Lighter days, do not lie to me
Contentment is kind and I wish for it to remain
Lighter days, you often fool me
I am not one for love letters, but Lighter Days...
fill me with hope
remind me on dewey fields, breezy mornings, and coffee at dawn
Lighter days, you are my savior
Through the darkness I remain entangled in, I know there is another path
Sweet symphonies are nourishing
I have heard the music
I do not want to stop listening
Lighter days, you are "lighter"
Lighter than the dark
I am still here, complicatedness and pain are still here
Continue to remind me that the operative is "lighter"
and that one day, my "lighter days" will soon be free

First tug
First kiss
First this
First that
First love
First obsession
First everything
First nothing

Starting right here, I want to remember your smile
Your glistening teeth, full lips, and freckles
I want to remember the feeling of our fingers touching
The comfort that came with your presence

I want to remember the time we were partners
When we stayed up the entire night to perfect our work
I miss the feeling of being wanted by you
We’re so close geographically but it’s impossible to see each other

It’s my hope that one day, we will excel together
We will remember the days we spent together as children
We will remember growing through the hardest of times with each other by our side
We will continue to grow, and be, and stay

This world seems to cruel
For there to be a god

I don't believe anything
That the old testament has to say

The words that once led me in life
Are nothing but rhetoric

Because religion is ambiguous
And everything it has to offer is twisted

My religion is the feeling of success
It's the music that never escapes my mind

It's Bob Dylan's songs
Allen Ginsberg's poems

My religion is your touch
The friends by my side

I refuse to have religion imposed on me
I will not have my first amendment rights infringed upon

I will not say candles are holy
Just because my deceased grandmother believed so

I am a person
I am not a religion

There are untouched moments
Of porcelain faces and priceless youth
Moments that reflect our faces as children--

Faces that sing nothing but clarity
Clarity that is unimaginable,

Because our minds have been tarnished by the generation that we've become
The sadness of that perfect moment

The moment that cannot be replicated until we watch our own children

Shuffling through these boxes of memories
Makes me wonder who I've become
Because I was happy and happy was all there was

Yet today, happiness does not seem possible
Not the happiness that our infant faces reflected

There are moments
Moments that have been captured
Moments that make me remember that one day, I will smile again
And when I smile, I will be genuinely happy
Because I want to be

In the past year,
I've taken an unquantifiable amount of photographs
Yet none of them capture the moment that I speak of

This unexplainable moment
The pain and joy that fills my chest when I look at myself as a child and wonder,

What happened to me?
When did this happen to me?
And then I ask myself--
Why can't I remember the long days of fairy tales and lemonade stands?

Goals I've set
have been met
in order to get what I want
And as soon as I can have it
It dies
Literally
Poetry, "literally"
As soon as it's at my fingertips
It goes away
As if it hadn't been waiting
For an entire year

When I saw your face
I was astonished by your presence
Surprised and confused and angry
I devoted a year of my life
Thinking about the possibility of "us"
You showed me that the possibility of us
Simply didn't exist
So I went on to someone else
Someone who has filled my life with passion
Someone whose presence encourages me to put on makeup in the morning
Someone who I have liked for so long
And tonight
You and him were face to face
It was the battle
That had always existed but never begun
You hugged me
To make him feel jealous
So thank you
Because five minutes later
He grabbed me
We embarked on a walk
Once again he said
"Why are you always so sad?"
Then he grabbed my face
Kissed it gently
Then more passionately
Suddenly we were on the ground
You get the gist
Long story short
Had it not been for you
I would have never loved him
I never thought I would say  this
But thank you
Because I am so in love with thought of a different "us"

be not what you want to be perceived as
but what you want to accomplish

don't ask for someone to hold your hand
because you have two
so, hold your own

listen to music that elates your soul

go to places that are extraordinary
meet people who open your eyes
and thank them

eat citrus
constantly

do what makes you happy
surround yourself with things that are conducive to your happiness

and if you have a bad past
dont bother looking back

and if this meant nothing to you
dont listen to a word I say

I'm all alone. And it's not because I've pushed people away, because I have made it a goal to bring people closer. But my sister and mother will drive away and not invite me to be with them because I am too mean. I'm too selfish and delusional, and psychotic to participate in normal human interaction...or at least that's what they've told me. "Go complain to your therapist." "You're stupid." "You're ungrateful." I've heard it all. And this low is so ******* low, that I don't know if I'll ever go back up. My mom told me to lock the door behind me. I didn't. I didn't lock it because I don't care if a ****** or murderer walks in. Let them hurt me, it's hard to believe that I could be in more pain than I'm in right now. But that's stupid, because each day that I live proves that further pain does exist. No one want me. No one wants to be with me. I want to escape into bottles of alcohol and **** and pills, but I can't, because my ***** of a mother drug tests me. I can't begin to explain how ****** up I am. I can't begin to explain the everlasting agony that burn in my heart. My family, they're gone. I'm nothing to them. And I thought that there was one person worth living for, because I'm in complete and total love. But the love is unrequited, unreciprocated, and empty. So what more is there? How much harder can I try? I can't.

you made it a point to speak my name
to utter the 4 syllables
you were thinking of me
in your drunken state
flattery is all i feel
because to know that your unfiltered thoughts are inclusive of me
is to know that i am not alone
and that i mean something
so thank you
for sipping so much
that your mind couldn't function
it was functioning all along

Lolled into slumber
The leather of my headphones hug my tired ears
My eyes can't focus anymore
I hear notes and words and melodies
Lolled into slumber
I know that I'll finally be at peace
Alone
Finally away from everything I hate
And everything I love
Lolled into slumber
I'm thankful
Thankful that I made it through
Lolled into slumber
I wonder what I'll dream of
Sometimes I pray that I'll dream of the perfect future
Other times I pray that I'll dream of the man I once loved
Lolled into slumber
I don't want to sleep
Because with sleep comes the commitment to wake up
And I don't want to commit to that
Because REM is so much better than whatever comes my way
Lolled into slumber
I can't control anything
And I need to control things
Lolled into slumber
But I turn the lights on and go berserk
I start reading and researching and cutting and pasting and eating and not eating and it's a mess
Lolled into slumber
I stare at the screen of my phone
Hopeful that I'll receive a text that will change something
Lolled into slumber
I have no choice but to fall asleep

ever since you saw me in that light
i know the sight of me has been unbearable
and although we've tried to talk it through
and reconcile and forget
we still can't get over the fact that what happened happened
and i'm sorry for disappointing you
because all i've ever wanted is your approval
but now that i've grown up
and formed my own opinions
our minds clash and we can't agree
and every argument ends in threats and words of hate
i will not change who i am
you will not condition me to not be me

Aside from myself
Time is my devious enemy
Tricking me into
Believing that things will happen
At 2:20
I thought it would happen
But oh no
Time couldn't reason
With the thought of my happiness
Time punches me in the face
I fall to the ground
And
THUMP
Five more punches
Before I've even had the TIME
To stand up
After the initial punch
And as my knees are bending
My legs thrusting
My body upward into stance
Time stabs me
And I bleed
I bleed every blood cell
Each cell
Is a secret
But time wounded me
And made everything pour out
Time drained my body
And replaced it with blood that wasn't mine
So time
Once again
Has changed me

More time spent on you
precious time with my best friend
$PENT on YOU
You horribly perfect being
What am I saying?
I love you more than I ever thought someone could love another human being
I want to stargaze with you and eat donuts late at night
I want to be in your bed and cuddle for days
BECAUSE WE CAN
You've controlled me for so long now
Does your power over me make you love me less?
Has my unconditional affection somehow deterred you?

Please
Tell me what I can do

People tell me that together we're ridiculous and that it's sick
But we both know sick
and this isn't sick

This is right

__________________­_________

I dont know how to put my love for you any other way besides this poem
because right now you're probably ******* to pictures of her as I sit here wondering if I'll ever touch you again

Please see me
recognize me
love me








LOVE ME

I know that its hard for you because you've been through so much
but right now you seem to be the solution to all of my problems
and the remedy to my distress
dont love me less than you love her because I AM HERE for you
and I am RIGHT

LOVE ME

Love me half as much as I love you

I see the suffering in your eyes
the happiness in your smile

Im confused beyond confusion and the only thing blurring my thoughts is you

Send me a message
-verbal
-physical

ANYTHING

any form of "I want to be with you" will do
because I WANT TO BE WITH YOU
despite the inconveniences and unpleasantries you may cause me

Love me

just another day
that i'll marinate in the pain
that brings me all this heartache
and no matter what
i'm still a **** up
i'm still another disaster
so i'll marinate
in the savory tears
that won't stop rolling down my face
so i'll marinate in your voice
your horrible words
your careless face
so i'll marinate in the smell
of my mother's food
that I wont eat
because i dont want to be nourished
and I question if i want to live
i'll marinate in the grievances that i've listed time and time again
i'll continue to live this life
that i hate so much
that i question every day
and sometimes
the only thing that keeps me holding on
are the words of a singer who doesnt know that i exist
sometimes the only thing that keeps me holding on is him
but he's farther away every day
and i've loosened my grip
because it feels like someone is punching me from inside out
and the pain in my brain hurts so much
that i want to stab myself with an edge so sharp that this punching feeling
wont feel like anything
I hate myself
i hate everything that i am
i dont want to be here anymore
in this sea of fakeness
i want to be with people who understand
i want to rewind three months
but that's not possible so what's the point
**** my life
there are people who love me
and i wish
that i could love myself as much as they do
but no one understands that my lack of a mask is masking
my anger and despair and angst
that kills me more and more every day
that makes me want to take 50 pills instead
of the 1 that i'm prescribed
someone take me away
to a place where the broken souls go
everything I am is too shattered
there's no putting me back together
these shards of glass
have fallen so hard
that they can never be pieced together again

Exactly 53 weeks ago
There was a new spark in my life
Representative of growing up and feeling something
And for so long
I stressed about him and me
What we could possibly mean
So for all that time
There was something
And I thought it was keeping me going
Because I though I needed someone to be happy
In retrospect, he's still the person I saw
But now I see the flaws
And I've recognized my delusion
He acted as a distraction from my life
But then my life encompassed him
It hurts to read my prior poems and know it was all him
I don't need a distraction anymore
And he never needed me
It feels like the end of an era
An era I thought would never end
However, somehow I'm content with this ending
Maybe it's not final
It would be better if it wasn't
If I've learned anything
I've learned what to do
And I've learned what not to do
So the next time someone comes around
I won't make the same mistakes
And I will have the ability to have a sense of control
Before today, I needed to be controlled
There was so much wrong with everything about us
I thought it was right because my fear of being alone was greater than you
So now I sit alone
Wondering what will come next
And I hope it's wonderful
Because being with him
Taught me that I am wonderful
And I deserve wonderful
It hurts to know that I thought of him as something greater than what he really was
Now I know
I know that I can be wanted and I can be free
And if I follow my plan
I will be
It's the end of an era
An era that was bittersweet
Listening to folk music and reading reminds me that there are greater things in life
And it's time to channel my ability into something great
I don't know if this era will have a comeback
Maybe not
If this era has taught me anything
It has taught me that
I will be ok

You tell me to lock the car doors because we're in a bad neighborhood
I don't
Because perhaps something bad will happen
Maybe I'll be taken away and tortured
But it seems impossible that anywhere is worse than here
I don't turn on the alarm anymore
I feel unsafe regardless, so what's the point
You tell me to lock all the doors
Except the lock to my soul and emotions and thoughts
But I've already locked that door and disposed of its single key

As tears fall down my swollen eyes
My instinct is to call you
To ask you to save me,
because you're the only one who can
You can mend my brokenness
Your kiss, your smell, your embrace
All of you, reminds me
That there is something worth living for
And you remind me that life is ****** up and the only thing we can do is exercise our free will
You know how ****** up the world is
Hell, life has been crueler to you than it has to me
For me, it's just more evident
But that doesn't mean that I can't see your pain
Because I see the main and I want to heal you
I want to make you mine and share the thoughts I've written
I want you more than anything
Because you are the cure
The cure to this misery

You all treat me poorly
I'm so broken inside
I don't think there's any cure
I've run and practiced yoga
Read and written
Medicated
What else can I do?
You all keep shutting me down
At every word
Every syllable
Every groan
It hurts me to know that I'll look back on my childhood
And resent every cell in your body
If I do move forward
Which I'm not sure I will
I'll never look back at the faces
That said
I was...
...egocentric
...ungrateful
...stupid
...ignorant
...ugly
­...self consumed
I've made a list
Of all the cutting words you've spoken
I'll never look back at your faces
I don't want to see anything that resembles you
Not my extended family
Nor my sister
I don't know if I'll have children
To think of putting a person on Earth
Who could potentially be
As ****** up as me
Would be cruel and unkind and wrong
That poor nonexistent child
They'll have my genes
My parents' genes
Cancerous and dangerous and terrible
It's so wrong
They could be an addict
Like my grandfather and uncle and me
They could be mentally ill
Depression is a mental illness
Right?
I refuse
As I write this
I only see more reasons to never do
What my parents have done to me
The pain that I feel every day
Is the type of pain
That no other human being deserves to feel
Let alone my hypothetical child
Maybe one day I'll find a cure
To this persistent unhappiness
But until life proves
That things can be made ok
Ugh
////////////////
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
UGH


THIS ANGER

I D O N T
K/N/O/W
W/H/A/T
TO DO
A N Y M O R E

I've hit a hall


A concrete wall

As he read my thoughts aloud, he mocked my every word, my every sentence, my every phrase.
He dismissed agony that isn’t curable.
My work of art was destroyed by tone, because apparently, I’m garbage.
I’ve tried so hard for him, but all that history tells me, is that we’ll never think on the same wavelength.
He calls me “self destructive”, a self saboteur, when all the things I want are the same as his.
Like a knife in my heart.
It’s like my soul is being surgically removed from my body.
Because, in his mind, I’m no longer pure or useful.
I’m only a ****** up daughter.
“I’ll always love you” he would say.
I want to ask him if he loves me now.
I’ll always oppose what I see as wrong.
He brought me up to think that my opinions and morals were valid.
And, then sickness entered my life.
I was no longer a child.
I was a sick child.
I am a job,
I am the daughter he has to take to doctor appointments every week, and I cant apologize for that, because it’s not my fault that life was cruel.
I know that I have ****** up.
But, I blame it on my illness.
I cant control an immobile body on the day of an important test.
And, I wont disregard the world that’s calling me.
I’m weak now, because he used the past as a weapon.
I’m weak because my heart has heart for the past five years.
I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to his expectations.
But, I’m sadder that he can’t accept the person I’ve become.
I have a voice, the voice he told me to use.
And that voice refuses to put up with his *******.

It's not sadness anymore
It's shame
I thought that I could change things
That I could change things about myself
But people never change and I know that
I know that because at the tick of midnight he was nowhere to be found
And when I found him, his lips were pressed against someone else's lips
I'm the idiot
I was with him the night before
I know who he is and how he acts and I am at fault because people are incapable of change
This isn't sadness, it's shame
Shame in the failure that no one knows about
Shame in the fact that after 15 months, he still doesn't love me back
Shameful that although I believe I have become a better person, no one else has
I need to save me from myself before I **** up again
Things are ****** right now, despite the fact that 48 hours ago
I was happy and content and at peace for the first time in a long time
I wish that the first day of the new year hadn't ended the way it did
Because last year was treacherous and if tonight has set a precedent for the new year, I'm done
I will be done trying and fighting for the things and people I want

I know that I love you
more than anything in the world
I dont know if you feel this way too
but if you do
please let me know
because my heart aches at the sight of your face
and i cherish every moment that i spend with you
I also know
that you've been cruel
to my soul
and I know there's something
you know
that I dont
and as you hug
my best friends in the world
i only think
that we're that much more perfect for each other
every night
I lay in bed
hoping
that one night
you'll call my name
and save me
from the agony of your absence

We’re both difficult
We have pasts that we don’t want to talk about
And secrets that cut the wind
Secrets that make us bleed
Because our broken hearts cant clot our poisoned blood
It just keeps rushing out
Like a river
A river that is deep and black
Full of life but the bottom isn’t visible
Like the river
The truth seems too dark so we escape
We escape to nowhere
But no one can escape forever if they aren’t dying
When we return from our escape
Everything is real again
The world is still against us
Your father is still a drug addict
Who hates the world but loves you
Your mother is still dying of cancer
And the sight of her burns your eyes like acid
My father is a callus
Rough and thick and seemingly permanent
My mother is mourner
Forever grieving the death of her brother, who tragically died
And because we understand each other’s pain
We rest in the agony until it becomes unbearable
And even though it’s unbearable
We allow it to perspire because we know that no one else understands the holes in our hears
We’re too difficult
We’re too ****** up and angry
And too smart for the rest of the world
And we know we’re smarter because we essentially beat each night’s jeopardy champion
Like a rushing river, dark and foamy
We’re in everlasting darkness
And although it’s unhealthy to feed off each others’ heartache
We do
Because no one else understands

Complacent with regret
things i should've done
          places i should've seen
people i should've spoken to
     dinner i should've eaten
           medicine i should've taken
shirts i should've worn
     friends i should've spoken to
pain i should've addressed
          lips i should've kissed back
dreams i should've followed
     tattoos i should've designed
shoes i should've walked in
          poetry i should've written

This lack of inspiration is exhausting
because I need to write to feel
and right now I am as emotionless as a lampshade
yet as emotional as a broken hearted hoodlum
this emotional paradox is draining the juice that keeps me running
it is content but it is confusing
the only solvency to this whirlwind of blankness
is unknown
enter into calculator
no solution
this lack of inspiration
a mirror can't even show me who or what or how
the music that enlivens me no longer strikes me as perfection
and it's strange because this darkness isn't dark
it's not light but it's fluctuating
fluctuating like an unsteady heartbeat
and jesus,
I hate religion
what is this feeling of nothing
emotion: blah
it's pathetic
where are the words that used to save me
where is the poem that made me proud of what I had to say
all there is right now
is ranting
and confusion
and **** this because
I can't seem to articulate whatever it is that
I need to say
so **** this

I'd like to settle
On fecund land
Grow tomatoes
Write about my life
The life I've hardly lived
But still
Can't there just be a house
With a coffee machine
Some books
Fields of lavender
Plains of grain
I never want to leave
That nonexistent land
I want to lay
In a fecund field
With one person
With you
Talk about us
And ignore everything else
Although it's unrealistic
I'd like it
Forever

You deserve better
Don't do it, you'll regret it
He's not good for you
He tears you apart
Every time he hurts you you're a wreck

TURN

I think he really likes you
I see him staring at you while you read in class
You're the only one for him, and he's the only one for you
You're both ****** up, but you're two halves of a whole
The two of you have a future

TURN

He doesn't actually "love" you
He's using you
He gets what he wants and then he leaves
You're too good for him
He isn't the "right" person

TURN

It's been a year
We all know that something more is going to happen between the two of you
Do you consider yourselves to be an object?
Would you ever "be" with him
I think you should do it

TURN

What if I'm not ready?
What if the negative people are right and the positives are wrong?
What if I do something stupid and never recover?
Is he another illness?
Is he my savior?
Will I ever know?
If I am ready, what do I do?
Will someone please help me?

RESPONSE

We've helped you
It's all up to the two of you

------------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------------------­--------------

I still don't know what keeps me going
I still don't know what's holding me back
I'm all alone
But there's a distinct possibility that I don't have to be alone

It's wrong
It's unkind
It's you
Everyone knows
Everything
Yet
We pass each other
Like ships in the night
Complete strangers
We're hardly strangers
We've spent hours together alone
Just the two of us
Laying and touching and kissing
But still
We walk past each other
Unacknowledged
That's how I feel
And it's not fair
That less than a week ago
We were together
And here and now
I may as well be invisible
It makes me livid
I stare at your back in class
I want to throw pebbles at your forehead
At the same time
I want to be affectionate
Can I utter a word to you in public
Will my mouth release the words
"Hi"
Be with me
And stop with the *******
Because I know you have a lot on your mind
And none of us are immune to life
I can help
I can be with you
Just say
"Hello"

i always told you that manners matter
i condemned you when you wouldn't hold the door open for me
i've realized that while i was parked in a spot that was already taken
i was driving over you
from then on your heart was broken
i was confused
then we did what we always do
kiss, love, whatever
god, i hate you
god, i love you
today, you held the door open for me
and that made all the difference in the world

This lack of inspiration is exhausting
because I need to write to feel
and right now I am as emotionless as a lampshade
yet as emotional as a broken hearted hoodlum
this emotional paradox is draining the juice that keeps me running
it is content but it is confusing
the only solvency to this whirlwind of blankness
is unknown
enter into calculator
no solution
this lack of inspiration
a mirror can't even show me who or what or how
the music that enlivens me no longer strikes me as perfection
and it's strange because this darkness isn't dark
it's not light but it's fluctuating
fluctuating like an unsteady heartbeat
and jesus,
I hate religion
what is this feeling of nothing
emotion: blah
it's pathetic
where are the words that used to save me
where is the poem that made me proud of what I had to say
all there is right now
is ranting
and confusion
and **** this because
I can't seem to articulate whatever it is that
I need to say
so **** this

wean me off of consumerism's
cure to my chemical chaos
\\\\\\\\\\
dim the lights
i am still awake

this ride is no longer free
you are suffocating
\\\\\\\\\\
i am still awake

swollen eyes
hidden motives and one week later
i am in the same bed
with the same fears
in the same solitude
that brought me here
\\\\\\\\\\\

weakness:
no longer a choice
seemingly the only form of vitality
somehow.
i am still awake

\
children::
i cannot hear you
this silence is screeching
your voices are lost

parents:
you always said you could not save me
i do not remember agreeing to believe it
i lay here and i believe it

parents:
would you have changed anything
somehow.
i am still awake

parents:
this is torture.
i am still awake


parents:
do you care?
i am paralyzed in my silhouette
i do not know how
i am still awake

parents:
you never listened.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\­\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

children:­
i can hear you
you are liberation

children:
i finally woke up

The ache of my cramping stomach
gives me chills
and droplets fall down my cheek because
it hurts so much

the anger that comes with my greatness
has been described as a blessing in disguise
but the situation is entirely transparent
and my effort
goes
absolutely nowhere
because one moment of recognition does not suffice

I resent my parents because
they neglected me when
a chronic illness consumed my body
and for months I was alone
in my bed
immobile and miserable

I miss what could have been
it could have been everything I year for today
but I ****** up
twice
I miss us

I miss the days that I can't remember

27s please
The first pack of Marlboros I bought
To soothe the stress
Ease the pain
My grandmother had died less than 2 months prior because of lung cancer
27s please
All I can think of right now
Addiction
Maybe
I don't want to stop
I want to smoke cigarettes
Drink coffee
But when I go on my nightly run
My lungs can't expand the way they used to
Placebo affect
Probably
I'm only 16

I am surrounded by white
walls, they smell like
cleaning supplies.

An angel sits at a desk,
phones ring,
they sound like chaos.

I have been standing here
for two years.
I still have not approached
the angel.

For two years,
I swore she did not
exist.

Now I am ready
to tell her that
this cannot wait any longer
that I have finally died.

I am terrified at my
broken self.
My soul has been entering
and exiting by body for
days now.

I need to walk up to the
desk.
I need to save myself
from myself.

I knew there
was no god
all along.
And now,
I am gone.

o
my
god

i hate you

so rude

i can't

I have much to say,
and you know that I do
Because two nights ago you said,
and I quote
"I know you want to say something"
But I wish I could tell you how I feel
the feelings that you know exist
We're two halves to a whole, **** the cliche,
we are great
We have been described as "perfect" to the nearby observer
and hell, all I want is you
I want all of you
Not the bits and pieces because if I can love one part of you, I can love it all
This hurts because you know that it should be you and me
It should be the two of us
I won't forget you
You've molded me, and I molded you and there's no denying it
There are days when I think of the end of "us",
and it results in ***** and tears and lack of motivation
I want to crash into your emotions…
the way you tried to crash into mine…a year and a half ago
You'll be in my heart until someone else takes over
but I hope that no one else takes over
Despite your many imperfections,
I would do anything for you
because that's how it should be
Why won't you speak to me?
Why won't you admit that you love me back?
Why won't you make it official?
I know why…
it's because you want power
you want the image of a player who ***** hot *****
…the problem is…
you are transparent
I know you love me
as does the rest of the world
and I hope that one day this is resolved
because I don't want "what if?"s
Show me the solidarity that I know you can exhibit
and convey the emotion that you refuse to acknowledge
and when you do,
you'll be free from the *******,
and even better, you'll be free
free with me

Local government, wretched round, which
everyone claims to care about.

A storm. A virus. Unprovable. they call it “some sort of new device”--
it is nothing new.
Facebook videos condemn the 1 percent, demand that we look up;
I regret not looking up...I know this.

I catch his eye.
There is no complacency; he called it war.
Little boy. He cries to his mother.
He cannot fight the thought.

Catastrophic moments like explosions on an endless row.
“something that tracks us…”
We are not all safe.
Without guidance we crave “more”,
some regret it; we were told desire is fatal.

It swish swirls in
the valley of trees;
his last stroll.

He does not know to
catch the shred of a breeze.
Who knew that moment
would doom us all.

Kerouac said the only truth was music.
I suppose I agree,

"truth" is elusive
it means zip; no one cares.

the truth is like water between my fingertips,
air in my grasp,
a writer without a tragic backstory that you can probably sympathize with.
sorry.
the truth does not exist

we are here
how's that for elusive

meet me at our place,
at half past twelve.
you were the truest form of contentment.
the darkest form of light.
the secrets that I hide.
but meet me there,
and I will share...
whatever it is you have been wanting for all these years

because isn't that the truth?

*we're just here

when innocence meets death
mourners reside
between unpaved roads
and shallow streets

when innocence meets death
sinister screams;
a mother cries

when innocence meets death
sullen eyes do not tear
terminal mirrors end
upon hallways;
empty;
clear

when innocence meets death
a certain caress
bonds with unknown;
tranquil;
endear

when innocence meets death
sanctity arises;
regretless, whole; no fear

when innocence meets death
he holds it
he breathes;
he understands that death
is not fatal at all.

slathered in vain
drenched in ego
and reek of self

i can no longer feel
the soul that once sang into my eyes
and for miles i followed
the road paved

and i was there when manhood struck
when success was fluid
and love potential

but your heart is not kind
it does not speak the language of compromise or
compassion

and you thought you were free
yet you had everything to lose

it must ache now
force fed pride that consumed everything you'd done

I think
And I think like you
And I think I like you
You're so wrong but so right
Excuse the cliche
****
******* for being
So right
About everything
You know what you're doing
At least it looks like it
So when I watch you walk by
All I see is ambition and drive
Everything I could possibly want
And then I have strangers
Telling me
That I mean nothing to you
I don't need to be your everything
But I need to be something
So to think
That I'm nothing
Cuts
Like a razor blade
Against
Clean flesh

There were many of us
You sat across from me
And you were all I could look at

From that moment on
I knew
That there was a connection
Like we had known each other forever

Months passed and communication lacked
The connection was clear
But the chemistry
Nonexistent

For months I thought about him
And finally
Finally
Contact was made

It was a moment I’ll never forget
A moment of ecstasy
It’s as if we were the same person
My heart had never felt as elated

We would speak
Then he would stop
And everyday I yearned for that moment
The moment we would speak again

And we did
Cliché aside
My heart fluttered
And then it stopped again

Sometimes I think he broke me
We had fit
Just fit
In my mind at least

Should I give up
Should I just stop
Will he ever give me what I need
Will he ever speak his feelings

How much time does he need
Because I’ve been ready
Ready
Ready to know the truth

I’m sick of this back and forth
Because he is all I want
And if I cant have him
I want to know why

So If I never walked
Into that empty room
It would all be different
And sometimes I wish it was

I have felt abandoned ever since you left me sitting alone after school on my birthday
So when I woke up after my surgery, it wasn't surprising that you weren't there
You broke me on that day
My thirteenth birthday is representative of the disdain I feel toward you
And I sit here, at 6:15, you said you'd be home at 4:00
Although I'm angry at you, I'm angrier at myself...for thinking that you could keep your word
I've felt neglected for 5 years
People really never change
Thanks, Mom

and for a brief moment
i swore that the world i had once knew
would never return to its complacent being

the elusivity of time had made its way into
my brain and suddenly,
we all realized nothing had mattered in the slightest

There's a pattern
With every letter comes a beat
With every sentence
It's like cardiac arrest

It goes to my stomach
My head
Drown it in alcohol
I don't know what will happen next

I'm ready but I'm not
Can I trust you
You know my darkest secrets
Some I which you shared, others forever untold

I don't know what to do
For the first time
Both my brain and my heart
Are clueless

He said it would happen when the time was "right"
I can't tell you how many times it felt right
Because the number is countless
And after all this time
It was finally right
But not with him
And although I'm glad he doesn't have me
I'm angry that the time for us still isn't right
How does one night triumph two years
How