They say a human
can spot the flicker
of a candle from 30
miles away, Hey,
out there, in the
dark, I can feel
your warmth
you're on a
train, I can
feel the
sing of
your
wheels
on the
tracks, lighting
rails towards me.

why don't I have a real job how can i
be this scared to go back to school i
want to move away but i can't go to
portland like i wanted to because that
was ryan's thing i wonder if he'll still
move there will he take her or will they
break up before then or maybe they'll
get married and stay here because
eyelit is here which means i definitely
need to move away is he going to
propose with a banjo pick like he did
with me or will he get her a real ring
"you put that on the wrong finger" "i'm
not trying to do that yet" "did you hear
that megan he said 'yet'" i miss your
friends and your mom and i can't
stand that i'm not allowed to talk to
them anymore why didn't you pick me
why didn't you pick me why didn't
you pick me god you told me you
loved me you told me you wanted a
farm and kids and a garden why did
you do this to me i loved you so much
i could have filled the ocean with the
contents of my heart that belonged to
you i hate you i hate you i hate

you  liked   t h e
way  i   pronounced
"bloodflood,"  all  clean
syllables,  made  me  say
it­ three times for you while
you ate  your  sandwich.  you
said you mostly  mumbled  and
thought no one could understand
you but, god, i did. every eyebrow
wiggle had a  paragraph  beneathe
its surface, every smile was a  song
you   hadn't    written    yet,   every
thumb  stroked  on my cheek was
a promise of forever. you always
made   perfect   sense   to   me.

I will take the caps off all the markers in the house just to see you mad.


but I also want to brush the
oils out of your hair and take
take pictures of your forearms
in the early morning light when
your veins look like streaks of
minerals in granite, I cannot
promise I won't watch your
shadow behind the shower
curtain, or roll the windows
up and down in your car
is this what he sees
is this what he sees?
I'll ask myself,
I can't promise
I won't put your
shoes on to walk
around the house
all over your clean
carpets and change
your spice cabinet
so that you can't
ever find the oregano
but what's worse is
i'll never let you
cook in peace,
is this what
you do?
I'll ask.
is this
what
you
do?

you made   me feel
like a house full  of
sunlight, a handful
of   lilies,  a  willow
tree in a  light  rain
shower.  thank you
f o r   loving  me  as
m u c h  as you  did.

I'm beginning to annoy myself:


texting the ex-boyfriend with daily
problems knowing full well his girlfriend
probably wouldn't appreciate that and
wishing Paul would fall off his high horse
as opposed to getting off it, I still shave with
hopes of someone feeling my legs but let's
be completely honest with each other; I
don't even let my own father kiss my
forehead, let alone say a word to me
I hide behind the pantry door whispering
go away

let's be completely honest with each other:

I'm not sure what's happening to me.