this house isn’t mine
it isn’t ours
but how lovely and cozy it is
i sit here alone in a room
i call it mine but it isn’t mine
what a fool am i
it repeats in my head
except when soft rains fall

the thrill of being sheltered in his arms

how can i miss something that isn’t mine
how can i hold it a bit longer
in my small hands
all the more space to slip through
slip away
and never come back

“how was work?”
i never know how to answer that simple question
its always alright
its always okay
days go by
i still don’t know the answer

my nails broken and body tired
what should i do
should i turn to you?
im on the edge of a cliff

i still dont know what to do

its hard when people look the same
you cant tell them apart
even with your special telescope
its hard, its very hard
they all sound the same too
they smell the same
they all say the same things
they say they are special
they betray you
they talk about you behind your back
they hold your hand for a few minutes
and then they deny they ever did
people can be so cruel
so so cruel
they never consider your feelings
they want to take over this world with all their might
they will push no matter who to the side just to get what they want
so when everyone wants to rule the world
by themselves or with someone by their side
you can’t figure out what they really mean
if its a certain cry for help or just for show
with your freshly cut wound they find you vulnerable
they take advantage of you
they say they will take care of it
"it won't be that bad"
they promise

as she settled into her new place
piecing together everything she thought she needed
she came to the realization that she was lonely
so very lonely.
she searched for someone
anyone. anyone to be by her side
anyone who wanted to be her friend
he didn’t want what she wanted
but they both slowly fell in love
he said it first
she said it again and again
he repeated it for her every time

they went on adventures
they planned the impossible
well it wasn’t really completely impossible, but just for them at that specific moment in time
they were in love and wanted to be alone together
but they had to wait for it
they had to work hard for it
they wanted it so bad

when they argued, they knew how to mend everything
they knew what to do
she would explain her side
he would explain his side
they would meet in the middle
she thought she wasn’t enough
he thought he wasn’t enough
they met in the middle
they would always meet in the middle
that’s what made them perfect for each other
when they held hands, it just felt right
their bodies were meant to embrace each other, for they were each others missing puzzle pieces

but responsibility kept them apart
it took him away from her
she wasn’t complete without him
but they pushed forward together, apart
they managed at first
it was hard. it was really hard.
but love kept them together
until he wanted to focus on himself
he wanted to become a better person
she wanted to as well
so they grew up without each other

she still cries
she doesn’t know how he’s doing
she doesn’t know if he had a good day or not
she doesn’t know if he ate already
she misses him
she still loves him
but that’s just how it is
she’ll manage
he will too

at least she hopes he does.

i have not written for so long
for so so long
i have remained dead for so many months
i feel as if the world hates me
but in reality
i hate the world
i hate what it has done to me
i hate what it has given me
i hate what it has become
this is why i believe that
the world has turned and left me here

my love
nothing can shake me off of you
I am the gray cloud that follows you around
yet also the ray of light that brightens up your day
think of me as someone who can
make something absolutely wonderful
and can also
break it down into a million pieces
you and I, my love
we’ve started this new chapter of our lives
a never ending one
who wants it to end?
we’ve come so far, baby
there are a million roads that can take us anywhere
just as long as I’m with you
I know for a fact that I’ll be okay.




no matter what,
I’ll always be with you





end.

do you want to know the first thing
that comes into my mind
when I see the gray clouds
or the sunny skies
or the waves come down like it’s something
more than gravity?
you
the love of my life
the one I want and need by my side
to support me and be there for me

time with you goes by so fast
believe me
I’ve noticed it
it’s so obvious
that we need more of each others time
and it’s all so cliché
every moment we spend together
I want it to last
sometimes I wish I could glue our hands together
so we wouldn’t have a choice
but to just stay together
yet I know
I don’t have to force it
because I know that you love me
and I don’t have to force anything with you
things will flow like honey with the two of us
slowly but surely
and very sweetly

we’re adventurers on this ship we built
when we found each other
we were already experienced sailors
when we got to know each other better
we were already building our boat
as this love of ours grows
we go farther down the river of life
it might me scary
there could be monsters
but at least we have each other

I sometimes think about what we’ll be in the future
will we be want we aspire to be
or a whole different destination
will I still be with you
will you still be with me
will we be
each others
I hope we will
because you’re the one I need
and I’m pretty sure you need me
but babe
I am pretty **** sure that even if we separate
I will purely love you
every problem we encountered
are encountering
and will encounter
will never interfere with my feelings for you

what if we become something
or someone
we never hoped to be
people filled with greed
or maybe people filled with embarrassment
I just hope we’ll still be together
no matter what
no matter who we become
you’re the one I want to stick with
even when we’re both old and wrinkly
you’re the face I want to see
first thing in the morning
you’re the being I want to be with
walking down Dillon Beach
you’re the one I want to talk to
at a coffee shop
when the weather is cold
and the sunshine is nowhere near us

everyday with you is a blessing
it makes me realize
that I want to spend my remaining days
on this wretched planet
with you
just you

my feelings for you will always be existent
and that you can expect me to show
because I will always find ways to express
this undying love of mine
for you
just you
only you, baby

the feeling I get
when you hold my hand
is something I want to feel
for the rest of my life
and trust me
my life has been drowned in black and white
ever since I met you

you brought color into my life
so much changed ever since you came
but even more happens when we kiss
it’s like everything I’ve been living without
and always needed
suddenly came unexpected
and fixed everything broken
everything wrong with me
yet you also accepted the things I couldn’t fix
my flaws
you accepted them fully
and I fell even deeper in love with you

you’re the only thought I want running through my head
you’re the only echo I want ringing through my mind
when all I can think about
is how much I need you

what if we were as small as ants
or even smaller
just imagine where that could take us
we could be particles
floating through this toxic atmosphere
with nothing but each other
that’s something I’d want
all I want is you
and my hands in yours
your arms wrapped around me
your lips whispering in my ear
ever so gently
“everything’s going to be alright
like how the gray clouds go away
or how the very hard unexpected rain
will suddenly stop”
everything will be alright

every kiss is something I’ve been waiting for
the words you tell me make butterflies run throughout my body
every compliment
it makes me go crazy

you’re the only one I want touching me
you’re the only one I want wrapping his arms around me
you’re the one I want
and baby
I wouldn’t exchange you for anyone else
even Alex Turner
or Devon Bostick
you’re the only one who can make me feel this way

I want you running through my head
because I love you
those songs
every one reminds me of you
no matter what you do to me
what keeps me away from you
you’ll always be running through my head

forests are very similar to mazes
once you go astray from the path
you get absolutely lost
then why not hold my hand
through this labyrinth
and maybe
just maybe
we can get out of here together

escape

you always talked about escaping
getting out of the cruel world we can’t stand anymore
we can make our own rules
and block out others
others who tell us not to do what we want
to do whatever

we both know
that I am quite stubborn
listening to others is something
I never got used to
especially when it comes to their tones
the range of their voices
will forever echo in my thoughts
“get this done”
“get that done”
but we both know

when the rain falls
a star shoots through the black sky
the moon rises
the sun sets
and comes back around
you’re the first I think of
the first thought
is always the important one
this is why I write about you
my love
my sunshine
is it not obvious that I
myself
would walk the ends of the earth
just for you

I would search for new ways
to express my ever so deep feelings for you
just to let you know one thing
you really have me hooked
latched
so very attached into your being
I’ve found you at my darkest days
you saved me from myself
you gave meaning to everything I couldn’t understand
there were things I didn’t bother to disturb
but you give me the courage to do so

I’m a person with a wide taste in music
you know that
but there are songs that get on my nerves
and some that I can listen to
over and over again
and not get sick of them
you’re the reason behind those songs
you are what runs through my head
all the time
and I never get tired of you
I want you in my head

I am delicate
I am the American Sweetheart
and the antagonist
a disaster waiting to happen
only in the eye of the storm can I stay alive and well
only when impaled can I stay calm
only when suffering do I benefit
i'm addicted to pain

yet the pain must be inflicted by me
when the pain can be relieved
I see it as a way out
it’s my only answer
and some say that i’m only seeking attention
just a spoonful of attention
but truth is
I truly am not
because I love

pain
/pān/
noun
physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury
careful effort; great care or trouble
I am in pain
the feeling has lasted for a long time
it has been attached to me ever since the first time I tripped
and scraped my knee
or lost someone
pain is within me
making me rot away faster
it’s not easy to cope with this
considering I do it
occasionally
usually
almost every hour of the day

the things I find avoidable
I have a list of them
my fears
sour people
and the possibility of me being forced into isolation
I must avoid that
because you know I can’t stand being alone
being alone will bring me absolute hell
my wrist is sore
from all this harm

but I can't blame anyone but myself
because I choose to bring this pain upon me
no one tells me anything negative enough to make me mistreat myself
I love the feeling
of the pain I can bring upon yours truly
but sharing about it is a whole nother story
one I don’t want to read
understand
complete

del·i·cate
ˈdelikət/
adjective

very fine in texture or structure; of intricate workmanship or quality
easily broken or damaged; fragile
(of a person, animal, or plant) susceptible to illness or adverse conditions

(of a state or condition) easily upset or damaged
requiring sensitive or careful handling
(of a person or an action) tactful and considerate
skillful and finely judged; deft
(of an instrument) highly sensitive

the sound of the bells
rings in my head over and over again
saying
“you must accept the facts, the reality, the truth”
sometimes I don’t want to
but when it comes to you
you’re the only thing
the only one
I want to accept

when I saw you for the first time
it was seeing my future
consisting of one person
and that person is you
the more time we spend together
it makes me latch onto you more
every second with you I truly cherish
even after all the buildings crumble
the seven wonders of the earth no longer exist
I will love you
even when all my veins no longer stream blood
through my body
I will love you
do you know the great wave?
the great wave off kanagawa
if I were a painting
that’s what you could call me
i'm no mona lisa
or bridge over a pond of water lilies

I am unsteady and trampling over things I must avoid
I rise in order to get away from problems
the problems that trouble me most
like myself
or the fact that maybe I am not enough
and maybe even the things I do
maybe
maybe not

kiss you
just thinking about you with someone else
brings me hell
that’s because
you mean so much to me
you are importance
you are love
you are the sunlight that lights up my room
on a sunny saturday morning

assuming that you didn’t let me in
what would I be
where would I stay
who could I tell my feelings
without you I probably wouldn’t feel anything
I would still be numb
begging for warmth
from people who I feel things for but they don’t in return

it was all a lie
assuming you weren’t aware of me
imagine how lost I would be
but then
what about you
where would you be
what would you be doing

if the sun sets without you
if the waves crash upon this wide imagination of mine
if the winds blow the other direction
where would we be
would I be with you?
would you be with me?
what if this is all too much to bear

my life reset when you found me in the dark
you pulled me out
and I couldn’t be more thankful for that
I found so much easier
when I met you

the oceans are more calm
the wind blows very softly
and the flow of my life
it’s like honey
very slow

but what it’s made of is what matters
every day with you
I want them to go by slowly
I feel as if time with you
is sometimes never enough
you are the kind of man
I want to spend days with
just you and I
and nothing to do
and a tub of ice cream
and movies
and potatoes

if I weren’t me
I don’t know who would be in your arms right now
I don’t know who would be loving you
who would be able to hold your hand
write you letters
sing with you

it’s practically a cycle
a cycle that never ends
we come up with excuses that drown
the very people surrounding us
but we never know
until we realize
that we dragged ourselves down with the fish as well
we are stuck in the nets
bawling eyes
begging to get outcomes

a life of a person
is like a rubik's cube
one can understand it
but it takes a process that some can and cannot understand easily
we must fill in spaces
find the right pieces
until a side is complete
and then we must find the answers to the other sides
in order to complete it all
completing a whole person
is never the right way to go
we can never complete someone
without showing emotion

specifically affection
giving someone happiness
honesty
being open with someone
is the key to completing them

and you’re the one who showed me that
you showed me that with only
the simple action of holding of my hand
you can open my eyes to new worlds
new perspectives

the space beneath the waves
it's far more than you could ever imagine
just like my love for you
never ending
like the stars above
yet even more than that
because one day those stars will burn out
and we’ll be gone
but even if I am gone
and so are you

we shall enter the next life as someone or something else
and whoever or whatever I become
I will love you for who or what you will be

the stars
they shined before we were even born
when I was young I didn’t mind them much
unless I wanted to wish for something
that’s the only time I would spend staring at the stars
asking continuously for something that doesn’t exist
but everything is different now

you gave the stars I look at every night
a new meaning
the galaxies above, I’ve always shown interest in them
but now I love them
it takes time to start to love something
you’ve always admired
but sometimes it happens
all at once

to think that nothing is impossible
to think that one can walk on the moon
or reach the bottom of the Mariana Trench
is like saying
“you’re too smart to go to that school”
or thinking
“I’m better than them”

like the jets that leave streaks of white in the sky
I will leave streaks of red on my body
these chances
I look at them like policemen
they abide the law and do what is right
giving false hope to the one who believes so much in them
at this point vanishing sounds nice

I’ve always thought of myself as a problem
I always looked at myself as troubled
a deranged little girl
in need of a friend or two
just someone to talk to
to open up to

I needed that feeling
of sticking a fork into an electrical outlet
that certain spark
I wanted to be that mosquito flying towards a deadly lamp
that spark
I saw it as a way out of this madness of mine
and this madness
my, was it besmirch

therefore take me in your arms
save me from this madness my love
this is no phase a mother would tell their daughters
to get out of just because they were at that age
where they start to think
“am I pretty enough?”
this drives me insane
into insanity
deep under the waves of dementia
dive in with me
let's be mad together
because here below the sound
where the light cannot reach
we’re all mad here
so why not be mad with me?

I am quite volatile
unpredictable
emotion-wise
I can be ecstatic at times
and then go blank and despondent
I become silent

and hopelessness
wraps itself around
my not so small frame
and when it does
it is like a boa constrictor
squeezing hard enough
to rupture my blood pressure
hopelessness is merciless when it comes to me

but sometimes
I am hopelessness
upon myself do I become a boa constrictor
upon myself do I become merciless
this is when I think that no one
not a single soul
can come and save me
except for one
and that one person
is you
my sunshine

the chances of me vanishing are high
at times of doubt
those possibilities rise like a tsunami
extremely dangerous and fatal
when I think about things like this
those chances, possibilities, probabilities
they’re all ever so exalted

this all lead me to think
“i’m too troubled, don’t be my friend”
but I was wrong
I was lying to myself
I needed someone as much as I needed air
for someone like me
so troubled

having someone to talk to was so important
I needed to let out my feelings
or else i’d bottle them all up until the bottle overflows
and overflowing is cataclysmic
disastrous
catastrophic
deadly
just like my thoughts

there are no rainbows
without the rain
there are no plants
without the sunlight
there is no me
without you

meeting you was like finding that one book
the book you’ve been searching for in the library
for five hours
the book that had it all
everything you needed and needed to know

you
you are all I need
and all that I need to know
all that I need by my side
in my arms
against my small short self

life before you was like a snail on the run
everything moved slowly and out of a straight line
I looked at straight lines
as if they were so very essential

if something wasn’t was going right
it wasn’t going in a straight line
and if something wasn’t going in a straight line
it would mean disaster
and disaster meant
that a life would be turned around

but then you came around
you were the miracle that pulled me out
of the dreadful ocean that I considered
nightmares and phobias

nightmares and phobias
were the things that kept me up at night
they were the people who
stared at me in public
who shouted at me
who left me all alone
without anyone else
not a shoulder to cry on
not a single word could be heard for miles

the loneliness that my nightmares and phobias left me in
stuck to me like gum stuck to a pair of converse
they dragged me down more until I couldn’t grab
onto anything
or anyone

un giorno raggiungerò la luna
non oggi
ma un giorno
forse non nei prossimi anni
ma un giorno
per ora aspetterò
aspetterò e aspetterò
pazientemente
con il cuore pesante
con un'anima ostinata
con una mente stabile
con amici e famiglia che vanno e vengono
un giorno raggiungerò la luna
se c'è una volontà ci sarà un modo

push me in
pull me out
we just go back and forth
like the tides
blue everywhere
and then complete darkness
pushed all the way down below
because of the tides

what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing???

he crumples the note
of hate into a
ball, tossing it
into the trash bin.
the world doesn't
treat him right.
thoughts of consistent
loneliness fills
his innocent
thoughts
feelings of anger
and panic take
him whole.
hate for oneself
pins him down
he is mad
angry, panicking,
lost, aggrivated,
most of all,
sad.

aiuto, aiuto!
mi sono perso senza direzione
il vento mi sta trattenendo
sono veramente perso, sono veramente perso...

alla fine
                                alla fine
                                                                alla fine

sul tavolo c'è frutta in abbondanza
grazie, grazie.


allora mi imbarcherò.

for so long i havent heard from you
how are you?
do you think of me?
its been 18 years
18 long years without someone to replace you
im holding on
holding on because i simply have no choice

do you think of me?

i see both sides like chanel


it's really all

but it's stealth

it's not that i'm addicted
but the sensation that alcohol gives you
it's different
it's fun to get drunk and act aloof with your best friends
it's even more fun to get drunk with your lover and waste the night away

but it's really different
no, i haven't tried anything else
i don't plan to
but it really pulls you out of reality

a new start
a new year with him
it's been so fun
along with alcohol, it's even more fun
seeing their face get all sleepy and dazed
it makes you fall in love with them all over again

bartender;
one martini please.

haven't written poems in a long while
it's good to be back
i've been blessed with so many new things
even amongst this **** pandemic
i wish everyone safety and happiness

flowers flowers
the earth below me
the sky above me
the sea around me
may i drown in your beauty?
"there is not beauty left" she replied
what can i do about it?
"nothing child, leave me be"
but i don't want you to die
"i don't want you to die either, child"
should we leave each other be?
"yes, it's for the best"
okay. alright.

possiamo scappare insieme?
la tua mano nella mia, come un sogno
sì, potremmo avere i nostri argomenti
ma ciò non significa che non ti amo
ti amo così tanto mio tesoro
la mia vita senza di te è incolore
così quando sei venuto
sono stato completamente portato via
il mio cuore è tuo, amore mio
la mia felicità sei tu
l'** trovato in te
il mio amore la mia vita
grazie per essere entrato nella mia vita
non sai quanto sei importante per me

i tried to **** myself last night
i dont know what to feel
how to act
am i supposed to act natural
or pretend that im ok
only a few people know
do i tell any others
people who know me personally
such as relatives
because they dont know
are the supposed to know
do i keep it a secret forever
will telling them bring me closer with them
or make me the suicidal outsider, black sheep of the family
im scared

i like you
i like you like i like the rain
i like you like i like music
can we dance together?
can you give my heart a little electricity?
bring me back to life please
longing
ive been longing for someone for so long
you dont know
but i can wait for you
just like i can wait for season 4 of rick and morty
just like i can wait for the water for my coffee to heat up
i can wait for you
i can wait for when you have time for love
ill be here for you
ill always be here for you
i like you

it feels very heavy
and depressing
i can't stop thinking about it
it's like a record player somehow got stuck in my head
and not its broken
replaying our song
over and over again
it's painful
knowing the weight
of my love for you
it's inevitable
having to carry it with me
along with the things you gave me
the letters
the clothes
the flowers
the love
it's
i don't know
we've made it so far
but i'll keep it in my heart and mind forever
every moment
every argument
every memory
i'll keep it
but will you?

i was growing younger day by day
there was love and it was all arranged
and I held you with the wandering eye
now I know the man I shoulda known
now I feel the love I should've shown
and I pull you in but you push me out
and I know you don't love me so
but please say it once before I go
i know that you can feel me
tell me that you don't love me
but say it one more time
i'm going darling, i'll step lightly
live on as if you still love me
just say it one more time
even if it's a lie, even if it's a lie
colors in the shirts you used to wear
the way that you would fix your brown hair
but I'll turn the lights down and leave
all the ways that I could say it now
you're the man to push away my doubt
but it's too late and were too young to know
and I know you don't love me so
but please say it once before I go
i know that you can feel me
tell me that you don't love me
but say it one more time
i'm going darling, i'll step lightly
live on as if you still love me
just say it one more time
even if it's a lie, even if it's a lie

wow! she's alive!
up and writing
barely surviving
sure i can still process things
but that doesn't mean i'm not dying
slowly
slowly makes everything worse
when things go slowly for you
all you want to do is press fast forward
so things will end
but then you realize
all the stuff you want to do
all the things you want to accomplish
you don't want to skip that
during times like this i don't want to press fast forward
i want to live in the moment
but that doesn't mean i's slowly dying
slowly
like the snail in your front yard
imagine how long it will take him to reach his destination
imagine how long it will take me to reach my destination
"can we just stop for a second?
i want to take this in"
she said as the sun set
he wanted it to go by quicker
but little did he know
he was always the one in a rush
while she took and spent every second she had
on things she loved to do
she loved to read
she loved to write
she loved to sing and paint
she loved to watch the sun set
she loved to be with him
but all he wanted to do is think about the future
will he graduate college?
will he get a good job?
what will happen to him?
that's all he ever thought about
until she left him
and she didn't look back
because he was still busy looking forward
and she
looking down at her brown worn out boots
took a step forward
wow! she lives
there she goes
she will travel to the ends of the earth
spending every second she has
living in the moment
not looking back or forward