Love, love, love.
You are now gone,
but I can still see you here.
I still hold that cold coffee next to me, hoping that I'll make him warm.
I still feel the strong wind in my face, I still can't catch him.
I still feel the freezing water in my body, cold, cold, cold.
I still see your face in the quiet of the nights. Not a face anymore. Just a picture that I reconstruct. I don't know the details anymore. I don't want to know them.
I still feel your words, they are like ink in my skin, I'm still trying to wash them off.
But you know how I love the wrong things.
I love that cold coffee.
I love that strong wind.
I love that freezing water.
I love the quiet of the nights.
I love your words.
I surrender, my love.
I'll always be your prisoner.

Because I was 4 when my first love broke my heart. My breath was never the same since my mother broke me into million pieces, and to this day she never apologized.
Because I was 6 when I knew what death was and watched the love of my life go to the other side. I watched her die in my arms, couldn't speak for months, could never be the same since she left this world.
Because I was 13 and when my girlfriend hold me in her arms and I could only think about the places I don't belong.
Because I was 14 and this girl said to me "You're the love of my life" hoping that I would say it back but I couldn't, wasn't that person anymore, couldn't bare any more lies inside me.
Because I was 14 and this girl said "I love you" but I couldn't say the words, felt like I should keep them for someone, someone that I wasn't even sure if exists.
Because I was 15 and I fell in love for the first time, finally learnt that love is not selfish, it doesn't take place or time, doesn't demand anything besides being fed everyday with kind words and beautiful smiles. Finally learnt why I always felt like my words were meant to someone else, finally understood that maybe I wasn't homesick, I was peoplesick.
Because I was 16 when I finally understood what Charles Bukowsky meant when he said "we are all trapped by a singular fate".
Because after all this time that name continues to softly humming in my head. But who's name is it? I still can't hear it. Because she's now gone too and I can't do nothing but miss her. But who is she anyway? Because she will never know how much I love her, because her voice makes me go numb, because her face still lingers after seeing so many others, because no one will unravel me like she did, because sometimes two humans can be a forest and love is a destruction fire. Still, I'll always welcome her home whenever she comes knocking at my door.  If she ever does.
(But who is she?...)
Because I was 16 and I started dating another girl but late at night I always knew that I shouldn't. It's not ok to use people to fill your holes. I found that too early but still it was too late to stop, couldn't hurt anyone anymore, that's what I thought. I was always aware, I always knew that people date people they don't love to forget those they love because once you experience love you feel afraid. Love is a powerful thing and most of us run the opposite way because we can't handle being loved.
We are only scared little humans, screaming to the world "come, love me, please" but we end up kissing the wrong person goodnight, we end up sleeping with an emptiness in our chest, we end up living guilty for the rest of our lives. Why are humans so afraid of love? Why do they accept things just for comfort?
Because I was 16 and I said "It's over", and those words still feel like an echo that runs through my head.
Because I was 16 and I was seeing the girl I actually loved kissing another person. It still feels like a knife that I can never take back. It still haunts me everytime I lay awake.
Because I am 17 and I blocked all my feelings. I blocked everyone that I don't want to remind. I blocked everything that hurts. And now people ask "what happened to you?", I don't even know the answer anymore.

I still remember the glance of your eyes, filled with hate, covered in lies.
I still remember the touch of your hands, a single touch that i'll always despise.
I still remember the look on your face, every humiliation, every spanking, every mark in my body that I'll never erase.
I still remember every single word you said, after all this years they still spin in my head.
I still remember every tear you shed, for every ****** up guy that laid on your bed.
I still remember the harsh tone on your voice when you said "If you leave, never come back, that's your choice".
I still remember all that fear, from the nights you came home smelling at beer.
I still remember the pain in my bones, when you said "You'll never be good enough, you'll never be loved", it sinked inside me like stones.
I still remember the love in my heart, I was full of that until you broke me apart.
I still remember every time I had with you, your cruel words, everything you put me through.
I still remember our cold goodbye, I slammed the door on your face, I felt like dying inside but never looked back.
So tell me now, does it hurt you when you think that you were the first one that made my heart shrink?
Does it hit you at night? I am your daughter, what gave you the right?
Do you even remember me? All the nights I spent by your side, I wiped your tears when you cried, I wanted to make you proud, I tried, but all I got was the love you denied.
Now I can only feel hate, for all the darkness inside of me that you were able to create.
Was that right? Make both of your sons associate your name to fright? I hope you have troubles sleeping at night, I hope you choke in all your spite.

I would tell her that this is how you die by distance even being so close.
I would tell her "Hey lover, do you remember me? Maybe you don't, but let me introduce myself and we'll see...".
I would tell her that it's the third time I try to quit smoking, but this is another addiction that will remain. We all need something to prevent us from going insane.
I would tell her that "You can leave, you can always leave, come with me and let's catch a train". I would tell her that "You can come back, you can always come back, that's what a house is, a shelter from pain".
I would tell her that the memory of her rough voice undresses my memories.
I would tell her that her laugh sounds like those perfectly designed sweet melodies.
I would tell her that we are always afraid of each other even when we're not. We are more afraid of being together than of being apart.
I would tell her she doesn't have to believe in her every single thought.
I would tell her that I tried to stop writing about her but everything that comes out of me are love poems and death sighs.
I would tell her that I know everytime that she cries, I can feel it in me, when she lays at night choking in all her lies.
I would tell her that being empty comes with a big price.
I would tell her that I'm mad at her for making it so hard to leave.
I would tell her that I know what she hides behind that sleeve, many scars from all the people that still can make her grieve.
I would tell her that I love her through music, through literature, through nature, through everything my eyes touch...because everything reminds me of her, because I will always love her so so much.
I would tell her that I think she's the most majestic creature.
I would tell her that connections like this are rare so there's no need to be afraid. And maybe I'll need her to tell me the same.
I would tell her that after all this time, I wish she stayed. Or do I wish I stayed?
I would tell her that I never want to say goodbye because everytime she smiles I feel like she cracks open the sky.
I would tell her that this is for her and everyone else who reads this is just a stranger looking through a window at us.
I would tell her...
If I ever met her.

My love for you is not a tragic beautiful love story such as Romeo and Juliet.
My love for you is like the love story of the moon and the sun.
My love for you is a dying star ready to burst and create a giant black hole.
My love for you is like the universe, a beautiful enormous unknown.
My love for you is an unexplored galaxy that fascinates the most philosophic poets.
My love for you is like Venus, too beautiful for the eyes, but, come closer and it will burn you to the ground.
My love for you is like Neptune, too distant and too cold.
My love for you is like Pluto, even though people don't talk about it anymore, he's still there, screaming for recognition, screaming "please, I'm still here, notice me", a silent cry that makes you wonder that if a planet as beautiful and as unique as Pluto can be forgotten, why can't I forget something so fragile and small?
My love for you is like the love story of the moon and the sun.
The sun dies every night to let the moon breathe.
They will always love one another but they will never touch each other.
They love at distance. They rarely meet, they rarely have the chance to be together.
But when they do,
they create the most gorgeous phenomenon that you will ever see.
Someday the sun will explode, someday the moon will disappear, someday their love will die and there's going to be nothing here to tell the story about how they loved so fearlessly.
And that's how I know that our love is like the sun and the moon.
Too distant to touch.
Too beautiful to go unnoticed.
Too cold to burn out.
Too sweet to be bitter.
Too precious to not be treasured.

I have a theory.

I believe that every person that you meet in this life, you have already met them in your previous life, and the life previous to that one. And I believe that in every life we have a new chance to meet them so that we can learn...We learn to talk to them, to react to them. we learn to treat them better, we learn to love them harder, fearlessly.
And that gives me hope.

I hope our job is good in this life.
As humans, we treat ourselves badly. We don't love each other like we are supposed to.
But I am ready to learn a lot. Maybe I can love you even better next time. That gives me hope.
I know that in our next life, my soul will find yours again. We are made from the same atoms. We came from the same star and I know that I will meet you again and maybe we can give it another shot.
But first, I need to meet you here.
See you soon...

I wish I could define you
But I don't know you.
I wish I could define the way I feel about you.
But, to define is to limit,
And there are not enough words in the dictionary
To describe how crazy I am for you.
There is not enough oxygen in the world
To describe how breathless I get when I see you.
There are not enough philosophers
To talk about how mysterious you are.
There are not enough stars
To describe the galaxies inside of you.
There is not enough water
To describe how good it feels to drown in your mind.
There are not enough planes
To describe the way you flow in my thoughts.
There is not enough of me
To describe how much I want all of you.