i
am
s  o
sorry
that   i
couldn't
help you
find  your
way    back
to your heart.

you always said it
reminded you of
coming home after
your fiancée cheated
on you. today it
reminded me of your
fingers and my favorite
ring. i listened to take offs
and landings the whole
way home. i pinched my arm
through the entire distance
of edwardsville. i drove
in the center lane and
went through smog of
me saying i would have
waited thirty years for you.
i wish there was a
different way home
from lawrence.

I love that every time
you hear that word-
wholeheartedly- a
switch will flip in your
brain (a Megan Switch,
if you will) and you will
think of me telling you
why I love that word,
think of my laugh,
think of my unstrong arms,
think of that note you
wrote me just two months
ago (the same note that I
ripped to shreds and
threw in the Missouri River
with the rest of your things,
watched the pieces flutter
in the 3 am air before they
began their journey to the
Gulf of Mexico) with that
sentence scribbled at the end.
"I love you wholeheartedly."

i'm  finding  comfort
in the  fact that, even
for a little while, you
were  just  as  lost  as
i always  seem  to be

the last time you left my apartment
back in may i had so much trouble
turning the doorknob after you
had  been  the  last  to  wrap
your   fingers   around  it
t h a t  i almost didn't
leave     for     work.
now i  c a n  barely
sit on my couch
or stand by the
kitchen door
or  pick  up
mysuitcase
or    touch
my own
s  k  i  n
in   the
s po ts
y  o  u
have.