Why do I ask all these questions
that I can never hope to answer?
my heart only seeks the truth,
but it evades me like love on valentines day,
how do you find what just can't be found?
when my soul shattered all the pieces scattered,
and long sown scars began to bleed again,
the sorrow and sadness set back in,
I remember a time when I was happy,
I could smile as bright as the sun
and have fun without a worry in the world,
but back then I was so young and life so simple,
I didn't know that one man's dream
could be another mans nightmare,
I guess ignorance really is bliss,
because it's easier to smile when you forget about the pain,
but i'd still rather suffer in knowledge,
than be blind in ignorance,
I just wish it wasn't so hard to tell the difference
between what I want
and what I need.

This isn't where I though i'd be at 24,
drifting in the sea clinging to a broken door,
I thought life hit hard but love shook me to my core,
I buckled to the floor,
no way I could predict what was in store,
because trust me love hits like a truck,
I'm sitting here like where the **** is my mind?
I left all rational thought behind for the sake of love,
I don't know what I was thinking of,
so I turn my love into poetry and song
because I'm just trying to keep my heart strong
until she comes along and flips me on my head
and gives life to parts of me that I thought were dead,
because I've been lonely and depressed but I'll take love instead,
even though love isn't always the best,
sometimes it puts too much pressure on your chest,
until your hearts breaks and your head aches,
but you know the stakes when you're playing the game
and I say it's worth all the torture and the pain,
I'll walk through the fire and the flame,
I'll take all the hate and all the blame,
baby just keep on driving me insane
and I swear I'll keep this fire burning for you,
because love,
I know I drive you crazy too.
So what are we to do?
just a car, some ****, and only us two,
we can sit here for a while
and talk about the things that make us smile,
we can laugh and joke as we smoke the time away,
vent about work and the stressful day,
neither of us saying what we really wanna say
but still I wouldn't spend my time any other way,
because as long as I can hear your voice and look into your eyes
I can keep soaring through the skies with these words as my wings,
yet I still cant describe the joy that your smile brings,
and my heart sings for all the little things you do,
so love, what are we to do?

Sometimes it's hard to find motivation for even the simplest things,
like lifting my hand to write,
my pen feels so heavy,
like dragging a metal tube over thin dead trees,
the dark blood pouring from my hand
mixes with my tears as they fall to the page,
the blurry letters cry out but I don't recognize them anymore,
so I lay on the floor and try to decide what to do next,
maybe i'll just sleep here,
maybe sleep is whats best.

The words I want to say never want to come out,
even when I scream and shout,
my mind is just filled with doubt,
the words freeze in my every breath,
being unable to self express feels like death
and I can feel the pressure inside of my chest,
I can form a few words, maybe a sentence at best,
like a rope around my throat blocking my voice,
and then people try to tell me that I have a choice,
as if anxiety, depression, & fear would ever adhere to my will,
as if I could **** all the sadness with a simple thought,
but that's just not how it works,
because it still hurts no matter what I do
and I don't know how to explain to you
how I feel,
you can't see the pain but it's real,
and if I were able to show you I would,
but all I can do is just wish I could,
                   I wish I could..
I wish I could smile just like you,
and maybe laugh the same way too,
sleep & wake with a smile on my face,
walk with confidence in any place,
surrounded by people I know & love,
always looking up & above,

But no matter how much I want it to be,
that's just not me, its a fantasy,
can't you see the reality that I just cant and I don't know why,
and all I can do is just scream and cry!
wishing I could die because it's just too painful to be alive!
but I don't have the guts to do it myself,
even though there's no one else
to stop me from taking my own life,
ledge, led, noose or knife it doesn't matter,
I just can't pull the trigger,
yea I keep my life but my demons just grow bigger
as my heart & soul wither until I'm broken cold & bitter,
i'll sit here with a shiver,
trying to catch my tears before they fall,
wondering if I could have ever been happy at all.