It is she who steals into the sunless day
Bringing with her the warmth and color that cannot not survive in the shadowy black of night

Night that brings the heavy veil of weightless ink that covers all with beauty
Night that instills passion and fear and mystery and desire
Night of unspoken stories hanging on chilled breath
Night of floating dreamless sleep
Night of blended coal-black sea and diamond sky
Night of sliver sparkling moonlight, shining through the sweet-dewed mist
Night that finds her, the lonely wander,
Drinking in the silence and depth of night.

What is it to be strong?
Is it to remain standing, while the world around you falls?
Or is it to catch the falling world, and lift it above yourself
Knowing the weight will one day crush you

My mother is a warrior
Standing on a battle field
Surrounded by the carcasses of dead and broken dreams.
Dreams that she herself brought to their end, by the quickness of her own blade
And lost beneath the ****** hands and battle cries
Hides the broken child, who believed there would be more.
I don’t know why she does it
Fight the way she does
I’d like to believe it’s out of love for me
But I don’t think so.
I think it’s because she doesn’t know what else to do
She’s too strong to fall
Or too scared.

How does it feel.

How does it feel? Drowning?

A shocking force drives you deep deep under the change of matter and all around you the weight of the world is pushing you challenging you harnessing its unknowable might to break you until you don’t know which way is down

A numb and detached piece of you realizes it does not matter

And as the pressure drives through you your lungs begin to ache and your frantic heart is madly pounding airless blood through your swollen veins and you realize that you need air

But you know there is no air to be had

Desperation screams and the invisible noise hammers on the eardrums that were already broken and unconsciously seeing the inevitable end to this horror your body painfully forces you to pull in the toxic killer that surrounds you knowing the result and your decaying lungs are filled with ice

And then it changes

The hurt is still there and distantly you know you feel it you know you are still dying and if you are brave you know one small fiber of you is screaming and fighting because it is not ready to give up

But you are ready to give up

You are heavy and tired and the refreshing freeze of the water erases the burn of the memory of pain

Your brain is dead your heart is stone

preserved in its bleeding state

A heavy white sheet falls upon you and you are numb

You know you are dying

it is slower than you expected and

even on the reapers door you appreciate the irony

seconds are passing

and you know your very last

is approaching soon

and just before the

water turns black

you see

his face

his smile

his heart

and gladly you welcome the release.



How does it feel? Drowning?


I’ve never drowned. But I think it feels like this.

Let me take you to my special place
Where I go to think, to read, to write, to breathe
To feel, to cry, to dance, and to smile
I grew up walking across it's endless rocky shore
Across the plains of the ocean depth
When the beams of silver moon have called the ocean away
And pulling with it the darkest of secrets that reside there
I love that place
Everything about it


I love the smells of that place
the tangy briny twist of salt in the air
The smokey memory of an open fire
And that nameless flavor rinding on the wind
that your mind cannot connect to scent

I love the mystery of that place
the untold story that lies with each faded footprint in the sand
the romantic language spoken by the howling wind and roaring waves
And the sense of longing each of us posses for the world that resides in the darkest depths of the sea

I love the feeling of that place
The comforting echo of familiar memories
the gentle caress of the cool Arctic wind on my skin
And the completing sense that everything is right

I love that place
It's where I'm happy
It's where I belong

I stand on the edge of a great precipice,
A dream filling the expanse in front of me
Misty grey, entirely unsure
I rock back on my heels
It’s not too late to turn around.
Comfort, security, familiarity
Are waiting behind me,
In the small world I’ve always known
But ahead…

I don’t know what waits for me beneath the mist
If I jump off this precipice
The bottom might be hard and cold and empty
If the fall breaks me, will it hurt?
One foot out and my stomach drops
A nauseating blend of fear and anticipation
As I hang over the edge of my small world
A deep breath in,
And a quiet prayer for an adventure.
I jump
And I fly.

9:51am Sunday, May 5th, 2013
I wake up to the sound of rain.
With my eyes closed I listen to it drum against my window,
And I listen to his steady breaths.
With my head on his chest I can feel his heart beat,
And I feel his hand on my bare back.
And in this moment, this perfect contentment,
I know that I love him.
And in this moment, this pure and quiet joy,
I feel as though I'll never be alone.

8:05am Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
I wake up to the sound of rain.
With my eyes still closed, I listen to it drum against my window.
And I swear I can almost hear him breathing,
Can almost feel his heart beat,
And his fantom hand on my bare back.
And I cling to the memory of this moment,
Trying desperately to delay the pain.
And I brace myself for the moment,
When I will wake up alone.

For one night, and one night only,
I will love you madly.
And I know from the way you move with me;
exquisite,
And from the longing in your eyes;
exulting,
That for one night, and one night only,
You will love me madly too.

I didn't know I needed you
Until you were not there
Didn't begin to feel your love
Until it disappeared

And now you're gone
And I can't breathe.

Here I will wonder
And there I will wander,
And everywhere ponder
What life is about.

Back back now we go
to where we all know
Everything that once was
Will’ve remained just the same

They’ll ignore that you’ve grown
And the world that you’ve known
They’ll call you a child
And it will drive you insane

But you’ll nod and you’ll smile
And think all the while
You left them behind
And they’re not to blame.

All the places you’ve seen
Could never have been
But for their support of your spirit
Your heart, soul, and brain

So back back we will roam
To our childhood home
Where time has stood still
And you’ll rejoin their game

Pretend to be small
That you know nothing at all
That you’re an innocent child
Quiet and tame.

This time last year
You were my best friend.
We would talk for hours,
Until the candles burned low.
We’d talk about nothing,
And everything,
And I was so happy.