Lighter days, do not lie to me
Contentment is kind and I wish for it to remain
Lighter days, you often fool me
I am not one for love letters, but Lighter Days...
fill me with hope
remind me on dewey fields, breezy mornings, and coffee at dawn
Lighter days, you are my savior
Through the darkness I remain entangled in, I know there is another path
Sweet symphonies are nourishing
I have heard the music
I do not want to stop listening
Lighter days, you are "lighter"
Lighter than the dark
I am still here, complicatedness and pain are still here
Continue to remind me that the operative is "lighter"
and that one day, my "lighter days" will soon be free

My heart is cold. It had been previously overheated, by emotions that my mind took in like sweet ecstasy only to spit these emotions out like sour milk. My body learned to stare at the milk carton, and no longer have the urge to drink the liquid that is perfectly fine. Expiration date: five weeks from now. But no, ever since I drank that sour glass, I can’t be emotional anymore. I want to sympathize and empathize, but only with you. Because here, empathy could be easy and sympathy would be natural. But, all I want to feel is you. I want to feel the shape of your thoughts. I want to be constricted to you and only you. You’re the only milk I’ll ever drink. You’re today, tomorrow, and yesterday. You’ve told me that your father is an alcoholic. He would get drunk off wine, and you called him a “*****”. You always stare into my eyes before we conform to each other’s bodies and say “Why are you always so sad”. My response is never fulfilling, and I’m sure you want to know about me, but I’m not ready to tell me story, so tell me yours. Your father is an addict. He had a difficult childhood and grew up to be a man, both hated and praised. Your mother had breast cancer and back surgery, but why? Maybe I don’t even need to know about your parents, what about you? You stare into my pupils and question my ever-present sorrow, so, may I question yours? Why do you shut off your emotions, the same way I do. Why do you remain unaffected by the pain of others? I have tasted the sour milk on my tongue, and I vow to never taste it again. But, when our lips touch, I taste honey and I smell lilac, and I feel home. So tell me, what your story is, please… We feed off each other’s agony and cry in our beds at night, we meet up at midnight so that we don’t feel alone, we rest in the pain that makes us bitter and unkind. I need to know your story, because although I have seen bits and pieces of an overcomplicated puzzle, I need to see the whole picture, and you need to see mine. Please, you’re all I have. Let me taste honey and smell lilac and feel at home, because with you, my heart is warm,

Goals I've set
have been met
in order to get what I want
And as soon as I can have it
It dies
Literally
Poetry, "literally"
As soon as it's at my fingertips
It goes away
As if it hadn't been waiting
For an entire year

You tell me to lock the car doors because we're in a bad neighborhood
I don't
Because perhaps something bad will happen
Maybe I'll be taken away and tortured
But it seems impossible that anywhere is worse than here
I don't turn on the alarm anymore
I feel unsafe regardless, so what's the point
You tell me to lock all the doors
Except the lock to my soul and emotions and thoughts
But I've already locked that door and disposed of its single key

More time spent on you
precious time with my best friend
$PENT on YOU
You horribly perfect being
What am I saying?
I love you more than I ever thought someone could love another human being
I want to stargaze with you and eat donuts late at night
I want to be in your bed and cuddle for days
BECAUSE WE CAN
You've controlled me for so long now
Does your power over me make you love me less?
Has my unconditional affection somehow deterred you?

Please
Tell me what I can do

People tell me that together we're ridiculous and that it's sick
But we both know sick
and this isn't sick

This is right

__________________­_________

I dont know how to put my love for you any other way besides this poem
because right now you're probably ******* to pictures of her as I sit here wondering if I'll ever touch you again

Please see me
recognize me
love me








LOVE ME

I know that its hard for you because you've been through so much
but right now you seem to be the solution to all of my problems
and the remedy to my distress
dont love me less than you love her because I AM HERE for you
and I am RIGHT

LOVE ME

Love me half as much as I love you

I see the suffering in your eyes
the happiness in your smile

Im confused beyond confusion and the only thing blurring my thoughts is you

Send me a message
-verbal
-physical

ANYTHING

any form of "I want to be with you" will do
because I WANT TO BE WITH YOU
despite the inconveniences and unpleasantries you may cause me

Love me

Looking at you is like looking at a marvelous building
a skyscraper, glassy windows and no clue as to what's inside
your words cut me sharper than any knife I've ever seen
you get angry and take it out on me,
say things like
don't ever talk to me again
you're a stupid *****
...yet I'm still here
the words hurt because they have value
I believe what you say because you're my escape
so when I hear the meanness...
it feels like my every insecurity is being reinforced
being around you doesn't make me nervous
- it makes me alert
- present
- emotional
- emotionless
I never know what I'll feel because you're so unpredictable in your ways
your entry into my life changed me
it changed my perceptions of people and culture and the future
and you nailed your thoughts in so deep
that even when you're not here
your opinions are
knowing that you've suffered only makes me suffer
it makes me weaker and it makes my sympathize with silly nothing when I should be focusing on my own problematic existence
you make my days revolve around 96th street, figuratively, that is...or not
you're motivation and anticipation and hope
you're every adjective in my vocabulary and that's disgusting because now I look like one of "those" people
dreaming of you leaves me restless rather than rested
and everything we have in common
sparks either a "*******" or "love you"
never "love"
I'm afraid someone may take my place because I regard you highly
and you know that
I don't know the same
you're too old to be the way you are
and we're both too old to do this again
"this" being "us" or...
you hurt me, all the time
be my friend if you cant love me because I need to be unfolded and wrapped up
I've done all the warming and holding and now I'm lost
so help me find myself
you've done it without knowing it before...
so be with me again
so that I can be strong and in your room
where we can talk about the future
forever...

There are untouched moments
Of porcelain faces and priceless youth
Moments that reflect our faces as children--

Faces that sing nothing but clarity
Clarity that is unimaginable,

Because our minds have been tarnished by the generation that we've become
The sadness of that perfect moment

The moment that cannot be replicated until we watch our own children

Shuffling through these boxes of memories
Makes me wonder who I've become
Because I was happy and happy was all there was

Yet today, happiness does not seem possible
Not the happiness that our infant faces reflected

There are moments
Moments that have been captured
Moments that make me remember that one day, I will smile again
And when I smile, I will be genuinely happy
Because I want to be

In the past year,
I've taken an unquantifiable amount of photographs
Yet none of them capture the moment that I speak of

This unexplainable moment
The pain and joy that fills my chest when I look at myself as a child and wonder,

What happened to me?
When did this happen to me?
And then I ask myself--
Why can't I remember the long days of fairy tales and lemonade stands?

How could I say something
So stupid
Without reasoning the implications
I don't know if it was a subconscious cry for help
Or a way of explaining the way something can affect me
But right now
I know
That you are in tremendous pain
And that I am ungrateful and selfish
This isn't about you
It's about me
And that's the problem
I'm sorry
That I threatened my life
When you've lost so much already
The pain persists
And hopefully my love for you will too
Because knowing that you love me
May be
The only thing that's keeping me alive

I didn't know what I was doing
the ***** had gotten to my head
and I was already absent from the real world
here I was with someone who seemed like
perfection
yet we had only just met
but he was charming and sincere
and "being" with him felt right
it felt right…until
until I wasn't me anymore
until my values had been shattered
and my dignity stripped
I can't be the strongest person you know because I ****** up
and it was awful

hours have been spent
hours of me, staring at myself
not in a mirror, not at a picture
but of my words

and,
i've come to realize that i have been wrong
and i have been wronged
emotion and pain are understandable but,
how can these words possibly explain how i feel

i've been thinking of someone else for too long
my problems aren't contingent on our relationship at the moment...
because that's pathetic and weak and it's not me
nor will i let it become me

i've been wrong
i cant blame you for not loving me
i cant blame the world for believing that my feelings toward you...
are unrequited
and i wont blame myself either

as a writer...
as a person...
the type of person i am...
it's difficult to call my previous prose and poems
"works of self victimization"
even if they are,
they're still art

**** what everyone else thinks
**** the world
**** everyone

but i will never say "*******" to myself

and that is where i have been wrong

it's going to take more than this
one, long, grievance
to mitigate...


NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

I changed my mind
I have the right to be angry and the right to be hurt
You hurt me and I won't let that go until you say "I'm sorry"

And I take back that comment about "self victimization"
**** that entire concept
If I am a victim of someone else's careless actions, I remain sane in writing it down
I can think of myself however I want to
I was NOT wrong
I was right in every sense of the word because I conveyed the emotion that will never slip through my mouth
It's the emotion that will only pour out of my eyes
and out of my heart
It;s the emotion that is surreal, yet my reality






























NO

This world seems to cruel
For there to be a god

I don't believe anything
That the old testament has to say

The words that once led me in life
Are nothing but rhetoric

Because religion is ambiguous
And everything it has to offer is twisted

My religion is the feeling of success
It's the music that never escapes my mind

It's Bob Dylan's songs
Allen Ginsberg's poems

My religion is your touch
The friends by my side

I refuse to have religion imposed on me
I will not have my first amendment rights infringed upon

I will not say candles are holy
Just because my deceased grandmother believed so

I am a person
I am not a religion

you're a raging ****
who takes my ****
not only my physical stuff,
like clothing and books
...oh wait, you don't read
but you take my friends
and my partner
and my identify
I found myself a long time ago
I made a name for myself,
well before anyone knew who you were
That music that you're blasting right now,
was literally extracted from my computer with your USB
...buy your own clothing
...find your own music
....find yourself, because this is identity theft
And then, you paint your room
the same color as mine
this may seem trivial,
but it's sick if you think about it
don't tell me to take my meds when you're mad at me
don't claim I'm a ***** without a warrant
leave me alone
just...stop

I thought that I could shake the feelings
The feeling of love
Torture
That you bring upon me
I thought that someone else's kiss could somehow neutralize every time you've ever kissed me
It didn't
Every since we kissed
Every other kiss has seemed so...
Passionless, boring, pointless
And I try to shake my love for you
But when I see you around children
You speak to them and smile
I speak to them and smile
And biology takes over
Suddenly, I think of you as a father
As if the children you were watching over were our own
Oh, you
You mean so much
Too much
I can't ever lose you
Despite the pain you bring me
And every time
I try to shake my feelings for you
I'm only reminded
Our passion is incomparable
To any other kiss in the world
And when we make that eye contact
You know what eye contact I'm talking about
I feel electricity through by bones
Warmth in my muscles
Oh, you
You terrible, wonderful person
I can't believe how long it's been
I can't believe how much I've grown to love you

what's my pen name you ask
really?
if I wanted to say something out loud
nothing would stop me
I do-- say whatever I want out loud
but what I put on paper
is none of your business
because you couldn't possibly understand

slathered in vain
drenched in ego
and reek of self

i can no longer feel
the soul that once sang into my eyes
and for miles i followed
the road paved

and i was there when manhood struck
when success was fluid
and love potential

but your heart is not kind
it does not speak the language of compromise or
compassion

and you thought you were free
yet you had everything to lose

it must ache now
force fed pride that consumed everything you'd done

Once my hopes were shattered,
my expectations disappeared...

Ambition drove me to hell
Where I stood in the torrential downpour
Waiting for a hero of some sort

Maybe it would be him
Maybe it would be the sight of his license plate
Or the whiff of his cologne
Hopefully two abrupt hands covering my eyes

But no, I was alone in the rain
My laptop in my bag
Only to get wet, along with my copy of "The Sun Also Rises"

I had nowhere to go
No one to see
Or no one who wanted to see me

My family was away
My friends had all dispersed into cars full of life and spirit

And then I saw a friend
no
less than a friend
...someone I know?

I was stupid enough to go with her to a house rampant with drugs
Powder perfectly lined up
Broken up ****
Old prescription bottles
******* and marijuana and oxy and everything that feels like heaven but tastes like hell
FALSE
tastes like heaven but leads you to hell

**** my stupidity
So depressed that I couldn't make a simple decision
a decision so simple, all I had to say was "no"
Because stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right?
Same result
Stupid because my actions are counterproductive to everything I work for
Endless hours of typing and reading and underlining words that were already highlighted
Stupid because I was selfish
selfish enough to only want to get high
and not think about the people around me
So stupid
it's laughable
FALSE
it's painful and terrible and everything I dont want YOU to feel

And I consumed the substance  
that altered my mind into a kaleidoscopic whirlwind
Of blackness and white dots
one minute I was there...
the next I was home
and then a coffee shop
and then my house

My eyes were as glazed as a krispy kreme donut
excuse that deliciously disgusting simile
POuNDs of led were on my eyelids
and nothing mattered


until it did
until my HIgh became a lOW
until my mother walked into the room - - unexpected - - danger
until my mother said "you're gone"
until my mother cried because her brother was addicted to coke and her dad would shoot up on painkillers
until I was a reminder  

it matters
I think it matters

I am the downpour
they say "When it rains, it pours"
and ****...
it's been raining  a lot

everyday theres another thunderstorm
literally and figuratively

just imagine
REALITY
who can riddle the thought of reality
not me
not me at all...

Reinforcement
Defined my Merriam Webster as
"the act of strengthening or encouraging something"
In psychology, there is negative reinforcement
And there is positive reinforcement
Each act committed is intended to produce a certain result
Give a dog a bone
If they sit when you say "sit"
It's simple
But here I have a problem
My positive acts are reinforced with negative results
Straight A's--> Mental Breakdown
Straight A's and kindness toward my sister--> unacknowledged
Straight A's and a sweet disposition and kindness
Was supposed to result
In me getting
What I have been working for
For over a year
But once again
Life has smacked me in the face
Reinforced my positive acts
With negative results
Further producing
A girl cry
Profusely
A sea of tears
Bricks on my back
Needles in my feet
Hell

"I've been torn from the cloth of my people" I told my parents
A night prior I had unlatched my symbolic necklace
I told myself that I was finished
Finished because organized religion hadn't spoken to me
Prayers and holidays never elated me like they did everyone else
Not for lack of trying
I've lit candles
Opened presents
Gone to my house of worship
Associated myself with those of the same religion
But why?
Because my parents told me to?
I'm too old for that to be a reason
I look at the scripture and I don't believe it
I've prayed in houses of worship for hours
Every weekend
Praying for health or happiness or love
Even though I may not get everything I want
It's not my reason for not believing in a higher power
What do you mean "God"?
Am I supposed to defend my "people", just because they're my "people"?
I can't do it anymore
I'll listen and hope that one day I'll believe in God
As for now
I'll look to science and literature for guidance
Maybe one day I'll lay that necklace around my neck again
But not today

I can't be patient for any longer because I've been waiting for too long
Everything I've ever done feels worthless and like a disaster
I don't know who will love me when things get bad
Because things are bad
And the people that I need the most are too far away or too consumed to notice
To notice that I'm drowning in a sea of misery and paranoia
My breaths have become shorter and my pupils are dilated
I gaze into other people's eyes and I see nothing
A long time ago, I made a conscious decision to see nothing
And now I'm blind
But with blindness comes increase sensitivity of my other senses
So now my tears fall down my face and they feel like acid on my skin
Every whisper falls into...
This isn't living
This isn't life
Because life happens and this is something else
This is bigger than me
This is something that will still hover over my head when I wake up
And it will haunt me till I go to sleep
The worst part is that I don't know how to effectively cope
With everything life has bestowed upon me
So I'm left on the curb
Staring at a finish line
And I'm paralyzed
I'm alone with the thoughts and the voices that brought me to this state of recklessness
This state of unrevealed truth and blanketed wounds
My feelings aren't gone because I chose to share them
Shared they were, but only two people recognized the cry for help
I was transparent and found
But we're all too lost
And I'm too broken to win another battle
Weight is on my chest and I'm bitter over someone
I have been in a dark place for so long, that I've forgotten what light looks like
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop crying
I don't think I'll ever stop crying
These droplets will forever fall from my grayish irises onto pavement and rocks and nothingness
Pain doesn't go away
Pain becomes me
I am tired and I cannot sleep and I'm afraid of what the future holds
Because at moments like this
I question the existence of a future
"I drank coffee, and read old books, and waited for the year to end"
But I've been doing that for 6 years, and I'm tired
So I need to be held and helped by someone or something
I need to remember what sweetness tastes like
And I need to piece together this puzzle called life
There are no leaves on the trees
Don't mistake it for fall
Because the leaves were never there
I need to be closer to love than I am right now
To love that is requited
The love that I've felt before
The love that is sweaty palms and mumbled giggles
Rhapsodies of savior
Someone,save me
Help me save myself

He said it would happen when the time was "right"
I can't tell you how many times it felt right
Because the number is countless
And after all this time
It was finally right
But not with him
And although I'm glad he doesn't have me
I'm angry that the time for us still isn't right
How does one night triumph two years
How

How many times do I have to hear
"You're going through a rough time right now"
Because I can understand a "rough time"
How long can this rough time possibly last
I spoke to my mother last night
and she told me that things are bad right now but eventually it'll go away
So I asked her
"How long has it been?"
And all she could do was bury her face in her palms
It's been four years
Is four years a rough patch...
When I'm not even 18 years old
Four years isn't a rough patch
It's a rough life

I felt the earth bring me to life
rooted from the ground up
nourished in soil that was rich
but the earth has now brought me down
and my life is a tundra
because I'm alone
I am without a person to turn to and
it aches
I'm sorry that I'm mean
and I'm sorry that I'm full of problems
but I'm not sorry for everything I have given
to you
to everyone
how could an earth so great
pull me down to a level
of sadness and despair
I'm alone
and it's my fault
there's only one person to hate
and it's myself

She looks at herself in the mirror
and sees an unfamiliar version of 'what could have been'
her skin is translucent
arteries are illustrated throughout her bare chest and arms
she looks down
it is not the body that she built
it is not the statue that she sculpted
there are legs but they do not run
they are latent and purposeless and blue

She looks back up
touches the mirror--right where her bowed lips are
they have not been grazed by another being since the last time she saw herself
the bags underneath her eyes
scream
I have been carrying too much
her eyes which once shone with possibility and ambition are now glazed over--impossible to reach

She hears herself speak
her vocal chords do not hum
instead she hears the words that she has written
as if her own poetry were a curse

She looks in the mirror
five minutes before she needs to leave for another day of something that someone somewhere deemed important
somewhere...

She turns around
back to the mirror
nose pressed
head down
ignoring her own cry for help

I am wiping my slate clean only to get it ***** again with memories of you

Lolled into slumber
The leather of my headphones hug my tired ears
My eyes can't focus anymore
I hear notes and words and melodies
Lolled into slumber
I know that I'll finally be at peace
Alone
Finally away from everything I hate
And everything I love
Lolled into slumber
I'm thankful
Thankful that I made it through
Lolled into slumber
I wonder what I'll dream of
Sometimes I pray that I'll dream of the perfect future
Other times I pray that I'll dream of the man I once loved
Lolled into slumber
I don't want to sleep
Because with sleep comes the commitment to wake up
And I don't want to commit to that
Because REM is so much better than whatever comes my way
Lolled into slumber
I can't control anything
And I need to control things
Lolled into slumber
But I turn the lights on and go berserk
I start reading and researching and cutting and pasting and eating and not eating and it's a mess
Lolled into slumber
I stare at the screen of my phone
Hopeful that I'll receive a text that will change something
Lolled into slumber
I have no choice but to fall asleep

It's not sadness anymore
It's shame
I thought that I could change things
That I could change things about myself
But people never change and I know that
I know that because at the tick of midnight he was nowhere to be found
And when I found him, his lips were pressed against someone else's lips
I'm the idiot
I was with him the night before
I know who he is and how he acts and I am at fault because people are incapable of change
This isn't sadness, it's shame
Shame in the failure that no one knows about
Shame in the fact that after 15 months, he still doesn't love me back
Shameful that although I believe I have become a better person, no one else has
I need to save me from myself before I **** up again
Things are ****** right now, despite the fact that 48 hours ago
I was happy and content and at peace for the first time in a long time
I wish that the first day of the new year hadn't ended the way it did
Because last year was treacherous and if tonight has set a precedent for the new year, I'm done
I will be done trying and fighting for the things and people I want

soulmates never die
they rest in your heart's valves
hibernating from the love that was yours
they sneak up on you occasionally
through hidden lyrics
through words unspoken
through social media, god ******

soulmates graze your heart like dandelion blossoms
they make you feel whole and loved and welcome

but soulmates are not always mutual
they are the one way street you do not want to drive down
the dead end you encounter each time you try to get close to the end

your heart may meld into my mold but perhaps yours needs growing
perhaps the valve pumping blood to your heart is reserved
for someone you have not met

but...
you have met me
you have met my grin at midnight
my tears in your car
my forehead on your shoulder

soulmates never die
you will rest inside me till i forget what it was like to love you

i will always love you
you fit my mold
you rise like magic out of a storybook

your words will never be forgotten
for i live to hold your memory

may it rest comfortably
and may it find a home
in my heart, I hope

Starting right here, I want to remember your smile
Your glistening teeth, full lips, and freckles
I want to remember the feeling of our fingers touching
The comfort that came with your presence

I want to remember the time we were partners
When we stayed up the entire night to perfect our work
I miss the feeling of being wanted by you
We’re so close geographically but it’s impossible to see each other

It’s my hope that one day, we will excel together
We will remember the days we spent together as children
We will remember growing through the hardest of times with each other by our side
We will continue to grow, and be, and stay

Stop it with the temper tantrums and "poor me"s
Stop victimizing yourself because you are the one hurting yourself
Mistakes are understandable and two-time mistakes are fine
But Jesus ******* Christ
You do this all the time
It's stupid and irrational and self destructive
It hurts me to see you in pain but I have pains of my own
Pains that aren't controllable
I.e. A parent with cancer
Yet your pain stems from the continual decision to smoke **** and get too high
You say you're embarrassed and you should be
You can't control the sad environment around you
But  you can control how you respond to it
So stop responding this way because we're all fed up with the *******
You need help -- Literally
You need a therapist and a psychiatrist
Hell! If I had a prescription pad, I'd put you on a high dose of prozac
And sort out those daddy issues of yours
You are a genuinely good, kind person
But your life is going nowhere because you're too caught up in your cruel past
I hate to say this, but get over it
Because things will not fall into place unless you make an effort to fix your disposition

Thousands of miles away
Human beings are being gassed to death
And photographs of mourning families
Are published by the hour
And even though
The world acknowledges Syria's current condition
Very few have seen the pictures
Blood and tears and unfathomable terror
Ignorance at its finest
America at its finest
Why cant we be a nation of proactivity rather than reactivity
Why does it take so much
For people to realize
That genocide is occurring
And that lives are being torn apart
As we sit calmly at our dinner tables
Abundant with pea soup
And roasted chicken
And lack of caring

Across the sea
Fighting the "War on Terror"
Doesn't "war" imply that we have a declared enemy?
You did it for your father
You did it because you love this country
You said it was your moral duty
Weeks without communication
The occasional video chat
All I'd see in the background
Were the bunk beds you'd sleep on
You said you were okay
You told me I shouldn't worry
When you came home
There was a new War on Terror
The war on the terrors that crossed your mind every night
The terrors that woke everyone within a 5 mile radius up
The terrors that ensured that your back was always to a wall
You said you were okay
You weren't
You were traumatized and broken and indifferent toward life because you'd seen so many lives lost
This new War on Terror is more difficult than the one in Afghanistan
This is a "war"
And the enemy is your mind

As tears fall down my swollen eyes
My instinct is to call you
To ask you to save me,
because you're the only one who can
You can mend my brokenness
Your kiss, your smell, your embrace
All of you, reminds me
That there is something worth living for
And you remind me that life is ****** up and the only thing we can do is exercise our free will
You know how ****** up the world is
Hell, life has been crueler to you than it has to me
For me, it's just more evident
But that doesn't mean that I can't see your pain
Because I see the main and I want to heal you
I want to make you mine and share the thoughts I've written
I want you more than anything
Because you are the cure
The cure to this misery

Exactly 53 weeks ago
There was a new spark in my life
Representative of growing up and feeling something
And for so long
I stressed about him and me
What we could possibly mean
So for all that time
There was something
And I thought it was keeping me going
Because I though I needed someone to be happy
In retrospect, he's still the person I saw
But now I see the flaws
And I've recognized my delusion
He acted as a distraction from my life
But then my life encompassed him
It hurts to read my prior poems and know it was all him
I don't need a distraction anymore
And he never needed me
It feels like the end of an era
An era I thought would never end
However, somehow I'm content with this ending
Maybe it's not final
It would be better if it wasn't
If I've learned anything
I've learned what to do
And I've learned what not to do
So the next time someone comes around
I won't make the same mistakes
And I will have the ability to have a sense of control
Before today, I needed to be controlled
There was so much wrong with everything about us
I thought it was right because my fear of being alone was greater than you
So now I sit alone
Wondering what will come next
And I hope it's wonderful
Because being with him
Taught me that I am wonderful
And I deserve wonderful
It hurts to know that I thought of him as something greater than what he really was
Now I know
I know that I can be wanted and I can be free
And if I follow my plan
I will be
It's the end of an era
An era that was bittersweet
Listening to folk music and reading reminds me that there are greater things in life
And it's time to channel my ability into something great
I don't know if this era will have a comeback
Maybe not
If this era has taught me anything
It has taught me that
I will be ok

As my dearest friend lays in a hospital bed
She calls me
Because she knows that I can empathize
It's unfortunate
That I'm the medical "go-to"
I know the doctors by name
The nurses by face
The drugs by feeling
I think of her
Laying there
Helpless and alone and frightened
As I once felt
And all I can do
Is provide words to ease the pain
Like the morphine drip she's on
But like the morphine drip
The relief is only temporary
I hate that she has to endure the suffering
I wish I could say
It'll all be okay
But I can't
Because I  know that life isn't always kind
It's tangled string and gum on the sole of a shoe
Hard to undo and it sticks forever
As she lays there
I can only hope
That the drugs drag her into a slumber
One that cannot be disturbed by needles or cat scans
Just a peaceful sleep
I know that won't happen
It never does
It didn't for me
Oh, god
If only I could help
"I know how you feel"
"Be ready for..."
That's all I can say
Because I don't know what's in store
The medical "go-to"
I'd send a balloon
But helium can't cure illness

There's a pattern
With every letter comes a beat
With every sentence
It's like cardiac arrest

It goes to my stomach
My head
Drown it in alcohol
I don't know what will happen next

I'm ready but I'm not
Can I trust you
You know my darkest secrets
Some I which you shared, others forever untold

I don't know what to do
For the first time
Both my brain and my heart
Are clueless

Local government, wretched round, which
everyone claims to care about.

A storm. A virus. Unprovable. they call it “some sort of new device”--
it is nothing new.
Facebook videos condemn the 1 percent, demand that we look up;
I regret not looking up...I know this.

I catch his eye.
There is no complacency; he called it war.
Little boy. He cries to his mother.
He cannot fight the thought.

Catastrophic moments like explosions on an endless row.
“something that tracks us…”
We are not all safe.
Without guidance we crave “more”,
some regret it; we were told desire is fatal.

It swish swirls in
the valley of trees;
his last stroll.

He does not know to
catch the shred of a breeze.
Who knew that moment
would doom us all.

They told me that I was difficult to love
I need someone to say "you have suffered enough" to me
Tell me to turn myself around
Tell me that life has been terrible to me and that I have a choice and a right to make things better
The suffering I've endured is surreal
Simply because at every prior moment to suffering
I thought it couldn't  get any worse
but it does get worse
and it eats away at me
mentally and physically
I am suffering
my head feels like its been pounded against a concrete wall
my eyes can't focus on a single object
my stomach turns because I'm starving and too stressed to eat
I wake up and all I see is fog because my glasses can't be found and my mind's too tired
I become lost in my suffering
lost in my life
scathing acquaintances and hating authority
blaming every ounce of pain on unfortunate circumstances
self victimization
it's disgusting
pain is relative but this is too much
still I step through the darkness
and tipie-toe my way into anything lit
there's nothing there for me
When I say "someone"
it used to mean him
now it means anyone
tell me to turn myself around  because I need to rise up above the morning fog
they told me that I was difficult to love
prove them wrong, someone
anyone

I read to you
My unspoken words
Emotions so personal
Thoughts I've never shared
With anyone ever before
And as I read to you
I use my poetry
To show you how I feel
And when I ask you
"What do you think of it?"
You reply
So thoughtlessly
"I wasn't listening"

when innocence meets death
mourners reside
between unpaved roads
and shallow streets

when innocence meets death
sinister screams;
a mother cries

when innocence meets death
sullen eyes do not tear
terminal mirrors end
upon hallways;
empty;
clear

when innocence meets death
a certain caress
bonds with unknown;
tranquil;
endear

when innocence meets death
sanctity arises;
regretless, whole; no fear

when innocence meets death
he holds it
he breathes;
he understands that death
is not fatal at all.

I promise not to put you on the pedestal
that my parents put me on

I promise to love you unconditionally and accept whoever you are
as my parents didn't

I promise to exceed your expectations and **** myself to make you happy
as my parents don't

I promise to set a reasonable precedent, one that's equal to what we're capable of
as my parents didn't

I promise that you exist because I thought the world would be a better place with you
as my parents selfishly conceived me out of sorrow

I promise to celebrate every birthday with you and bring you breakfast in bed
as my parents left me waiting at school

I promise that I had you tested in the womb to ensure that you're healthy
as my parents didn't, because I'm sick in the head and in the body

I promise to expose you to every continent
as I am confined to this city

I promise to send you to private school only
as my parents sent me to terrible schools

I promise to make sure that you never write a list like this

I promise that I will never break these promises

I promise that your existence means something
as my meaning remains unknown

I promise that you will never feel the daggers I feel, as a result of my parents' negligence

I promise that if you ever feel alone or depressed or left behind or suicidal
I will empathize

Because this pain
is unbearable

And I promise
to NEVER inflict the life I've had
upon an innocent human being

You deserve better
Don't do it, you'll regret it
He's not good for you
He tears you apart
Every time he hurts you you're a wreck

TURN

I think he really likes you
I see him staring at you while you read in class
You're the only one for him, and he's the only one for you
You're both ****** up, but you're two halves of a whole
The two of you have a future

TURN

He doesn't actually "love" you
He's using you
He gets what he wants and then he leaves
You're too good for him
He isn't the "right" person

TURN

It's been a year
We all know that something more is going to happen between the two of you
Do you consider yourselves to be an object?
Would you ever "be" with him
I think you should do it

TURN

What if I'm not ready?
What if the negative people are right and the positives are wrong?
What if I do something stupid and never recover?
Is he another illness?
Is he my savior?
Will I ever know?
If I am ready, what do I do?
Will someone please help me?

RESPONSE

We've helped you
It's all up to the two of you

------------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------------------­--------------

I still don't know what keeps me going
I still don't know what's holding me back
I'm all alone
But there's a distinct possibility that I don't have to be alone

This lack of inspiration is exhausting
because I need to write to feel
and right now I am as emotionless as a lampshade
yet as emotional as a broken hearted hoodlum
this emotional paradox is draining the juice that keeps me running
it is content but it is confusing
the only solvency to this whirlwind of blankness
is unknown
enter into calculator
no solution
this lack of inspiration
a mirror can't even show me who or what or how
the music that enlivens me no longer strikes me as perfection
and it's strange because this darkness isn't dark
it's not light but it's fluctuating
fluctuating like an unsteady heartbeat
and jesus,
I hate religion
what is this feeling of nothing
emotion: blah
it's pathetic
where are the words that used to save me
where is the poem that made me proud of what I had to say
all there is right now
is ranting
and confusion
and **** this because
I can't seem to articulate whatever it is that
I need to say
so **** this

What I'm feeling, will remain unrequited
My feelings still run through my veins and arteries
But this love has not been reciprocated
I don't get what I give, even though I deserve to
This feeling is empty, this feeling is a glass half empty...
a glass half full...
The hope still exists, but to a certain extent, it's hopeless
I will continue to feel the way I do
I don't like being alone in this messy room
I rather be in the comfort of his presence
So when the comfort disappears, my sanity does as well
And that causes this clarity, this sadness, this plethora of thoughts
How can this love be unrequited,
If I feel this genuine state of togetherness, how is it possible that he doesn't as well
One way streets and windy roads meet eventually
Do I hold on to the notion of "eventually"?
Or do I let go of what I want the most?

in my moment of despair
you came to my rescue
to my swollen eyes
and unkept hair
and your timing was perfect
so thank you,
for offering me comfort in the form of food
and thank you for holding my hand
and kissing me like there's no one else on Earth
but I can't forgive you for all the times you've asked
for us to sneak around
because I am wonderful
and you are wonderful
therefore,
we shall be wonderful together

You all treat me poorly
I'm so broken inside
I don't think there's any cure
I've run and practiced yoga
Read and written
Medicated
What else can I do?
You all keep shutting me down
At every word
Every syllable
Every groan
It hurts me to know that I'll look back on my childhood
And resent every cell in your body
If I do move forward
Which I'm not sure I will
I'll never look back at the faces
That said
I was...
...egocentric
...ungrateful
...stupid
...ignorant
...ugly
­...self consumed
I've made a list
Of all the cutting words you've spoken
I'll never look back at your faces
I don't want to see anything that resembles you
Not my extended family
Nor my sister
I don't know if I'll have children
To think of putting a person on Earth
Who could potentially be
As ****** up as me
Would be cruel and unkind and wrong
That poor nonexistent child
They'll have my genes
My parents' genes
Cancerous and dangerous and terrible
It's so wrong
They could be an addict
Like my grandfather and uncle and me
They could be mentally ill
Depression is a mental illness
Right?
I refuse
As I write this
I only see more reasons to never do
What my parents have done to me
The pain that I feel every day
Is the type of pain
That no other human being deserves to feel
Let alone my hypothetical child
Maybe one day I'll find a cure
To this persistent unhappiness
But until life proves
That things can be made ok
Ugh
////////////////
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
UGH


THIS ANGER

I D O N T
K/N/O/W
W/H/A/T
TO DO
A N Y M O R E

I've hit a hall


A concrete wall

My past is not my present
So stop using my past against me