This lack of inspiration is exhausting
because I need to write to feel
and right now I am as emotionless as a lampshade
yet as emotional as a broken hearted hoodlum
this emotional paradox is draining the juice that keeps me running
it is content but it is confusing
the only solvency to this whirlwind of blankness
is unknown
enter into calculator
no solution
this lack of inspiration
a mirror can't even show me who or what or how
the music that enlivens me no longer strikes me as perfection
and it's strange because this darkness isn't dark
it's not light but it's fluctuating
fluctuating like an unsteady heartbeat
and jesus,
I hate religion
what is this feeling of nothing
emotion: blah
it's pathetic
where are the words that used to save me
where is the poem that made me proud of what I had to say
all there is right now
is ranting
and confusion
and **** this because
I can't seem to articulate whatever it is that
I need to say
so **** this

fear drove me to hell
and hell drove me to angst
angst drove me to anger
and anger led to clarity
clarity that is too clear
for the human eye
because no one should ever see
anything
that sting

I didn't know what I was doing
the ***** had gotten to my head
and I was already absent from the real world
here I was with someone who seemed like
perfection
yet we had only just met
but he was charming and sincere
and "being" with him felt right
it felt right…until
until I wasn't me anymore
until my values had been shattered
and my dignity stripped
I can't be the strongest person you know because I ****** up
and it was awful

in my moment of despair
you came to my rescue
to my swollen eyes
and unkept hair
and your timing was perfect
so thank you,
for offering me comfort in the form of food
and thank you for holding my hand
and kissing me like there's no one else on Earth
but I can't forgive you for all the times you've asked
for us to sneak around
because I am wonderful
and you are wonderful
therefore,
we shall be wonderful together

The ache of my cramping stomach
gives me chills
and droplets fall down my cheek because
it hurts so much

the anger that comes with my greatness
has been described as a blessing in disguise
but the situation is entirely transparent
and my effort
goes
absolutely nowhere
because one moment of recognition does not suffice

I resent my parents because
they neglected me when
a chronic illness consumed my body
and for months I was alone
in my bed
immobile and miserable

I miss what could have been
it could have been everything I year for today
but I ****** up
twice
I miss us

I miss the days that I can't remember

Her mind is troubled and her thoughts are blurred
nights of endless crying
nights of despair
nights when life didn't seem worth living

You could never tell that beneath her "put-togetherness"
was a girl
who couldn't be in further disarray

She questions love and all that it means
her self worth hasn't been quantified
and the concept of love is foreign yet it lays beneath the fingertips
that type away at the one
who brings her the utmost happiness

Here is a girl that is broken
here is a girl that wants to believe that one day
things will be better

but life is unfair
and she has yet to have a moment of clarity
the moment of clarity that facilitates a purpose
and things are weary and unclear
so she keeps asking her self
"why?"

Here is a girl
who is the epitome of empathy
and the center of love

however, she has yet to receive
any sense of reciprocity
and until the reciprocity exists,
the world will remain to be nothing but an empty plane

Here is a girl
that has fallen to pieces
only to bring herself back together
again
and again
and again

Here is a girl
who has creativity at her fingertips,
but she needs more love, so that her creativity
can become the magic that it has always meant to be

Here is a girl
that has loved herself
and hated herself
and has endured more suffering than anything imaginable

Here is a girl
that represents suffering
that represents strength
that represents
a reason for tomorrow

I don't want to hear the echoes of what could have been
nor do I want to think of today as a distant memory
because right now…
is the beginning of always
and I always want to know what should have been
or what would have been

what would happen
if tomorrow, I looked you straight in the eye and said "there is an "us""
would you shoot me down or would you let me articulate the thoughts that have brewed inside of me for months

would you say that "we" are something…