I'm sure you all know that
having patience with your-
self far outweighs the need
to love yourself, b e c a u s e
loving yourself is hard but
knowing that everything
takes time to accomplish
is harder, and so I wake
up and ask myself when,
and if I do, will it be all
inclusive, as in, will I
love myself at my
worst, too?

my dad
leans down
to hug me and
says you've been
gone for a few days,
I missed you and
maybe he means
I have been gone
but maybe he
means that
I have been



g    o n  e

sometimes
i can see
myself
folding
in, they
say wear
your heart
on your sleeve
but I wear it in
my voice and
she so often
hides away
and gets
lost
sometimes
I even send
her away in
letters and
she takes all
the words with
her.

I'm at work on my day
off, drinking Toddy and
watching the spokes on
the city commuter bikes
glint in the windows
it's so weird to want
to be everywhere and
then nowhere, because
everywhere and nowhere
require the right kind of people
so when my mom asks if I want
to see a movie, if I want to go to
the gorge, if I want to go thrift shopping
I tell her that I am restless, that in 1909
subatomic particles were fired at a
solid object and passed through
that humans could possibly
vibrate fast enough to
travel through time
but might end
up liquifying
themselves
but that the
atoms in my
bones are
firing so
fast they
appear to
be not
moving?



but that doesn't make a ton of sense
so I tell her I am a little restless.
a little restless.
rest.
less.

The way i ask people
to hang out is kind of
predatory, if this were an
act in two parts, you
would see all of my
acquaintances board
a carousel, and then
watch me grasp at
their clothes as
they flew past
on their steeds
the camera
film would
shutter across
my face, and
a pair of arms
stuck out like
prongs or jaws
or claws or pincers


trying to catch on.

catch on?

I think if someone would tell me to
stop
romanticising the past,
my mind would finally find a moment
to breathe and heave.

I'm sure he's not how I remember him.
I'm sure he's never been that amazing in his life.
I know this and still.
That's how I remember him.