i.

Here's to you, pretty girl.

It's been quite a while since I've seen you smile but every single time that you do, just know that it brightens my day in a way that you could never understand. And I know that the hand you've been dealt with has at times made you felt like the whole world was against you, but darling, that's not true.

If only you knew the way the rest of us saw you; if only you realized that your very existence is a true blessing to each and every person you come into contact with – that your crazy laugh and witty personality are in fact the centrality of my whole world.

It seems as though God has hurled a curve ball at you which is so unfair when everyone else has merely dodged their bullets. But you caught it straight in the heart and I know that its nearly torn you apart with the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it hurts to continue standing when the pain is branding scars into your skin. But pretty girl – please – do not let these demons win. You are more than this, and trust me when I say that if I could wave a magic wand and bond your heart back together then you know I'd do it time and time again.

Of course, life isn't like that though. But despite what that monster has told you before, if you can hold on just a little more then I promise that after you grow old you're gonna look back to this day and be grateful of the fact that you had the courage to say "if I can ignore this urge then maybe I'll be okay."

ii.

Here's to you, beautiful boy.

All you ever wanted was love from your mother but only received it from your two year old brother who has not yet perceived the truth about all the pain that will arise from a mom who doesn't care enough to leave her room and a dad who does nothing but lie.

And surprise surprise, your mouth speaks of wisdom but your eyes are blind to the beauty of yourself and the wealth hidden deep inside a poor man's mind because if there's one thing that I'll ever know, it's that the richest person in this whole **** world holds nothing to your heart of gold.

Unfold your wings and learn how to fly. Rise up from the floor where you were kicked to the ground without even making a sound because you think you deserve this. But I'm telling you right now that your nerves have been shot by the place you were brought up in. A home is not a home when daddy steals all your money just to pay off a loan and mommy's already thinking about where to put her tombstone.

Get out of this place that has caused so much hate; break free from this trap you're in and make your escape. Take my hand and I'll help you land safely on a ground that's free from the mound of shattered glass you've been trying to surpass your whole life. Leave the knife behind and push the bad thoughts from your mind because it's time to get away.

iii.

Here's to you, my two warriors. My carriers of on. My musketeers.

Rest your weary eyes, I say, forget your demise and keep your eyes on the prize: life. Just keep breathing, and even at the times when your heart won't stop bleeding and your lungs start heaving and you crumple to the floor – remember this:

No matter how deep that blade slices into your soft smooth skin, no matter how much you hate yourself and long for release, no matter how much that bottle of pills tempts you into thinking it's the only thing that will ease your tired body to sleep tonight, hold onto these five words and never let them go:

*I will love you more.

Have I told you yet...
How much you mean to me...
Have I told you  yet...
About all the happiness you bring!
Have I told you yet..
That you mean the world to me!
Just in case I haven't...
I want you to know that...
Your'e the best thing that's ever happened to me!
I love you

Perhaps to love is to learn
to walk through this world.
To learn to be silent
like the oak and the linden of the fable.
To learn to see.
Your glance scattered seeds.
It planted a tree.
     I talk
because you shake its leaves.

Shes suicidal
She has depression
Shes anorexic
Shes helpless
Shes sad
She worries

Im her best friend and I dont know what to do
I worry for her
Im sad for her
Im helpless
Im anorexic
I have depression
Im suicidal

this is not a poem. this is a plea. this is me begging you to hear me when i tell you that i love you. my voice is weak and shaking like the branches of a willow in the wind. my hands are trembling like tremors under the surface of the earth. my vision is so blurred that i can barely focus my eyes as i type. i can feel the impending collapse of my lungs as they are further crushed by the weight of all my anxieties. my strength is fading, but i'm still screaming for you, only you don't seem to hear me. i'm reaching for you but you won't take hold of my hand. i swear to god i'm trying with everything i have to hold you together, but i'm terrified it's not enough. the very thought of your nonexistence consumes me in a fear i have never known. i have never been good at telling people i need them, but i can tell you how vacant this world would be if you left it. everything would change. you can't come in to my life like you did and then just leave it with no warning. you can't do that to me. you can't tell me that you want to marry me and then try to disappear without so much as a goodbye. you just can't. so i don't mean to make you feel guilty, i just need you to understand. don't you know what it would do to me if you left? how many times are you going to almost-die before you realize i will never be the same if you do?

I notice you and all your insecurities you try to hide, how you hold your head up when the weight of the whole world is laying on top of it. you're strong, a masterpiece something crafted by god him self one the 7th day when he was supposed to rest. you're beautiful, and i see you. i want you, to want me. i wan't you to see me too, i want you to see all the good i can be when i can't see it my self, i want you to be my ancore, a hand to pull me out of these depths when i'm drowning in a dark endless abyss.  i want us both to compliment each other, to make each other better people. that's what I've always wanted, some one to open up too, someone who isn't scared to be vulnerable, cause that's when you're the most beautiful. someone i can love fearlessly, and that would love me fearlessly. maybe i'm just a hopeless romantic.

My mind just fell
         Knee deep into an inkwell
You're pre meditated ****** of creativity
                      **Didn't end well

To whomever is reading this,

First off, let it be known that I do not seek attention, nor do I wish it even in the slightest. See, I most certainly do prefer to be on my own. The spotlight's far too bright anyway. Or at least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. However, I still can't seem to shake the feeling that this could very well be a cry for help, and that somehow, these words are my last hope. But then again, it is just another humid night, and maybe I'm only writing to make use of my time as I've come to the realization that I won't be falling asleep at any point soon.

I thought I was doing better, I honestly did. I'd started talking to my friends again. Laughing, sharing jokes, maybe even throwing in a genuine smile every once in a while. I mean, I sure as hell knew that I still had a long ways to go, but, things were finally starting to look up for me. Or so it seemed.

What I've never been able to quite fully understand, is how quickly everything can change. In the blink of an eye, really. Life is not a constant; it's a rollercoaster ride filled with ups and downs and bumps and turns and highs and lows and scary moments. A good day can turn into a horrible day in just a fraction of a second, because that's just the way it goes. We're supposed to grin and bear it because, well, we have to. Things change and people change, and life doesn't stop for anybody.

But tell me, what happens when it's a bad day after a bad day after a bad day? What happens when your friends give up on you? When there's no more jokes to be told and a fake smile is the only thing that will force the corners of your mouth to curve upward? See, maybe I was wrong before. Maybe life really is a constant sometimes; because it seems to me that all I've got are constant feelings of darkness. Depression. Loneliness. Regret. Hatred.

I don't hate the world though, trust me. It's a beautiful place. And maybe, just maybe, if things get better I'll sail the seven seas and travel to all the different countries and just let the greatness of this world engulf me and swallow me whole. I'd like that, I really would. You see, I love this world. It's above and beyond anything I could ever imagine. I don't even hate life, for that matter. The very fact that we are here today has got to be the biggest miracle there is. But then there's my life, which is a whole different story.

Don't get the wrong idea though. I am not complaining about my life. I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, clean water, an amazing family, and so much more. There are children in this world who I'm sure would love to be me; children who don't have the money to attend school, or even to eat a decent meal. There are people getting *****, assaulted, bullied, and treated poorly every day. I am so lucky that I don't have to deal with any of that. So, why am I so unsatisfied? Why can't I just be grateful for everything that I have?

The thing is, I hate myself. Not only that though, I hate the way I've chosen to live my life. I hate the person looking back at me in the mirror each day, and I hate these thoughts in my head; screaming insults at me every second, loud enough to drown out everything that is good. I've forgotten how to appreciate the little things; like the fresh smell after a day of rain, or long walks on the beach, or laying down on cool grass to look up at the stars on a hot summer night. I guess I'm just too preoccupied with the things I should have done or shouldn't have done, not even thinking about the things that I still can do.

I'm a disappointment. A failure. I have put humans to shame. Why am I still here, when I clearly do not belong in a world of such beauty? Everything I touch gets spoiled; even myself. I should never have been born, but I was. And here I am still, but for what reason? What good can ever become of me? Should I just end it all right here and now, or would that do more harm than good? I don't know...

What I do know is this: I used to have hopes and dreams, always wishing that things would turn out in the end. But it's different now. I'm plummeting down into a tunnel of darkness, and the light that once could be seen near the end is now burnt out. I have no way of escaping.

Hope all is well on your end.

Much love,

Ridley