toska (n.)-
a dull ache of the soul,
a longing with nothing
to long for

i haven't believed
in anything
like i believe
in you

i.
there are some mornings that i
can't get out of bed.  it's much safer
underneath the covers, and even if my sheets aren't
white like they are supposed to be
they are the only things that still feel clean
because every other inch of my room
still tastes and smells and feels like you.

ii.
it was 12:07 when i saw you again
for the first time in months; you didn't know what to
say, so i said it all for you by saying
nothing; it was just enough for both of us.

iii.
later i told you that we should talk, but
when the time came, i couldn't find my words,
so instead, i just decided to cling to you.  
you thought it was maybe because i was trying to
tell you i missed you, or maybe  i was leading you
on- you were wrong on both accounts.
i was just scared of letting you go because you
make bad decisions when you're alone and i didn't want you
to leave the room feeling cold.

iv.
there are some nights that i
can't get into bed.  when i'm awake at least i can
control the number of times you get into my head;
but sleep scares me now because every time i
close my eyes it's like you're still here and
no matter how hard i pretend that your company is easy
it's always unsettling- the honest truth is that
ever since i let you go, i've watched you become a ghost.

(things are heavy,
but i can be strong
for you)

braving the thunder was
nothing
compared to braving the
lightning beneath your
fingertips.

.
i want to carve
the ugly
out of my
bones
.

tonight, he told of his scars-

drugs and parties and drinking
left no physical wounds,
but when his knuckles tapped
the podium
we could all see he was
cracked
and
bruised
and

still

hurting.


look, i wanted to say,
*my story hurts too much to tell,
but i have scars
just like you,
just like you,
i hurt too.

how do we
overcome
ourselves?*
he asked,
and i cried
because i
know that
we can't.

sometimes if
you linger long
enough, i can
still feel you
even after you've
gone, i can still
feel you,
i can still