I can't be patient for any longer because I've been waiting for too long
Everything I've ever done feels worthless and like a disaster
I don't know who will love me when things get bad
Because things are bad
And the people that I need the most are too far away or too consumed to notice
To notice that I'm drowning in a sea of misery and paranoia
My breaths have become shorter and my pupils are dilated
I gaze into other people's eyes and I see nothing
A long time ago, I made a conscious decision to see nothing
And now I'm blind
But with blindness comes increase sensitivity of my other senses
So now my tears fall down my face and they feel like acid on my skin
Every whisper falls into...
This isn't living
This isn't life
Because life happens and this is something else
This is bigger than me
This is something that will still hover over my head when I wake up
And it will haunt me till I go to sleep
The worst part is that I don't know how to effectively cope
With everything life has bestowed upon me
So I'm left on the curb
Staring at a finish line
And I'm paralyzed
I'm alone with the thoughts and the voices that brought me to this state of recklessness
This state of unrevealed truth and blanketed wounds
My feelings aren't gone because I chose to share them
Shared they were, but only two people recognized the cry for help
I was transparent and found
But we're all too lost
And I'm too broken to win another battle
Weight is on my chest and I'm bitter over someone
I have been in a dark place for so long, that I've forgotten what light looks like
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop crying
I don't think I'll ever stop crying
These droplets will forever fall from my grayish irises onto pavement and rocks and nothingness
Pain doesn't go away
Pain becomes me
I am tired and I cannot sleep and I'm afraid of what the future holds
Because at moments like this
I question the existence of a future
"I drank coffee, and read old books, and waited for the year to end"
But I've been doing that for 6 years, and I'm tired
So I need to be held and helped by someone or something
I need to remember what sweetness tastes like
And I need to piece together this puzzle called life
There are no leaves on the trees
Don't mistake it for fall
Because the leaves were never there
I need to be closer to love than I am right now
To love that is requited
The love that I've felt before
The love that is sweaty palms and mumbled giggles
Rhapsodies of savior
Someone,save me
Help me save myself

you're a raging ****
who takes my ****
not only my physical stuff,
like clothing and books
...oh wait, you don't read
but you take my friends
and my partner
and my identify
I found myself a long time ago
I made a name for myself,
well before anyone knew who you were
That music that you're blasting right now,
was literally extracted from my computer with your USB
...buy your own clothing
...find your own music
....find yourself, because this is identity theft
And then, you paint your room
the same color as mine
this may seem trivial,
but it's sick if you think about it
don't tell me to take my meds when you're mad at me
don't claim I'm a ***** without a warrant
leave me alone
just...stop

Looking at you is like looking at a marvelous building
a skyscraper, glassy windows and no clue as to what's inside
your words cut me sharper than any knife I've ever seen
you get angry and take it out on me,
say things like
don't ever talk to me again
you're a stupid *****
...yet I'm still here
the words hurt because they have value
I believe what you say because you're my escape
so when I hear the meanness...
it feels like my every insecurity is being reinforced
being around you doesn't make me nervous
- it makes me alert
- present
- emotional
- emotionless
I never know what I'll feel because you're so unpredictable in your ways
your entry into my life changed me
it changed my perceptions of people and culture and the future
and you nailed your thoughts in so deep
that even when you're not here
your opinions are
knowing that you've suffered only makes me suffer
it makes me weaker and it makes my sympathize with silly nothing when I should be focusing on my own problematic existence
you make my days revolve around 96th street, figuratively, that is...or not
you're motivation and anticipation and hope
you're every adjective in my vocabulary and that's disgusting because now I look like one of "those" people
dreaming of you leaves me restless rather than rested
and everything we have in common
sparks either a "*******" or "love you"
never "love"
I'm afraid someone may take my place because I regard you highly
and you know that
I don't know the same
you're too old to be the way you are
and we're both too old to do this again
"this" being "us" or...
you hurt me, all the time
be my friend if you cant love me because I need to be unfolded and wrapped up
I've done all the warming and holding and now I'm lost
so help me find myself
you've done it without knowing it before...
so be with me again
so that I can be strong and in your room
where we can talk about the future
forever...

More time spent on you
precious time with my best friend
$PENT on YOU
You horribly perfect being
What am I saying?
I love you more than I ever thought someone could love another human being
I want to stargaze with you and eat donuts late at night
I want to be in your bed and cuddle for days
BECAUSE WE CAN
You've controlled me for so long now
Does your power over me make you love me less?
Has my unconditional affection somehow deterred you?

Please
Tell me what I can do

People tell me that together we're ridiculous and that it's sick
But we both know sick
and this isn't sick

This is right

__________________­_________

I dont know how to put my love for you any other way besides this poem
because right now you're probably ******* to pictures of her as I sit here wondering if I'll ever touch you again

Please see me
recognize me
love me








LOVE ME

I know that its hard for you because you've been through so much
but right now you seem to be the solution to all of my problems
and the remedy to my distress
dont love me less than you love her because I AM HERE for you
and I am RIGHT

LOVE ME

Love me half as much as I love you

I see the suffering in your eyes
the happiness in your smile

Im confused beyond confusion and the only thing blurring my thoughts is you

Send me a message
-verbal
-physical

ANYTHING

any form of "I want to be with you" will do
because I WANT TO BE WITH YOU
despite the inconveniences and unpleasantries you may cause me

Love me

He asked me if I looked at him differently
If our being together had transformed my image of him
I couldn't respond
Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know the answer
Had hazy nights fogged memories prior to "us"
Even if those nights fogged memories of us, I wouldn't want to remember
He asked me if I looked at him differently
Before he was another head in the hallway
Another peek in the door creak
Another this or that
It isn't about him being different
It's me
Noticing all of the imperfections and perfections that he always had
As I hear the wind rush, I feel pathetic for thinking of him rather than myself
There are periods of darkness when it's me alone with my thoughts
But my thoughts
Are consistent of him
I don't look at him differently, I see him differently
I see the black holes in his pupils, kaleidoscopic thoughts and sentences and ideas
I see greatness in his walk, as if it's down a busy street
I see his face, soft, the kind of soft that makes you want to crawl into yourself forever
I see the pain in his eyes
Before it was mere darkness and yes, I look at him differently
Because the darkness has meaning
It means that words perceived as malicious were merely words reflective of
"I don't care"s and "You'l never understand"s
And I don't
He asked me if I look at him differently
How could I not?
Now I know what's beneath everything he wears
The smirk on his face, the raising of his eyebrows, his shirt...
I do look at him differently because he is no longer "someone"
He is HIM
He is my thoughts and my ideas and excuse the melodrama, but he is everything
And on days when I don't see him
There are no ideas
There are no thoughts
If I weren't to look at him differently
I wouldn't know what late night drives along the ocean would mean
I wouldn't know what feeling wholesome felt like
I wouldn't know what I want
He asked me if I looked at him differently
And today he asked again
Except today it was teasing and condescending
I'll always look at him differently

Knowing that I'm not the only one
hurts more than a gun shot wound
seeing you hug her
only reminds me of all the times
you didn't hug me

I see her face
and it makes me sick to my stomach
I see her and I have to walk out and drive away
because it's impossible for me to believe that
the memories you're building with her
are greater than the memories you have of me

can you remember all the times we glared into each other's eyes?
how about the prolonged kisses?
the late night conversations?
anything?

Or do you have all of that with her too?

If you do
I'm heartbroken and livid and confused

Because wholistically speaking
I'm far greater than her

For I have a brain
tangible thoughts
the ability to speak to your family

I put effort into you
in hope that one day it would pay off

but right now

I'm just an idiot

Feeling like an estranged wife
watching the other woman and her husband together
at a party of a friend that we once shared while together

Want me back
get me back
earn me back

because

I want you
I need you
I love you

There's a girl who's in denial
She doesn't know the truth
And doesn't seek to
There's a girl who dreams of cobblestone driveways
And freshly cut sunflowers in a cylindrical vase
She sees not love but reason to love
There's a girl who wants to share her existence with something bigger than herself
She lives by literature and swears by music
And wants the world in her palms, but only upon her own doing
There's a girl who dreams of someone
She can't identify him or his existence
Yet craves him every day
There's a girl who gave herself away
She regrets it everyday
But knows that he formed her
There's a girl who's broken hearted
A girl who deserves the world
Rather than shards of glass and tombstones
But this girl knows
That life is consistent of glass and tombstones
But cobblestone and sunflowers and love too