i know why i love the smell of cigarettes so much.

it is bc it smelled like you.
it is because i miss the times when i got mad at you when you smoked more than five a day.
so now that you left, i cant stop thinking about all the things we did.
so everytime you popped up in my head,
everytime all these memories came back,
i kept thinking of how much i wanted you, how much i loved you.
although i couldnt have you.
but i could have a part of you.
something from you.
i could have the smell of your cigarettes and the thought of them calming you down after a long day.
so everytime you got in my head,
i went ahead and lighted up another, and another cigarette
and then i felt so near you,
almost like you were sitting next to me,
exhaling the whitish smoke i used to hate.

i know why i love the smell of cigarettes so much.

I hate you so much.
I dont want to, but i do.
you make me feel that way
do i make you feel the same?

I think of doing terrible things
I wanna **** you in cold blood,
I wanna see you suffer from above,
like you did when i was young.

I wanna see you hurting, in pain.
and do nothing like you did,
when i was at the bottom, lost my faith,
and you were just sitting there, smiled a bit.

Im gonna end up killing you,
or killing myself,
cause i wanna finally let go,
and i will, only by death.

I miss the time when I actually enjoyed eating that burger you offered me last night.
I miss when eating a pack of Cheetos wasnt one of my biggest fears in the entire world.
I miss the times i was eating a healthy amount of food by the time i needed it.
I miss the times my mind wasnt a calculator every single second of each day.
I miss the time I could sleep at night without my stomach hurting, asking for at least a glass of water.
I dont want to have a mental breakdown whenever i eat a chocolate.
I wanna remember the taste of pizza again.
I want to eat a whole donut by myself.
I dont want my happiness to depend on the number of a scale.
I wanna eat dinner again, something except a salad.
I dont want to workout everyday.
I want to finally feel happy without my stomach screaming.
I want to stop.
I want to eat.

i hate it here.
i hate it.
i hate it so much.
why i am in this thing, this cage we called body
i dont wanna be here.
its cold, and dark.
no light, i cant get out.
i wanna scream, but
i cant shout.
it doesnt let me
my brain is screaming at me
Thats too much! thats too little
i am so tired of all of this.
i dont wanna be here
please, can someone get me out?
i hate it here.

firstly, i felt like the first sunbeam every morning lighting up every little bee that jumps from a flower to another.
now i realised
i feel for you what the moon feels for the sun. endless love, day and night, so close and also so far. so cold and so warm, so bright but so dark.
i wanna show this to the whole universe.
i wanna open my heart.
but i dont know if what im feeling, is that which we call love.
the only thing i know tho is that the moon never meets the sun, but she still shines every night for him so he can love her back.
so imma shine bright like that little ball in my sky, so whenever you look up,
ill be there.
always by your side.