I was sad.
So I told them.
I am sad. I said.
Is that so? They said.
Swallow these. They said.
So i did.

I was still sad.
And I told them this.
It's no better. I said.
Is that right? They said.
Well try these. They said.
And I did.

I got anxious.
I told them.
I am scared. I said.
You oughtn't be. They said.
Take this. They said.
I obliged.

I felt nothing.
So I told them.
I feel empty. I said.
Oh good. They said.
We're glad to help. They said.
And I sighed.

You made me forget-able,
beautiful and tiny,
you made me erase-able.
And i am nothing of import,
this i know,
i hear you telling me,
repeating through ears
tired of listening;
yet listening is all they know.

You made me forget-able,
drove me down into the sidewalk,
smaller and smaller
until i fit perfectly beneath your shoe
and there i could hide
from the world,
yet at your mercy
waiting for the foot to fall

You made me forget-able
and i am oh-so-forget-able
you'll not know my name
nor face
nor sound of my voice
nor smell of my being.

you made me forget-able,
until you forgot
i was there.

Colour me in and erase all doubts
That we're not living the life we ought to be.

Thoughts from a mind full of longing
Have suddenly been subdued,

I forgive you for not loving me.

My mind has been settled.
I am finding peace.
Peace within myself,
That i had hidden for years.
But now. rises to the surface,

Emerging once more in your shadow.

These dreams intrude even the most calloused mind,
Terrify the most resistant heart.
And can't you see they are searching for you!

Crumbling into your suspicious stare.
This sand filled anchor seems featherlight.

It only takes a moment,
You see,
And all is changed.

Mistakes made to not be repeated.

Once more you doll,
No more your puppet.

I've been having some trouble lately,
With dos and don'ts
What to avoid
And what to take into my life with open arms.
Who to trust with my life breath
And who I should turn from
And run as far away as I can.
When nothing is set in stone
It's hard to know what will stay.
It's all liquid at the moment
It may always be so
Or it may solidify itself far too soon,
Leaving me stuck in ice
Stuck in rock
Stuck in my own old ways.
I'll ask you once more not to leave me
But to help me figure it all out
And if you cannot stay
I still will go.

Remember how we floated that night?
Minds pulling up their anchors,
And allowing free motion;
An escape from the docks that are our bodies.
The solid encasement of ourselves left alone for a while,
As the stars invited us in.

We were friends and clung to each other in our journey.
Distancing the impending reality.
Separating ourselves from the surrounding truths we’d never really believed.

We flew,
And we swam,
And we were.
Drifting in eternity.
Aware of those around us,
But happy for the moment in oursleves.

Do you remember how we were?
So content in our secret movement.
Releasing our beings,
Freely,
Gladly,
Relenting control.

That night when we floated.
And we were together.

Remember how we were happy.

This is no longer for you,
I would like you to know that
I am no longer for you.
I paint myself over,
I paint myself white
and I am clean and new
and I am free from you.

I once lot myself to sadness.
I've been to that ledge
And I'm lucky to say I've not jumped off.
But I do understand
And I pull power from that comprehension.
It's almost impossible to believe it when you're there,
That this could ever be something you might survive.
Everything seems so concrete.
But I stand as proof that this is not so.
I once lost myself to sadness.
I do expect to again encounter it,
But I know now,
at least,
There is an end.

Do i drag you down,
to the depths of myself
when i tell you
of what i have seen,
what i have felt,
what i have done
and had done to me?

Do i belittle you
to the size of myself,
with the stories of my past,
all that i've done.
all that i've hurt
and all i've avoided
the other lives
I used to lead?

Do i make you
to shake in your bones,
when i speak of my actions
and inactions
my screams and my cries
and most deafeningly,
my silences?

Do you pity me
or do you fear,
my child,
all i have failed to do?

Take naps during the daytime - preferably in the sun, but otherwise in bed and at best while being cuddled.
Water plants - in pots or otherwise
Stop and look at the clouds
Use their brains
Brush their teeth
Not shave for a while - just to see what it's like
Walk with a dog - preferably one you are associated with, not stolen from a stranger's backyard. Walks should be completed without the aid of a music playing device and completed in a forest for maximum effect
*Hug - anyone who seems like they need it

The petals of the rose you gave have all fallen off.
I didn't like to throw them away.
I spread them on the desk,
As if on purpose,
To dry them into something new.
The beauty of their life fades away.
The beauty of their death grows stronger.

My hand is cold without yours.

Leave me high
Leave me gasping for breath
In your absence
Leave me pacing the room
And falling to the floor.
Leave me in solitude
That I know so deeply
As to call it my friend
Leave me standing
Or sitting
In the dark
Or filtering sun through my lashes.
Leave me to feel
My own heart
Beating through
A thin shift shirt.
Leave me in my mind

What if nothing makes sense anymore?
I was your puppet,
Watch me move without strings.
The universe outside rejects me,
And in calling me out in my lies,
Invites me in-
Come sleep in the snow

The soft caress of night-time,
Too smooth to resist,
Creeps up slowly to confuse,
Succeeding in every way.

I will not go home.

The atmosphere pours out its soul in a letter,
Then embarrassed by its out-letting,
Rips it all to pieces,
Lets it trickle down as dust, letting it trickle down as snow.

Cover myself in the hopes of another.
Cloaked, I am safe from all I ever wished I might be.
I am hidden from my dreams.

And time continues on,
It did not ask permission.
Will you be my friend?

Who has stolen the puffs of smoke,
That earlier arose form my lungs?

For just a moment I saw them,
Then gone.
And now far above,
In a disloyal sky,
Glimpse their shape before they're hidden again.

Strewn around in a disorderly manner,
Your lack of pattern confuses,
I cannot decode you.
Organise yourselves into a system that may be understood.
Do so now, my lost little plumes,
Then I can read and re-claim you as my own.

The cooled breath of my winter morning weighs heavily upon the daytime's sky.
I am sorry that i breathed.
Next time will be different.

Watch the winter heights confusing themselves with my puffs.
As snow and cloud fuse,
Think of the Sun and await His great returning to the land of your birth.
And the happy days when the puffs are lit by His will,
Taking up new shapes,
Like the masters of dance that they are.

My winter does come to a close.

I want to be the place your hands wander to,
When you forget to pay them attention,
When they're left to their own devices
And free to roam where they please.

I want to be their choice.
Above all else.

I want your fingers running along my collar bones,
And over my ribs,
           And through my hair,
                         And over my eyelids,
                                        And in my mouth.
  
I want to be the place your subconscious thinks of,
Thinks to go,
When you thought you were not thinking at all.

Growth of a new species,
Hanging down from the heavens.
Like trees or vines strung from a ceiling.
They sway from the disturbance of your breath.
Moving gently - hear a rustle.

Hold you air to see them still,
Fall asleep and see if you'll awake.

Spotlight eyes appear in the dark,
These hanging trees are coming alive.

Is your skin pierced by their looking?
I sense they will it to be so.
Pinpricks upon the cushion of your skin.

Do not struggle in the vines.
With every motion they grip tighter.
Pull you closer to themselves.

The sky is falling
Gravity lost his train of thought
Lapse in concentration and down it all comes
We see it drip between us
Puddles of cloud start to gather.

Where is the moon
Could he hold himself up
or will he be joining us soon?

This blue seems unreal
But touch it and taste it
It will not be denied its existence
As all we’ve ever known leaks from the heavens.

What will the cat drag in next time?
Presenting you as a priceless treasure;
You were only painted gold.
This paint chips,
Flakes fall from your skin,
And when you walk,
A trail of false promises are left in your wake.

I was, as ever,
So eager to believe,
That perhaps you were not painted,
But true through the very whole of you.
And i am, as ever,
Proven incorrect.
Naive and stupid to believe in a false prophet,
To have hope something better lies ahead.

The cat spat you and your false colour onto the carpet.
I looked for a while before I removed you from my life.

Individual creatures,
Living in communities for evolution's sake,
Out of laziness,
Out of greed.

And The whole world is going to wreck.
They’re growing darker,
The souls here.
Darker with each day passing.

And “I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS”
Is the new universal anthem.

And everywhere I look,
They pretend that they’re happy,
With their lives, with their lovers, with themselves.
And it’s all just one big farce.
No one could be that contented.
Surely not?

And everywhere I go I carry my shadow,
Burdened down with memories,
Of a past I’ll choose to forget,
Of a future I can’t quite bear to think of,
Just yet.

Men smell like sweat and tears,
***** and steam.
And it never seems to bother them.
So used to a world
who lets them have their own way
Lets them take and grab
And claim as their own
Whatever’s on offer
Regardless of the offer.

Men smell like disregard,
Like empowerment above their station,
Like ignorance of the fact
That we die by your hand,
Like trees burnt down to roots,
Like dirt and soil and mud
Turned to sludge
In the aftermath of your being
And in the fact of the rain coming.

Men smell like dust and rats,
Like hard boots and tarseal,
Like misfortune
And coming mal-ease
Like hard drugs,
Like ******.
Like injecting any hope for change
Directly in the vein.
That’s what men smell like.

On growing up
And past and through it all,
I have been learning.
Learning to push my roots down,
and spindly arms
Up high towards the light.

You see,
The most important thing
In the world
Is to remember.

You've been here before.
To this same dark night,
Or at least many like it.
To these same grey days,
Where clouds cover
All positivity from your soul.
You've been here before.

And what happened before,
Is what will happen now.
The most important thing,
is to remember.
The dark never lasts forever.
The sun always returns.

From the green of your lungs,
A new sound sends forth its shoots.
Roots down take time to grow,
But time is precious,
Time is fleeting.

From within,
A passing breath escapes,
“But I am not passive!” it warns.
And in the daytime’s chill,
Takes up a new, more solid shape.

Tendrils spring forward,
They were waiting,
Coiled within the lung until called to action.
And now in motion,
Grasp out!
Attempting to bring your final breath home.

Back home,
To the known,
To the comfort,
To the green of the lung,
Where safety abounds,
And no one shall be harmed.
Back home to the lung.

We were wove, together.
Separate strands,
Somehow entangled,
Tied together through weird fate,
And deepened understanding.
Things we spoke,
I still hear in the silences.
Whispers and sighs,
Heavy with regret.
How could you do this to me?
They said.
The moon replied;
“I am unsure”
In desperation I called
In what was I not heard?
Arrogance?
Fear?
Disbelief?
And I can’t go back
Nothing is ever really taken back.
Once done, always done.
I’d be a fool to believe otherwise.
This knowledge does not make it easier.
We were wove together,
It takes time to undo some knots.

I do have some trouble coming to terms.
I don’t understand why they will never come to me.

It’s supposed to be summer,
But outside just looks cold.
I wonder how it feels.

The silence seems to hum.
I think it purrs,
Happy in its own existence,
How nice to be THERE!
I would like to join it.

We could have a tea party,
Us three,
Me,
the silence,
and the hollow cavity carved inside myself.

Moonlight bent down gentle,
Kiss kiss on our foreheads,
As we wandered in the dark.
Trees on either side of us
The sea close enough
to hear its whispering
Of our nighttime escapades.

Grass up to the knees
Knelt before our feet.
A shack made up like a tee-***,
One covered in mismatched old dolls,
A poorly maintained vegetable patch
Then yours,
Temporarily,
An immobile House truck.

The door creaked open
Dust lay thick upon the air
Along with aging excitement
Of all who had ever stayed there
Before you.

It’s not much
You told me
It’s wonderful
I told you.
The body of the truck was shelves and seats,
Filled with the trinkets of foregoers,
Books and drawings,
Fairy lights,
A small bell
You moved through them all
To the front of the truck,
And climbing on a well positioned table
Pulled yourself up
To where you slept,
Above the driver’s caddy,
Below a wide skylight.

We got high
And drew designs
To tattoo on each other
In the morning.
You offered me your beer.
I accepted,
and fell asleep in your arms.

I've been made for such a moment.
I am WITH the universe.
I evolve into nothing.

Neptune beckons me -  
         come closer, child, life offers more.
                       Open your hand and accept it.
And how could I not?

So beautiful,
And cold,
And near,
Yet distant as could be.

THIS is how life is,
How it should be for always and for ever.
There is more here to feel.

I've never sensed the world until this moment.
I think i'll stay here,
Just like this.
For a while.

A quiet place where it's safe to be.
Where no one moves or speaks or looks.
You're not alone,
But not invaded.
There is never a problem.
Never a trouble.
Maybe you'll like it there.
Prehaps you could stay.

But first you'd have to leave here,
And often that's easier thought than done.

Your head is a lake,
filled to the top up.
You can feel the weight of the water on your weakening shoulders,
And see its depths, and feel it movings,
as you grow stormy from within.

In a dream my sneeze was lightening,
my cough was thunder,
my tears a monsoon,
my heartbeat made the earth quake.

I woke up shaking.

The memory of your scent still adorns my fingers like rings,
I could never get enough of you.
I wanted you every moment,
Every season,
Every opportunity.

I'm tired of hearing other people's love stories.

Even  your own two feet,
Fight for their territory,
Peacefully,
Yet defensively,
Growing venomously.
And ‘us’ won’t be satisfied,
By ‘happy’,
But would rather search out (for you, for us),
A heavier feeling to rejoice in.

Heavy makes happy now,
We are glad when it comes,
Gladder when he leaves.
But still, I see you yearn for his returning.

Come back! Come back to us!
I am a mountain, didn’t you know?
I can engulf you,
If I so choose.
Swallow you whole,
Covering your world to darkness,
To join me in my game,
Of non-existence.
You’ll find me in the empty bath tub,
Where the game is best played out,
This cold inviting tomb.
Peaceful,
Peaceful,
Quiet.

Won’t it be?
Perfectly still –
For once, For once.

I am a fetus within your womb.
Carry me gentle,
Mother,
I am fragile,
I am easily broken.
Shattering like the shard of moon and star,
That lie now upon my window sill –
Still.

I caught them.
All of them.
For us to see and share and hold.
Won’t you hold them?
Hold me?
Hold us?

And from the silence a gasp!
Awake!
Do not slumber!
Now is not the time for sleep.
Do not waste it,
This moment,
Where we are free to smile beneath the night-time’s Sun.

Awaken, dear allies.
I cling you to my side.
You are mine,
And if you’ll have me,
I shall be yours.
That sounds just fine.
As do we.

I hear you mumble,
Mumble.
Be clear please,
Clearer.
I’ve travelled destination-less too long.
Sometimes it scares me.
Please,
Speak a little louder.
Include me,
Inform me,
That I might know the master plan.

Perhaps I'll just escape.

Stop me right here if I am wrong.
Let's not just continue on.
Yesterday felt different to today.
Everything is stationary and everything is static.
Not the least of which resides inside a cranial vault.
Locked up tight beneath a skull.
Held up high on a spine which just longs to rest.

And those bricks felt cold against my skin.
At least no one threw them.
At least, structurally, I am still whole.

But you never did take me for serious when i said I loved you.
You never thought maybe i wasn't lying when i told you, you were my favourite.
The only one to listen,
Just another who wouldn't believe.

Withered and worn
it was the winter that did it,
always was,
always will be.
The culprit of all loss
grief and expectation.
You never just loose one thing.
Each loss comes with a hundred other losses.
It gets hard to count them,
pretty quickly.
And now i am ear for the losses.
I will listen
and i will hmm, and i will ahhh,
and i will hope you feel better afterwards.
But that's not always how it goes.