He made it out of wood
All this rain we’re having
He did the best he could.
Me family were astounded
Creatures came from there
So utterly dumbfounded
The came in ****** pairs.
Dad made a place
For all animals on the ark
We had no lighting so they
Had to **** in the dark.
One animal kingdom
Lost to the sea
All that poo was getting
To me.
40 days  
40 nights the waters started
To recede with a sigh of relief
All the animals were pleased.
When all the animals left
Two by two
That left me family and a couple
Of crew
That night we ate and we did pray
Guess what happened
It rained next day.

Loneliness is a broken heart
Tears will fall from heaven
Love is like a happiness trap
Stuck between *** and seven
Loneliness is a place of dread
Tears from footsteps
Which you have tread.
Loneliness when blue eyes cry
A broken heart
inside you die.