It's wrong
It's unkind
It's you
Everyone knows
Everything
Yet
We pass each other
Like ships in the night
Complete strangers
We're hardly strangers
We've spent hours together alone
Just the two of us
Laying and touching and kissing
But still
We walk past each other
Unacknowledged
That's how I feel
And it's not fair
That less than a week ago
We were together
And here and now
I may as well be invisible
It makes me livid
I stare at your back in class
I want to throw pebbles at your forehead
At the same time
I want to be affectionate
Can I utter a word to you in public
Will my mouth release the words
"Hi"
Be with me
And stop with the *******
Because I know you have a lot on your mind
And none of us are immune to life
I can help
I can be with you
Just say
"Hello"

Kerouac said the only truth was music.
I suppose I agree,

"truth" is elusive
it means zip; no one cares.

the truth is like water between my fingertips,
air in my grasp,
a writer without a tragic backstory that you can probably sympathize with.
sorry.
the truth does not exist

we are here
how's that for elusive

meet me at our place,
at half past twelve.
you were the truest form of contentment.
the darkest form of light.
the secrets that I hide.
but meet me there,
and I will share...
whatever it is you have been wanting for all these years

because isn't that the truth?

*we're just here

27s please
The first pack of Marlboros I bought
To soothe the stress
Ease the pain
My grandmother had died less than 2 months prior because of lung cancer
27s please
All I can think of right now
Addiction
Maybe
I don't want to stop
I want to smoke cigarettes
Drink coffee
But when I go on my nightly run
My lungs can't expand the way they used to
Placebo affect
Probably
I'm only 16

Florida saw a stormy weekend.
Buckets of rain
Poured out of the sky,
We did not yet know
That those pouring buckets over
Our heads,
Were angels.

A short drive away,
49 full souls broke
Into shattered pieces
Of memories and
Laughter.

Safety and security evaporated,
Into the sky,
Among the ascending
Spirits of cut-short lives.

Treacherous storm, Florida,
The sun says hello,
Shortly after its short nap.
The sun woke up and
though its beams pressed on the earth,
things were darker now.

Through the rain,
The sun shined an illuminating
Rainbow,
For 49 empty bodies
To dance on,
To bounce off the colors,
Feel one final breath of air;

Reaching freedom that humanity
for so long refused to grant them.

There's a girl who's in denial
She doesn't know the truth
And doesn't seek to
There's a girl who dreams of cobblestone driveways
And freshly cut sunflowers in a cylindrical vase
She sees not love but reason to love
There's a girl who wants to share her existence with something bigger than herself
She lives by literature and swears by music
And wants the world in her palms, but only upon her own doing
There's a girl who dreams of someone
She can't identify him or his existence
Yet craves him every day
There's a girl who gave herself away
She regrets it everyday
But knows that he formed her
There's a girl who's broken hearted
A girl who deserves the world
Rather than shards of glass and tombstones
But this girl knows
That life is consistent of glass and tombstones
But cobblestone and sunflowers and love too

I have lost my mind
this is not hyperbole

I am suffering

I have lost control
I am in a twister of doubt
I do not know who to call

I am alone
there are no ears at the door
nobody knows to be concerned
I wear armor everyday

My armor does not crack in public
it is hard metal
my tears have remained invisible

yes, believe I am clenching my jaw and my fists
I am holding on for dear life

you told me it was worth living...

barren friendships
love lost
my armor is still on

I sob under my blanket
alone like a child

I do not want you to see my pain

I am afraid to tell you why it hurts

It was spontaneous
Attention: A boy wants to be with me
And I got away with it
Attention: the smart, dainty girl has a summer *******
Time and time again
Attention: Finally there was consistency in my life
It was what I had always hoped for
Attention:
I want attention
I received it
Attention: My father just walked in on me shirtless with a boy
He hid in the closet
Attention: my father is a smart man
My father had a 20 minute conversation
Attention: “Go outside, he and I are going to have a talk”
Mortified
Attention: Stay classy, teens

blades of truth beneath
feet as bare as birth
inhale the soulful wind of
illusions of hope
and step
foot to ground
sigh at the flock, as
it has returned from
redundant seasons
i had hoped that
birds would not
return, as
their unison reminded
me of normalcy
and i am still standing
enclaves of shimmering
possibility become matte
in the light of
what has become
the spiral we call
*life

There were many of us
You sat across from me
And you were all I could look at

From that moment on
I knew
That there was a connection
Like we had known each other forever

Months passed and communication lacked
The connection was clear
But the chemistry
Nonexistent

For months I thought about him
And finally
Finally
Contact was made

It was a moment I’ll never forget
A moment of ecstasy
It’s as if we were the same person
My heart had never felt as elated

We would speak
Then he would stop
And everyday I yearned for that moment
The moment we would speak again

And we did
Cliché aside
My heart fluttered
And then it stopped again

Sometimes I think he broke me
We had fit
Just fit
In my mind at least

Should I give up
Should I just stop
Will he ever give me what I need
Will he ever speak his feelings

How much time does he need
Because I’ve been ready
Ready
Ready to know the truth

I’m sick of this back and forth
Because he is all I want
And if I cant have him
I want to know why

So If I never walked
Into that empty room
It would all be different
And sometimes I wish it was

I know that I love you
more than anything in the world
I dont know if you feel this way too
but if you do
please let me know
because my heart aches at the sight of your face
and i cherish every moment that i spend with you
I also know
that you've been cruel
to my soul
and I know there's something
you know
that I dont
and as you hug
my best friends in the world
i only think
that we're that much more perfect for each other
every night
I lay in bed
hoping
that one night
you'll call my name
and save me
from the agony of your absence

I thought guilt was the most unsettling emotion
Saturated in all of my wrongdoings
Crying because there was no way to mitigate my mistakes

But I was wrong in every sense of the word

A clear conscious and 100 enemies is worse than being guilty
Because right now, I know that I did nothing wrong
I am the victim of malice and injustice

Not even fighting the cruelty bestowed upon me

I came forward because they tell me truth outweighs everything
They were wrong
I'm alone with my thoughts
Independent of my best friend and other friend

All because I made an effort to preserve one's life that I couldn't give a **** about

She hurt me
She made false allegations and nasty rumors
She was the one who deserves to be punished by the world

All I did was tell a higher authority that she was insane
And with an investigation comes evidence
So I provided the evidence that I'm morally obligated to give
And it ****** me over

Because the evidence was contingent on a friendship
The evidence was about two of us
Not one

I don't care how many times they tell me I was right
Because it feels wrong
I'm all alone
And I did nothing wrong

What if this was dystopian Britain;
My droogs and I,
Sipping beverages
At the Korova milk bar,
I viddy a world of chaos

We’re both difficult
We have pasts that we don’t want to talk about
And secrets that cut the wind
Secrets that make us bleed
Because our broken hearts cant clot our poisoned blood
It just keeps rushing out
Like a river
A river that is deep and black
Full of life but the bottom isn’t visible
Like the river
The truth seems too dark so we escape
We escape to nowhere
But no one can escape forever if they aren’t dying
When we return from our escape
Everything is real again
The world is still against us
Your father is still a drug addict
Who hates the world but loves you
Your mother is still dying of cancer
And the sight of her burns your eyes like acid
My father is a callus
Rough and thick and seemingly permanent
My mother is mourner
Forever grieving the death of her brother, who tragically died
And because we understand each other’s pain
We rest in the agony until it becomes unbearable
And even though it’s unbearable
We allow it to perspire because we know that no one else understands the holes in our hears
We’re too difficult
We’re too ****** up and angry
And too smart for the rest of the world
And we know we’re smarter because we essentially beat each night’s jeopardy champion
Like a rushing river, dark and foamy
We’re in everlasting darkness
And although it’s unhealthy to feed off each others’ heartache
We do
Because no one else understands

Disappointment comes with being a human
I can understand the notion of not always getting what I want
Because I'm reasonable and that's life
But time and time again, I find myself begging my parents for things I'll never have
I fall to pieces and they have to glue me back together every five minutes
But they aren't enough
Their comfort isn't enough
The only temporary comfort I can find is a boy who treats me terribly
He uses me and I'm practically an object
But temporary affection is enough to satisfy my everlasting sadness
He's like a pill
An ******
Because I go through withdrawal
And oh my god
When I am disappointed, it feels like withdrawal
Night sweats and vommiting and the chills
I ache terribly and the disappointment keeps hitting me, again and again and again
And when I'm knocked down, I'm too injured to get back on my feet safely
I fall to pieces
I seek irrational, wrong, abusive affection
I write poems that only strangers will read and maybe you'll respond
And if you don't, I might be disappointed, but it wont be anything new

be not what you want to be perceived as
but what you want to accomplish

don't ask for someone to hold your hand
because you have two
so, hold your own

listen to music that elates your soul

go to places that are extraordinary
meet people who open your eyes
and thank them

eat citrus
constantly

do what makes you happy
surround yourself with things that are conducive to your happiness

and if you have a bad past
dont bother looking back

and if this meant nothing to you
dont listen to a word I say

we say
no strings attached
we say
feelings won't get in the way
we say
it's meaningless
but two people
that have engaged
in this type of behavior knows
that feelings do get in the way
that emotions are stirred
and hearts are broken
and love is present
I find myself dumbfounded
when thinking
that I could have ever thought
that I wouldn't love you one day
and now
I just look into your eyes
I say a word or two
we're both confused
it's painful
and stupid
yet
it's the best thing that has ever happened to me

I've done ecstasy.
No, I have not done
Ecstasy,
But I've done you.

I've felt you baby,
You're not here,
But I remember
Ecstasy.

How it hit me quickly,
Heightened my obsession
With you,
Stroking my leg,
Telling me to cheer up,
Treating me the same.

I know ecstasy baby,
It's in the middle of the night.
Silent to everyone but me,
Sirens and cellos:
This music touched me
And I felt it grace my arm.
Goosebumps!

I am surrounded by white
walls, they smell like
cleaning supplies.

An angel sits at a desk,
phones ring,
they sound like chaos.

I have been standing here
for two years.
I still have not approached
the angel.

For two years,
I swore she did not
exist.

Now I am ready
to tell her that
this cannot wait any longer
that I have finally died.

I am terrified at my
broken self.
My soul has been entering
and exiting by body for
days now.

I need to walk up to the
desk.
I need to save myself
from myself.

I knew there
was no god
all along.
And now,
I am gone.

Like evaporation

I go high up

Into the clouds

Then pour down

Onto the ground

As he read my thoughts aloud, he mocked my every word, my every sentence, my every phrase.
He dismissed agony that isn’t curable.
My work of art was destroyed by tone, because apparently, I’m garbage.
I’ve tried so hard for him, but all that history tells me, is that we’ll never think on the same wavelength.
He calls me “self destructive”, a self saboteur, when all the things I want are the same as his.
Like a knife in my heart.
It’s like my soul is being surgically removed from my body.
Because, in his mind, I’m no longer pure or useful.
I’m only a ****** up daughter.
“I’ll always love you” he would say.
I want to ask him if he loves me now.
I’ll always oppose what I see as wrong.
He brought me up to think that my opinions and morals were valid.
And, then sickness entered my life.
I was no longer a child.
I was a sick child.
I am a job,
I am the daughter he has to take to doctor appointments every week, and I cant apologize for that, because it’s not my fault that life was cruel.
I know that I have ****** up.
But, I blame it on my illness.
I cant control an immobile body on the day of an important test.
And, I wont disregard the world that’s calling me.
I’m weak now, because he used the past as a weapon.
I’m weak because my heart has heart for the past five years.
I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to his expectations.
But, I’m sadder that he can’t accept the person I’ve become.
I have a voice, the voice he told me to use.
And that voice refuses to put up with his *******.

First tug
First kiss
First this
First that
First love
First obsession
First everything
First nothing

This lack of inspiration is exhausting
because I need to write to feel
and right now I am as emotionless as a lampshade
yet as emotional as a broken hearted hoodlum
this emotional paradox is draining the juice that keeps me running
it is content but it is confusing
the only solvency to this whirlwind of blankness
is unknown
enter into calculator
no solution
this lack of inspiration
a mirror can't even show me who or what or how
the music that enlivens me no longer strikes me as perfection
and it's strange because this darkness isn't dark
it's not light but it's fluctuating
fluctuating like an unsteady heartbeat
and jesus,
I hate religion
what is this feeling of nothing
emotion: blah
it's pathetic
where are the words that used to save me
where is the poem that made me proud of what I had to say
all there is right now
is ranting
and confusion
and **** this because
I can't seem to articulate whatever it is that
I need to say
so **** this

getting over him was seemingly
never an option

love does not disappear,
love haunts you

love is the source of inexplainable flashbacks to nights that were simpler

us ending...we never ended
in my mind, you are alive
I can see the dimples reflecting the saddest smile
your smell is present at bougey department stores
I am never alone

but our love hibernated
nearly a year ago
yet I am holding onto memories of simpler nights
and embraces of comfort and affection

moving away did not rid me of your existence
you are always here

I am not angry that you have not yet left my mind
but I am angry that you refused to remain by my side

getting over you was a stupid thought

you will always be here

just another day
that i'll marinate in the pain
that brings me all this heartache
and no matter what
i'm still a **** up
i'm still another disaster
so i'll marinate
in the savory tears
that won't stop rolling down my face
so i'll marinate in your voice
your horrible words
your careless face
so i'll marinate in the smell
of my mother's food
that I wont eat
because i dont want to be nourished
and I question if i want to live
i'll marinate in the grievances that i've listed time and time again
i'll continue to live this life
that i hate so much
that i question every day
and sometimes
the only thing that keeps me holding on
are the words of a singer who doesnt know that i exist
sometimes the only thing that keeps me holding on is him
but he's farther away every day
and i've loosened my grip
because it feels like someone is punching me from inside out
and the pain in my brain hurts so much
that i want to stab myself with an edge so sharp that this punching feeling
wont feel like anything
I hate myself
i hate everything that i am
i dont want to be here anymore
in this sea of fakeness
i want to be with people who understand
i want to rewind three months
but that's not possible so what's the point
**** my life
there are people who love me
and i wish
that i could love myself as much as they do
but no one understands that my lack of a mask is masking
my anger and despair and angst
that kills me more and more every day
that makes me want to take 50 pills instead
of the 1 that i'm prescribed
someone take me away
to a place where the broken souls go
everything I am is too shattered
there's no putting me back together
these shards of glass
have fallen so hard
that they can never be pieced together again

He asked me if I looked at him differently
If our being together had transformed my image of him
I couldn't respond
Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know the answer
Had hazy nights fogged memories prior to "us"
Even if those nights fogged memories of us, I wouldn't want to remember
He asked me if I looked at him differently
Before he was another head in the hallway
Another peek in the door creak
Another this or that
It isn't about him being different
It's me
Noticing all of the imperfections and perfections that he always had
As I hear the wind rush, I feel pathetic for thinking of him rather than myself
There are periods of darkness when it's me alone with my thoughts
But my thoughts
Are consistent of him
I don't look at him differently, I see him differently
I see the black holes in his pupils, kaleidoscopic thoughts and sentences and ideas
I see greatness in his walk, as if it's down a busy street
I see his face, soft, the kind of soft that makes you want to crawl into yourself forever
I see the pain in his eyes
Before it was mere darkness and yes, I look at him differently
Because the darkness has meaning
It means that words perceived as malicious were merely words reflective of
"I don't care"s and "You'l never understand"s
And I don't
He asked me if I look at him differently
How could I not?
Now I know what's beneath everything he wears
The smirk on his face, the raising of his eyebrows, his shirt...
I do look at him differently because he is no longer "someone"
He is HIM
He is my thoughts and my ideas and excuse the melodrama, but he is everything
And on days when I don't see him
There are no ideas
There are no thoughts
If I weren't to look at him differently
I wouldn't know what late night drives along the ocean would mean
I wouldn't know what feeling wholesome felt like
I wouldn't know what I want
He asked me if I looked at him differently
And today he asked again
Except today it was teasing and condescending
I'll always look at him differently

I feel closer to the world that lays beneath my fingertips
than I do to the world outside my door
because here I can say
whatever it is that's on my mind
and I know there will always be someone
by my side
even if we're miles apart

Her mind is troubled and her thoughts are blurred
nights of endless crying
nights of despair
nights when life didn't seem worth living

You could never tell that beneath her "put-togetherness"
was a girl
who couldn't be in further disarray

She questions love and all that it means
her self worth hasn't been quantified
and the concept of love is foreign yet it lays beneath the fingertips
that type away at the one
who brings her the utmost happiness

Here is a girl that is broken
here is a girl that wants to believe that one day
things will be better

but life is unfair
and she has yet to have a moment of clarity
the moment of clarity that facilitates a purpose
and things are weary and unclear
so she keeps asking her self
"why?"

Here is a girl
who is the epitome of empathy
and the center of love

however, she has yet to receive
any sense of reciprocity
and until the reciprocity exists,
the world will remain to be nothing but an empty plane

Here is a girl
that has fallen to pieces
only to bring herself back together
again
and again
and again

Here is a girl
who has creativity at her fingertips,
but she needs more love, so that her creativity
can become the magic that it has always meant to be

Here is a girl
that has loved herself
and hated herself
and has endured more suffering than anything imaginable

Here is a girl
that represents suffering
that represents strength
that represents
a reason for tomorrow

i always told you that manners matter
i condemned you when you wouldn't hold the door open for me
i've realized that while i was parked in a spot that was already taken
i was driving over you
from then on your heart was broken
i was confused
then we did what we always do
kiss, love, whatever
god, i hate you
god, i love you
today, you held the door open for me
and that made all the difference in the world

I lay here in my bed
In the house that I've lived in
For my entire life
Yet I'm not at home

My sister and parents reside here with me
But I may as well be living with a dog and a cat
No...
Living with a dog and a cat sounds far more appealingn

I've only visited one place
That has felt like a home to me
Where people who I lived with
Understood the pain, the happiness, the mentality

We were a perfect community
None of us had ever had a safe haven
We were all lost and suddenly felt found
And there were nights when we wanted to be in our beds

But as I lay here
I cannot believe the stupidity of the notion of my house
Because here, things aren't good
I'm too high
I'm too low
There is no inbetween

My music is considered to be strange where I live
Where at home we all sang the songs that burned in our hearts
The melodies that depicted all the emotions we couldn't express
Because we understood each other

Here my work is laughed at
No one knows how I express myself
At home, we would read each other stories of our childhood
Or letters written to our dead family members
Or fictional tales that we wished to be true
And we thought nothing of it, because, we were home

And it's been nearly a month
Since I've seen my real siblings
Since we've sung and read and laughed and cried
I dont know how I'm going to survive at my house
I want to be home
I NEED to be home

How does the world expect me
To be entirely put together
When I'm so broken
I'm not a pristine mirror
I don't reflect the beauty of the world
I'm shards of glass
That tear human flesh
I reflect only pieces of the world
And the pieces I reflect
Are uneven and sharp and dangerous
I wear a perfectly tailored suit
But my mind looks like an untamed jungle
My heart feels like torn tissue
My heart looks like an emboldened question mark
So why am I viewed as the girl
Who knows everything
Who has it all figured out
I know what I want
I don't know how to get there

i am poetry
i am the figurative language English teachers aim to disect
i am the metaphor within the metaphor within the simile
i demand commas and semicolons because no sentence should only have a period
i am the body of language that people seek to understand
i do not need to be understood
you can check your dictionary
understand my anecdotal properties
see how many stanzas there are
i am poetry because i make no sense
these are words
the purest language yet impossible to understand
i am poetry because i can listen to the sound of the wind
i can speak volumes without speaking
i am poetry though i am not always fluid
but rhythm is not essential and forced thoughts do not matter
i am poetry because i want to be understood
but there is no clear meaning
there is no clear cut
evaluate me as you may
interpret what you will
i am poetry and i will live on

wean me off of consumerism's
cure to my chemical chaos
\\\\\\\\\\
dim the lights
i am still awake

this ride is no longer free
you are suffocating
\\\\\\\\\\
i am still awake

swollen eyes
hidden motives and one week later
i am in the same bed
with the same fears
in the same solitude
that brought me here
\\\\\\\\\\\

weakness:
no longer a choice
seemingly the only form of vitality
somehow.
i am still awake

\
children::
i cannot hear you
this silence is screeching
your voices are lost

parents:
you always said you could not save me
i do not remember agreeing to believe it
i lay here and i believe it

parents:
would you have changed anything
somehow.
i am still awake

parents:
this is torture.
i am still awake


parents:
do you care?
i am paralyzed in my silhouette
i do not know how
i am still awake

parents:
you never listened.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\­\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

children:­
i can hear you
you are liberation

children:
i finally woke up

Your standards of morality are so rigid and so orthodox that they're immoral
Because in the end, nothing matters
No one is being hurt
Right and wrong don't matter at the point where they have no impact
I need to live and breathe rather than think profusely and be condemned for my every action
Because everything I do is flawed in your mind
And I don't know what to do anymore
Because we'll never see eye to eye
And my rationale is "wrong" in your mind
And your views are obscene and impossible
Let me live a life where I can act like a child without being imprisoned
Because I am imprisoned by my thoughts
The thoughts that are seen as ridiculous
And you can continue to think of be
as an irrational
self consumed
psychotic
suicidal
thoughtless
cold
human being who cares about nothing but myself

because all I see is IGNORANCE
minds that are satisfied
with being uniformed
where has the world gone
where is the CURIOSITY
where are the children
pledging to make the world a better place
because all I see
are PRETENTIOUS photographs
and empty thoughts
where are the questions
why is it acceptable to know nothing
society
i hate the thought of
a culture
a culture that is OBSCENE
a society that should be
ASHAMED of its wrongdoings
a society that should present
WORLD HUNGER as an actual problem
a society that should take ACTION
rather than sit by
as if people aren't dying as the minutes pass
and every grain in the hourglass
represents a STORY
stories that aren't told
all because society
is too IGNORANT
to care

head to pillow
heart asleep
my eyes: exhausted
for insomnia has taken my mind
endless sleep on morning's light
yet night never takes me

irritated eyes
I toss and I turn
I beg to fall into slumber
my head does not stop moving
but then it halts
halts into the most obscure position
halts into; "why am I thinking about this"?

insomnia, it is 2015
your existence is as old as time
but instant streaming is new, and I'm not alone with my thoughts
in fact...
I believe my literary repertoire is built off insomnia...

let me sleep now for rested sounds peaceful
2:00am poems never bothered me
and music sounds better when no one is awake

but please, let me sleep
allow me to loll into drowsiness
I am telling you I am tired

2mg of Klonopin...still restless
2 boxes of chocolate...still broken

Insomnia, you are an illness
but please have mercy on my sanity
for I am losing it,
and yearn to merely breathe

Here is a jumbo sized "*******" to my ******
Three years, countless breakdowns, a broken person, and one friend request later...
Here we are
Social media is deliberate, you adding me was deliberate
Do you know you are a ******?
I did not consent to you on that eerie February night
I will not consent to your friend request today
I ask you; what could you make out of seeing my profile?
You have already violated by insides, you have violated my heart, my mind, my body
Do not seek a response from me, I have myself to take care of
When I saw your name, I was surprised I did not cry
Animalistic and intentional, all I can think is "how dare you"
Actively "add friend", *******
I am at a loss for words
I am incapable of rationalizing this
Who do you think you are?
Stare at my profile picture now,
My eyes are sadder
My smile less pure
My demeanor more awkward
all resulting from the night you were a bandit
the night you stole me
stare at my picture and figure out who I am now
I certainly won't look at yours

you made it a point to speak my name
to utter the 4 syllables
you were thinking of me
in your drunken state
flattery is all i feel
because to know that your unfiltered thoughts are inclusive of me
is to know that i am not alone
and that i mean something
so thank you
for sipping so much
that your mind couldn't function
it was functioning all along

I've always said that I don't need perfection
I need affection
Someone needs to invalidate my insecurities
They sting me and I hide them deep beneath skin
So deep that no one can seek them or sense them or touch them
I often ask myself why I don't have an official companion
A person who can love me and give me affection and make me happy
It sounds stupid because a lover doesn't make one happy
But I feel like I've crossed out every other thing on the list
Introspection?
They tell me I need to understand what and why and how
However the mere fact that I have thousands of words depicting my every emotion
Should mitigate this false sense of intelligence that a therapist has
I don't need someone to bring me flowers
Or chocolates or stuffed animals
I don't need to be given the world because I can get that on my own
But I do need someone to hug me and kiss me the way you do...when we're alone
And then I need that same person to be able to effectively communicate with me
I need them to understand the notion and the implications of a relationship
And I need them to be fully committed to making me a better person
And me making them a better person
Because once all of that happens, all I'll need is for them to love me
Love me
The real me
The person who is blunt and blatantly obvious
The person who can capture a room with intelligence
The person who hates the evils in the world
The person who doesn't believe in god
The person who cares about other people but has trouble showing it
The person who works for everything
The person who has suffered enough
The person who wants to be loved by you
And in some sense
It's been established that you can't love me
Simply because you don't
And that's fine even though it pains me deeply
But if it can't be you
And you not caring for me is true
Someone needs to sweep me away and love me for me
Because I believe in human nature and I also believe in Darwinism
But when it comes to me
Human nature and Darwinism are contradictory
Because human nature would be the act of two people loving each other for the sake of loving each other and wanting to be together
But Darwinism says that my genes are too weak to compete in the gene pool
Therefore it is difficult for one to seek my affection
Because it subliminally implies that we're seeking "a mate"
And I wouldn't be a good mate
A) because I have a chronic illness
B) I'm batshit crazy
So I don't even know what to do at this point
Maybe I was designed as a solo
Rather than a duet
That happens
It's a possibility
A horrible one
But the most hurtful thing right now
Is the idea that you may not love me
And you never will

Complacent with regret
things i should've done
          places i should've seen
people i should've spoken to
     dinner i should've eaten
           medicine i should've taken
shirts i should've worn
     friends i should've spoken to
pain i should've addressed
          lips i should've kissed back
dreams i should've followed
     tattoos i should've designed
shoes i should've walked in
          poetry i should've written

I thought I could forget
But I can't
You're engrained into my every thought
My every motion
I thought I could forget our silly beginning and our abrupt ending
But all I can think about is what we could have been
To think that I spent time thinking about someone else
While you wanted nothing more than me
Is to validate my stupidity
There's nothing like us
There are no two people who understand each other without words
I need you
I think I love you
And I hope it's not too late

ever since you saw me in that light
i know the sight of me has been unbearable
and although we've tried to talk it through
and reconcile and forget
we still can't get over the fact that what happened happened
and i'm sorry for disappointing you
because all i've ever wanted is your approval
but now that i've grown up
and formed my own opinions
our minds clash and we can't agree
and every argument ends in threats and words of hate
i will not change who i am
you will not condition me to not be me

I've felt these chills
I've felt these aches
I've felt the burning
And I shake
For I've never felt this
All at once
So suddenly
So brutally
Incomprehensible
The trauma by body has endured
The sleepless nights and
Thousands of pills
And dreams of blood and spite
So here I sit in the light of a
Broken chandelier
With my esophagus burning
And my stomach churning
And my head pounding
Pounding like a heavy lock on an
Expensive door
An expensive door to an
Enormous house
Where no one can hear my screams
My moans
My "I can't do this"s and my
Shrieks of angst
And for what
For what
For love?
For happiness?
For purpose?
I haven't smiled in five years
And I can't recollect a pleasant day
A day when nothing mattered
A day when a day was just a day
But here my stomach cries again
And again the gurgles and cracking
And the unfathomable pain
But it's not unfathomable
Because I've felt it all before

I worry that the only reason I have to write is because no one will listen to me
I can't leak my thoughts to my psychologist or psychiatrist or parent because I know that my words aren't safe and that legality triumphs anything I say
I know that I'm like lava at its boiling point, about to erupt
I know that I'm self destructive and that things are only getting worse
I have so much to say, maybe if I told the entirety of the truth, I could be helped
But I fear the corrupt system too much
And I don't want to say anything to my parents because they have watched my prolonged mental distress and they have seen my breakdowns and hysterical fits and they've heard my screams
I've been medicated
SSRIs and Xanax and Ativan and Prozac and Klonopin and Lexapro
I've spent hours in a therapist's office, only to censor my life and hear a psychology major regurgitate everything I already know
I can't stand it anymore
I want to be high on **** forever and laugh at nothingness
I want to be drunk to the point where I forget that life is even a thing
I want to kiss his lips and touch him every moment of the day because I'd feel loved even if I wasn't
I hate what has happened
I hate what is happening
I hate that I've changed
I hate how hard I try because the payoff never seems to pay off
And that I try to keep changing but everything isn't enough and everything won't ever cut it
I don't know what to do
I need endorphins and serotonin and beta-blockers and benzos
I need to know that this isn't a never ending cycle
I need to know that what I'm feeling is temporary and that this isn't what my life will be like
I need to tell my therapist and my doctor and my psychiatrist that I don't know what to do anymore and that the thoughts that control me are no longer bearable because I know that I want to live
I know however, that if I say the wrong thing, my words will be reported to DCFS and I could be baker acted and I don't want that to happen
So all I have in the end are my thoughts, killing me inside every moment of everyday
Tearing me apart like my lungs can no longer expand
Like my heart can no longer pump
Because my mind controls everything, and everything is in flames