I'd like to settle
On fecund land
Grow tomatoes
Write about my life
The life I've hardly lived
But still
Can't there just be a house
With a coffee machine
Some books
Fields of lavender
Plains of grain
I never want to leave
That nonexistent land
I want to lay
In a fecund field
With one person
With you
Talk about us
And ignore everything else
Although it's unrealistic
I'd like it
Forever

in my moment of despair
you came to my rescue
to my swollen eyes
and unkept hair
and your timing was perfect
so thank you,
for offering me comfort in the form of food
and thank you for holding my hand
and kissing me like there's no one else on Earth
but I can't forgive you for all the times you've asked
for us to sneak around
because I am wonderful
and you are wonderful
therefore,
we shall be wonderful together

You all treat me poorly
I'm so broken inside
I don't think there's any cure
I've run and practiced yoga
Read and written
Medicated
What else can I do?
You all keep shutting me down
At every word
Every syllable
Every groan
It hurts me to know that I'll look back on my childhood
And resent every cell in your body
If I do move forward
Which I'm not sure I will
I'll never look back at the faces
That said
I was...
...egocentric
...ungrateful
...stupid
...ignorant
...ugly
­...self consumed
I've made a list
Of all the cutting words you've spoken
I'll never look back at your faces
I don't want to see anything that resembles you
Not my extended family
Nor my sister
I don't know if I'll have children
To think of putting a person on Earth
Who could potentially be
As ****** up as me
Would be cruel and unkind and wrong
That poor nonexistent child
They'll have my genes
My parents' genes
Cancerous and dangerous and terrible
It's so wrong
They could be an addict
Like my grandfather and uncle and me
They could be mentally ill
Depression is a mental illness
Right?
I refuse
As I write this
I only see more reasons to never do
What my parents have done to me
The pain that I feel every day
Is the type of pain
That no other human being deserves to feel
Let alone my hypothetical child
Maybe one day I'll find a cure
To this persistent unhappiness
But until life proves
That things can be made ok
Ugh
////////////////
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UGH


THIS ANGER

I D O N T
K/N/O/W
W/H/A/T
TO DO
A N Y M O R E

I've hit a hall


A concrete wall

I'm all alone. And it's not because I've pushed people away, because I have made it a goal to bring people closer. But my sister and mother will drive away and not invite me to be with them because I am too mean. I'm too selfish and delusional, and psychotic to participate in normal human interaction...or at least that's what they've told me. "Go complain to your therapist." "You're stupid." "You're ungrateful." I've heard it all. And this low is so ******* low, that I don't know if I'll ever go back up. My mom told me to lock the door behind me. I didn't. I didn't lock it because I don't care if a ****** or murderer walks in. Let them hurt me, it's hard to believe that I could be in more pain than I'm in right now. But that's stupid, because each day that I live proves that further pain does exist. No one want me. No one wants to be with me. I want to escape into bottles of alcohol and **** and pills, but I can't, because my ***** of a mother drug tests me. I can't begin to explain how ****** up I am. I can't begin to explain the everlasting agony that burn in my heart. My family, they're gone. I'm nothing to them. And I thought that there was one person worth living for, because I'm in complete and total love. But the love is unrequited, unreciprocated, and empty. So what more is there? How much harder can I try? I can't.

My past is not my present
So stop using my past against me

I am not a body
I am a soul
I am not an empty room
there are no reservations to be made

today my muscles sang
songs of broken melodies
pieced together
as my breath became rhythmic
push till it does not matter
and pull until it does
the saltwater rid me
of what i thought was the end
but then it all came back
and i contracted once again
savior is for the dead

I want to be anywhere but here
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
and say "I was here"
I am the anywhere but here girl
but the essence of me is here to stay
I will never back down and I will always stand strong
I will be resilient and quiet but bold
Because being stern is better than being a *****
and ***** I'm ******* done with this *******
so hold anything gross in your mouth
and throw it up in the bathroom
because we don't want to take it
I am going to hug myself
and love myself
and envy my own being
and when I do
I will be free

cradle the passion he fills you with

sing till lungs bleed for he is your melody

never question his word

only bite it with flame

grab onto parts of him that will one day go away

Can I borrow?
May I have?
Do you have?
Can you...?
STOP
TAKING
WITHOUT
GIVING
We are not friends, nor do we communicate, so leave me alone...

o
my
god

i hate you

so rude

i can't

You're my father
I want you to come to my room
And insist on talking to me until I stop crying
Because I need someone to physically be with me
Screens won't cut it anymore
I'm in distress
I'm hurt
And I want your presence

I have much to say,
and you know that I do
Because two nights ago you said,
and I quote
"I know you want to say something"
But I wish I could tell you how I feel
the feelings that you know exist
We're two halves to a whole, **** the cliche,
we are great
We have been described as "perfect" to the nearby observer
and hell, all I want is you
I want all of you
Not the bits and pieces because if I can love one part of you, I can love it all
This hurts because you know that it should be you and me
It should be the two of us
I won't forget you
You've molded me, and I molded you and there's no denying it
There are days when I think of the end of "us",
and it results in ***** and tears and lack of motivation
I want to crash into your emotions…
the way you tried to crash into mine…a year and a half ago
You'll be in my heart until someone else takes over
but I hope that no one else takes over
Despite your many imperfections,
I would do anything for you
because that's how it should be
Why won't you speak to me?
Why won't you admit that you love me back?
Why won't you make it official?
I know why…
it's because you want power
you want the image of a player who ***** hot *****
…the problem is…
you are transparent
I know you love me
as does the rest of the world
and I hope that one day this is resolved
because I don't want "what if?"s
Show me the solidarity that I know you can exhibit
and convey the emotion that you refuse to acknowledge
and when you do,
you'll be free from the *******,
and even better, you'll be free
free with me

your loyalty fooled me
twice
*******.

I don't want to hear the echoes of what could have been
nor do I want to think of today as a distant memory
because right now…
is the beginning of always
and I always want to know what should have been
or what would have been

what would happen
if tomorrow, I looked you straight in the eye and said "there is an "us""
would you shoot me down or would you let me articulate the thoughts that have brewed inside of me for months

would you say that "we" are something…

You will never need me for the reasons that I need you, and that's why we'll always be broken.

The dreary grey portrays this state
this state of contentment
the contentment however
is troubling
because lack of inspiration
is troubling in the sense that
I don't know what to do or what to write or how to write
and because it's my "art",
I'm angry that I cannot articulate these nonexistent thoughts
To think that creativity stems from suffering
is to think that pleasure is contingent on pain
still, this contentment is leading to mania and confusion
confusion as to why my writing isn't what it used to be
and I ask myself to weigh the costs and benefits
of suffering versus peace of mind
and I don't know
so here I am,
unexposed
left in between two fragile states of
emotion,
that cannot be described

Aside from myself
Time is my devious enemy
Tricking me into
Believing that things will happen
At 2:20
I thought it would happen
But oh no
Time couldn't reason
With the thought of my happiness
Time punches me in the face
I fall to the ground
And
THUMP
Five more punches
Before I've even had the TIME
To stand up
After the initial punch
And as my knees are bending
My legs thrusting
My body upward into stance
Time stabs me
And I bleed
I bleed every blood cell
Each cell
Is a secret
But time wounded me
And made everything pour out
Time drained my body
And replaced it with blood that wasn't mine
So time
Once again
Has changed me

and for a brief moment
i swore that the world i had once knew
would never return to its complacent being

the elusivity of time had made its way into
my brain and suddenly,
we all realized nothing had mattered in the slightest

I have felt abandoned ever since you left me sitting alone after school on my birthday
So when I woke up after my surgery, it wasn't surprising that you weren't there
You broke me on that day
My thirteenth birthday is representative of the disdain I feel toward you
And I sit here, at 6:15, you said you'd be home at 4:00
Although I'm angry at you, I'm angrier at myself...for thinking that you could keep your word
I've felt neglected for 5 years
People really never change
Thanks, Mom

i think ive only seen
one other face
that looks as tired as mine

her eyes reflected black holes
and the bags underneath them
were as dark as rain clouds

and her beautiful face
cant begin to explain
the ugliness of her past

when she told me
that her brother had died
i didnt know how to respond

all i could think
was
how can someone possibly be sadder than me?

The ache of my cramping stomach
gives me chills
and droplets fall down my cheek because
it hurts so much

the anger that comes with my greatness
has been described as a blessing in disguise
but the situation is entirely transparent
and my effort
goes
absolutely nowhere
because one moment of recognition does not suffice

I resent my parents because
they neglected me when
a chronic illness consumed my body
and for months I was alone
in my bed
immobile and miserable

I miss what could have been
it could have been everything I year for today
but I ****** up
twice
I miss us

I miss the days that I can't remember

Knowing that I'm not the only one
hurts more than a gun shot wound
seeing you hug her
only reminds me of all the times
you didn't hug me

I see her face
and it makes me sick to my stomach
I see her and I have to walk out and drive away
because it's impossible for me to believe that
the memories you're building with her
are greater than the memories you have of me

can you remember all the times we glared into each other's eyes?
how about the prolonged kisses?
the late night conversations?
anything?

Or do you have all of that with her too?

If you do
I'm heartbroken and livid and confused

Because wholistically speaking
I'm far greater than her

For I have a brain
tangible thoughts
the ability to speak to your family

I put effort into you
in hope that one day it would pay off

but right now

I'm just an idiot

Feeling like an estranged wife
watching the other woman and her husband together
at a party of a friend that we once shared while together

Want me back
get me back
earn me back

because

I want you
I need you
I love you

An old Florida home
Mango tree in the back yard
Hanging over our patio
When May comes
The Mangos are ripe
As ripe as the school children are for summer
As ripe as the reflection of the sun
The sun’s brightness is blinding
And every time we open our eyes
After having stared at the sun
Our perspective on the world is different
Our change of perspective is not conscious
When it rains
It’s fresh
Fresh like dew on a daisy
Fresh like a daisy sitting in the hair of a girl in love
A girl in love
It sounds foolish
That we accept such a complex notion
There aren’t any noncomplex concepts
An explanation doesn’t exist
I could explain for hours
Explaining wouldn’t mean anything
Explaining wouldn’t mean anything more than the coming of May
Or the passing of summer
Even the new beginning of fall
Fall to the ground
Be with the soil
Nothing is forever

When I saw your face
I was astonished by your presence
Surprised and confused and angry
I devoted a year of my life
Thinking about the possibility of "us"
You showed me that the possibility of us
Simply didn't exist
So I went on to someone else
Someone who has filled my life with passion
Someone whose presence encourages me to put on makeup in the morning
Someone who I have liked for so long
And tonight
You and him were face to face
It was the battle
That had always existed but never begun
You hugged me
To make him feel jealous
So thank you
Because five minutes later
He grabbed me
We embarked on a walk
Once again he said
"Why are you always so sad?"
Then he grabbed my face
Kissed it gently
Then more passionately
Suddenly we were on the ground
You get the gist
Long story short
Had it not been for you
I would have never loved him
I never thought I would say  this
But thank you
Because I am so in love with thought of a different "us"

Wine nights are for the lonely
for the lonely to gather
for the lonely to ponder an alternate world

in which they have a companion
or apartment larger than their current residence
or five year plans absent of labor

I love wine nights.

Wine nights are the winding ***** on a Jack-in-the-box going backward
soothingly miserable
my fondest type of drunk; loopy, then asleep

Wine nights are for the old and wrinkly
kidding.
the old and wrinkly have husbands

wine nights
pathetic, right?

**** wine nights
i'm going to sleep..
SOBER

Before you were you
You bled tears of life and sang songs of fear
You believed in serenity
And met peace at its core
Till you fell out the building
That is when you changed
When you hit concrete and saw that there was a world beyond
The grass of child's play and hills of dewdrops
As you began to sail
You found me again
You found me when I thought I couldn't cry anymore
You brought me life when she died
You brought me excitement when I was asleep
And you brought me the gift of knowing
That even if I was alone
Even if you hated me
You would still bring me words of comfort
Or faces of need
And it is in those very moments
That I close my eyes tightly
Clench my jaw
Pull my hair
And realize
That even if you aren't with me
You will always be here

They say "you can't go home again"
I dismissed the thought; believed that I could return to the town that I once
rode through on my beach cruiser,
walked through with my friends,
utilized poor construction sites as makeout spots

"I've come home", he sings
but if there is one thing that I believe my mother was right in saying is
that this is all geography

That perhaps is the scariest thought of all;
that I don't yet know where by home is or who will fill rooms with music
and enjoy the elusiveness of life with

I've come home
but not in the way he means it
I have come home to my teenage broken heart--and its perpetrator
I have come home to a house where I was on month-long bed rests
I have come home to a structure that is seemingly not mine

I suppose I wish it wasn't true;
that you can't go home again
and things are ever changing...
that is something we must accept as we grow older

When I truly think about it though, I don't know that I would want to return to my once "home"

I think I just wish I had one.

I think
And I think like you
And I think I like you
You're so wrong but so right
Excuse the cliche
****
******* for being
So right
About everything
You know what you're doing
At least it looks like it
So when I watch you walk by
All I see is ambition and drive
Everything I could possibly want
And then I have strangers
Telling me
That I mean nothing to you
I don't need to be your everything
But I need to be something
So to think
That I'm nothing
Cuts
Like a razor blade
Against
Clean flesh