I thought I could forget
But I can't
You're engrained into my every thought
My every motion
I thought I could forget our silly beginning and our abrupt ending
But all I can think about is what we could have been
To think that I spent time thinking about someone else
While you wanted nothing more than me
Is to validate my stupidity
There's nothing like us
There are no two people who understand each other without words
I need you
I think I love you
And I hope it's not too late

Exactly 53 weeks ago
There was a new spark in my life
Representative of growing up and feeling something
And for so long
I stressed about him and me
What we could possibly mean
So for all that time
There was something
And I thought it was keeping me going
Because I though I needed someone to be happy
In retrospect, he's still the person I saw
But now I see the flaws
And I've recognized my delusion
He acted as a distraction from my life
But then my life encompassed him
It hurts to read my prior poems and know it was all him
I don't need a distraction anymore
And he never needed me
It feels like the end of an era
An era I thought would never end
However, somehow I'm content with this ending
Maybe it's not final
It would be better if it wasn't
If I've learned anything
I've learned what to do
And I've learned what not to do
So the next time someone comes around
I won't make the same mistakes
And I will have the ability to have a sense of control
Before today, I needed to be controlled
There was so much wrong with everything about us
I thought it was right because my fear of being alone was greater than you
So now I sit alone
Wondering what will come next
And I hope it's wonderful
Because being with him
Taught me that I am wonderful
And I deserve wonderful
It hurts to know that I thought of him as something greater than what he really was
Now I know
I know that I can be wanted and I can be free
And if I follow my plan
I will be
It's the end of an era
An era that was bittersweet
Listening to folk music and reading reminds me that there are greater things in life
And it's time to channel my ability into something great
I don't know if this era will have a comeback
Maybe not
If this era has taught me anything
It has taught me that
I will be ok

I thought guilt was the most unsettling emotion
Saturated in all of my wrongdoings
Crying because there was no way to mitigate my mistakes

But I was wrong in every sense of the word

A clear conscious and 100 enemies is worse than being guilty
Because right now, I know that I did nothing wrong
I am the victim of malice and injustice

Not even fighting the cruelty bestowed upon me

I came forward because they tell me truth outweighs everything
They were wrong
I'm alone with my thoughts
Independent of my best friend and other friend

All because I made an effort to preserve one's life that I couldn't give a **** about

She hurt me
She made false allegations and nasty rumors
She was the one who deserves to be punished by the world

All I did was tell a higher authority that she was insane
And with an investigation comes evidence
So I provided the evidence that I'm morally obligated to give
And it ****** me over

Because the evidence was contingent on a friendship
The evidence was about two of us
Not one

I don't care how many times they tell me I was right
Because it feels wrong
I'm all alone
And I did nothing wrong

Stop it with the temper tantrums and "poor me"s
Stop victimizing yourself because you are the one hurting yourself
Mistakes are understandable and two-time mistakes are fine
But Jesus ******* Christ
You do this all the time
It's stupid and irrational and self destructive
It hurts me to see you in pain but I have pains of my own
Pains that aren't controllable
I.e. A parent with cancer
Yet your pain stems from the continual decision to smoke **** and get too high
You say you're embarrassed and you should be
You can't control the sad environment around you
But  you can control how you respond to it
So stop responding this way because we're all fed up with the *******
You need help -- Literally
You need a therapist and a psychiatrist
Hell! If I had a prescription pad, I'd put you on a high dose of prozac
And sort out those daddy issues of yours
You are a genuinely good, kind person
But your life is going nowhere because you're too caught up in your cruel past
I hate to say this, but get over it
Because things will not fall into place unless you make an effort to fix your disposition

I've always said that I don't need perfection
I need affection
Someone needs to invalidate my insecurities
They sting me and I hide them deep beneath skin
So deep that no one can seek them or sense them or touch them
I often ask myself why I don't have an official companion
A person who can love me and give me affection and make me happy
It sounds stupid because a lover doesn't make one happy
But I feel like I've crossed out every other thing on the list
Introspection?
They tell me I need to understand what and why and how
However the mere fact that I have thousands of words depicting my every emotion
Should mitigate this false sense of intelligence that a therapist has
I don't need someone to bring me flowers
Or chocolates or stuffed animals
I don't need to be given the world because I can get that on my own
But I do need someone to hug me and kiss me the way you do...when we're alone
And then I need that same person to be able to effectively communicate with me
I need them to understand the notion and the implications of a relationship
And I need them to be fully committed to making me a better person
And me making them a better person
Because once all of that happens, all I'll need is for them to love me
Love me
The real me
The person who is blunt and blatantly obvious
The person who can capture a room with intelligence
The person who hates the evils in the world
The person who doesn't believe in god
The person who cares about other people but has trouble showing it
The person who works for everything
The person who has suffered enough
The person who wants to be loved by you
And in some sense
It's been established that you can't love me
Simply because you don't
And that's fine even though it pains me deeply
But if it can't be you
And you not caring for me is true
Someone needs to sweep me away and love me for me
Because I believe in human nature and I also believe in Darwinism
But when it comes to me
Human nature and Darwinism are contradictory
Because human nature would be the act of two people loving each other for the sake of loving each other and wanting to be together
But Darwinism says that my genes are too weak to compete in the gene pool
Therefore it is difficult for one to seek my affection
Because it subliminally implies that we're seeking "a mate"
And I wouldn't be a good mate
A) because I have a chronic illness
B) I'm batshit crazy
So I don't even know what to do at this point
Maybe I was designed as a solo
Rather than a duet
That happens
It's a possibility
A horrible one
But the most hurtful thing right now
Is the idea that you may not love me
And you never will

You deserve better
Don't do it, you'll regret it
He's not good for you
He tears you apart
Every time he hurts you you're a wreck

TURN

I think he really likes you
I see him staring at you while you read in class
You're the only one for him, and he's the only one for you
You're both ****** up, but you're two halves of a whole
The two of you have a future

TURN

He doesn't actually "love" you
He's using you
He gets what he wants and then he leaves
You're too good for him
He isn't the "right" person

TURN

It's been a year
We all know that something more is going to happen between the two of you
Do you consider yourselves to be an object?
Would you ever "be" with him
I think you should do it

TURN

What if I'm not ready?
What if the negative people are right and the positives are wrong?
What if I do something stupid and never recover?
Is he another illness?
Is he my savior?
Will I ever know?
If I am ready, what do I do?
Will someone please help me?

RESPONSE

We've helped you
It's all up to the two of you

------------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------------------­--------------

I still don't know what keeps me going
I still don't know what's holding me back
I'm all alone
But there's a distinct possibility that I don't have to be alone

Disappointment comes with being a human
I can understand the notion of not always getting what I want
Because I'm reasonable and that's life
But time and time again, I find myself begging my parents for things I'll never have
I fall to pieces and they have to glue me back together every five minutes
But they aren't enough
Their comfort isn't enough
The only temporary comfort I can find is a boy who treats me terribly
He uses me and I'm practically an object
But temporary affection is enough to satisfy my everlasting sadness
He's like a pill
An ******
Because I go through withdrawal
And oh my god
When I am disappointed, it feels like withdrawal
Night sweats and vommiting and the chills
I ache terribly and the disappointment keeps hitting me, again and again and again
And when I'm knocked down, I'm too injured to get back on my feet safely
I fall to pieces
I seek irrational, wrong, abusive affection
I write poems that only strangers will read and maybe you'll respond
And if you don't, I might be disappointed, but it wont be anything new