I felt the earth bring me to life
rooted from the ground up
nourished in soil that was rich
but the earth has now brought me down
and my life is a tundra
because I'm alone
I am without a person to turn to and
it aches
I'm sorry that I'm mean
and I'm sorry that I'm full of problems
but I'm not sorry for everything I have given
to you
to everyone
how could an earth so great
pull me down to a level
of sadness and despair
I'm alone
and it's my fault
there's only one person to hate
and it's myself

Before you were you
You bled tears of life and sang songs of fear
You believed in serenity
And met peace at its core
Till you fell out the building
That is when you changed
When you hit concrete and saw that there was a world beyond
The grass of child's play and hills of dewdrops
As you began to sail
You found me again
You found me when I thought I couldn't cry anymore
You brought me life when she died
You brought me excitement when I was asleep
And you brought me the gift of knowing
That even if I was alone
Even if you hated me
You would still bring me words of comfort
Or faces of need
And it is in those very moments
That I close my eyes tightly
Clench my jaw
Pull my hair
And realize
That even if you aren't with me
You will always be here

I've felt these chills
I've felt these aches
I've felt the burning
And I shake
For I've never felt this
All at once
So suddenly
So brutally
Incomprehensible
The trauma by body has endured
The sleepless nights and
Thousands of pills
And dreams of blood and spite
So here I sit in the light of a
Broken chandelier
With my esophagus burning
And my stomach churning
And my head pounding
Pounding like a heavy lock on an
Expensive door
An expensive door to an
Enormous house
Where no one can hear my screams
My moans
My "I can't do this"s and my
Shrieks of angst
And for what
For what
For love?
For happiness?
For purpose?
I haven't smiled in five years
And I can't recollect a pleasant day
A day when nothing mattered
A day when a day was just a day
But here my stomach cries again
And again the gurgles and cracking
And the unfathomable pain
But it's not unfathomable
Because I've felt it all before

The dreary grey portrays this state
this state of contentment
the contentment however
is troubling
because lack of inspiration
is troubling in the sense that
I don't know what to do or what to write or how to write
and because it's my "art",
I'm angry that I cannot articulate these nonexistent thoughts
To think that creativity stems from suffering
is to think that pleasure is contingent on pain
still, this contentment is leading to mania and confusion
confusion as to why my writing isn't what it used to be
and I ask myself to weigh the costs and benefits
of suffering versus peace of mind
and I don't know
so here I am,
unexposed
left in between two fragile states of
emotion,
that cannot be described

He said it would happen when the time was "right"
I can't tell you how many times it felt right
Because the number is countless
And after all this time
It was finally right
But not with him
And although I'm glad he doesn't have me
I'm angry that the time for us still isn't right
How does one night triumph two years
How

My past is not my present
So stop using my past against me