hours have been spent
hours of me, staring at myself
not in a mirror, not at a picture
but of my words

and,
i've come to realize that i have been wrong
and i have been wronged
emotion and pain are understandable but,
how can these words possibly explain how i feel

i've been thinking of someone else for too long
my problems aren't contingent on our relationship at the moment...
because that's pathetic and weak and it's not me
nor will i let it become me

i've been wrong
i cant blame you for not loving me
i cant blame the world for believing that my feelings toward you...
are unrequited
and i wont blame myself either

as a writer...
as a person...
the type of person i am...
it's difficult to call my previous prose and poems
"works of self victimization"
even if they are,
they're still art

**** what everyone else thinks
**** the world
**** everyone

but i will never say "*******" to myself

and that is where i have been wrong

it's going to take more than this
one, long, grievance
to mitigate...


NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

I changed my mind
I have the right to be angry and the right to be hurt
You hurt me and I won't let that go until you say "I'm sorry"

And I take back that comment about "self victimization"
**** that entire concept
If I am a victim of someone else's careless actions, I remain sane in writing it down
I can think of myself however I want to
I was NOT wrong
I was right in every sense of the word because I conveyed the emotion that will never slip through my mouth
It's the emotion that will only pour out of my eyes
and out of my heart
It;s the emotion that is surreal, yet my reality






























NO

They told me that I was difficult to love
I need someone to say "you have suffered enough" to me
Tell me to turn myself around
Tell me that life has been terrible to me and that I have a choice and a right to make things better
The suffering I've endured is surreal
Simply because at every prior moment to suffering
I thought it couldn't  get any worse
but it does get worse
and it eats away at me
mentally and physically
I am suffering
my head feels like its been pounded against a concrete wall
my eyes can't focus on a single object
my stomach turns because I'm starving and too stressed to eat
I wake up and all I see is fog because my glasses can't be found and my mind's too tired
I become lost in my suffering
lost in my life
scathing acquaintances and hating authority
blaming every ounce of pain on unfortunate circumstances
self victimization
it's disgusting
pain is relative but this is too much
still I step through the darkness
and tipie-toe my way into anything lit
there's nothing there for me
When I say "someone"
it used to mean him
now it means anyone
tell me to turn myself around  because I need to rise up above the morning fog
they told me that I was difficult to love
prove them wrong, someone
anyone

What I'm feeling, will remain unrequited
My feelings still run through my veins and arteries
But this love has not been reciprocated
I don't get what I give, even though I deserve to
This feeling is empty, this feeling is a glass half empty...
a glass half full...
The hope still exists, but to a certain extent, it's hopeless
I will continue to feel the way I do
I don't like being alone in this messy room
I rather be in the comfort of his presence
So when the comfort disappears, my sanity does as well
And that causes this clarity, this sadness, this plethora of thoughts
How can this love be unrequited,
If I feel this genuine state of togetherness, how is it possible that he doesn't as well
One way streets and windy roads meet eventually
Do I hold on to the notion of "eventually"?
Or do I let go of what I want the most?

Can I borrow?
May I have?
Do you have?
Can you...?
STOP
TAKING
WITHOUT
GIVING
We are not friends, nor do we communicate, so leave me alone...

I'm all alone. And it's not because I've pushed people away, because I have made it a goal to bring people closer. But my sister and mother will drive away and not invite me to be with them because I am too mean. I'm too selfish and delusional, and psychotic to participate in normal human interaction...or at least that's what they've told me. "Go complain to your therapist." "You're stupid." "You're ungrateful." I've heard it all. And this low is so ******* low, that I don't know if I'll ever go back up. My mom told me to lock the door behind me. I didn't. I didn't lock it because I don't care if a ****** or murderer walks in. Let them hurt me, it's hard to believe that I could be in more pain than I'm in right now. But that's stupid, because each day that I live proves that further pain does exist. No one want me. No one wants to be with me. I want to escape into bottles of alcohol and **** and pills, but I can't, because my ***** of a mother drug tests me. I can't begin to explain how ****** up I am. I can't begin to explain the everlasting agony that burn in my heart. My family, they're gone. I'm nothing to them. And I thought that there was one person worth living for, because I'm in complete and total love. But the love is unrequited, unreciprocated, and empty. So what more is there? How much harder can I try? I can't.

Your standards of morality are so rigid and so orthodox that they're immoral
Because in the end, nothing matters
No one is being hurt
Right and wrong don't matter at the point where they have no impact
I need to live and breathe rather than think profusely and be condemned for my every action
Because everything I do is flawed in your mind
And I don't know what to do anymore
Because we'll never see eye to eye
And my rationale is "wrong" in your mind
And your views are obscene and impossible
Let me live a life where I can act like a child without being imprisoned
Because I am imprisoned by my thoughts
The thoughts that are seen as ridiculous
And you can continue to think of be
as an irrational
self consumed
psychotic
suicidal
thoughtless
cold
human being who cares about nothing but myself

Once my hopes were shattered,
my expectations disappeared...